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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bookgurl99 on May 12, 2003, at 22:09:05
I have really been freaking out that I will never be 'normal' again.
I've gone from antidepressant to antidepressant. When I switch off for a washout, I lose side effects but I gain immense fear.
My big problem is that SSRIs steal my short-term memory in exchange for low motivation and weight gain.
Now I'm going through zoloft withdrawal and re-trying serzone. I'm not at full dose on Serzone yet, but I don't feel "normal" like I used to, like I haven't felt for a year. My attention span is low, and I feel foggy-minded.
My partner is kind of toughing it out with me, I know she's hoping for me to be the way I was when I met her -- social, focused, talkative, ambitious.
I don't know whether to attribute all this malaise and poor concentration to meds or if this is 'me.' I don't know who's me separated from the meds anymore.
I'm fearful that my brain has been altered, or has naturally changed in some way that I'll never have my full (used to be laser-focused) attention span and sociable personality back.
I just want to be back at my normal self again. Can you ever go through these woods and find your way back to normal?
Posted by Eggy on May 12, 2003, at 22:22:56
In reply to freaking out that i will never be normal, posted by bookgurl99 on May 12, 2003, at 22:09:05
Posted by Snoozy on May 13, 2003, at 0:51:09
In reply to freaking out that i will never be normal, posted by bookgurl99 on May 12, 2003, at 22:09:05
Hi bookgurl -
I sure know what you mean about the brain fog and poor concentration. Have you ever noticed if a stimulant like caffeine made a big difference in mental sharpness or mood?
About 2 years ago I heard this report about how doing crossword or other types of puzzles helps improve memory and it may help stave off things like Alzheimer's. I've never really been a puzzle person, but I started doing crosswords. I think it does help a bit. No nasty side effects at least. Also, when I struggle to read because of the drowsiness, I'm sometimes able to do a puzzle and it's nice to have some type of mental stimulation.
I noticed somewhere else you said you had been diagnosed with severe migraines? I have had them for way too many years, and I've sometimes thought that there is something particular about headache pain that affects the thinking and memory. More so than chronic pain in any other part of the body. Maybe it's a silly notion to even consider, but whenever I've had pain somewhere other than my head, I've noticed it doesn't cloud my mind as much.
And to sound totally goofy, I think you have to define your own normal. There are things that would be defined as "normal" that I don't want any part of, thank you very much!
Now, what are you doing reading this? Get to work on those papers!!!!
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on May 13, 2003, at 9:57:38
In reply to freaking out that i will never be normal, posted by bookgurl99 on May 12, 2003, at 22:09:05
> I just want to be back at my normal self again. Can you ever go through these woods and find your way back to normal?
---------------If it's any reassurance, I've felt like this on several occasions, after months of feeling totally off and convinced that it'll never change. Given time, though, things do change. I've found that my mind's condition is like the weather. You'll get dry spells and monsoons, but there are good stretches throughout.
Posted by Ted on May 13, 2003, at 15:49:11
In reply to freaking out that i will never be normal, posted by bookgurl99 on May 12, 2003, at 22:09:05
> I have really been freaking out that I will never be 'normal' again.
Given a choice, I wouldn't want to be a CNP ("Chronically Normal Person") and I am sure that, if you really think about it, you wouldn't either.
> My big problem is that SSRIs steal my short-term memory in exchange for low motivation and weight gain.
Yeah, it's a drag. But you CAN and WILL survive.
> Now I'm going through zoloft withdrawal...
It's no fun. I suffered withdrawal for weeks until trying lexapro, then returned to zoloft.
> My attention span is low, and I feel foggy-minded.
Yup. Try adding depakote to that, and you'll know how I feel most of the time. You know what? It only takes time to get used to the disturbances and they WILL ease eventually. These side effects will never go away, but they will improve dramatically.
Take care,
Ted
Posted by paxvox on May 13, 2003, at 16:27:34
In reply to freaking out that i will never be normal, posted by bookgurl99 on May 12, 2003, at 22:09:05
This may sound too simple, but have you tried non-serotonin related antidepressants like Wellbutrin? I had the SSRI burnout a long time ago with Prozac. I know that there are better meds than that now, but I really haven't seen one that anyone agrees works for *most* of them. I know that WB is not for everyone, as it too has a few (though not really serious) side-effects. However, if you lack focus, the ability to concentrate, lack of motivation or lack of energy, WB might be just the ticket for you. Oh, I can all but guarantee that you lose weight with it as well, as long as you maintain a healthy diet and exercise regimen as well. Hope this helps.
PAX
Posted by daizy on May 14, 2003, at 9:30:22
In reply to freaking out that i will never be normal, posted by bookgurl99 on May 12, 2003, at 22:09:05
I saw a doc today, and basically said that I might never feel normal again, because Ive forgotten what normal is, If I was ever normal in the first place........ Confusing I thought!!!
