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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on June 14, 2002, at 9:53:03
I feel the wave of self hatred wash over me again. It's torn from whatever moorings it once had and now exists on its own, squeezing my chest until I can hardly breathe. Horrible images and urges fill my mind.
Why does this part of me feel such violent rage towards me?
I struggle to keep hold of my "observing ego". To realize that these feelings will come and go. To stand firm against the tide.
And I wonder, almost idly, where the feelings come from and why.
Posted by kid_A on June 14, 2002, at 10:45:46
In reply to Crushing self hatred, posted by Dinah on June 14, 2002, at 9:53:03
Dinah,
I understand self-hatred, its something I've dealt w/ most of my life... From gradeschool onwards...You're right, it does come and go... and sometimes, I mean, perhaps even commonly, people experience self-hatred just for being depressed in the first place...
I don't know when life gets better, I'm asuming that everyone is different so what makes one person feel better, happier, may not work for someone else...
Hey, at least if you stick around here you will be in good company... Keep posting, stick around, keep on being Dinah... Never feel bad for what you think or a difference of opinion, thats what makes you who you are...
Hoping the clouds lift, if only briefly...
_kid
Posted by Dinah on June 14, 2002, at 12:08:47
In reply to Re: Crushing self hatred » Dinah, posted by kid_A on June 14, 2002, at 10:45:46
Posted by mair on June 14, 2002, at 12:36:50
In reply to Crushing self hatred, posted by Dinah on June 14, 2002, at 9:53:03
Dinah
I just e-mailed you and would have addressed this there had I seen it first.
My own periodic feelings of self-hatred occur when I'm most depressed, and I'm coming around to feeling that alot of my depression is anger directed inward. You've been through alot lately and there's got to be some anger there whether you acknowledge it or not. So many women seem to have difficulty feeling comfortable with anger or knowing what to do with it. Maybe this is a little of what you're going through now.
These feelings do pass, and it's not fair for you to see so little of the good that others see in you.
Mair
Posted by IsoM on June 14, 2002, at 12:42:35
In reply to Crushing self hatred, posted by Dinah on June 14, 2002, at 9:53:03
Dear Dinah, in case you miss my post on PB Admin, here it is:
Dinah - my question was directed entirely to Dr. Bob & that's all I was curious about - intuition. You see I wondered if psychiatrists (though not all, of course) operate on their intuition along with their formal training. It wasn't meant as criticism of Dr. Bob's methods - the question was meant to be taken at face value & nothing more. I figured if I asked a psychiatrist (rather than any patients), I'd get an honest answer to a direct question.
Dear Dinah, I do understand you & I think I read you very well. No, sweetie, you're not one of those 'disruptive' posters. AND I'm not at all insulted or hurt if you possibly thought I was referring to you. In fact, I wasn't referring to any one really. All I meant was that some people have difficulty 'reading' others whether face-to-face or through written communication.
I've always excelled at English courses but when I took a course in business-related communication, I was surprised but how easily messages can be misconstrued through the written media in the work environment & we were taught how to deal with it. I believe the same is true with this board with so many posters coming from such varied backgrounds & never getting a chance to meet each other face-to-face like one can at work.
So, sweetie, my previous post wasn't meant for ANY ONE, & certainly not you or dear krazy kat. It was meant simply as a observation that certain posters have unfortunately clashed in the past by misinterpreting one another & then it's escalated from there. Without the conflict happening, the boards seem more productive.
And Dinah, don't apologise - it's not needed by me. Remember, I have a son who can't help that he misinterprets things at times & I thoroughly do understand how difficult it is for some not to be able to read others. While I bemoan my horrible time-management/organisational concepts, I'm so grateful my ability to read people excells. We're all 'blind' in some area or another, but excell in others.
Posted by Dinah on June 14, 2002, at 14:38:19
In reply to Re: Crushing self hatred » Dinah, posted by IsoM on June 14, 2002, at 12:42:35
I wonder if they are both OCD related thoughts in me. Just a different obsession.
Both are curiously unrelated to external events, although both affect how I interpret external events.
Both involve urges, or compulsions.
Both involve huge amounts of energy, one anxiety and fear, one anger and rage.
It's an exciting thought. I handle the OCD fears pretty well. If I can learn to think of the self-hatred the same way, I might be able to learn to deal with it better.
I'll have to check with my pdoc to see if it's possible.
Posted by kid_A on June 14, 2002, at 15:35:26
In reply to I did something wrong vs. I am something wrong, posted by Dinah on June 14, 2002, at 14:38:19
Maybe both thoughts are groundless... Well at least the latter statement is definitely so...Doing something wrong doesnt mean saying the 'wrong' thing whatever that is... I have a hard time believing that anything you might do could be considered 'wrong'...
Unless you are pushing children and old people down stairwells or robbing change from homeless people's cups while they aren't looking...
You're not doing -that- are you??? :)
It's time for you to take the weight off your shoulders and relax... You're not bad, and you're no evildoer... It might be hard at first to get away from what you are feeling but I hope for your sake you do... You deserve the happiness...
_kid
Posted by Cecilia on June 15, 2002, at 2:03:56
In reply to Crushing self hatred, posted by Dinah on June 14, 2002, at 9:53:03
I think the "I am something wrong" feeling (shame) stems from experiences in early childhood. I don`t think people have to be horribly abused for this to happen, though it helps. A lot of abuse is subtle. For me, that`s what depression is, an overwhelming feeling of self-loathing and a trapped, terrified feeling that something terrible is about to happen to me because I deserve it. I wish I could think of depression as solely a biological illness, but most of the time I see it as my own fault Cecilia
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