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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lawrence s. on September 30, 2002, at 5:36:28
I married an alcoholic woman. My kids are exposed to her drinking constantly. She gets drunk every other day. She likes to drink and drive with the kids in the car. She functions suprisingly well. No hangover (that I can tell). I have called the Sherriff's Dept several times. When she drove home drunk. (a.)They all saw she was drunk, (3 Deputies). (b.)She addmitted to driving with the kids while drunk. They did'nt arrest her! This has happened several times.
Are women above the law, or is it because she knows a lot of the law enforcement team around here?
The only time that I get her to myself is when she has drunk herself to sleep. She is very difficult to wake up. We seldom have sex. I'm very lonely. I know if I divorce her the court will give her the kids, and they will be in the hands of a drunk perpetually.
I have tried counseling for both of us. It doesn't work.
Posted by Phil on September 30, 2002, at 6:29:19
In reply to Alcoholic wife is making my life miserable., posted by lawrence s. on September 30, 2002, at 5:36:28
I never try to tell someone what to do but...please get to the nearest Al-Anon meeting you can find. You're gonna need help from people that live it.
You need to find a way to get the kids safe. As far as her drinking, it won't stop until she hits bottom. Nothing you can say or do is going to help. Not if she drives drunk with kids in the car.
I would get to AlAnon and get answers, they've been there. Try to save your kids from this crap.
They're being hurt emotionally and could be killed. This is serious and you have to look after YOUR best interest.Phil(Adult Child of an Alcoholic)
Posted by lawrence s. on September 30, 2002, at 9:24:03
In reply to Re: Alcoholic wife is making my life miserable. » lawrence s., posted by Phil on September 30, 2002, at 6:29:19
> I never try to tell someone what to do but...please get to the nearest Al-Anon meeting you can find. You're gonna need help from people that live it.
> You need to find a way to get the kids safe. As far as her drinking, it won't stop until she hits bottom. Nothing you can say or do is going to help. Not if she drives drunk with kids in the car.
> I would get to AlAnon and get answers, they've been there. Try to save your kids from this crap.
> They're being hurt emotionally and could be killed. This is serious and you have to look after YOUR best interest.
>
> Phil(Adult Child of an Alcoholic)Thanks Phil. I appreciate your advice. Sorry you had to go through that when you were a child. I will look up Al-annon. I thought they were just to help a person learn to live/cope with an alcoholic? I did'nt want to live with her anymore. But I will definately go to a meeting.
Posted by Phil on September 30, 2002, at 12:04:12
In reply to Re: Alcoholic wife is making my life miserable., posted by lawrence s. on September 30, 2002, at 9:24:03
They teach you to detach from the alcoholic and realize you are powerless over their drinking. And if need be, they support you when you leave.
Example: One Al-Anon lady used to cover up her passed out on the floor husband before going to meetings. Now, she just steps over him, he's the one that passed out on the floor. No more enabling. Sounds cruel to detach with love but it will keep you from losing your mind.
When you tell your story at AlAnon, you'll get compassion, common sense, a sense of humor, and 80% of the people nodding yes as you speak.
Your wife will probably have to hit bottom hard. She then will have three choices go nuts, die, or recover. That's the cold hard facts on alcoholism.
AlAnon will teach you to take care of yourself and kids without trying to fix your wife.
I pray for you and her that she can find sobriety.
It's a godawful thing to deal with..from both sides.
Posted by shar on September 30, 2002, at 13:14:49
In reply to Re: Alcoholic wife is making my life miserable., posted by Phil on September 30, 2002, at 12:04:12
At AlAnon you will find other people with kids, an excellent source of information for you about how they have handled things (maybe even things like custody, because AlAnon has men there too).
Plus, there always seems to be lots of information on community resources that could help you and your family (kids). That would include info on counseling for them, AA programs for them (if they are old enough), etc.
Even if you get divorced and get custody, you (and your kids) will still be interacting with your alcoholic wife. AlAnon can provide much insight into the dynamics involved, and help you find safe ways to live with that. Your kids, too.
Shar
Posted by SandraDee on September 30, 2002, at 17:48:46
In reply to What Phil said...and..., posted by shar on September 30, 2002, at 13:14:49
But whatever age they are it's way too dangerous for her to be drinking and driving - especially with them! They have Alateen programs for teens of alcoholic parents too, so you might be able to get your kids involved and let them talk about how they feel.
