![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Gabbi on July 11, 2002, at 14:27:06
When I used to live in the city I could walk out the door, and there was always stuff to do. Now that I'm isolated in the "burbs" with no money, If I have a day where I'm actually feeling good I have no Idea what to do with it. Its like "hey I'm fine today where's the floorshow!" Does this happen to anyone else, what do you do besides take the shower that you've been putting off for the last week?
Posted by tina on July 11, 2002, at 14:29:37
In reply to Catch 22, posted by Gabbi on July 11, 2002, at 14:27:06
Now there's a question I'D love the answer to too!
On my days when I feel ok, I end up wasting it because there's absolutely nothing to do.
Posted by Gabbi on July 11, 2002, at 14:42:37
In reply to Re: Catch 22, posted by tina on July 11, 2002, at 14:29:37
Well at least I know I'm not alone.... I end up wasting it too, I'm afraid to make any major commitments like see someone the next day or apply for a job, because I know I can just crash overnight. And how am I going to catch up with friends I haven't spoken too in 5 years. They've all gotten married, or moved, or got their PHD's and all I have to say is "well I think this new medication might be helping"
The only people who actually phone me are Dr's and social workers reminding me of appointments. Ahh the irony of chronic depression, eventually it makes your life as isolated and miserable as originally you only Felt it was because you were depressed.
Posted by tina on July 11, 2002, at 15:48:01
In reply to Re: Catch 22, posted by Gabbi on July 11, 2002, at 14:42:37
> Well at least I know I'm not alone.... I end up wasting it too, I'm afraid to make any major commitments like see someone the next day or apply for a job, because I know I can just crash overnight. And how am I going to catch up with friends I haven't spoken too in 5 years. They've all gotten married, or moved, or got their PHD's and all I have to say is "well I think this new medication might be helping"
~~~that about sums up my life for the past 12 years Gabbi. The only friends I have are on the net. Other 'sufferers.'
If you find something interesting to do with your time, share it ok? I hope it gets better for you. I hope you have more ok days and start stringing them together so you eventually have ONLY good days.
wouldn't it be wonderful not to have to plan our lives around our illnesses?
Posted by Gabbi on July 11, 2002, at 16:32:53
In reply to Re: Catch 22, posted by tina on July 11, 2002, at 15:48:01
Hey Tina,
I got goosebumps from reading your letter thank-you for such a kind response, although I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it sure helps to have someone to talk too, although the fact that they get it means they are suffering too. If I do get any brilliant ideas I will be sure and let you know. Until then take care of yourself, and read the book "The noonday demon" if I start talking about it I won't quit. Suffice to say I've read all the books on depression and though this one is not a "self help" book its the only thing that brings me comfort when I'm at my the bottom of my pit. I heard about it on C.B.C. and all the interviewer could say was "one hell of a book" and thats about it. I carry it around like a Teddy Bear.Gabbi
Posted by Gabbi on July 11, 2002, at 16:54:38
In reply to Re: Catch 22 » tina, posted by Gabbi on July 11, 2002, at 16:32:53
I you haven't discovered this on your own, (you probably have) you can download the first chapter of "noonday demon" for free at depressionbookstore.com If I could I would buy a copy for every person who ever suffered or new someone who suffers from depression.
When I had my first breakdown G.A.D. with depression I was literally afraid of the bathtub... Years later I realize it was probably because having a hot bath could no longer give me comfort, so the anxiety made me afraid of it. However, the Author of Noonday demon completely won me over when he said
"once you've had depression you are never the same, its humbling to know that there is no self that will not crumble, I know I was once afraid of a lambchop and its a very humbling experience"Love Gabbi
Posted by Gracie2 on July 11, 2002, at 17:56:12
In reply to P.S tina, posted by Gabbi on July 11, 2002, at 16:54:38
I know this isn't for everyone, but maybe it could give you an idea. The best thing about it is that it requires me to leave the house...first to find the books at the Salvation Army or the Goodwill, and then to mail the books that I sell.
Then once I'm dressed and out of the house, I often think of other things to do, like cooking myself at the fake-bake or going to the bookstore
(ironically, I live in the city and have to drive out to the suburbs to go to Barnes & Noble or Borders). Incidentally, I've made about $800 in the last two months by selling books, so this little hobby does more than just give me something to do.I also know of someone who buys Baby Gap clothes at a retail outlet near her house, and then she sells them for quite a bit of money on E-bay. Maybe you could find something that interests you and start buying and selling. Although this isn't everyone's defination of entertainment, it's good for your spirit to stay busy at something you're really interested in.
