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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Sabina on July 14, 2003, at 22:44:32
i just caught my boyfriend in yet another lie, my dog mutilated the next door neighbor's cat yesterday, i'm not doing great on a new med (seroquel. no, i'm not schizophrenic) and i've just spent the last two hours researching lethal doses of Rx drugs i have on hand. the latter was not meant to be triggering or a threat, so nobody take it too awfully seriously. i just included that last item to emphasize that it's gotten a *lot* worse than "normal," the gory details of which i won't bore you. anyway, i'd probably botch the job and end up mindless, drooling, and diapered in a room somewhere with the walls painted all awful institutional colours for the next 30 years. my therapist has been on vacation for the past week in florida. i can't see her until wednesday and i just don't wanna phone up some local helpline to vent or seek reassurance only to end up with somebody trying to get me to accept jesus into my life. boyfriend is obviously off limits for confiding since he's been so much of a contributor to this flare up. i'm sorry to dump all this on you guys. i don't even know you all, outside of your posts here. i thought that maybe i could get to know some of you before, when i first started to post, but then i just reverted to lurking. of course, that makes me feel even more like i don't have any right to come out of the shadows asking for kind words. i only ever did the cryptic type quote-ology speak with folks i knew very well a long time ago; otherwise i might feel comfortable enough in brio or sphinx talk land. i've had some beer and a xanax now. i know, i know...i shouldn't mix it up, but i do feel a bit calmer now; intermittently, anyway. now i'm scared to take the seroquel and/or go to sleep, though, because of it. please, will someone just wish me well tonight and i will do the same for all of you?
a few of my favorite famous last words...just for fun (really):
"Codeine...bourbon. -Tallulah Bankhead
"I am perplexed" -Aleister Crowley (rumored)
"Either that wallpaper goes, or I do." -Oscar Wilde
Posted by fallsfall on July 14, 2003, at 23:48:49
In reply to feel stupid posting this, but...., posted by Sabina on July 14, 2003, at 22:44:32
Sabina,
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Let's circulate a petition that says that therapists can't go on vacation. That is always the pits for me.
Please keep yourself safe. If that's too hard to do please call a real person you know (or one you don't know).
I hope you sleep well tonight. I'm on my way there (should have gone an hour ago).
Good night!
Posted by Miller on July 15, 2003, at 1:31:59
In reply to feel stupid posting this, but...., posted by Sabina on July 14, 2003, at 22:44:32
Sabina,
I am on Seroquel also. I take a low dose that is supposed to make me sleep without having my mind racing and my anxiety keep me in a tizzy. I was asleep for two hours. But, here I am now.
Don't feel back for reading and not replying. Sometimes I have to do that too. I get too scared to give of myself but I also get scared of being alone. There is no pleasing me, huh?
I wish you well this evening and always. In fact, I was wondering if you had left us altogether since I hadn't seen you post for a while. I'm glad you are still around. :)
Sweet dreams....
-Miller
Posted by Sabina on July 15, 2003, at 1:55:57
In reply to Re: feel stupid posting this, but.... » Sabina, posted by Miller on July 15, 2003, at 1:31:59
Posted by giget on July 15, 2003, at 8:02:36
In reply to thanks to those who took time on this long night (nm), posted by Sabina on July 15, 2003, at 1:55:57
How are you today? Any better? I am sorry you have to go through all of this. I understand the sleeping pills with alch, but it will only make you feel worse in the morning and possibly wake up during the night.
You should always feel welcome to write here. The first day I found this site, I posted. I was about to go through a breakdown and other people here did help.
Keep on pushing through.
Posted by Penny on July 15, 2003, at 9:06:10
In reply to feel stupid posting this, but...., posted by Sabina on July 14, 2003, at 22:44:32
Hope you are doing well today.
There's no rule here that says you have to post, or that you can't only post when you feel a need. It's okay to lurk.
Used to take seroquel for sleep and, no, I'm not schizophrenic either, but I take geodon now and, after feeling pretty crazy the other nite and calling my pdoc, he told me to take some geodon and go to bed, and I do believe it helps with some of my not-so-logical thoughts.
We're all in this together.
And I, too, have looked up lethal doses of my meds, just so I would know, as sad as that is...
Oh - and my therapist just returned from her vacation, thank goodness, and I'm very glad. It's hard not having her around, even though I saw one of her colleagues while she was gone. It just wasn't the same. She makes me feel safe.