Posted by mair on September 30, 2002, at 21:21:42
In reply to I don't know how old your kids are..., posted by SandraDee on September 30, 2002, at 17:48:46
The fiance of a woman I worked with was killed on his way to pick her up from work. He was drunk and at least one other car had tried to alert the police about his erratic driving before he ever went off the road. This guy was taking care of my friend's 10 year old daughter after school and he tried to get her to go with him to pick up her mom. She refused because she could see that he was drunk. (I'm sure her mother had told her always to do this) When i told my own teenage children about this, they were enormously impressed that this girl had the gumption to tell her mother's fiance that she wasn't going to get into the car with him.
I would be most concerned about your children. If your wife is as serious a drunk as you say, a court isn't going to simply hand her custody. I think you need to do whatever you can to protect your children. Maybe Al-Anon can help you see ways to do this.
Good Luck
Mair
Posted by lawrence s. on September 30, 2002, at 22:25:43
In reply to I don't know how old your kids are..., posted by SandraDee on September 30, 2002, at 17:48:46
> But whatever age they are it's way too dangerous for her to be drinking and driving - especially with them! They have Alateen programs for teens of alcoholic parents too, so you might be able to get your kids involved and let them talk about how they feel.
Thank you for your prayers!
They are ages 5 and 9. Girl and boy.
I don't want to learn to live with an alkie. I just want her to stop. And get out of my life.
I'm disgusted with her bad breath and beer farts. Her sleazy friends and relatives.
I know her driving is dangerous and I've gotten into a thousand arguments with her about it. She always ends up doing what she wants to do.I feel guilty driving off to work and leaving them alone with her. I have tried to prevent her from getting another car. Her last one, I just let fall apart. Mean, are'nt I!
My brother talked me into buying his car. His wife secretly handed my wife a spare set of keys behind my back. Everyone sticks up for her. She goes to her friends and drinks like a fish, and they just let her drive home with the kids in the back.
Why, you must wonder would I have 2 cars. It's because our driveway is a mile long. The kids are too young to walk by themselves in the winter. She picks them up from the schoolbus at the end of the driveway.
My job is 35 miles away. One day while trying to go home, my car would'nt start. I reluctantly called her and asked her to come and get me. She showed up kind of drunk. The guard at the gate told her to pull over and park the car. Then she pulled over to the curb a little too close. The front wheel jumped the curb. The curb crushed the fuel line. Gas was gushing out from underneath the car. I yelled for her to get out. Pulled the kids out. Ran into the factory and got someone to help me push the car out of the way. Luckily the gas stopped flowing after the engine was shut off. I lifted up my kids school backpack and it seemed kind of heavy. I opened it up and there was a opened 12-pack of beer with at least 4 gone. I have come home late at night (I used to work 2nd shift). Stoves are left on. Food laying all over. Cigarettes fallen out of ashtrays. Door left open. I'm affraid to get too attached to my kids for fear that something dreadfull will happen to them. For me, that would be a fate worse than death.
I just seem to be caught in a trap with no way of escape. I often wonder if God is punishing me. Maybe this is hell and I don't even know it. Life seems strange and unreal. Suicide is constantly popping up in my mind. But I'm so affraid of death that I know I would never do it. Could living this way give someone P.T.S.D.?
Sorry for rambling. Time to end this pitty party and go to bed.
Posted by NikkiT2 on October 1, 2002, at 8:54:22
In reply to Re: I don't know how old your kids are..., posted by lawrence s. on September 30, 2002, at 22:25:43
Lawrence,
I don't have any advice as I have luckily had little to do with alcoholics... my brother was one for a while, but I live 300 miles away so wasn't affceted by it.
I just wanted to tell you you ar ein my thoughts. It must be awful having to live like htis, and your phrase about being scared to get too close to your kids really bought tears to my eyes.
You must be a very special man to want to give your kids a safer and better life. never forget you're a good person.
I hope you find some help. I echo the suggestion of al anon... not everyone there will have stuck with their alcoholic partner and I'm sure you could get some great advice there.
I'm sure there must be a Yahoo group or similar that deals with this and you may be able to get more advice there.
Good luck
Nikki
Posted by Alara on October 1, 2002, at 23:21:20
In reply to Alcoholic wife is making my life miserable., posted by lawrence s. on September 30, 2002, at 5:36:28
Lawrence, please sit your wife down WHEN SHE IS SOBER and have a good, honest talk to her about how her drinking is affecting your family life. Although you are hurting, you must let her know that you are on her side. Be firm but not judgemental. Let her know that you care.
