![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lil' jimi on June 4, 2003, at 16:25:17
(((mariposa and my other firends))))
i encountered an old friend who wished me well and expressed her condolences as she mentioned she knew it was the anniversary .....
i did not know what she was talking about AT ALL.
i hardly ever see darla any more ... we used to work together, years ago .... hadn't seen her in months ..... yet she remembered so thoughtfully what i had completely forgotten ...
my folks had a car accident one year ago yesterday and my mom died immediately.
my failure to get over this has been THE reason i was diagnosed with depression and why i am on lexapro .... we could wish that this oversight might mean i was getting better .... i'm wishing!
but i am just this moment absorbing the impact of my friend bringing me back to .....
how much it hurts ....
No, i'm not really all that much better, now that i've begun to try to dwell on it.
dad was 83 and mom was 81 .... my sibs and i had tried to prepare for the inevitable, but .....
the auto accident that took mom took another week before dad died from his injuries ..... he suffered miserably that week, never regained anything like conversational lucidity at all.
as bad as the shock of losing them that way was, it was all the worse for me because i had issues with my mom ..... still.
a year ago today i was catching a plane to florida from texas ....
i'll share more with you later .... when i can get up for it better...
thanks for listening, friends,
~ jim
Posted by Mariposa on June 4, 2003, at 19:20:27
In reply to my mom died june 3rd, 2002 and i forgot:mariposa, posted by lil' jimi on June 4, 2003, at 16:25:17
> (((mariposa and my other firends))))
>
> i encountered an old friend who wished me well and expressed her condolences as she mentioned she knew it was the anniversary .....
>
> i did not know what she was talking about AT ALL.
>
> i hardly ever see darla any more ... we used to work together, years ago .... hadn't seen her in months ..... yet she remembered so thoughtfully what i had completely forgotten ...
>
> my folks had a car accident one year ago yesterday and my mom died immediately.
>
> my failure to get over this has been THE reason i was diagnosed with depression and why i am on lexapro .... we could wish that this oversight might mean i was getting better .... i'm wishing!
>
> but i am just this moment absorbing the impact of my friend bringing me back to .....
>
> how much it hurts ....
>
> No, i'm not really all that much better, now that i've begun to try to dwell on it.
>
> dad was 83 and mom was 81 .... my sibs and i had tried to prepare for the inevitable, but .....
>
> the auto accident that took mom took another week before dad died from his injuries ..... he suffered miserably that week, never regained anything like conversational lucidity at all.
>
> as bad as the shock of losing them that way was, it was all the worse for me because i had issues with my mom ..... still.
>
> a year ago today i was catching a plane to florida from texas ....
>
> i'll share more with you later .... when i can get up for it better...
>
> thanks for listening, friends,
> ~ jimI am so sorry to hear of your loss. Loosing parents both in a car accident....so sudden and unexpected. I know we all try to prepare for the day when a parent leaves us. In my case Dad was diagnosed w/rare form of brain cancer, got chemo, and died within the year of DX. So I knew he would go as I watched my Dad decline so rapidly. And yet I was not ready for that day (Valentine's Day - no longer for lovers, now for mourners) and to this day 13+ years later it is still painful. He never got to see me graduate and get a decent job, and because I was such a "bad kid" growing up I really needed to prove to him I had changed.
If I may without seeming insensitive (because I REALLY am concerned, for you and for myself and others) ...... Do you think it was the Lexapro that has Made you forget? By that I mean are we all under the influence of a drug that mutes your emotions and feelings, makes you "forget" your trials and tribulations under a fog of chemicals??? How can we deal with our problems if we are not "bothered" by them????\
Take Care ~ 8|8 <<<< my attempt at buterfly
Posted by leeran on June 5, 2003, at 5:03:22
In reply to my mom died june 3rd, 2002 and i forgot:mariposa, posted by lil' jimi on June 4, 2003, at 16:25:17
jimi -
out of respect, i shall reply in lower case, and it must be, for the moment, a quickie because it is 2:34 a.m.
