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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on December 22, 2002, at 2:55:01
what the heck is wrong with me? I'm not sure I've felt this way before. Maybe I've just been halfway stable for so long I've forgotten. It's just a constant feeling of pressure and worry and the main piece of it is just a feeling that everything is not OK. when I try to analyze it, I just recyle anger and worry and it gets worse.
It's not quite the same as I remember from my blackest depressions. The main feeling there was fear and horror. and a lot of panic that I wouldn't be able to act normal and function and keep up with life's obligations. Not this unease.
Not long ago, I'd wake up and feel like yes, life had its problems, and was severly lacking in many areas, but overall, I was fine. I felt grateful a lot that life was pretty much OK, and I often felt happy.
I can't even believe that the job stress could drive me from relatively OK to this state. I've had job stress forever, yet somehow it seems like it just pushed me over the edge.
I know a long time ago (years) I felt desperate almost constantly. It's almost like that, but the desperation is different. Then I was desperate for social acceptance or romance. Now I just feel desperate for a sustainable and balanced life.
I've come to the conclusion that I just can't go on living this way, with the overwork and the stress. I don't know how to make a better life. Is that the source of the anxiety? I know this has to end, and I don't know what the next phase will look like, or how to get there.
Is it just christmas stress in disguise? Usually that manifests as lethargy and depression, not all this worry.
Maybe it's midlife crisis.
Posted by Dreamerz on December 22, 2002, at 4:37:25
In reply to is this depression? awful whatever it is, posted by Tabitha on December 22, 2002, at 2:55:01
Morning sugarplum : )
I don't know what the problem may be..I've increased my MS to stop me levitating : )
I don't work with others ..but I once did it was hell--I drank every evening to escape.
Best thing to happen is I got sacked .
Times like this may be a positive thing..a change/a universal kick in your gorgeous butt to change direction and find peace of mind?
I don't know..remember things are transient try not to analyize too much...chill.....kissy kiss
Posted by Dinah on December 22, 2002, at 9:22:03
In reply to is this depression? awful whatever it is, posted by Tabitha on December 22, 2002, at 2:55:01
Tabitha, I only have your descriptions of your work situation. That makes it difficult to tell if your perceptions are distorted by depression or anxiety.
But you know, anxiety isn't all bad. Sometimes it's trying to tell us something. Is it possible that your still small voice has been trying to tell you for some time that your job wasn't good for you? That you're working to go to therapy then spending the therapy time to talk about work stress? That you don't feel good about what you do anymore? That your job was not going to lead you in the direction you want to go in life? I'm just throwing things out here. You might conclude your body is trying to tell you something else.
Is it possiblt that after years of putting these feelings aside as nagging concerns, your body just finally rebelled and is now saying "HEY YOU!!! I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU!!!" in the only way it can? It's got your attention, didn't it? So the most important question is whether your perceptions of your job are accurate, or if they may be a bit distorted. Seems like a good therapy session or three.
Based on what you've said here, this just might be your subconscious reminding you that you aren't happy with your work. Don't underestimate job stress. Especially if it accumulates for a while.
You've got some time off. Why don't you try to meditate, center yourself, and decide what you really want from life and if you think your current job has a part in that. A secondary benefit is that meditation and centering are calming, so you will also be better able to enjoy your time off. :)
(All that being said, I've done all that, decided that my body has a legitimate concern over the stressful nature of my job, and decided to continue on in it for other reasons. And my body still shouts at me from time to time.)
Posted by Tabitha on December 22, 2002, at 16:35:12
In reply to Re: is this depression? awful whatever it is » Tabitha, posted by Dreamerz on December 22, 2002, at 4:37:25
You're both so right. work world has been making me crazy (well, increasing craziness at least) for 15+ years, with only brief bits of enjoyment in there. I have to make it stop. Still have not figured out whether the way to make it stop is external (i.e. quit) or internal (i.e. figure out a way to not let it get to me), or a combination of the two.
I have 2 weeks to let this settle before I"m back in it, maybe some clarity will come.
End of sane reflection, here comes some more rambling worry...
Would you believe I have enough money saved to survive 2-3 years of unemployment? Without even economizing much. (well, i'd probably have to cut back on the therapy). But I think gee, I'd better save, since I don't know how long I can stand this, I might not be able to work to retirement age. Then I think gee, wouldn't it be fabulous to take that time off (or even 6 mos for crissake), or to go back to school for a new field, life is short and i'm an idiot to stay on the hamster wheel nonstop during the prime of my life. And I look at career change options, and the salary for most fields I could get into with just a new masters degree are like 1/2 to 1/3 what I make as a programmer, which is pretty discouraging. I certainly couldn't keep living here where the cost of living is so high. By now I'm just plain overwhelmed with trying to figure it out, and what I really need to do is clean up the kitchen.
a tense and worried Tabitha, surrounded by dirty dishes.
Posted by dReamerz on December 22, 2002, at 20:55:24
In reply to Re: thanks sugarplum, and you too gumdrop, posted by Tabitha on December 22, 2002, at 16:35:12
Posted by ShelliR on December 22, 2002, at 21:34:35
In reply to is this depression? awful whatever it is, posted by Tabitha on December 22, 2002, at 2:55:01
Tabitha,
If there's any area of programming that you really like (say graphics, etc.), it sounds like you have enough money to start your own business. Would that be something that would interest you?
Warning: it does take a lot of initiative and sometimes I miss working around other people. And the economy is not great now for what I do. (not good for luxury items) But aside from money worries and lonliness, it's great!
Shelli
Posted by Anna Laura on December 23, 2002, at 3:55:10
In reply to is this depression? awful whatever it is, posted by Tabitha on December 22, 2002, at 2:55:01
> what the heck is wrong with me? I'm not sure I've felt this way before. Maybe I've just been halfway stable for so long I've forgotten. It's just a constant feeling of pressure and worry and the main piece of it is just a feeling that everything is not OK. when I try to analyze it, I just recyle anger and worry and it gets worse.
>
> It's not quite the same as I remember from my blackest depressions. The main feeling there was fear and horror. and a lot of panic that I wouldn't be able to act normal and function and keep up with life's obligations. Not this unease.
>
> Not long ago, I'd wake up and feel like yes, life had its problems, and was severly lacking in many areas, but overall, I was fine. I felt grateful a lot that life was pretty much OK, and I often felt happy.
>
> I can't even believe that the job stress could drive me from relatively OK to this state. I've had job stress forever, yet somehow it seems like it just pushed me over the edge.
>
> I know a long time ago (years) I felt desperate almost constantly. It's almost like that, but the desperation is different. Then I was desperate for social acceptance or romance. Now I just feel desperate for a sustainable and balanced life.
>
> I've come to the conclusion that I just can't go on living this way, with the overwork and the stress. I don't know how to make a better life. Is that the source of the anxiety? I know this has to end, and I don't know what the next phase will look like, or how to get there.
>
> Is it just christmas stress in disguise? Usually that manifests as lethargy and depression, not all this worry.
>Tabitha,
I don't know for how long you have been depressed, don't want to alarm you, just to remind you that depression keeps on changing over time and could show up like a "mild neurosis", or a progressive inability to handle stress no matter what you do and how hard you try (psycho-therapy, self-interrogation and such).
It happened to me years ago and i didn't realize it was depression 'cause i didn't feel depressed, just more apathetic and blunted, kind of feeble and fragile (never felt like that before), and unable to handle stress; i would come home from work at night with racing thoughts about my work and collegues. That's how it started; it took years to develop: it was like a constant, subtle deterioration if you know what i mean.I didn't mean to scare you, just be whatchful
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