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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Penny on May 31, 2002, at 9:34:51
Okay...so it's not as though I don't have things to do, but I'm am not motivated in the least. Could barely drag myself out of bed this morning (after taking something for sleep last night) and rolled into work 2 hours late. I HAVE to find a new job (mine ends June 27), but I have no energy. I know it's largely depression-related, plus the fact that my position at work has been eliminated so it's that much harder to give a damn, but how can I motivate myself? Everyday I spend like this sends me one step closer to calling it quits all the way around. It's like I'm digging my own grave.
Thanks for any advice.
Penny
Posted by fiona on May 31, 2002, at 9:59:23
In reply to No motivation...to do anything!, posted by Penny on May 31, 2002, at 9:34:51
Hi Penny,
I know how you feel. I am sort of in the same boat at the moment. My sick line runs out on tuesday and have told work I am going back. The problem is I don't want to go back. 1: I still don't feel well enough and 2: I hate my job. I need to find a new one but have huge problems motivating myself to look for one. On top of this I really need to find one by the end of the month, as my sick pay runs out then and I won't be able to afford to pay my rent.
My friends are very sympathetic and have given me some advice, but my problem is that I seem unable to make choices at the moment. (someone must have stolen that part of my brain). I have the choice to either go back to work and be financially stable again; find a new one and be financially stable again; or do neither and have to admit that I can't support myself and move back in with my parents. Aaaaaarrrgh! Not good choices are they? I also am applying for university this year, but can't seem to motivate myself to get the form filled in and the deadline is June 30th.
Sorry Penny, I am rambling on here and it isn't any help to you. All I can say is take one thing at a time and set yourself small goals to achieve. This gives you more pride when you achieve them and makes you more motivated. This is the advice my friend gave me and it does kinda work. I set myself the goal of telephoning 5 companies in one day and doing nothing else that day. I did it and I felt a bit better. Now that the application forms have come through I am setting myself the goal of filling in one per day. Hopefully this will help?Take care
Fiona
Posted by mair on May 31, 2002, at 15:35:31
In reply to No motivation...to do anything!, posted by Penny on May 31, 2002, at 9:34:51
I wonder if this has something to do with the fact that both of you need to find jobs. Sometimes when I have something looming that I'm dreading, I totally withdraw and get nothing done - of course that puts me more behind and makes whatever it is that I'm dreading all that bigger a deal. (which of course makes me want to avoid it even more)
Penny - I know you get incredibly discouraged. At times, I get so overwelmed by suicidal thinking that I just can't imagine ever thinking any more positively. Sometimes suicide seems alluring just so I no longer have to think about it as frequently and obsessively as I do. As you've pointed out, you do have some things going for you, including a pretty supportive therapist and pdoc. I think in really down times, maybe you just have to trust their judgment about your ability to get better. It doesn't always help, but I do try to remember that my most suicidal thoughts are distortions so no matter how crystally clear I think I'm thinking, maybe things are more complicated than they seem. My therapist also tried to get me to think of these thought processes as nothing more nor less than symptoms - presumably ones that can be treated. The idea here with me is not to impose a secondary judgment on them - like they're some awful reflection of me.
I'm quickly reaching the "babbling too much to make any sense stage" so I better stop before I get in deeper hot water.
Mair
Mair
Posted by fi on June 1, 2002, at 17:06:09
In reply to Re: No motivation...to do anything!-Penny, Fiona, posted by mair on May 31, 2002, at 15:35:31
I agree with both lots of suggestions- small achievable goals, and trusting your pdoc if you have a decent one.
I also find I get completely demotivated when stressed- the more I need to do which I find hard, the more I want to retreat under the duvet and hope it all goes away..! Dealing with little bits of it does help make it less overwhelming- is there some small step which isnt too alarming? Then the satisfaction you get can help with the next little chunk.
And think about if there are decisions/actions you can postpone, so you focus your limited resources on things you *have* to do.
Give yourself a treat if you manage anything.
And get lots of support from anyone you trust, and share with them how you are tackling things. I found that posting on this list that I *had* to tidy up my flat (before visitors) helped motivate me a bit- kind of 'going public'.
I also find it has *lots* to do with my depression- as I get better, it gets progressively a lot easier to motivate myself. So anything that helps you get over that is a good idea too.
And it *is* really hard jobhunting, or dragging yourself off to a job you hate- sympathies on that.
Fi
Posted by BarbaraCat on June 11, 2002, at 0:27:38
In reply to No motivation...to do anything!, posted by Penny on May 31, 2002, at 9:34:51
Hi Penny, Fiona, Mair,
I'm in a similar situation, although I've been out of work for over a year due to hitting the wall last June. Money worries on top of depression and anxiety seems like more than one can bear. But the amazing thing is that somehow I keep surviving, somehow a miracle happens and the mortgage and other crappy bills get paid (late more often than not, but paid). My husband is also out of work so it's sheer skin of the teeth every month. I hate the constant acid eroding stress of it. But all the same, it's getting done, I'm making it, I'm not permanently falling into the black sucking abyss I'm so terrified of. I mean to say, I fall in then I crawl out.I think I can speak for all of us in that when we're depressed our psychic antennas only pick up the doom channels. Our buried horrors surface and haunt us without mercy. Being homeless, sick, crazy, and unloved seems our inevitable fate. It's amazing we make it through each day relatively intact considering the warfare we go through. But I'm on the upswing of one of those awful episodes and can call on hindsight and share what I've learned and keep on learning. And it is this: the most wonderful and precious gift I've received from walking through the valley of hell is to cherish and seek haven in now, in this ever present moment.