Posted by noa on May 14, 2003, at 18:59:51
In reply to Re: freaking out that i will never be normal, posted by daizy on May 14, 2003, at 9:30:22
Hey, I posted a reply and it isn't here! Yikes.
Here is what I said--
It does sound confusing, you're right.
is this a doc you are going to meet with again? Do you care to find out what he meant by it?
Posted by bookgurl99 on May 14, 2003, at 22:54:15
In reply to Re: freaking out that i will never be normal, posted by paxvox on May 13, 2003, at 16:27:34
Thx for the suggestion. I'm gonna try Serzone, which worked well in the past and didn't cause the SSRI effects. If it doesn't work, I may just pop back to Zoloft and try adding WB. (Under the care of a pdoc, of course.)
Posted by Mikey_C on May 16, 2003, at 19:22:27
In reply to Re: freaking out that i will never be normal, posted by daizy on May 14, 2003, at 9:30:22
Well Daizy, at least that's a start. I remember when I was thinking to myself a lot what would it be like to feel normal since I'm not sure I've ever felt normal to begin with. Seems that that thought and the thought that "what if I never get better" seemed to pop into my head quite regularly.Eventually I came to realize that as long as things were good enough to get me through untill tomorrow then that's all that I really needed in the first place. Things may never be as perfect as I wish them to be... but hey... that's life and now it's time to move on. lol... It's been like 3 months now since I've really even had a "bad day" in terms of my personality disorder. I just take every day for what it is and learn how to deal with things as they come along. As long as I take my medication and try to put real meaning into my life I seem to be really happy.
Still on 375mg of Depakote, 20mg of Celexa, 10mg of Seroquel, and 1mg of Clonazepam every day and have never felt better......
You'll get there in time...
>
> I saw a doc today, and basically said that I might never feel normal again, because Ive forgotten what normal is, If I was ever normal in the first place........ Confusing I thought!!!
>
Posted by daizy on May 17, 2003, at 8:43:17
In reply to Re: freaking out that i will never be normal » daizy, posted by Mikey_C on May 16, 2003, at 19:22:27
Hey Mikey! Good to hear your still doing so well!
Im not as bad, getting there! Im starting to think like you now too, Forgetting about feeling normal!! Got to take it day by day, still having really down days but I guess everyone has them dont they!
Posted by lostsailor on May 19, 2003, at 20:51:33
In reply to Re: freaking out that i will never be normal, posted by daizy on May 17, 2003, at 8:43:17
Normality, if it exists, scares the He** out of me. I am not saying that I really like the way I am at the time, but I'd rather be me then "them." At least that what I tell my-self on some days…
~tony
Posted by daizy on May 20, 2003, at 6:04:04
In reply to Re: freaking out that i will never be normal, posted by lostsailor on May 19, 2003, at 20:51:33
I wish I could think like that. I cant because I dont really like myself very much, I would rather be normal than feeling like I stick out like a sore thumb all the time. Its good your thinking like that though!!!
Normality, if it exists, scares the He** out of me. I am not saying that I really like the way I am at the time, but I'd rather be me then "them." At least that what I tell my-self on some days…
> ~tony
Posted by kalyb on May 20, 2003, at 13:57:10
In reply to Re: freaking out that i will never be normal, posted by daizy on May 20, 2003, at 6:04:04
> Normality, if it exists, scares the He** out of me. I am not saying that I really like the way I am at the time, but I'd rather be me then "them." At least that what I tell my-self on some days…
I think that, after being around people that call themselves "normal" - and have a misguided, half-witted, potentially dangerous idea that they could "help" me to become "normal" - that I would rather be myself. Depressed, miserable, unmotivated, useless, purposeless maybe, but *me* nonetheless.
Sometimes, "normal" people are no good for the soul, particularly if they make you feel inadequate or subhuman when you're around them. Respect is everything... including the respect and RIGHT to be whoever you really are!
Kalyb xx
Posted by bookgurl99 on May 20, 2003, at 15:49:22
In reply to freaking out that i will never be normal, posted by bookgurl99 on May 12, 2003, at 22:09:05
i'm feeling much better. withdrawal gave me strange mood and cognition side effects. (feeling really tired, foggy brained, severely moody,etc.)
now that they are waning, i can say that though i am not _normal_ in the abercrombie & fitch sense, i feel more like "me." my interest in spirituality and natural healing has emerged, along with a larger tendency towards anxiety. but i am using my increased concentration to probe and face this anxiety, to truly change.
i may go back to meds, but re-visiting 'myself' off a medication that robbed me of certain aspects of my personality shows me what i like about myself. i see who i want to 'be' regardless of whether i'm on meds or not.
thanks so much for the support, everyone. it feels good to have people out there reading my messages and caring.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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