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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by noa on May 18, 2003, at 15:11:06
Although I've generally been doing well (I must begin this post with this statement, to try to remind myself), I still have these episodes of weekend depression. Not always. But the past two have been completely reclusive.
This weekend actually started on Friday. I called in sick. It's been rainy and very dark and gloomy and I don't know if that has something to do with it or not. I do have SAD and I know light affects me a lot, but can I say that there is such an immediate effect on my mood? I don't know.
But what happens is I get lazy and reclusive and hole up at home and neglect everything. I dull my self with boredom, I guess. I lose all motivation for most things.
This weekend, I've been sleeping a LOT. While I was sleeping, I even dreamt that I had some sort of sleeping sickness, and kept apologizing to people in my dreams for being asleep in action. I guess it was one of those times when dreaming and some semi-consciousness about being asleep intersect.
In another part of the dream, I wake up in the back seat of a car driven by someone who isn't supposed to be driving--some old woman relative of the people I am supposedly staying with. I have a little girl with me I guess I am supposed to be taking care of, although I guess I question my ability to do so since I am basically asleep on the job! Anyway, we--the little girl and I--wake up in this car, and discover it is moving, and driven by this demented old woman who isn't supposed to drive because she can't see well and has very poor judgment. We careen through intersections, etc., although I notice that she isn't running red lights or anything. then, she veers slightly off the road and runs over some small utility boxes or something, so I know we have "grounds" to not allow her to drive. We stop for gas, or drinks, or directions, or something, and while she is out of the car, I grab the keys so as not to let her drive. So, then, when I am relating the events to other people in the dream, I suddenly have the realization that the events didn't happen--I dreamt them! But I tell them as if they happened, leaving out the fact that I had dreamt them.
My interpretation of this is that the old woman, the little girl and me in the dream are all ME. I say this because I have had many dreams (though not in a long time that I remember) about driving. Especially dreams of driving or trying to drive from the back seat or with my eyes closed. It is the same semi-conscious awareness of being asleep. So, I think the metaphor is about not "being in the driver's seat", or "being asleep at the wheel", etc., of life. Of My life. So in this version--I am asleep when I should be caring for this child. I find my self in a moving car driven by an incompetent old woman who has lost her cognitive and physical capacity to "be in the driver's seat"--but she doesn't even know it. She is quite out of it, mentally. I am the only responsible adult and I am asleep on the job. Supposed to be caring for the little girl, but how can I be doing that properly if I'm asleep. I guess the redeeming thing is that I do scheme to and successfully manage to get the keys back from the old woman--ie, take charge in a crisis, and ensure all of our safety. This is the short period in the dream where I'm awake, and not falling asleep. In the rest of the dream (there is more but I'm not going to bore you with all the details) I am always falling asleep, literally falling to the floor, asleep, and apologizing to the other people for being asleep, saying I must have some sort of sleeping sickness. I guess the taking charge part of the dream reminds me of how well I do when I'm visiting my ailing parents--I become more take-charge, unlike in my own life.
In the dream, I am trying desperately not to be asleep all the time, so I make a pot of coffee, but not very successfully. (It's hard to do this when you keep falling to the floor, asleep!).
All week, I did not get enough sleep, so I guess I've been operating with a sleep deficit. But this seems excessive.
Get this--as I am writing this post, I am remembering another bizarre element of the dream: I am accompanying the people I am staying with on errands. One of the stores we go to is a huge box-like, chain store along the lines of Toys R Us or Walmart, etc. But it's called "I M Lesbian"! So, I realize, the people I'm staying with are a lesbian couple--the ones with the child I am babysitting. Anyway, one woman is with me, the other not, so for a moment, as we park the car to go into the store, I worry about whether people will assume I am "with" this woman, and this is our child. I decide who cares, and anyway, I am really curious to see what kind of merchandise this store for lesbians is selling. I guess it is a total marketing thing--everything the average lesbian in America wants and needs for their life and home (whatever that might be). But I never get to see it, as the dream shifts at that point.
So, after I am awake and remembering this dream, I of course ask myself, am I trying to tell myself through this dream that maybe I'm a lesbian? I reflect on this a few seconds, and decide, "nah". I have lots of insecurities but I think I've figured that aspect of my life out quite clearly (although in recent years it has been a rather "theoretical" aspect of my life!). But I am laughing because I think it would a feat of marketing genius to open this chain of stores!