i am so, so, sorry to read that you lost your mother and father in such a tragic turn of events. life can turn on a dime in a minute's time.
i feel the ache in your words and my heart aches with yours.
we are siblings in lexapro (versus brothers in arms). i continue to be amazed at the depth of what is shared and expressed on these boards. and i want to take this opportunity to thank you for your post that's way up there.
i've been so disconcerted here lately and hadn't even visited the boards 'til yesterday.
re: lexapro and experiencing - versus surfing - the pain . . . i know it has not dulled my own grieving process these last few weeks (and i'm glad).
i know i need to move in and out of all of this baggage in my holding area before i can board for departure.
i have wallowed, writhed, squirmed and rolled in my shock and disappointment these last fourteen days. at some point, the tears for this earth-shattering event will dry up.
my thoughts and prayers are with you as you traverse this difficult terrain. There's one quality in you I've seen more than any other these last few months: resilience.
If it's what you need, give yourself permission to deflate before you bounce back this time. I have found a measure of peace in surrendering to my sadness. I believe that in times of grief, our sorrow can be our friend. Our sadness allows us to feel vulnerable. In order for the grief to flow in its proper direction, a door must open once and for all. Losing a loved one, be it to death or physical parting, leaves a hole in our psyche. Ultimately, I believe our vulnerability is what makes us whole again. The jagged edges can never heal if we don't tend to that wound in the light of day.
it's late - and I'm rambling (and somewhere along the way I threw in a few upper cases), but I feel your loss (as I could tell you felt mine), and it was important for me to blurt this out right this minute.
As the man with the Corvette is known to say - take care. Take care of that which needs healing, 'lil jimi.
Signing off as your 10 mg. a day lexapro liaison with a penchant for alliteration,
Lee
Posted by lil' jimi on June 5, 2003, at 15:13:05
In reply to my mom died june 3rd, 2002 and i forgot:mariposa, posted by lil' jimi on June 4, 2003, at 16:25:17
hi mariposa and lee,
thanks for writing to me .... there’s more i want to share with each of you, but right now i want to share this:
i wrote this to comfort babs last march when she was confronting her mom’s declining health ..... it applies even more, now:i wrote on march 25th:
when i was blessed to find and wed my bride now these 17 yrs ago, she came with the best in-laws ... my mother-in-law brought into sharp contrast inadequacies in my parenting i never knew existed and by example taught me how to love my own mom better.my mom-in-law inspired me and still does... she collapsed and died suddenly at 59 ... i barely knew her 2 yrs.
this was total devastation for my family... she was the sun in our (my wife’s) family’s solar system... though it’s been 15 yrs, i miss her everyday.
my father-in-law was a towering inspiration and model of what it is to be a man ... he and i had special affection that i have never know with another grown man... every time we would greet each other we would kiss.
2 yrs after my wife lost her mom, her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and after 2yrs of the torture of cancer ‘treatment’, i watched him die in misery. (all smokers out there: do not get me started about tobacco... you have been warned.) i miss my dad-in-law even more. ... he was 66.
for about a minute i thought i must have learned something to prepare for eventually losing my own parents. .. then i realized nothing could prepare me for that ... i didn’t then know how right i was.
the contrast in my in-laws’ deaths offered this strange insight:
mom went suddenly: good for her; devastating for us;
dad went slowly: agony for him; less devastating for us
... by the time he died we were all pulling for him to get the relief from all of his suffering and this made grieving for him easier ... sorta.but this insight is USELESS: ... no one would want to make such choices and on one can make them ... there are no choices! ...they just happen.
my own mom was 81 and my dad was 83 last june when their car was broadsided by a truck .... my mom died immediately .... my father survived in intensive care for a week, but he never had a chance really ... we all get to a point (if we live so long) where we can not recover from a certain amount of injury ... my dad was doomed, but lived a week of torment before he died june 11th, 2002. ... again that contrast.
