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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by zenhussy on June 10, 2003, at 4:02:24
...it means you have to wake up again?
So in search of anything to relieve constant mental angony that I'm drinking like a fish for the next ten days before I head off for a family business trip--and yes it is a red eye with an ungodly early a.m. connection time of under 75 minutes to clear customs and make the next flight. I am *so* looking forward to this one.
It has been about nine years since I've tried to medicate with alcohol. Pathetic but nothing in any of these gazillion rx bottles contain the right mix to alleviate my symptoms that day in and day out rain on my life's parade.
Add to that only four days to prepare for three weeks (plus? unknown as of yet) on said trip. I'm in that negative space where I'm basically feeling like my garden outside will die--I have eight tomato plants in this year and four kinds of pole beans along with basics of herbs and baby greens--and my indoor plants and trees are going to suffer. I have the people next door and behind to ask to stop by and water twice weekly unless there is unusual heat while I'm away. I just reread this and how sad I sound! Like my neighbors aren't going to water while I'm away? I live near decent people and it isn't as if I haven't watered for them, fed their animals and brought in their mail. So why do I feel as if my asking will be some enormous imposition?
I'm feeling so much to do and so incapable of doing it. The to do lists are just piled up around the house buried beneath other piles of stuff.
Gripe. Whine. Slightly drunken ramble.
zenhussy
Posted by fallsfall on June 10, 2003, at 7:17:19
In reply to Anyone ever not want to go to sleep because..., posted by zenhussy on June 10, 2003, at 4:02:24
You don't want to wake up again.
I read that and said "Yes".
Being awake in the night when it is quiet and you don't feel like you HAVE to be doing something is so much easier than the daytime with it's responsibilities.
I hope your trip goes OK. Sounds like you aren't looking forward to it.
Drinking would make me get less done, so I would panic more. That's my style...
Good luck!
Posted by Dinah on June 10, 2003, at 8:39:56
In reply to Anyone ever not want to go to sleep because..., posted by zenhussy on June 10, 2003, at 4:02:24
Sounds like it's perfectly natural to feel overwhelmed and stressed by this. Even short trips cause me a fair amount of stress. While I'm sure that everyone will be fine while you're gone, take it easy on yourself for feeling stressed. .
I hope all is well with the family?
Posted by lostsailor on June 10, 2003, at 9:38:58
In reply to Re: Anyone ever not want to go to sleep because... » zenhussy, posted by fallsfall on June 10, 2003, at 7:17:19
Posted by zenhussy on June 10, 2003, at 13:52:16
In reply to Anyone ever not want to go to sleep because..., posted by zenhussy on June 10, 2003, at 4:02:24
Posted by zenhussy on June 10, 2003, at 17:57:11
In reply to damn I'm awake again = ( (nm), posted by zenhussy on June 10, 2003, at 13:52:16
And the point is?
I know we all have different reasons for continuing on in this crappy fight against our diseases but I'm running out of them.
I guess it is too much to ask for to have three consecutive days of feeling okay, sleeping okay and eating okay. Instead I yo yo around with insomnia, inability to eat and mood swings that would frighten anyone.
Pdoc is on month vacation so fine tuning medications isn't an option until sometime in July.
Until then? Wah, whine, grump, moan and cry.
_____
fallsfall---drinking doesn't help my productivity but I was just in a pissy mood that I have nothing to help alleviate my sudden dark moods that come out of nowhere. Even though I know my meds react poorly with the alcohol I still tried to numb up.I want sleep desperately but am afraid of what my mind will start once I hit the pillow or of the constant waking, even with sleeping pills, every hour. I'd rather have no sleep than interrupted sleep which disturbs me more.
_____
Dinah---Yes I am stressed about this upcoming trip. More than I thought but I am locked into going and can't back out now. I'm slightly aware that most of the thought processes I've been having last night and today are functions of the disease running wild. I rationally know that I will be okay on this upcoming journey and that if the house burns down while I'm away then what could I have done about it from across the country??!!All really isn't well with the family thus my having to step in and deal. I feel like a first grader trying to fake my way through my uni. exit oral exams. Out of my league. Out of my ability to handle. Just how I feel. Awareness that distortion is happening is there too so I'm not being overrun by this thinking but it is there all the darn time.
_____zenhussy
Posted by kara lynne on June 10, 2003, at 18:39:05
In reply to life/death/eat/sleep/meds/work/docs/therapy-- why?, posted by zenhussy on June 10, 2003, at 17:57:11
Hi husser,
Hope you're feeling better today. I also feel like it's a huge imposition to ask anyone to do anything for me (feed my cat eg) when I go away. What I would do for free for someone else, I offer money for--way over what I need to or can afford. I also have all the disaster fears before traveling--hey, I get them when I leave the house each day: What if there's an earthquake and the bookshelf falls on the cat (cancel, cancel) etc.etc.etc.... It sounds so familiar to hear you describe. It helped once when someone reminded me I can't control everything, nor am I supposed to--thank God.I know you will be fine once you go, but it's a shame to have to go through this anxiety. I know you're locked into going, but it might be interesting to just *consider* that you have the freedom not to. Even if it means (fill in the blanks), everyone would survive and life would go on. I know you are intending to go, and like I said I know that you will be alright, but it's not a bad idea just to play with.
I also have a big exam hurdle coming up and all the associated stress. I have felt like an imposter the whole way though school--just waiting to be found out!
Yes, the lovely distortion channel, isn't it fun?
Well I thank you for responding to me, and now I'm sending some good thoughts back your way ((hustress)).