Keep on 'dumping' on us as long as you need to.
Take care.
Penny
Posted by Penny on July 15, 2003, at 9:09:37
In reply to Re: feel stupid posting this, but.... » Sabina, posted by fallsfall on July 14, 2003, at 23:48:49
> Let's circulate a petition that says that therapists can't go on vacation. That is always the pits for me.
I second that motion. So glad mine is back from her vacation. It really really helps to have her here...
While we're on that - how about adding rules about maternity leaves and other such long-term 'breaks' for the therapist???
Posted by fallsfall on July 15, 2003, at 10:28:14
In reply to Re: therapists on vacation » fallsfall, posted by Penny on July 15, 2003, at 9:09:37
And sick days and "family emergencies". These things aren't even planned! They are Surprises (oh, no).
Therapists should not be allowed to have lives. They are supposed to be reliable and consistent.
Who wants to sign?
Posted by Sabina on July 15, 2003, at 13:47:41
In reply to Re: feel stupid posting this, but.... » Sabina, posted by Penny on July 15, 2003, at 9:06:10
not so good, and not actually morning. so what's my salutation for you all? I'm going with, "Another Afternoon!" a bit of a hangover has got me flattened right out emotionally. i have to say that this is preferable to what i have been experiencing. concerning researching lethal doses of meds: i think that i just wanted to feel like i had control over something, anything, in my life. thanks for being so nice to me. i feel very alone through all of this. i've had extreme anxiety since i was a child but it's gotten *so much worse* since i allowed my brain chemistry to be messed about by professionals. i don't get anything done anymore. i can't drive on seroquel yet, so i'm physically isolated as well. i'm barely able to cook for my boyfriend and keep the house reasonably clean. i will find a way to get to my therapist's office tomorrow, no matter what. i'm so blessed to have found such a great one on my very first try. i'll stop rambling now. thanks again, everyone.
Posted by Sabina on July 15, 2003, at 14:04:09
In reply to Re: therapists on vacation » Penny, posted by fallsfall on July 15, 2003, at 10:28:14
i actually had her ring through on my mobile phone five minutes before my scheduled appointment to tell me that one of her clients was in crisis and that she'd have to cancel. being the person i am (no sense self worth), *i* would've held out to be checked into a facility during my appointed time slot! i wanted to jump up and down and shout, no! me! me! my turn! (in all seriousness, though, i was concerned for the other person and hope he or she got some help.)
Posted by noa on July 15, 2003, at 17:09:41
In reply to Re: and what about those pesky *other* patients?, posted by Sabina on July 15, 2003, at 14:04:09
Did she reschedule you? You are in crisis, too!!
Posted by Dinah on July 15, 2003, at 18:08:28
In reply to Re: and what about those pesky *other* patients?, posted by Sabina on July 15, 2003, at 14:04:09
Ouch. I mean it's good to know that she is flexible in a crisis. But did she offer to reschedule you? I can't even imagine my therapist cancelling on me without doing everything he could do to settle me down with a new time, or an idea of when he'd be back, or something. He's really good about knowing that I need anchoring.
Except the time his mom was sick, but I had to forgive him for that one.
Posted by Sabina on July 15, 2003, at 23:08:21
In reply to Re: and what about those pesky *other* patients? » Sabina, posted by Dinah on July 15, 2003, at 18:08:28
yeah i rescheduled with no trouble, but i was far too self deprecating about it by automatically assuming that "my trivial problems" couldn't have been as important as the other person's. i would have preferred to say that i was "gracious" about the situation, but i know it's just the old self loathing kicking in and my heart trying to prop itself up behind a self protective complement.
i'm holding on with everything i've got and there's a bit of a white knuckled hope about me tonight that things have got to get better soon in this head of mine.
Posted by fallsfall on July 16, 2003, at 10:04:10
In reply to Re: and what about those pesky *other* patients?, posted by Sabina on July 15, 2003, at 23:08:21
I'm glad you rescheduled. When is your appointment? How far away?
Hold on!
Posted by yesac on July 16, 2003, at 12:04:28
In reply to feel stupid posting this, but...., posted by Sabina on July 14, 2003, at 22:44:32
I just wanted to say that I know what you mean about calling helplines. I'm so hesitant to do that because you just never know what/who you're gonna get. I've had a bad experience or two with that, so I really try to avoid it. I hate when all they care about is if you are actively suicidal, and if not then they can't do anything for you. Don't they realize that a person can be in a hell of a lot of pain, a crisis, really need to talk, but it doesn't have to be suicidal? It's like, in order to get help, you have to be suicidal so they can send you off to the hospital. Just being able to talk can really help.