somehow i had let myself believe that my issues about my parenting made me less attached to my mom and dad and (given their ages, my sibs and i had tried to anticipate the inevitable) that i would be less affected when they passed... this delusion left me open to being blindsided by my grief and exacerbated my pain. ... and of course nothing could have prepared us for what did happen.
one very small consolation, i can offer... a parent losing a child is so much worse than a child losing a parent that it is a moral imperative for us to outlive our folks. ... and so going to the funerals of my folks and my in-laws was me doing my duty... in neither family did we lose any offspring... it’s a sad success, but better this sadness than the suffering that rickoshay faces with the loss of his son ... we may all pray for him and his.
and i fault myself for being depressed when i have the blessing of an excellent helpmate who has given us a wonderful 4yr old who brings us great joy everyday ... i am fortunate ... i know.
====(end of march message)=====
there is another side to these dark, dark clouds ..... next time!
peace,
~ jim
Posted by Mariposa on June 5, 2003, at 22:25:14
In reply to Re: mom died 6/3/2002 .... dad, 6/11/2002, posted by lil' jimi on June 5, 2003, at 15:13:05
My previous post reads rather insensitive to me and I applogize for that. Your loss is such a devastating one and I truely offer my condolences, prayers, best wishes for you and your future. We have many things in common, I feel, and there always seems to be comfort in the fact that we are not alone in our burdens, I hope for some form of relief to all of us.I wish I had the time now to respond properly, but have to relax so I can go to sleep so I can go off to the salt mines in the morrow.
All the best and Good Nite~~~8|8
Posted by lil' jimi on June 6, 2003, at 0:41:44
In reply to Re: mom died 6/3/2002 .... dad, 6/11/2002, posted by lil' jimi on June 5, 2003, at 15:13:05
hi again friends,
into the very dark cloud of this tragedy of my parents’ deaths, given all of its brutal sudden violence, i found this very meager silver lining ..... with some minor effort and the recognition of my deliberate openess of interpretation ....
.... as my parents had gotten older they would team up for some of their tasks, in particular, when they would drive .... dad would be behind the wheel and mom would be shot gun, on look out .... because dad’s eyes were the sharper, while mom was more alert to the changes in traffic .... so she could warn dad of risks that would have scared her too bad if she were driving .... actually they had both had lens implants so they could see better than i can, but mom never readjusted to driving and even with perfect vision dad needed her alertness to be safe on the streets.
at the intensive care unit where my dad was, in st.petersburg, a police officer gave me the clothes they had cut off of dad at the accident scene ..... i went through the pockets of what was left of my father’s pants and found a crumpled receipt from wallmart for 6 ten pound bags of potting soil and eight potted plants .... mom had a garden project in mind .... i had noticed a note on their frig in dad’s writing that said just “Doctor June 3, 10:30 AM” ....
that fateful morning they had gone to their doctor (they shared the same primary care physician), which their doctor (of 20 years.... grief-stricken as she was as she told me this) said went exceptionally well (except that dad was mad at mom’s cardiologist) ... then they’d gone to wallmart for the garden stuff ... and then 5 minutes later they were taking a left into the denny’s parking lot for lunch ..... the truck was an extra large heavy-duty pickup outfitted for utility work with complete set of parts and tool bins all around ... probably out weighed my folks’ jaguar by more than a ton .... the oncoming truck never hit his brakes ....
.... it is very clear in my imagination
.... dad went to turn the jag to the left
.... mom saw the truck coming
..... she screams at dad,
“ BOB ! ! ! ! ! .....” ....personally,
i do not believe you should be being yelled at as you are passing from this world into the next
.....
and i feel that forces from the other side were deliberate in separating mom from dad ........because, similarly, one shouldn’t have someone (a loved one) angry at them while one goes to that Beyond which is within ....
