![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jay on July 24, 2002, at 0:25:58
Uggghh..this is so frustrating! Other guys do the most aggressive of things...like hit on married women...act like arrogant wankers. AND..as usual..the shy, quiet guys like MOI get passed over. What is this..like at the fruit stand..we are supposed to be aggressive and 'grab' what we want? Why do guys have to put on the macho show? Why do guys always have to 'woo' the gals and all that? Why can't a women send me roses..and buy me drinks...and grab my butt?? Uggghhh..it's frustrating as hell!<hmphh>(A very worn out) Jay
Posted by alii on July 24, 2002, at 0:30:10
In reply to Why don't women make the first move??, posted by jay on July 24, 2002, at 0:25:58
::grabs yer ass::
how was that? cheeky of me but c'mon what else was I to do? ;)
playfully,
alii
Posted by tabitha on July 24, 2002, at 0:57:40
In reply to Why don't women make the first move??, posted by jay on July 24, 2002, at 0:25:58
Posted by bookgurl99 on July 24, 2002, at 1:01:41
In reply to Why don't women make the first move??, posted by jay on July 24, 2002, at 0:25:58
Jay,
I'm a woman who dates women, so I understand what it's like to try to meet one. I'd say you have to suck it up and keep trying.
Something that I've noticed shy and short-of-confidence people do is assume that no one they're attracted to could be attracted to them. So a nice girl at works invites you to the movies or something, and you assume she doesn't care. You turn her down 'cause you made plans with your best (male) friend that night and figure you can always hang with her again. She sees it as major rejection and never asks you out again. You spend the rest of your working relationship making polite talk about the weather in the breakroom.
So one thing to do, is keep your feelers out. Don't assume that every woman who looks at you wants you, but give the idea some consideration.
Y'know, you don't need to be a macho jerk -- lots of women like shy men. My family is peopled with talkative women married to shy men. I tend to date shy women; my gf fell in love with me in part because of my gabbiness, but she's terrified of parties.
Good luck out there,
bookgurl99
Posted by Susang on July 24, 2002, at 5:41:37
In reply to Why don't women make the first move??, posted by jay on July 24, 2002, at 0:25:58
Jay, I have always liked shy guys. The hard part, of course, is connecting with them! You can't be super shy and you must make eye contact but I think there are a lot of women out there looking for a nice introverted guy. That macho stuff gets old pretty fast anyway. These days a lot of women DO make the first move but they will sometimes wait of a sign that you might be receptive. I'm sure you know all the ways...the aforementioned eye contact, the sweet smile (no leering), a comment....anything to open up the possibility of contact. Are you around potential women friends very often or do you hide at home or at a male-centered activity? If the latter is true, get out there! And I don't mean bars necessarily; I'm sure you can think of lots of places nice women congregate. If you bring your sweet shy self there and pass out some charming smiles, I think you may find great success.
I'm sure some of the younger women here have some insights they could share. It's been a long time since I was out there and maybe I have it all wrong.....I hope not!
Good luck
Posted by ctrlaltndel on July 24, 2002, at 5:48:17
In reply to Why don't women make the first move??, posted by jay on July 24, 2002, at 0:25:58
Posted by Roo on July 24, 2002, at 8:29:34
In reply to Re: Why don't women make the first move??, posted by bookgurl99 on July 24, 2002, at 1:01:41
Jay--it's such an iffy situation...I've heard guys
complain and being turned off by women who make the
first move...(but I have to admit whenever I hear guys
say something like that, I assume they must have some
sort of "issues" and that they aren't somebody I'd want
to go out with). I've asked out guys before, but I've always
kind of disquised it as just a friendly outing, which I guess
is what it really should be. I don't usually say "hey baby
do you want to go out to dinner" which sounds very datey...but
I'll say something like "we should hang out sometime...maybe go
take the dogs hiking or something" if we're both talking about
how we like to hike...
I think there are women out there who ask out guys. But if you find
a woman you're interested in...just bust a move...even listen to that
song to get you psyched up for it :-)
Posted by SandraDee on July 24, 2002, at 10:13:18
In reply to Why don't women make the first move??, posted by jay on July 24, 2002, at 0:25:58
Posted by mist on July 24, 2002, at 14:02:16
In reply to Why don't women make the first move??, posted by jay on July 24, 2002, at 0:25:58
Jay,
David Burns (of Feeling Good fame) wrote a book called Intimate Connections that addresses some of the issues you're concerned with. He started out in a situation similar to yours and apparently made himself irresistably attractive to women :) using CBT techniques. It's interesting and worth reading although how applicable to you only you can tell of course.
Posted by jay on July 26, 2002, at 1:42:17
In reply to Why don't women make the first move??, posted by jay on July 24, 2002, at 0:25:58
Well..never mind my silly title. Thank you *all* for your kind support. See...all sorts of gals are kind enough to lend an ear..and I *can't* even get back to them asap! I know..here I go with "wooohh iz me...". Maybe I should phone up that Burns guy..or maybe I should stop pretending I am Marlow in "Heart of Darkness". I am *so* passive...I ASK women if they want a kiss, before the 'first' kiss..like I am such a wimp..I can't even follow instinct.Is it like, I am one of those 'submissive' males..who needs a woman with whips and chains...oh gawd help me...maybe need to just up my Zyprexa and forget about this stuff. I've never been good at wimin stuff.
Cowabunga..
Jay
Posted by SandraDee on July 26, 2002, at 9:54:05
In reply to Tounge tied..(I wish.heh..woops..sorry 'bout dat!), posted by jay on July 26, 2002, at 1:42:17
I married a guy that was like that. Everyone thought him to be so spineless, when I met him at age 19. (I don't know how old you are.) When/If you get with a steady woman, that part of you will probably change a little (if not a lot). When you are in a relationship lots of things change. I think you'll be a little more assertive and gain loads of confidence that you never knew you had. :) I also had to change roles a bit and become more submissive (not a role that I'm that good at - not that I'm a true and vivid dominatrix or anything hahahaha). Oh well, so much for my rambling. Good luck Jay.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.