Just an idea...
Gracie
Posted by Gabbi on July 11, 2002, at 18:00:56
In reply to I sell books on the internet, posted by Gracie2 on July 11, 2002, at 17:56:12
Hey, I never would have thought of that, and it would help with the money situation too. Thanks
At first I thought well thats not really ethical buying stuff that poor people could buy, and then selling it for higher prices... then I realized I AM the poor.
Posted by tina on July 11, 2002, at 21:30:43
In reply to P.S tina, posted by Gabbi on July 11, 2002, at 16:54:38
I went to depressionbookstore.com but the book isnt'listed anywhere and when I clicked on books I was sent to Amazon. COuldn't download anything from there. So, I went to noondaydemon.com and it said I could download the chapter from there but the link won't work either.
I'll see if I can find it in the library. It sounds intriguing.
When my problems first started I was in highschool. Sitting in a classroom and I all of a sudden had to leave. I ran out the front doors of the school and just kept running til I got tired. I had so much trouble getting up the nerve to go back into the school to pick up my stuff. It took a couple of weeks but I eventually dropped out. I just couldn't go back. Then the panic started coming no matter where i was. At home in my own bed, in the street, everywhere. I hadn't realized I was depressed as well because the panic was so constant but I stopped going out, I slept all the time and I was a total bitch to everyone and everything around me. I lived in an apartment at the time and I went up to the roof everyday and sat on the ledge for hours just staring down at the parking lot. I eventually sought medical help and was given medication that worked somewhat for a while and just when i thought I might get my life back, the medication stopped working. Nothing has worked since.I've tried lots of medications and have been through 5 psychiatrists. In the beginning, it was the anxiety that was worst but for a couple of years now, it's been the depression more. I have wanted to die for a long time. Daily, for years. I don't have the courage to take my own life, I'm a coward. I just keep hoping that some accident will happen or I'll become ill and die. I just want this life OVER. I've had enough, you know? I can't fight anymore.
Sorry, didn't mean to go on like that.
Just know I understand how you feel. Being afraid of everything is pretty normal for me.
take care Gabbi
tina
Posted by Gabbi on July 11, 2002, at 22:51:12
In reply to Re: P.S tina » Gabbi, posted by tina on July 11, 2002, at 21:30:43
the excerpt from the book is www.bookbrowse.com
I should have double checked, And puleeeeze don't apologize for going on. I called myself Gabbi because I always think I'm going on too long, when you meet someone with similar symptoms its just such an incredible relief.... especially when its not in a hospital, or some other depressing place. I'll write more but I'm staying with my Dad, and he needs the computer.
Please don't give up on that excerpt I'm now more sure than ever that you will appreciate it.
Posted by Gabbi on July 12, 2002, at 1:29:56
In reply to Re: P.S tina » Gabbi, posted by tina on July 11, 2002, at 21:30:43
Me too... The one time I tried to overdose, it was when I was flopping on yet another couch,at age 30. With friends who were kind enough to have me, and the thought of my future terrified me. I'm sure it does most people, but when you have a "disorder" its a matter of degree. And if thats been the most prevalent feeling in your life its all you can see in the future, except with less hope, time passing and seeing nothing "tangible" has changed because you've just been getting through the minutes.
Back to my original sentence, after I'd taken 5months worth of 3 different medications, I thought "oh my god, what a horrible thing for my friends to find when they get home, especially because they have a 10yr old daughter.
I went to the hospital, and when the nurses tried to get me to drink the charcoal I soooo didn't want to, I was just starting to fade.I fought it off feebly then I thought
"God these poor over worked nurses the last thing they need is another difficult patient at 3Am.
So here I am basically because I'm polite! I still dread opening my eyes in the morning, always wish something would just take me out without me knowing it.
The Doctors the meds the constant questioning of oneself, am I just lazy? or if you feel good, ummm...what did I eat drink or take or stop drinking or eating or taking in the last week that made me feel good today. But the longer it goes on the more I mourn even the beautiful moments because I know they will vanish to the miraculous place from which they came, or the brain that could actually feel love or beauty or pleasure today, is not going to let me for the next....how long will it be? Its like rusting away.According to the book I always talk about, with an anxiety depression test done on gorillas (which I think is unethical but..) any way if they are made to be anxious for repeated periods of time, the level of cortisol is permanently altered in the brain, to the point where they will be just as anxious about not being handed a bananna although there is a basket of bannanas they can help themselves to) as anxious as they would be if in fear for their lives and inevitably develop depression.