.... my mom was a very religious and a very prayerful woman, and despite any of her other deficits, her devotion, i believe won her merit in high places ....
i was telling my next door neighbor, mike about the deaths of my parents and he said, ‘i wish something like that could happen to my folks!’ ..... mike’s parents are only in their early 70s and their heart and lungs are still strong, but one has alzheimer’s and one has had a stroke, one has broken a hip and the other has arthritis.... mike’s parents suffer neurological deficits which have robbed them of not only their presence of mind, but has also subverted their personalities and made them very negative and hostile ... they are trapped in a torment from which they have no escape.
our prospects, should we be blessed with old age, are frightening .... each of us has to fear possible incapacitation or dementia or both...
there are things worse than dying in an auto accident .... and it turns out this is especially so for folks in their 80s .....
my parents were only beginning to show the signs of the mental deterioration from their age .... dad had slowed mentally over the course of the last decade and where mom had been the more acute one, in the previous year she had become more negative and then she had delusions, some were hurtful ..... in any event, the best of their health was behind them and it wasn’t expected that they would be enjoying improving mental health anyway ....
i feel like my mom’s angels blessed her by taking her from this life to spare her (and her husband) the increasing suffering that would certainly threaten them .... then those angels had to get her calmed down so she could understand that this was not dad’s fault because he was being used to make their escape .... and his suffering in icu paid off some karma for him until mom was set to bring him to the other side and away from his pain ...
june 9, 2002 would have been their 59th wedding anniversary...... this year would have been their 60th
more next time
~ jim
Posted by lil' jimi on June 6, 2003, at 1:01:07
In reply to Re: mom died 6/3/2002 .... dad, 6/11/2002, posted by Mariposa on June 5, 2003, at 22:25:14
hi Mariposa,
do not worry sweet sensitive one
>
> My previous post reads rather insensitive to me and I applogize for that. Your loss is such a devastating one and I truely offer my condolences, prayers, best wishes for you and your future. We have many things in common, I feel, and there always seems to be comfort in the fact that we are not alone in our burdens, I hope for some form of relief to all of us.
>
> I wish I had the time now to respond properly, but have to relax so I can go to sleep so I can go off to the salt mines in the morrow.
>
> All the best and Good Nite~~~8|8you were not insensitive at all .... you are good to me .... i appreciate it very much!
these things i have had to post have taken me a long time to write and get posted, but i have felt the need to get this done before i could respond to your and lee's messages, but i will soon ...
my older sister called me today .... she wants to get us (me and sibs) to go to nebraska on june 18th (my mom's birthday) for her husband's promotion to major general .... she wants it to be a family thing ... i do not want to go.
in fact, mariposa, i like very much the insightful issue you have brought up and i want to deal with it at some length in its own messsage later, but ....
the short version:
i think lex has been good and that i m stronger for it.sweetest of dreams, mariposa .....
~ jim
Posted by lil' jimi on June 6, 2003, at 12:30:22
In reply to Re: my mom died june 3rd, 2002 and i forgot:mariposa, posted by Mariposa on June 4, 2003, at 19:20:27
hi mariposa, hi lee, hi everyone else (?),
Mariposa wrote:
>> If I may without seeming insensitive (because I REALLY am concerned, for you and for myself and others) ......i repeat for emphasis that nothing about your message seemed at all insensitive to me .... you (and leelee) have always been a great confort to me .... this is the same..... thanks!
>> Do you think it was the Lexapro that has Made you forget? By that I mean are we all under the influence of a drug that mutes your emotions and feelings, makes you "forget" your trials and tribulations under a fog of chemicals??? How can we deal with our problems if we are not "bothered" by them????
>>and i think this is a great and very valuable issue for a discussion ...... maybe we can work on it here (Social) and then take it over to the lex thread to open 'er up for everyone!
>> Take Care ~ 8|8 <<<< my attempt at butterfly
and i LOVE your butterfly! .... this ol' man says, Way Cool!
so .... anyway.
