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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Miller on May 28, 2003, at 9:16:51
I had a pdoc appointment yesterday. I think he and I are on the right track for the correct combination. I bought books. I had a phone interview for a new job. Yet...
Why is everything so dramatic? Why is it I couldn't sleep at all last night? I slept a total of two hours.
I realize everything can't go right at the same time. I just want to feel secure and safe for a while.
My pdoc asks me, every time I see him, if I have thoughts of suicide. After my previous experiences, there is no way I would ever tell him if I was. Will the rest of my life become a blanket of lies to ease everyone's mind?
Will there ever be a day when I can feel worthy of living? Will there be a time when good things happen and I will appreciate them? Feel I deserve them?
Does anyone have some answers???? Please ????
-Miller
Posted by zenhussy on May 28, 2003, at 11:32:49
In reply to Oh, you guys. Does it ever end?, posted by Miller on May 28, 2003, at 9:16:51
> I had a pdoc appointment yesterday. I think he and I are on the right track for the correct combination. I bought books. I had a phone interview for a new job. Yet...
>
> Why is everything so dramatic? Why is it I couldn't sleep at all last night? I slept a total of two hours.
>
> I realize everything can't go right at the same time. I just want to feel secure and safe for a while.
>
> My pdoc asks me, every time I see him, if I have thoughts of suicide. After my previous experiences, there is no way I would ever tell him if I was. Will the rest of my life become a blanket of lies to ease everyone's mind?
>
> Will there ever be a day when I can feel worthy of living? Will there be a time when good things happen and I will appreciate them? Feel I deserve them?
>
> Does anyone have some answers???? Please ????
>
> -MillerMiller,
You can be honest here. Please don't feel that you have to create a blanket of lies. People here understand the ups and downs and downs and dammit it keeps going down type of life.
I do believe that you will find a day where you feel worthy of living. For now it sounds like the disease is ruling your thoughts and unfortunately in that kind of situation it is hard to "break free" of that kind of thinking. It requires meds or therapy or both. It isn't a matter of willing yourself better. There is a disease at work.
I'm sorry if being honest with your pdoc landed you in the hospital before (I'm guessing that based on your statement above about not telling him based on his previous reactions).
I've had to learn to differentiate between being actively suicidal and just having regular suicidal thoughts (with no impulse or intention of acting on them but they are just there all the damn time). I think both my pdoc and therapist now understand that I'm not going to commit suicide suddenly on them (I have contract with both--both for my comfort and theirs) but that I DO need to be able to express the suicidal thoughts that run through my mind so frequently.
As far as wondering if you will ever appreciate the good things that do happen in your life I do believe you will get to that point. And yes Miller, you most definitely deserve to have good things happen in your life.
As far as I know you aren't an axe murderer so you're a good person in my book.
Please be gentle with yourself when you are feeling like this.
I'm sorry I don't have answers but I hope I can offer up a bit of support and some understanding.
Please take care and keep posting your truth here.
zenhussy
Posted by Greg on May 28, 2003, at 12:11:50
In reply to Oh, you guys. Does it ever end?, posted by Miller on May 28, 2003, at 9:16:51
Hi Miller,
Our lives are dramatic, at least to us. Something dramatic happens to me every single day, a run-in with a co-worker, getting stuck in traffic, going to a dr's appt and having to wait. All trivial things to most people, but a very big deal to me, and to you too I'd bet.
Those are good things that happened to you yesterday, especially about your meds. I was thrilled after trying 20 (or more) different meds and finally finding the right combo. The one truly traumatic thing I see on your list, job interview. I used to be able to nail those puppies! Now I panic during the initial call, the interview itself is a disaster. I completely understand you not being able to sleep. It comes with the territory I think.
I wish I could tell you how to feel safe, everyone has their own ways of doing that. My wife makes me feel safe. She's taken a lot of her free time to look into my disorder and see how she can go about helping me. And I try to communicate to her when I need her help. Talking to friends helps. Another poster here, Shar, has become one of my dearest friends, and we talk often on the phone. She is incredibly good at making me feel safe, she knows how to help keep my mind balanced. A great lady.