Posted by Sabina on July 17, 2003, at 20:00:40
In reply to a little late, but... » Sabina, posted by yesac on July 16, 2003, at 12:04:28
last night i wasn't thinking clearly enough to post or even lurk here at all. friends were out. finally at 1am i rang the crisis line and got a message about how everyone was busy already! then i left a sobbing, pathetic message on therapist's voicemail and called back the helpline about fifteen minutes later. the topic call was mentioned in the * "footnote" here, if you're interested:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/242877.html
anyhoo, i got the gist of their brief soon enough. they're obviously not professionals with malpractice insurance, so can't legally dispense actual advice, etc. and as such literally function as human grand canyons. that is, i said that i'm receiving mixed messages from my husband about my treatment and then they echo, what i hear you saying is that you're receiving mixed messages from your husband about your treatment. ummmm....yeah, I just *said* that, didn't i? truth be told, i didn't mind. it actually got to be a bit of a laugh just saying things to hear them come on back. i talked for about ten minutes and i do think it was good to hear myself talk about the particular emerging issue that was keeping me awake; and what she was repeating back to me didn't sound irrational, so i felt better about my position in the matter of aforementioned mixed messages. i stopped crying after the call and straightened up a bit, took a xanax, and went to sleep. i don't really plan to make use of their services again. i think i'll just record myself talking about what i'm feeling and then play it back and see how it sounds! of course, i am very glad that the service is in place to help people who are in crisis, suicidal, etc.
Posted by gabbix2 on July 17, 2003, at 20:37:26
In reply to Re: called helpline for 1st (only?) time, posted by Sabina on July 17, 2003, at 20:00:40
Your post sounds exactly like mine!
When I called the hotline. I was floored, thats all they said "So what I'm hearing Is?" So what you're saying is? I found out later its a technique called mirroring. I didn't find it funny though, I found it really really annoying.
Though apparently with 'mirroring' they are supposed to not be so obvious about it.
I too am glad they are their for those who are suicidal, but they actually made me feel worse.
I thought wow, I'm really a loser now.The suicide hotline I called did make me laugh though ironically. I called them and they answered with
"Suicide hotline how can I help you?"
and I just thought "Yes you sure can, Could you deliver me a lethal dose of something please"Really they should think about that one.
Posted by Dinah on July 18, 2003, at 8:51:27
In reply to Re: called helpline for 1st (only?) time, posted by Sabina on July 17, 2003, at 20:00:40
Perhaps that approach can work sometimes though. I called my pdoc once when I was having suicidal urges, and he was so dry and detached that it a) made me resolve no matter how bad I felt to never call him again and b) worked quite well, because it embarassed me right out of my suicidal ideation.
Maybe sometimes they succeed just by being so inept that they bring an element of surprise and a certain amount of amusement that shakes the suicidal thoughts for a minute. Maybe some people even get so angry at them that they forget about suicide for a while.
Just a thought.
Posted by gabbix2 on July 18, 2003, at 9:44:46
In reply to Re: called helpline for 1st (only?) time » Sabina, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2003, at 8:51:27
Dinah, I'm not sure they planned it that way,
but seriously it worked for me that way too!
It did take my mind off things, and I was just so annoyed.. who knows maybe the know more about psychology than I gave them credit for.
Posted by yesac on July 18, 2003, at 10:24:22
In reply to Re: called helpline for 1st (only?) time » Dinah, posted by gabbix2 on July 18, 2003, at 9:44:46
Well, I don't think that I've ever had the mirroring experience, because usually I've talked to people who are real professionals, but there was one that was really really bad. It was horrible.
I called, and the woman who was a master's level therapist, just asked me these stupid questions such as "are you going to eat dinner tonight?" which was totally lame because it was like 10:00, but I realized that she was on the west coast. She didn't seem to really be listening to me or care at all that I was in pain. I told her I wasn't suicidal, and she pretty much said there was nothing she could do for me. I felt so much worse after the call!!
I think that I like just having someone to listen and care, that human connection/compassion when you feel all alone and like no one understands.
This is the end of the thread.
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