Today, I am also out of adderall, and I have the scrip and can fill it, but it means getting dressed and going out to fill it. I need to. It is one thing being with out it on a lazy Sunday, but to try and function at work--I don't think so. But of course, I resist.
I feel lousy sitting here holed up in this apt. needing a shower and needing to get out of my funk. But lazy and bored and empty. And I know I am so self-absorbed like this, like the rest of the world doesn't exist. I know this is so bad for me, yet it is a pattern I repeat over and over again.
Posted by leeran on May 18, 2003, at 15:50:14
In reply to Same old, same old and some dreams(long), posted by noa on May 18, 2003, at 15:11:06
As I was reading this (before I read your analysis) I thought the same exact thing:
"My interpretation of this is that the old woman, the little girl and me in the dream are all ME."
"I M Lesbian"
This is interesting . . . especially the line "I am really curious . . ."
Maybe you feel like you relate to other women better than men?
Perhaps you are feeling the need to nurture the "anima" (female) side of your soul on weekends, whereas the work week feeds into more animus tendencies - or working/providing shelter for yourself.
http://www.lessons4living.com/anima_and_animus.htm
Posted by Dinah on May 18, 2003, at 16:20:27
In reply to Same old, same old and some dreams(long), posted by noa on May 18, 2003, at 15:11:06
Great interpretation, Noa! Your therapist must love you. I rarely have dreams and they're usually rather mundane.
As to the malaise, maybe it's something in the air. I've got the same problem. I'm about to curl up on the sofa with a blankie and stare slack jawed at whatever my son is watching. And at the same time, I'm also completely overstimulated and buzzy. Weird combination. The phases of the moon maybe?
Posted by judy1 on May 18, 2003, at 16:56:35
In reply to Same old, same old and some dreams(long), posted by noa on May 18, 2003, at 15:11:06
I felt your dream interpretation was right on target (and totally fascinating to read). As far as the SAD- yes you can be affected right away, I remember awakening many rainy mornings depressed and my actions that day just making everything worse. Have you gotten your new lamp yet? (I seem to remember the old one was broken). BTW, I LOVED the concept of the lesbian chain stores. Are you by any chance talking about sexuality with your therapist? I know usually they delve into that early in the therapeutic relationship, but maybe something has happened that made it come up again? just some thoughts... take care, judy
Posted by Snoozy on May 18, 2003, at 22:22:51
In reply to Same old, same old and some dreams(long), posted by noa on May 18, 2003, at 15:11:06
Wow - I have had many of the same experiences. Pretty much all my life I've been haunted by this weekend depression. Sundays seemed to be the worst for a long time. And the thing is that I have still felt this way during periods where I have no obligations M-F.
I haven't had it much recently, but I had the having-to-drive-from-the-backseat dream a lot in the past. In my dream, I'm always trying to focus because I need to be concentrating to drive from back there. And there's always something else going on in the car - people talking.
"I M Lesbian" LOL!!! If you ever make it inside the store, I'm dying to know what they sell. Do you watch the Simpsons? The store sounds to me like something I might see on that show. (They had a great episode about a new drug called "Focusyn". I can't believe no drug company has used that name!)
Take heart, Monday is just around the corner :)
Posted by shar on May 18, 2003, at 22:33:43
In reply to Same old, same old and some dreams(long), posted by noa on May 18, 2003, at 15:11:06
Noa,
As I was reading your post, sort of developing ideas as I went along during the dream, you expressed the ideas I'd thought about. I do believe you ARE all the people in the dream. I also believe you have the intelligence and capability to analyze the dream...at least in terms of how it FEELS to you. By that I mean, even if it is an "asleep at the wheel" dream, it FEELS that way and does not necessarily reflect reality (in which you take care of business, even if you don't meet some 1950's standard of household tidiness or something).I think you are in a lot of stressful situations right now, and especially with your mom not being well (the driver, perhaps, I thought), etc. and this dream is probably an accurate reflection of how life feels to you right now.
Which is different from what you do in life, which is to succeed at supporting yourself, and being self-sufficient (even if it doesn't always feel that way!).
Take care,
Shar
Posted by maryhelen on May 19, 2003, at 14:41:22
In reply to Re: Same old, same old and some dreams(long) » noa, posted by shar on May 18, 2003, at 22:33:43
Noa:
I have had the problem with weekend depression, more so Saturdays. I was always told that because I put so much energy in going to work and having to be structured, on the weekend I don't have to extend the same energy and can give in to the depression.