I'm very concerned that you have to keep your thoughts of suicide from your pdoc. Idealation and action are two very different things and you should be able to tell him that you've had thoughts without fear of retribution. He's not doing you any favors by severing that bond of trust. There's not many people here that haven't had suicidal thoughts, and even those who have attempted it are not necessarily going to try it again. You need to find away to talk to your pdoc about this. You have to be able to be open with him without fear.
I have days when good things happen and I do appreciate them, that can happen to you too. Will you feel like you deserve them? I don't know, that's a hard one for me. I spent all my life as a child being told I was worthless and didn't deserve anything, and that stuck with me pretty deep. But you are worthy of living, you're a good person Miller. I've seen you reach out to so many here with a helping hand. People that aren't worthy don't do things like that.
I'm sorry it's so bad. You're in my thoughts and my heart.
Greg
Posted by mair on May 28, 2003, at 14:47:42
In reply to Oh, you guys. Does it ever end?, posted by Miller on May 28, 2003, at 9:16:51
Miller,
Lots of us struggle with persistent suicidal thinking. I have felt very much like you - that I needed to soft peddle, or even lie about the depth of my thinking. I didn't have an experience like you had, but there were times when I thought my therapist overreacted to my suicidal "talk", enough to make me feel gun shy about bringing it up with her again.
However, with much work I've now reached the point that zenhussy describes, where it can be discussed in a more helpful way. I have learned, as has my therapist, to distinguish between suicidal thinking which may well end in action, and the more pervasive suicidal thinking that just seems to hang around, sometimes more oppressively than others. I think working through this with her has paid dividends. It's helped me to be less freaked out by my own thought processes. More importantly, I'm now at a place where I can discuss suicide without fear of my therapist overreacting. I think it means I'm more likely to reach out to her if things really do get more serious, and in less serious times, talking about it with her seems to be reassuring to me in a way that, holding back from her, isn't.
Even when I can't imagine getting any better, my therapist can, so I just try to trust her judgment. It's possible that you may have to deal with suicidal ideation for a long time, but I do believe that working through some of these issues with your pdoc (therapist?) may help you feel a little less threatened by the thoughts themselves and also by his reaction to them.
Mair
Posted by Dinah on May 28, 2003, at 20:16:09
In reply to Oh, you guys. Does it ever end?, posted by Miller on May 28, 2003, at 9:16:51
Yes, Miller. I think that with the right medication combination there will come a time when you can feel and appreciate good things. And with the right support and therapeutic work, I think there will come a time when you feel worthy and deserving of all the best life can offer. And even be really outraged when you don't get it. :)
You're dealing with a lot right now in terms of stress. And, for me at least, suicidal ideation seems to increase under stress. If you can't tell your pdoc about your suicidal thoughts, can you tell him that you don't feel free to tell him because of your prior experiences? Can you work with him on a way to tell him without him thinking you mean "right now". And if you do mean "right now" could you tell him anyway, for the sake of those of us who care about you?
Things will get better, Miller. Maybe not permanently "That Girl" sort of happy better, but better enough that you'll be glad you stuck it out.
How are things with your shrink? Do you feel safe with him? Can you tell him the things you can't tell your pdoc? Sometimes the only place in the world I feel safe is in my therapist's office. Sometimes he's the only peace from the storm. And I am pretty attached to that sense of peace. Is there anywhere like that for you? I think that may be one of the downsides to an online shrink.
Take care of yourself, Miller. And while we may worry about you, please don't feel that you have to lie here. We can take the truth, and those of us who can't at any given moment know how to protect themselves by avoiding certain threads. So I hope you can feel a bit safe here.
Posted by Dinah on May 28, 2003, at 20:41:56
In reply to Re: Oh, you guys. Does it ever end? » Miller, posted by Greg on May 28, 2003, at 12:11:50
Just wanted to add a note, Greg, to tell you that your wife is a lucky woman. I would love it if I heard my husband talk about me that way. What a wonderful compliment to her!
Posted by tina on May 28, 2003, at 21:21:41
In reply to Oh, you guys. Does it ever end?, posted by Miller on May 28, 2003, at 9:16:51
Hey Miller
I want to be supportive because you've been so good to me but I'm not in the frame of mind, I'm sorry to say. In my rational mind, I know it will get better but in my present state, I feel like it will never get better. It goes up and down.