>> Do you think it was the Lexapro that has Made you forget? By that I mean are we all under the influence of a drug that mutes your emotions and feelings, makes you "forget" your trials and tribulations under a fog of chemicals??? How can we deal with our problems if we are not "bothered" by them????
i see clearly the danger you are highlighting .... well, not so dire as a danger, as much as a risk:
Are we being **drugged** into a numb, comatose, emotional zombie, too zoned out to feel depressed or feel anything.which should reflect the presciption drug equivalent of alcoholism: medicated to the point of drunken unconsciousness and oblivion about our psycho-neurotransmitter(s) dysfunction(s) ... well, we don't have to bothher with this alcohol abuse parallel.
what i have experienced has been the antithesis of the numbed-out-till-we-can't-complain-about-our-pain explanation:
at least for me, it seems like i suffered (was suffering?) a certain level of pain, i became accostumed to this from long constant exposure, i was inured to it as most of us become and , of course, i ignored it and what it was doing to me and to my relationships.
what i feel happened to me when i took lex was as it began to support my neurotransmitter(s) levels was (is) it did two things:
first, i think it increased my sensitivity to the pain which i had numbed myself to ..... so i felt much worse for this ...
then, it began to lessen the pain level as my neurotransmitters began to stabilize........
but his lessening was an increment that let me be able tolook
at what and how i (was) am hurting, which without lexapro, i would NOT be able to do .... i would not be aware enough to do .... .. it gave me enough relief to be able to stand my pain level enough to be able to handle thinking about doing sommething about it.
without lexapro, i'd be a popscicle-man : my pain would still have me emotionally frozen by the tension of the agony; unable to feel, unable to see my hurt; clueless that there was any problem; an emotional automoton; a robot; a tin man without a heart that i could hear beat ....
these posts are evidence that lex has benefited my recovery by helping me to progress to this point, that now i can see where i have (emotional)work to do and i can now begin to do it.
so for me it is just the opposite of being numbed to my pain, because for me, lexapro has made me so much more aware of my emotions, mmy hurt and my emotional needs for me to recover.
what about y'all,
....... how it work for you guys?~ jim
Posted by lil' jimi on June 6, 2003, at 12:45:25
In reply to Re: i forgot june 3rd, 2002 .... » Mariposa, posted by lil' jimi on June 6, 2003, at 12:30:22
hi,
i nearly forgot (HA!):
what made me forget 6/3/03 ?
i think there are psychological reasons, some of which would seem related my taking lexapro .... if only because everything about my head space is related to my taking lexapro ...
but i feel like, for as much as my mind was playing tricks on me, it was of the diiferent order of confusion/illusion that i forgot and not so much that lex was helping me try to evade this reminder of my pain.
i had even mentioned this anniversary to my wife last week and we were aware of its approach ...... then i forgot all about it.
i also think it has to do with how many things i have going that have loaded up on me and my original symptom of having this struggle trying to get these things accomplished:
1) get a mortagage on the house we are living in;
2) buy at least one, if not 2 new cars;
3) decide if i will retire by june 30 and except my employer's buy out offer of $16,000
4) summer vacation anyone ?so i forgot .....
any advice on getting a home loan?
peace,
~ jim
Posted by leeran on June 6, 2003, at 15:06:08
In reply to Re: i forgot june 3rd, 2002 .... » Mariposa, posted by lil' jimi on June 6, 2003, at 12:30:22
I'm currently on Lexapro - just jumped to 10 mg. - and during this personal crisis (I don't know what else to call it) concerning my son and his upcoming move back to the Midwest - I found that I experienced pain/sorrow quite deeply.
I remember how I felt on Prozac - and that was an "oh well, so what" attitude regarding just about everything . . . i.e. work, orgasms, problems and just life in general.
For that reason, I liked Prozac (sans the orgasm part - but I TAKE THAT BACK, stream of consciousness here, it was PAXIL that impacted orgasmic ability). Back to Prozac - I liked it. Perhaps it should ultimately be my anti-depressant of choice but I always thought it contributed to weight gain and breast tenderness - which all might have been peri-menopausal in nature, who knows?