If you are no longer able to love your wife (or your wife does not care enough about her family to respond to your request) , then maybe it's time to move on with the kids. I'm not sure about how difficult it will be for you to obtain custody of your children, but this may be an option that you want to consider. Your happiness and the children's safety are at stake!
Lawrence, alcoholics are not bad people, but some of them are so sick that it is difficult to reach them. I am truly, truly sorry if this is the case with your wife. If her illness has progressed to this point, she may to go into detox and rehab so that she can learn to cope with life again without alcohol in her system.
Not everybody has to become a chronic alcoholic or hit bottom in order to recover. I have battled my own problems with alcohol and decided to address these problems before they got too out of hand. If you want to talk, feel free to email me via Dr Bob. (Dr Bob, I hope this is OK! If not, I will set up another email address.) Your wife can get better if she chooses to do so.
Your wife will need some kind of support. If she doesn't like AA, there are other organisations around (such as Smart Recovery) that offer peer support. Alternatively, I can introduce her to a newsgroup community that has helped me immensely. Some of the group's members have been sober for years, while others are still fighting their addictions. The group's moderator is a lovely person who finally quit drinking a few years ago in order to save her marriage and children! It does happen.
Good luck, Lawrence. I know that this is a difficult time for you. :-)
Alara
Posted by lawrence s. on October 1, 2002, at 23:32:43
In reply to Re: I don't know how old your kids are... » lawrence s., posted by NikkiT2 on October 1, 2002, at 8:54:22
> Lawrence,
>
> I don't have any advice as I have luckily had little to do with alcoholics... my brother was one for a while, but I live 300 miles away so wasn't affceted by it.
>
> I just wanted to tell you you ar ein my thoughts. It must be awful having to live like htis, and your phrase about being scared to get too close to your kids really bought tears to my eyes.
>
> You must be a very special man to want to give your kids a safer and better life. never forget you're a good person.
>
> I hope you find some help. I echo the suggestion of al anon... not everyone there will have stuck with their alcoholic partner and I'm sure you could get some great advice there.
>
> I'm sure there must be a Yahoo group or similar that deals with this and you may be able to get more advice there.
>
> Good luck
>
> NikkiThank you all for your thoughts and kind words. I did by the way go to al-anon yesterday for the first time.
I did however let her drive off drunk again with the kids. If I tried to stop her it would have caused a fight (verbal) and my son would have been upset. It seems like she is a funtional drunk, meaning that she can do housework, help the kids with homework and throw a party, drive and not be hung over.
I have called the police numerous times. One time 3 squad cars were parked in my driveway when she pulled up. About 5 uniformed deputies saw her get out of her car with my kids in the backseat. Beer was literally falling out of the car door. empty cans in the car. she stumbled slightly as she approached the uniforms.
They gave her a sobriety test. She passed! She then sat down and talked with them. They were talking and laughing for about fifteen minutes. It turned out that she knew some of them.
As I watched from the house 2 Racine WI co. sherriffs deputies came to my back door, handcuffed me and put me in the back of the squad. Leaving my 2 boys in the house unsupervised, scared out of their minds. My wife was shocked and angry with what she saw. From the squad I saw my wife give the officers some money. They talked and joked 15 minutes more, let me free and left. I asked my wife what was the money for. She said it was another unpaid ticket.
I have no criminal record whatsoever. Except for traffic tickets. You are probably wondering if I'm dillusional, or just plain B.S.ing. Maybe I am because I can't believe it myself. Unfortunately, my 17 year old son witnessed the whole thing and reminds me from time to time.I once belived that the court would not let a dangerous Mom have custody of the kids. Man, was I very, very, wrong. A Mom would have to be guilty of murder to not get custody.
My first marriage was with an undiagnosed bipolar. She tried countless times to cut her wrists in front of me and my son. Of course I stopped her with much wrestling. She tried to kill my son in his bed. I had to pin her down while dialing the phone to call the police. She left my son home alone and would drive off across town (he was about 3). Then call me up and tell me what she did. My first reaction: dibeleif, then all I wanted to do was get to my son. When I found out she really had done it, I had deep feelings of guilt for having impregnating such a monster! I honestly was affraid to call the Milwaukee Police for fear that they would lock me up for marrying such a wacko!