I just wanted you to know that I hear you and I wish you all the best with this new combo.
Keep us updated ok
hugs
tina
Posted by tina on May 28, 2003, at 21:23:34
In reply to Re: Oh, you guys. Does it ever end? » Greg, posted by Dinah on May 28, 2003, at 20:41:56
Isnt' it nice when your spouse at least tries to understand? I'm jealous. Mine seems to have taken the stance that my mental illness is all of a sudden just an excuse.
Ho hum.
Posted by shar on May 28, 2003, at 21:33:56
In reply to Oh, you guys. Does it ever end?, posted by Miller on May 28, 2003, at 9:16:51
The answer is what that female comedian used to say (whose name I don't remember but she was a real hoot!):
It could happen!!
Yeah, we could feel worthy of a good day, or get a good job, or...etc.
That's the deal. It COULD happen. I think that's what keeps so many of us going. But, I believe it is unlikely to be what we so often hope. More like a search-and-enjoy mission; finding things that will bring us some measure of plesure, contentment, enjoyment, quiet, peace, or whatever.
I hope you have a moment soon!!
Shar
Posted by Devilot on May 28, 2003, at 21:34:03
In reply to Oh, you guys. Does it ever end?, posted by Miller on May 28, 2003, at 9:16:51
I'm one of many people like yourself that feel this way at times. Some of us feel it more often and stronger than others. I go through bouts of this, and though it passes for me eventually, I know there are some who feel it all the time. Like everything is pointless. Like we don't belong here and don't deserve this 'prescious gift' called life. Well, I believe life is painful and depressing, and impossible to live, but we do because its what we're here to do. One day, I believe, the reason for our life will make itself known to each of us. This is why I want to live despite the pain and the numbness and the, sometimes overwhelming idea that its all for nothing. There is something for each of us to experience that will make us happy. Meeting that one person, or having a child, or finding God (if you believe in God) or finding anything to believe in besides the thought that everything is horrible. I understand what you're feeling I think Miller. I hope you take my words at face value. You deserve to feel happy, and to live, and to be the person you know, inside, that you CAN be oneday. Just keep living so you can see him in the mirror that great morning. :)
Posted by fallsfall on May 28, 2003, at 21:34:55
In reply to Re: Oh, you guys. Does it ever end? » Dinah, posted by tina on May 28, 2003, at 21:23:34
My husband put his head in the ground and said "Maybe it will just go away". It was hard for him to walk and drive, and he even went to therapy that way. Then I left him. I would have given anything for him to understand.
Posted by shar on May 28, 2003, at 21:38:11
In reply to Re: Oh, you guys. Does it ever end? » Miller, posted by Greg on May 28, 2003, at 12:11:50
>Another poster here, Shar, has become one of my dearest friends, and we talk often on the phone. She is incredibly good at making me feel safe, she knows how to help keep my mind balanced. A great lady.
>See, good things CAN happen! I never in a hundred years would have thought I'd sign on here and be touched by the generous, caring words of a dearly loved friend! Thank you so much, Greg. You helped make my tired, fried brain more at peace. Who knows, I might even sleep tonight!
Shar
Posted by Greg on May 29, 2003, at 7:04:02
In reply to Re: Oh, you guys. Does it ever end? » Greg, posted by Dinah on May 28, 2003, at 20:41:56
Thanks Dinah, I've put the woman thru an awful lot in our 15 years together, and I really don't understand why she's stuck it out with me all this time, just a great lady I guess. I think I'm the lucky one.
G
> Just wanted to add a note, Greg, to tell you that your wife is a lucky woman. I would love it if I heard my husband talk about me that way. What a wonderful compliment to her!
Posted by Miller on May 29, 2003, at 21:02:56
In reply to Oh, you guys. Does it ever end?, posted by Miller on May 28, 2003, at 9:16:51
It was like a huge hug seeing all of the responses from you all. I know it can be rough for all of us. I don't know what I would do without you guys. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Tina, when JYL is released from her sentence, she can make you smile. She always does. Hang in there. If we can help you, just ask.
I am very lucky to have found this site. When noone else is supporting me or if I am in a funk and can't get out, it is a HUGE comfort having you all.
Thank you.
-Miller
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