However, I am a school secretary and have the summers off and I have have also been on a leave for 2 years. I still find Saturdays to be my worst day for the depression.
So, in fact, I have no answer for you, unfortunately, but just thought I would tell you my experience.
maryhelen
Posted by noa on May 20, 2003, at 14:32:18
In reply to Re: Same old, same old and some dreams(long), posted by maryhelen on May 19, 2003, at 14:41:22
Thanks, y'all.
I really slipped into a funk this time. To add to it, I never got out on Sat. or Sun. to fill the adderall scrip, so Sunday and Monday I was sans adderall, which always makes me feel so out of it and depressed, with a headache, to boot.
Still sleeping a lot. I decided to stay home one more day today. I went to sleep at a decent hour last night, but ended up sleeping 13 hours anyway! I still feel foggy, though I took the adderall a few hours ago.
I did get out to therapy yesterday,and that discussion was helpful. We discussed the dreams, as well as some recent things that came up in the previous session that I hadn't made a connection to, etc. etc.
In the meantime, today I have had some physical symptoms, which, who knows, could be stress related, or not. I can never tell. I mean, with some physical signs I can tell--like headaches emanating from my very stiff neck and shoulders, etc. That is obvious to me. But other physical illnesses are not obvious to me. I figure they could be psychosomatic but I have no idea.
I should get outside, it is sunny and nice. I also promised myself to clean out my car, which is quite out of control. Every time I get into it, I feel disgusted.
I still feel so sleepy. My back has been hurting from sleeping so much, but I feel foggy and tired and craving more sleep.
Posted by shar on May 20, 2003, at 21:49:52
In reply to Re: Same old, same old and some dreams(long), posted by noa on May 20, 2003, at 14:32:18
I'm sorry all this is going on, and it's such a drag to have a longish funk. I hope that you're feeling better today, have your meds, etc.
If it helps at all, I've been carrying around (providing limo service to) several brown grocery sacks that will be used to clean out my car. For months. However, I'm sure that someday I WILL clean out my car...I only hope the sacks will still be intact at that time, as opposed to having returned to their molecular level.
Take care!
Shar> Thanks, y'all.
>
> I really slipped into a funk this time. To add to it, I never got out on Sat. or Sun. to fill the adderall scrip, so Sunday and Monday I was sans adderall, which always makes me feel so out of it and depressed, with a headache, to boot.
>
> Still sleeping a lot. I decided to stay home one more day today. I went to sleep at a decent hour last night, but ended up sleeping 13 hours anyway! I still feel foggy, though I took the adderall a few hours ago.
>
> I did get out to therapy yesterday,and that discussion was helpful. We discussed the dreams, as well as some recent things that came up in the previous session that I hadn't made a connection to, etc. etc.
>
> In the meantime, today I have had some physical symptoms, which, who knows, could be stress related, or not. I can never tell. I mean, with some physical signs I can tell--like headaches emanating from my very stiff neck and shoulders, etc. That is obvious to me. But other physical illnesses are not obvious to me. I figure they could be psychosomatic but I have no idea.
>
> I should get outside, it is sunny and nice. I also promised myself to clean out my car, which is quite out of control. Every time I get into it, I feel disgusted.
>
> I still feel so sleepy. My back has been hurting from sleeping so much, but I feel foggy and tired and craving more sleep.
Posted by BekkaH on May 20, 2003, at 21:58:29
In reply to Re: Same old, same old and some dreams(long) » noa, posted by shar on May 20, 2003, at 21:49:52
Your comments about cleaning the car remind me of a comment made years ago by Rhoda on the MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. She said, "I tend to think of my car as a large pocketbook."
Posted by Dinah on May 21, 2003, at 12:55:46
In reply to Re: Same old, same old and some dreams(long), posted by noa on May 20, 2003, at 14:32:18
Sorry you're not feeling well, Noa. Stress can cause so many things, and you've got so much stress right now. I hope you're feeling better today.
Dinah
Posted by noa on May 21, 2003, at 19:04:46
In reply to Cleaning out the car, posted by BekkaH on May 20, 2003, at 21:58:29
> Your comments about cleaning the car remind me of a comment made years ago by Rhoda on the MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. She said, "I tend to think of my car as a large pocketbook."