If only our bodies would spit out a detailed report of what's caused by what and what's needed to "fix" it. Wouldn't life be so much easier . . .
Anyway, I found that Lexapro didn't numb my ability to experience loss. Hard to tell how I would have handled it without.
Since I'm just rambling and railing I will say this: I hate menopause. More than anything else, I feel it has robbed me of myself. I never know if "it" is menopause or depression, menopause or mania, menopause or OCD, or menopause or ennui.
Dr. Bob, I rarely address any portion of my posts (I think this is a first) to you - but I will take this opportunity to do so.
Have you ever considered a "Psycho-Meno" board?
I know my psychiatrist has mentioned that he's had many peri-menopausal and menopausal women come to his office literally thinking they've gone mad. Same with my gynecologist.
Not long ago, I saw a clip on Larry King of Dr. Phil McGraw's wife doing a focus group with women in menopause. I could see such an immediate bond between these women, perhaps because the experience is hard to describe unless you're going through it - or have been through it.
Now, I know - some women breeze through menopause. Actually - I breezed through my "fertile years" with little or no difficulty. Barely a blip on the radar screen. No endometriosis, no pain, could buy a box of t**pons and it would last a year, etc. Same thing with pregnancy - no morning sickness - not even ONCE (the birth was a different story).
I guess, hormonally, there has to be one component of womanhood that knocks us on our *ss (civilly put - b*tt).
Dr. Bob, if you ever decide to add such an extension (I know, you're not doing this as a study anymore and I certainly wouldn't want to add an additional headache or more bandwidth to your monthly internet charges) I would certainly be willing to be one of the "monitors" or civility police (whatever it's called).
Signing out -
Lee
Posted by leeran on June 6, 2003, at 16:08:49
In reply to Re: i forgot 6/3/02(part 2)++ Mariposa, Lee, et al, posted by lil' jimi on June 6, 2003, at 12:45:25
A friend of mine (who is also my business partner and very picky about researching) used http://www.eloan.com/home
My husband handled all the loan info on our house as well as the refinancing, so I've been kind of out of the loop on financing for the last four years.
I do know that now is the time to get a loan, considering interest rates are lower than they've been in forty years (oh geez, I sound like some commercial I've probably heard!).
If the U.S. dollar falls in Asian markets (which is something many fear happening at some time in the not-so-distant future) interest rates may sky-rocket. That said, if I was in your shoes, I would be securing your loan a.s.a.p.
I think you and I are on the same page when it comes to thinking that these are troubled times for our country (in more ways than one).
That guy, Economica, who posts on rumormillnews.com, mentioned all this quite recently and his "words of advice" including securing a long-term mortgage at the lowest interest rate possible in order to guarantee the roof over your head . . .
That may be kind of an alarmist attitude on his part - but I thought I would pass it along since I just read about it within the last week.
Good luck! Sounds like you have a lot going on!
Posted by lil' jimi on June 6, 2003, at 16:19:24
In reply to Re: i forgot june 3rd, 2002 .... » lil' jimi, posted by leeran on June 6, 2003, at 15:06:08
hi lee,
i LOVED your message here ... Thanks!
(i want to offer my response to your previous post, but later on ..... i love the way you write ... it always flows so readably for me ..... thanks!)(i hope to emulate your streaming, some day....... my writing always seems so awkward and stilted to me.)
until i get to get back to you with that post though.......
have you seen this?URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20030508/msgs/229329.html
bob addressed it to you .... i wasn't sure you went to Social or not.
you have really done my heart good by posting to me here Because it is a great comfort to me to know you are doing as well as you can and trying to hang in there, what with your issues at home there ..... it is just plain good for me to hear from you!
THANKS!!!!
until next time,
TAKE CARE !!!!
sib in lex,
~ jim
Posted by leeran on June 6, 2003, at 16:33:13
In reply to Re: jimi's 6/3/02: leeran's menoBabble idea » leeran, posted by lil' jimi on June 6, 2003, at 16:19:24
Jimi -
Your writing always seems to flow as if you're on a roll. Don't change a thing!