Theoretically thats why when you have untreated anxiety disorder it eventually becomes clinical depression or vice versa chronic trauma changes the brain chemistry as well.
It also explains why (I don't mean to speak for you, but its true for me) I can be debilitated by depression (its always present but I can manage it if I don't do anything radical like sneeze.(joke) But one teeny thing can turn it into a complete breakdown. I suppose thats why people sometimes think it looks like manipulation.
I'm terrified to date, because once I was not called back buy a guy who actually believed -GET This- that the Royal family are actually lizard shapeshifters. Nope, didn't meet him at the hospital, he has a good job, a nice apartment, and *I'M* the one on medication. The simple fact that this guy didn't call me -this guy who believed in shapeshifting lizard people, who I wasn't even interested in, didn't call me, was enough to put out of commission for a Month. God help me If I fell in love.I'm tired of fighting I need a reason to fight... I'm tired of watching people laugh and go for coffee like its nothing! oh I better not get into that...
I do understand
And after this letter YOU certainly don't have to feel self-conscious about going on.
Please take care because you know hard as it is on people who are sensitive and willing to reach we need as many People like you as can keep fighting. If you can't do it for you do it for me. I like you already and I'm not even used to these message board things.
Posted by hrtlm on July 12, 2002, at 3:16:28
In reply to P.S tina, posted by Gabbi on July 11, 2002, at 16:54:38
can you please tell me where specifically (what section or maybe a direct link) to download the first chapter of noonday demon - somethings wrong with my brain right now and i cant make heads or tails of that website
thx so much - i hate feeling stupid
> I you haven't discovered this on your own, (you probably have) you can download the first chapter of "noonday demon" for free at depressionbookstore.com If I could I would buy a copy for every person who ever suffered or new someone who suffers from depression.
>
> When I had my first breakdown G.A.D. with depression I was literally afraid of the bathtub... Years later I realize it was probably because having a hot bath could no longer give me comfort, so the anxiety made me afraid of it. However, the Author of Noonday demon completely won me over when he said
> "once you've had depression you are never the same, its humbling to know that there is no self that will not crumble, I know I was once afraid of a lambchop and its a very humbling experience"
>
> Love Gabbi
Posted by hrtlm on July 12, 2002, at 3:22:43
In reply to cant find where to download - help? » Gabbi, posted by hrtlm on July 12, 2002, at 3:16:28
hadnt read the whole thread before i asked
> can you please tell me where specifically (what section or maybe a direct link) to download the first chapter of noonday demon - somethings wrong with my brain right now and i cant make heads or tails of that website
>
> thx so much - i hate feeling stupid
>
> > I you haven't discovered this on your own, (you probably have) you can download the first chapter of "noonday demon" for free at depressionbookstore.com If I could I would buy a copy for every person who ever suffered or new someone who suffers from depression.
> >
> > When I had my first breakdown G.A.D. with depression I was literally afraid of the bathtub... Years later I realize it was probably because having a hot bath could no longer give me comfort, so the anxiety made me afraid of it. However, the Author of Noonday demon completely won me over when he said
> > "once you've had depression you are never the same, its humbling to know that there is no self that will not crumble, I know I was once afraid of a lambchop and its a very humbling experience"
> >
> > Love Gabbi
Posted by Fi on July 12, 2002, at 7:48:47
In reply to Catch 22, posted by Gabbi on July 11, 2002, at 14:27:06
It is harder with nothing on the doorstep.
It also depends what you are looking for- distraction? entertainment? something 'worthwhile'?
If *doing* something is important, the sort of things I have done are gardening and going for walks (have to be pretty desperate to do the latter as nowhere nice to walk..) Housework is worthwhile but no fun. TV, books, music, good friends are entertaining.
Depending where you are and what you can cope with, can you travel into a town/city and do whatever you used to there?
But it isnt an easy one- there are all sorts of reasons why we find it difficult to do things (eg low energy, poor concentration), or find things we want to do. And the days can seem so very long...
Fi
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.