I like that. Thanks.
Posted by noa on May 21, 2003, at 19:06:34
In reply to Re: Same old, same old and some dreams(long) » noa, posted by shar on May 20, 2003, at 21:49:52
>I only hope the sacks will still be intact at that time, as opposed to having returned to their molecular level.
Shar, you have such a gift with words. This cracked me up. And made me think of all the things in my life that have returned to their molecular level from my neglect!God only knows what all the molecules in my car are brewing up together!
Posted by noa on May 21, 2003, at 19:21:53
In reply to Re: Same old, same old and some dreams(long) » noa, posted by Dinah on May 21, 2003, at 12:55:46
Thanks, Dinah.
As an update, today I am feeling better. I went to work. That usually helps, despite the fact that work can be one of the major sources of stress. But at least at work I am busy and engaged in productive activity.
Yesterday was a total waste. I slept a lot and then went into one my computer-game-playing trances. Trance is the best word I can use to describe it. This one lasted literally about 9 hours. I mean, nearly 9 hours of straight minesweeper and freecell (not even games that are interesting!!). My hand hurt, nearly frozen in a mouse-working claw position. And I ignore the pain, ignore the feeling of being totally sick of playing anymore. I am stuck in this trance and can't stop myself. The only breaks were short ones for meds and bathroom. I think I didn't even eat that whole time.
So then, it is like minesweeper visuals are burned onto my occipital lobe to drive me further mad! Trying to sleep, and even through much of the work day today, trying to listen to other people speaking, all I can see in my mind's eye is the stupid minesweeper action, like I am still playing it. Aargh. So I came home today and finally did it. I DELETED the minesweeper program from my computer!!! I didn't even just uninstall because that would make it too easy to get it back. Nope, I deleted it. Good riddance. And I know, there probably is a way to get it back, but PLEASE don't share that with me. Ignorance in this instance is better for my health.
OK, so I can still compulsively play solitaire and freecell, but these are not as compelling for me as minesweeper. If they become so, they will hit the trash heap, too.
I'll probably have withdrawal cravings at some point. Oh well. Right now, I just can't wait for this stupid game to leave my brain alone already!!
But the game was not just contributing to the problem, it was also just a result of the basic problem of me getting overwhelmed and going into these trance-like reclusive states. I still have to deal with that.
Thanks, y'all for the support. It helped. My moods can snowball quickly and take on a life of their own.
I am not totally better, but compared to the past few days, much better.
BTW, I went from sleeping all the time, to sleep deprivation. Last night I was only able to manage about 2 hours. My improved mood could, in part, be a result of being deprived of sleep. But getting back into the routine also helped (and not having any major disasters happen at work today, helped, too.).
As it turned out, yesterday and this morning, I did develop some physical symptoms, so I was feeling a bit sickly at work today. Could be psychosomatic but I can never tell. Who knows.
Thanks.
Posted by BekkaH on May 21, 2003, at 21:18:04
In reply to Same old, same old and some dreams(long), posted by noa on May 18, 2003, at 15:11:06
Noa, if it's any consolation, many doctors advise patients who are on stimulants to take "drug holidays" whenever possible in order to stave off the inevitable tolerance that develops. You missed a few days of Adderall and you slept and re-charged your batteries. Most people who stop stimulants abruptly do sleep a lot for the first few days off the medicine. When my Mom was alive and I slept that much, she used to say, "Well, if you slept that much, you must have needed it." You probably needed it, too, emotionally and physically. To add to that, the weather where I live has been very dreary, rainy and cold. Lots of people feel like hibernating in this kind of weather. It doesn't feel like late May at all! I've been using my sunbox a lot these days. I use it year-round, but for a much shorter period of time than in the winter. I find that swimming (or some other exercise) also helps get the circulation going, and it is more effective at improving my mood than all the other medicines I've tried.
Posted by Dinah on May 22, 2003, at 22:11:49
In reply to Re: Same old, same old ...y'all and » Dinah, posted by noa on May 21, 2003, at 19:21:53
Glad you're feeling better. I hope it stays that way.
Congratulations on the minesweeper sweep! I know what you mean about trances. Sometimes I use the internet, but I can do the same thing just staring into space. It's very soothing.
I think Bekka was right. This was probably something your body needed, and you'll probably feel better for it.
Take care.
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