Yes, I did see that message from Dr. Bob after Dinah pointed it out here on this board. I hadn't visited for awhile because of, well, you know - the fall-out from the nuclear (family) bomb my son and ex dropped on May 21 (that date may become a significant one for me to remember in years to come, and not in a good way).
I'm feeling as though I might have rounded yet another corner in the last few days. Acceptance has not come easy these last two weeks. I definitely feel stuck in a double bind and the only thing that will change anything is time. It will take time for him to assimilate whether or not living there full-time is right for him, time for me to get used to such a foreign idea, but most of all - time to adjust to the reality that he is no longer part of my every day "immediate" existence. All the patterns of life, the time he walks in from school - the shower turning on at 7:10 every morning . . . him sitting on the stool next to my desk and telling me about his day. All that stuff.
Now I feel like that Staples commercial around Christmas time with the robot "Weeping. Weeping."
I'm just kidding - I'm not weeping.
As I recall, you have a four year old child - right?
All I can say is this - enjoy every single moment because the time goes by so d*mned fast. About the time they become one of (if not) the most interesting people you've ever met - it's time for them to start to drift into their own future. Actually, N's maturity has probably brought about this a few years earlier than typical college age. His dad and I both agree that he is really mature, yet he is so dependent on me as the "safety net." Hopefully, this will be a transition time wherein he can become more self-sufficient. That's one of the silver lining versions I placate myself with in order not to go completely insane.
Thanks again for the head's up (or is it heads, heads' up?) on the post from Dr. Bob.
Have a good weekend,
Yours in Lexapro :-)
Lee
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 6, 2003, at 18:32:13
In reply to Re: i forgot june 3rd, 2002 .... » lil' jimi, posted by leeran on June 6, 2003, at 15:06:08
> Have you ever considered a "Psycho-Meno" board?
I haven't, but if others are interested, we could give it a try...
> Dr. Bob, if you ever decide to add such an extension ... I would certainly be willing to be one of the "monitors" or civility police (whatever it's called).
Great, thanks for the offer!
Bob
Posted by lil' jimi on June 6, 2003, at 20:39:08
In reply to Re: jimi's 6/3/02: leeran's menoBabble idea, posted by leeran on June 6, 2003, at 16:33:13
lee star,
you wrote me:
>> Jimi -
>>
>> Your writing always seems to flow as if you're on a roll. Don't change a thing!
>>aaaahhhhh, you nice lady! ... ... very sweet sweet! ... .... you be my friend? ...
>> Yes, I did see that message from Dr. Bob after Dinah pointed it out here on this board.
....... oooooooo, .... you smart lady, too! ... ... i say 'social', when i mean 'admin', when we are already at 'social', so of course, you already been 'social' but ... ... ...
but you find correct meanings anyway! ... .... .... you are smart lady! .... you be my friend, smart one, very nice one, please?>> I hadn't visited for awhile because of, well, you know - the fall-out from the nuclear (family) bomb my son and ex dropped on May 21 (that date may become a significant one for me to remember in years to come, and not in a good way).
>>your eloquence in your devastation has been a thing of beauty to behold .... ..... and terrible and so tragic .... ..... for such a sweet sweet mom ..... ... a good mom.
i tremble at the terror of such loving power come to bear on such horrible pain .....
>> I'm feeling as though I might have rounded yet another corner in the last few days. Acceptance has not come easy these last two weeks.
.... ... and awe that you have just come back from such hopeless depths to return here intact.... ... or close to it ....
....... she speaks the word ... .... 'acceptance' .... yea, verily, she lives yet !>> I definitely feel stuck in a double bind and the only thing that will change anything is time. It will take time for him to assimilate whether or not living there full-time is right for him, time for me to get used to such a foreign idea, but most of all - time to adjust to the reality that he is no longer part of my every day "immediate" existence. All the patterns of life, the time he walks in from school - the shower turning on at 7:10 every morning . . . him sitting on the stool next to my desk and telling me about his day. All that stuff.