I could go on and on about her countless tirades. Anyway the big shocker is that she was given custody by our court system! I then tried to fight, taking her back to court. We all underwent extensive psychological evaluation. The conclusion: She was violent, unstable, Manipulative, controlling and other undisirable things like personality disorder. I scored better than her except that I seemed deppressed. Who would'nt be? She still ended up with custody!
Yes, it was quite an awakening. Our wonderful Milwaukee court house! She, by the way went on to get her masters degree and is now in a top management position in a nearby hospital dealing with psychiatric and detoxification patients.
Don't count on the legal system!!!!
Posted by lawrence s. on October 1, 2002, at 23:45:23
In reply to Lawrence: Please Read!, posted by Alara on October 1, 2002, at 23:21:20
> Lawrence, please sit your wife down WHEN SHE IS SOBER and have a good, honest talk to her about how her drinking is affecting your family life. Although you are hurting, you must let her know that you are on her side. Be firm but not judgemental. Let her know that you care.
>
> If you are no longer able to love your wife (or your wife does not care enough about her family to respond to your request) , then maybe it's time to move on with the kids. I'm not sure about how difficult it will be for you to obtain custody of your children, but this may be an option that you want to consider. Your happiness and the children's safety are at stake!
>
> Lawrence, alcoholics are not bad people, but some of them are so sick that it is difficult to reach them. I am truly, truly sorry if this is the case with your wife. If her illness has progressed to this point, she may to go into detox and rehab so that she can learn to cope with life again without alcohol in her system.
>
> Not everybody has to become a chronic alcoholic or hit bottom in order to recover. I have battled my own problems with alcohol and decided to address these problems before they got too out of hand. If you want to talk, feel free to email me via Dr Bob. (Dr Bob, I hope this is OK! If not, I will set up another email address.) Your wife can get better if she chooses to do so.
>
> Your wife will need some kind of support. If she doesn't like AA, there are other organisations around (such as Smart Recovery) that offer peer support. Alternatively, I can introduce her to a newsgroup community that has helped me immensely. Some of the group's members have been sober for years, while others are still fighting their addictions. The group's moderator is a lovely person who finally quit drinking a few years ago in order to save her marriage and children! It does happen.
>
> Good luck, Lawrence. I know that this is a difficult time for you. :-)
>
> AlaraThank you Alara. I shall give it another try. Larry.
Posted by NikkiT2 on October 2, 2002, at 7:00:07
In reply to Re: I don't know how old your kids are..., posted by lawrence s. on October 1, 2002, at 23:32:43
How did you get on at al-anon.. did you find any help or understanding???
Nikki xx
Posted by Phil on October 2, 2002, at 12:15:39
In reply to Lawrence: Please Read!, posted by Alara on October 1, 2002, at 23:21:20
Unfortunately, most divorces happen after the alcoholic gets sober. At least no one's drunk.
Posted by lawrence s. on October 2, 2002, at 21:37:47
In reply to Re: I don't know how old your kids are... » lawrence s., posted by NikkiT2 on October 2, 2002, at 7:00:07
Nikki, I think al-anon was great. The people there were very understanding, Compassionate. However, the emphasis on learning to accept the things that you can't cahnge kind of bothered me.
My wife party's all day long with her friends. When I get her to myself she is all used up. All she has left is a semi-concious snoring blob playing for me a snoring symphony. I've already accepted this. She will never change.
I want to have a woman that turns me on, and I her. Right now I have the opposite. It's kind of like living with a mentally challenged woman. No, maybe worse. I can see that marrying her was a big mistake and now it's time to rectify that mistake.
Thanks for caring.
lawrence.
Posted by Gracie2 on October 4, 2002, at 2:57:31
In reply to Re: I don't know how old your kids are..., posted by lawrence s. on October 2, 2002, at 21:37:47
My God, how awful for you, how terrible for your children.As miserable as you are, your first responsibility is your children. Even though your wife is a "functioning" alcoholic, able to hold down a job despite her drinking, she isn't a responsible adult while she's drunk. She has no business driving in that condition, much less with your kids in the car. Of course you know that, but as long as you allow her to get away with it, you're not really considering what could happen. Not really.
Awhile back, I was working the graveyard shift at a semi-rural hospital in Illinois. Not a busy place, lots of back roads, some farm accidents. They called me in X-Ray to let me know that some critical patients had arrived after a motor vehicle accident. I ran to the ER, but I couldn't see the patients for the all the ER staff that had swarmed around the stretchers. I turned around and asked one of the ambulance paramedics what had happened - he was leaning over,hanging onto a cabinet, coughing and gagging. This was an experienced paramedic.
