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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ensoul on July 31, 2002, at 18:40:23
my daughters are grown, ages 20 and 25...I have grandson that is almost 3 yrs old
he loves me, but if I disappeared from his life Julius would soon forget me
I'm poor, on SSI because of the depression, get Worker's Compensation too...50% disabled and I get the large sum of $50 a week
fucked up going to college went back when I was 30, depression made it so I couldn't finish, owe big in student loans...cant go back
caretake for my Mom, who had a benign brain tumor, the tumor, treatments for it, and her medications have caused multiple problems...she is rude, demanding, and extremely callous
she wants what she wants and she wants it now
"not bad" to qualify for any assistancecombine the with my sign. other having cancer, just diagnosed a few months ago, we have travel 140 miles for trmnt (round trip
in the last two yrs I was divorced, my grandmother died, my youngest daughter moved out along with grandson who lived with me since the day he born
my 2 closet friend died and I was thrown back into poverty..been hops twice for depression and my Mother has warned if I go back in she will stop helping me she pays my car insurance and for AOL
my T is 45 miles awayday and night I think of it
sleep doesn't even bring release..then the nightmares commence or much worse the night terrorsmy body is telling me something, it wants out
my mind tells me the same
they both concurensoul
What difference do it make if the thing you scared of is real or not?
(from Song of Solomon) ~Tony Morrison
Posted by shar on August 1, 2002, at 0:52:38
In reply to Failure that I am, posted by ensoul on July 31, 2002, at 18:40:23
Man, you are in a hard, hard situation. Especially with the past trauma (losing friends, grandmother, grandson) adding on top of everything. I am very, very impressed with how strong you are, and truly sympathize with you. I do not know how you manage to deal with so many major stressors.
I know you may not feel very strong (maybe more like you are hanging on by your fingertips or holding on that last inch of rope), but you ought to see it from my perspective. You have some kind of core, or spark, or will, or something that enables you to carry on in the midst of all the pain and loss and debilitating depression. Wow. What is that?
I admire your guts. This is ironic, but you are one of the few people I can look at as a role model, because I can SEE how hard your life is, and you are still moving forward. I want to be able to do that. I want some of whatever that is.
I know that my thoughts are probably always going to be desolate, and my life will feel empty, and I want to not do myself in unless it is the worst of the worst. So, I don't expect cheery fun, but I do want to know how to go on. You have it so much harder than I do, what is it that keeps you moving ahead?
Shar
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 1, 2002, at 2:11:39
In reply to Failure that I am, posted by ensoul on July 31, 2002, at 18:40:23
You're not a failure. Sometimes life just sucks and you have to put one foot in front of the other. Eventually the wheel turns and things improve. I've had intense trauma in my life as well and at times have thought I simply could not go on. Like you, no escape at night either, when I managed to fitfully drift off. About a month ago I had an epiphany. I was about to take my thyroid med and remembered how so many times I fretted about 'what if we had a major war or a catastrophe and I could no longer get my thyroid, well, I would die a slow feeble death, that's what, oh god...' I was feeling pretty good and just chuckled at that thought. I thought, 'well if that catastrophe happened, why, I would just do whatever I had to and I would sure enough acquire some thyroid because I'm very resourceful and can depend upon my strengths to survive no matter what.' At that moment, I saw how my thinking about a situation changed depending on my state of psychic energy and by God I WOULD find a way to get through anything. This may seem like a no brainer and self evident, but I can guarantee that the suffering you're experiencing is due to fear about the future. In the moment, you can handle it, whatever it is.
A book that has helped me alot is "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. I hope you read it. You've done this before and made it through relatively intact. Life will unfold as it will, you are in the hands of the Divine, you are an integral part of the web of life, it will get better. - Barbara
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