>>
>> Now I feel like that Staples commercial around Christmas time with the robot "Weeping. Weeping."
>>
>> I'm just kidding - I'm not weeping.
>
>> As I recall, you have a four year old child - right?
>>
>> All I can say is this - enjoy every single moment because the time goes by so d*mned fast. About the time they become one of (if not) the most interesting people you've ever met - it's time for them to start to drift into their own future. Actually, N's maturity has probably brought about this a few years earlier than typical college age. His dad and I both agree that he is really mature, yet he is so dependent on me as the "safety net." Hopefully, this will be a transition time wherein he can become more self-sufficient. That's one of the silver lining versions I placate myself with in order not to go completely insane.
>>our 4 year old son's name is robert santiago and, of course, it is through him that i feel the closest to your pain .... ..... you have been through everything we've gone through with santiago and more ... .... ... and we love him so ... we couldn't bear to have him .... leave
....even though ... ... ...someday ... ... someday he willand that's the direction i have to go to visit your hurt ... .... ....
there i see delayed (menopause driven) post-partum pre-empty nesting separaion-anxiety depression screaming RAGE !!!!!!
then here you just sanely tell me that he's .... growing up ..... it'll make him stronger ..... probably be ... ... ... good for him ... ... ... in the long run.
or. at least, you are trying to ... ... ... but the progress in this direction ... .... inspires me .... you are showing me how you have made progress ... .... ... showing me the way ? ... eh?
>> Thanks again for the head's up (or is it heads, heads' up?) on the post from Dr. Bob.hmmm ... ... "Heads Up!!" ... ... i don't have any idea!
>>
>> Have a good weekend,
>>
>> Yours in Lexapro :-)
>>
>> Lee
>>
>>you too lee, you have a good weekend too!
and thanks for being a good friend in lexapro too!let me ask you about your parents ...
..... are you close ? ... ... is N ?my sharpest grief is that i can't show santiago off to my folks anymore ... ... getting his pictures to them used to be a major focus for me ....
lee i know it's agony, but i can tell you've worked really hard and i can tell you've made a lot progress .... .... .... that you are able to imagine a time when you will be able to handle this impresses the sh*t out of me! (sorry, i don't use that kind of language, but it was the only thing that was adequate) ...
... ... even as imaginings hurt you so much ... and will, but maybe a little bit less ... after a while.
it is impressive, (and i agree with you) that we can hurt so much and yet survive it ... ... and although we can feel the pain, we endure it ... ... ... i feel this is due to the lex ... ... because in my case, i felt my underlying emotional pain less before i took lexapro ...
peace
kind ones
~ jim
Posted by lil' jimi on June 20, 2003, at 12:43:19
In reply to Re: mom died 6/3/2002 .... dad, 6/11/2002, posted by lil' jimi on June 6, 2003, at 0:41:44
hi,
pressure continues to do those things i'm supposed to do, because i have not done them ....
AND
What IS this deal with June?
something about some kind of "date" for ... what? ...
practically every day? .... ... huh?june 3rd . .... accident, mom dies one year ago
june 9th ..... their 60th anniversary
june 11th .... dad died one year ago ...
(AND!)
june 11th .... mother-in-law died 15 years ago ...(my latest "surprise" (!) i'd 'forgot'.)
june 13th .... went to omaha
june 14th .... came home from omaha
june 15th .... fathers' day
june 18th .... mom's 83rd birthdayjune's been kind of rough.
it is still weird to me that despite the disparity of the issues (negative with mom; positive with dad), there's the same amount of recovery needed for each ... i had thought that i'd be the harder pressed to work through my issues about mom, because of my antipathies for her ... ... it hardly matters ... ... hurts as much either way, really ... ...
everyone
TAKE CARE !!!!!
~ jim
This is the end of the thread.
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