Later on I learned the whole story. The family -
husband, wife, kids, and a cousin - had been on a float trip, the adults drinking all day. The father, who was driving, pulled out onto the highway right in front of a huge truck hauling a load of gravel at 60 mph. The father lived, and he has to live with that. The paramedics had to pick up the pieces of the mother and the cousin and put them in buckets. The kids were transported to our hospital, but they didn't look like kids anymore. They looked like piles of ground hamburger. The little boy, who was about 4,
had a large section ripped from his lower abdominal area - his genitals were gone. He died
before medivac could transport him to a better-equipped hospital. The little girl survived - at least initially - despite the most horrible injuries imaginable.You cannot expose your own children to this kind of risk. You can't continue to hope and pray that
your children will arrive safely when your wife is driving. You can't stop her drinking, but you can try to minimize the damage that she's doing to your kids.
-Gracie
Posted by utopizen on October 4, 2002, at 9:44:30
In reply to Drunk wife, posted by Gracie2 on October 4, 2002, at 2:57:31
Tell the city you live in, tell them to take her away.
Your kids are more important than your marriage.
Posted by utopizen on October 4, 2002, at 12:19:13
In reply to Re: I don't know how old your kids are..., posted by mair on September 30, 2002, at 21:21:42
Talk to the D.A.'s office, a lawyer, anyone you can find.
The Sherrifs may be easy to contact and know how to file papers if they have the desire to, but they don't monopolize the government.
Talk to the district court, make an appointment with the D.A.'s office. They exist to serve you, and the Sherrif's office can't stop you from going there.
Also, I strongly urge you to contact Social Services. They have counselers who can counsel the kids no matter what happens. And they have experience in these cases. They can go in and observe what your kids say about you and will help you in convincing the judge you're the one who's looking out for your kids. But do it soon- otherwise you ARE negligent in a court of law, even if you can point to the Sherrif's negligence. That's just how negligence works.
And if you're religious, see your clergy. They may be the most approachable people for you at this time, because they take the burden off of having to make a case for yourself.
But use your resources wisely- and it looks like you are moving in that direction. If one department isn't responsive, go to another. Get on the phone with social services, they'll counsel you on what to do. Get to a meeting with AA, they'll let you know how to cope and who to speak to, and probably invaluable pointers on what to do to make your case.
People are out there to help you, and you seem wise enough at this point to use these people are resources.
And after this is all said and done, do whatever you can to ensure long-term treatment for your kids -and- you. And let them know when they see the 7th grade movie in health class showing an alcoholic family they're not defined by that.
You're not what textbooks call "the classic enabler." You know what to do, and you mustn't lose your drive.
Posted by Alara on October 4, 2002, at 21:18:34
In reply to More advice..., posted by utopizen on October 4, 2002, at 12:19:13
>I completely agree with the advice here. Driving drunk is stupid enough. But doing this with children in the car is downright dangerous!
Larry, please put your mind at ease by taking the kids away to a place where they are safe.
Posted by lawrence s. on October 5, 2002, at 20:09:44
In reply to Re: More advice..., posted by Alara on October 4, 2002, at 21:18:34
Thank all of you for your much needed advise. I hope I did'nt bum everyone out with my tale of woe. Here is another problem. She can stop drinking for a while, like a week or so, but I guarantee she will be back at it in a short time. I did take the kids out of town one time and called my wife and told her that we were'nt coming back until she stopped the drinking. We were gone for a few days. I'm such a sucker!
Another problem I have is the stigma of mental illness. My first wife took advantage of that in the custody battle. All I have is deppression. I've never done anything crazy, no abuse, no suiside attempts. I just have social anxiety, anhedonia, poor concentration, and low self esteem. But when the judge finds out that you are on medication, It's like you have a black cloud over your head.
I Found a new therapist. I saw him a few days ago He seems very good. He told me before I start any legal action that I should have legal documentation of her alcoholism. He suggested that I kill 2 birds with one stone: My son may have ADD. My therapist recomended that I speak with his 3rd grade teacher and see if we can have him tested. Part of the testing will be psychological eval. My wifes alcoholism will probably be found out and documented somehow through the eval. Then I should start legal action. Plus my son would be diagnosed properly, (he also could be dislexic) and get him on the proper direction for his learning needs.
Larry
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