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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bookgurl99 on December 17, 2002, at 22:39:08
I've lived in this city for 4 years. In this time, I've made a lot of acquaintances, but I haven't managed to make one real solid friend. This is hard for me to deal with, as in my college town -- before this -- I had a number of solid 'real' friends (you know, the kind you could call in the middle of the night if you had to.).
I've heard that other people have had trouble making close friends here. People will complain that they lived here for a year and didn't make one friend. One girl moved to Chicago, and said it's easier there -- in one of America's largest cities -- than it is here.
Yet, I feel so lonely, I feel like there must be something really wrong with me. I don't think I've changed a lot from the past, yet I've somehow lost my magnetism. I've asked people close to me to be blatantly honest, and the only thing they said is that there's nothing wrong with me; it's the people here. But how can the culture of a whole city function like this?
How do people deal with this? I'm looking into moving back to my smaller area -- which was more conservative and less gay-friendly, but in which I paradoxically fit in more and had more friends.
Has anyone experienced 'dry spells' like this?
*sigh*
bookgurl99
Posted by IsoM on December 18, 2002, at 2:04:42
In reply to No really close friends in my town, posted by bookgurl99 on December 17, 2002, at 22:39:08
I doubt that it's you, bookgurl. It's more likely the prevalent mentality of that town. When I lived on the prairies, most people found me weird (& even told me). I didn't fit in there & while I enjoy being alone, I felt lonely & out of place there. But I didn't want to turn bland & boring like most were. I was told I was weird 'cause I liked science, had unusual taste (for there anyway), & joked a lot. It was considered unfeminine for a woman to joke.
Now that I'm back where I love (on the west coast), the people are far more accepting & variety in people is welcome. After the prairies, I was starting to get seriously paranoid thinking I was some kind of weirdo. But here, I have friends in abundance & I feel cared for & loved again.
Certain parts of the country are far more conservative & narrow-minded than others. A lot depends on how travelled or well read the people who live there are. I find larger cosmpolitan areas are more accepting & welcoming than small socially-secluded places with people who've lived there all their lives.
I've lived in a number of regions of Canada from west coast to major government town to prairies to a French region. Each was very different, & I think an entire city could have a ine-sided culture to it like yours seems to.
Posted by bookgurl99 on December 18, 2002, at 2:23:50
In reply to Re: No really close friends in my town » bookgurl99, posted by IsoM on December 18, 2002, at 2:04:42
IsoM, I didn't know you were Canadian!!
> When I lived on the prairies, most people >found me weird (& even told me).I've experienced this. When I lived in a smaller town, I was frequently described as eccentric.
> I didn't fit in there & while I enjoy being >alone, I felt lonely & out of place there.
>
> Now that I'm back where I love (on the west coast), the people are far more accepting & variety in people is welcome.The strange thing is that I had more friends in a town of 60,000 in a quite conservative part of the state (north central Wisconsi), than I do in Madison, WI (275,000). I can't figure out the difference. Especially considering that here, people tend to agree with me more on political issues. They're just not as friendly.
*sigh* I'd like to try the west coast. My gf and I have talked about trying to immigrate to Vancouver.
But once again, thanks for your insight. I'm glad knowing I'm not the only one who's experienced this.
Posted by ROO on December 18, 2002, at 8:37:35
In reply to Re: No really close friends in my town, posted by bookgurl99 on December 18, 2002, at 2:23:50
I had the same experience living in Vermont. While I love
Vermont b/c it's so beautiful, it was really hard to meet people
there and make friends. Not only b/c of the isolating country environment,
but also the people there just had a certain attitude...Kind of "kept to
themselves"....you had to live there for like 10 years before you would
be accepted as "one of them". It's so much easier for me to make friends where
I live now...I don't know if it's the difference between the warm and cold environments
or what....(I live in the south now)...but people just seem much more open and friendly.
Come live here--in Durham, North Carolina--people are great, there's plenty of culture,
and it's extremely gay friendly. Here, you practically have to feel a little sheepish if
you admit to being straight :-)It's rough not having those "real" friends around...that year I lived
in Vermont...I was so lonely I think it made me more than a little nuts.
You need people you can _really_ talk with, and really laugh with.
Posted by Tabitha on December 18, 2002, at 14:03:11
In reply to Re: No really close friends in my town, posted by ROO on December 18, 2002, at 8:37:35
> You need people you can _really_ talk with, and really laugh with.
So true. I don't have that either. It's so hard to get both in the same place. My last bunch of friends came from 12-step support groups, and while we could certainly share deeply about problems and therapy-type issues, at one point I noticed that none of those friends shared my sense of humor. Not one.Prior to that, many of my friends were people from my profession, and while we had a lot of laughs, I never felt comfortable admitting my psychiatric issues, or even the fact that I was in therapy. That was very limiting.
The last real-life friend I could really talk with AND really laugh with was years ago, and sadly he doesn't want to be friends anymore.
It's lousy not having those special friends.
Posted by IsoM on December 18, 2002, at 15:40:47
In reply to Re: No really close friends in my town, posted by Tabitha on December 18, 2002, at 14:03:11
It's true, isn't it, that we all need someone who shares our sense of humour & can laugh together?!!
Humour is tied in with intelligence, so I think if someone shares our humour, they also share the same type of intelligence & many of the same experiences. Finding something tragic or weird to be humorous is sometimes a coping means for some. It doesn't mean disrespect but I get some very strange looks from some people with my humour.
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