Love,
Kara
Posted by noa on June 10, 2003, at 18:56:34
In reply to Re: Anyone ever not want to go to sleep because... » zenhussy, posted by fallsfall on June 10, 2003, at 7:17:19
I often feel like it is too bad I'm unconscious when I sleep. I wish I could be awake to enjoy it! Just when I am awake, the joy of sleep is gone, and I'm sad. Makes no sense, I'm sure, but does to me.
Zenny, you sound anxious and overwhelmed. I know that before trips, I get a bit anxious and quite stressed about getting ready, etc. Am I reading you right (so to speak)?
Posted by zenhussy on June 10, 2003, at 20:19:05
In reply to Re: life/death/eat/sleep/meds/work/docs/therapy-- , posted by kara lynne on June 10, 2003, at 18:39:05
Kara,
The mood shifts are what are getting the best of me today. One minute I'm feeling as if 'okay I can handle all this before I have to travel' and the next moment is 'holy schmoly why am I bothering to breathe at all?!' Yo yo girl.
I'm not really having disaster fears about the place while I'm gone just more concerned about the garden dying because I really enjoy the flowers and veggies I grow and am not sure they'll get the adequate care while I'm away. So more sad about potential garden loss than anything else.
I wish that lives were not in jeopardy with this trip but this family emergency requires me to travel. No way out. No huge guilt being laid on me but I do feel as if I am the only one to take care of this. Oh wait, that's because I am! So as much as I'd love to just burn the tickets I've already made arrangements for the place here while I'm away and my family is expecting me. Gotta go meet with the important family professionals: the lawyer, the money person, and the clergy.
I can relate to the imposter feeling in school. I'm sure you will do fine on your upcoming exams. I wish you some peaceful way of getting through them without horrible anxiety.
Thank you for the good thoughts. I'm in need of every little bit of goodness currently.
zHusszina
> Hi husser,
> Hope you're feeling better today. I also feel like it's a huge imposition to ask anyone to do anything for me (feed my cat eg) when I go away. What I would do for free for someone else, I offer money for--way over what I need to or can afford. I also have all the disaster fears before traveling--hey, I get them when I leave the house each day: What if there's an earthquake and the bookshelf falls on the cat (cancel, cancel) etc.etc.etc.... It sounds so familiar to hear you describe. It helped once when someone reminded me I can't control everything, nor am I supposed to--thank God.
>
> I know you will be fine once you go, but it's a shame to have to go through this anxiety. I know you're locked into going, but it might be interesting to just *consider* that you have the freedom not to. Even if it means (fill in the blanks), everyone would survive and life would go on. I know you are intending to go, and like I said I know that you will be alright, but it's not a bad idea just to play with.
>
> I also have a big exam hurdle coming up and all the associated stress. I have felt like an imposter the whole way though school--just waiting to be found out!
>
> Yes, the lovely distortion channel, isn't it fun?
>
> Well I thank you for responding to me, and now I'm sending some good thoughts back your way ((hustress)).
> Love,
> Kara
Posted by zenhussy on June 10, 2003, at 21:11:12
In reply to Re: Anyone ever not want to go to sleep because..., posted by noa on June 10, 2003, at 18:56:34
> I often feel like it is too bad I'm unconscious when I sleep. I wish I could be awake to enjoy it! Just when I am awake, the joy of sleep is gone, and I'm sad. Makes no sense, I'm sure, but does to me.
>
> Zenny, you sound anxious and overwhelmed. I know that before trips, I get a bit anxious and quite stressed about getting ready, etc. Am I reading you right (so to speak)?Anxious and Overwhelmed seemed too long a posting name but it would fit me to a t today!
I am totally overwhelmed and when my bag of tricks of getting through the depression and anxiety comes up short I get panicked. Thus the booze yesterday after so many years of not medicating with it but instead just socially drinking. Meds over the past several years have made the amount of alcohol I can tolerate into a tiny amount but I'll be damned if I can't toast friends at their weddings with one glass of champagne!
I began this response some time ago and totally forgot where I was going. That's not unusual with the lack of rest and anxiety I have going on.
So yeah Noa you are reading me right. I'm flipping out.
zennyhusinator
Posted by zenhussy on June 10, 2003, at 22:42:37
In reply to Anyone ever not want to go to sleep because..., posted by zenhussy on June 10, 2003, at 4:02:24
I posted to both of you in this above post. I only now realized I didn't put your names into the subject line. Sorry.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030604/msgs/232977.html
I sure do appreciate the thoughtful responses. Very soothing and calming when I feel this unhinged.
zenhussy
Posted by noa on June 11, 2003, at 17:43:53
In reply to Dinah and fallsfall, posted by zenhussy on June 10, 2003, at 22:42:37
Z--if you do nothing else, stop every once in a while and take 3 slow deep breaths.
Sending good vibes your way for a safe trip and calmed nerves......Noa
Posted by zenhussy on June 12, 2003, at 12:59:14
In reply to Re: Dinah and fallsfall » zenhussy, posted by noa on June 11, 2003, at 17:43:53
> Z--if you do nothing else, stop every once in a while and take 3 slow deep breaths.
>
> Sending good vibes your way for a safe trip and calmed nerves......Noa
Whoops! I guess I wasn't following your sage advice about deep breathing last night/this morning while my insomnia ran rampant.Gotta get more NEON post it notes to put these nuggets of wisdom on. Something bright and colorful to get this into my thick skull.
Just did three huge deep breaths and feel better. I guess oxygen *is* necessary for well-being. The truth behind that is that I am stuck in very shallow breathing right now. I think my therapist says something to the effect of: when we keep our breathing shallow we're staying stuck in repressing whatever emotions are causing the shallow breathing. It made more sense when she said it.
Thanks Noa.
zh.
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