It sounds trite perhaps and big deal, like ho-hum. But wait - really, the present moment is all we have and it usually is bearable, it's usually quite OK. I find myself in the midst of agonizing about what might happen to me when in reality I'm surrounded by a loving husband, sweet and precious little kitties, watching a good movie having had a decent dinner. Those horrors are in my head, but even if they do come true, there is grace in whatever form I most need that will bail my ass out, and in the moment it's happening I can deal with it. I always have and most likely I always will. The spark of life in me seems to be stronger than I give it credit for.
I've been practicing letting the safety and haven of my life in the here and now wrap around me, feeling every breath, every heartbeat. It will get better, it always does, just like it will at some point go to shit again. But maybe just letting it be has something to offer greater than we can imagine. I'm slowly learning that life is a great gift, even when I hate it. - Barbara
Posted by mair on June 11, 2002, at 6:52:08
In reply to Jobs, Doom, and the meaning of Life » Penny, posted by BarbaraCat on June 11, 2002, at 0:27:38
Posted by Penny on June 11, 2002, at 7:27:40
In reply to Jobs, Doom, and the meaning of Life » Penny, posted by BarbaraCat on June 11, 2002, at 0:27:38
Posted by fiona on June 11, 2002, at 9:35:31
In reply to Jobs, Doom, and the meaning of Life » Penny, posted by BarbaraCat on June 11, 2002, at 0:27:38
Thank you Barbara, sometimes I just need someone to point things like that out. Deep down I think I know it will get better one day, even when all my head will scream at me is that I will be forever stuck in this cycle. :)
Posted by Leighwit on June 11, 2002, at 15:57:13
In reply to Jobs, Doom, and the meaning of Life » Penny, posted by BarbaraCat on June 11, 2002, at 0:27:38
Posted by bookgurl99 on June 11, 2002, at 23:27:56
In reply to Jobs, Doom, and the meaning of Life » Penny, posted by BarbaraCat on June 11, 2002, at 0:27:38
. . . are you able to do anything to pull yourself out of the current cycle? I have found that being forced to go back to work (because I wouldn't qualify for benefits in my state due to not being a parent) has been really good for me. I'm starting to feel closer to my normal self.
I'm sure it's been suggested before, but. . . just thought I'd toss it out there anyways.
Posted by BarbaraCat on June 12, 2002, at 0:19:19
In reply to Not to break up the party, but. . ., posted by bookgurl99 on June 11, 2002, at 23:27:56
Well, speaking for myself it's a mixed bag. I've been in high tech, high stress computer analyst jobs. I also live in the NorthWest which has the highest unemployment rate in the nation. So very skilled computer folks are currently begging for cab driver jobs. I also know that I can't go back to that kind of 50 hours plus hour rat race hell anymore. It's part of the problem for me. It's been way too much for my tightly strung soul and on top of my Bipolar II mixed-states dx, I've also got fibromyalgia. That kind of stress is major no-no and I've finally learned my lesson.
I hear what you're saying about the positives of having a job - a little community to go to, tasks to take your mind off woe is me, feeling productive. If you have a skill that leaves you sane and free of massive burnout, then there's nothing like the comfort of a home away from home. And hey, let's not forget earning some money, the benefits, etc.
I've boxed myself into a career that I've never liked and now I have to find some other way. I really don't know what else to do and it's been a loooooong time since I did any waitressing. Everything I really love takes a whole lot more schooling, but that's probably what I'll end up doing. Going back to school for who knows how many more years at the age of 51. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to go back to school, but there's the little issue of money. You know, I don't care what they say - winning the lottery would solve ALL my problems!
In the meantime I'm getting unemployment that keeps getting extended and I'm waiting for the Social Security Disability folks to look kindly upon my application and appeal. I'm also gardening, caring for my home after years of neglect, and going within and listening. I'll eventually go back to work but something different, more sane. I just don't know what it is yet but I've got to believe that I'll find it. Not loving or being fulfilled by my work - no, let's say having my soul sucked dry by demanding and totally wrong jobs, has been the greatest heartache of my life. - Barbara
> . . . are you able to do anything to pull yourself out of the current cycle? I have found that being forced to go back to work (because I wouldn't qualify for benefits in my state due to not being a parent) has been really good for me. I'm starting to feel closer to my normal self.
>
> I'm sure it's been suggested before, but. . . just thought I'd toss it out there anyways.
Posted by bookgurl99 on June 12, 2002, at 14:19:33
In reply to Re: Not to break up the party, but. . . » bookgurl99, posted by BarbaraCat on June 12, 2002, at 0:19:19
You know, it's funny, I'm 26 and struggling (especially financially) to finish my degree. I can relate to a lot of what you're going through, on a smaller scale. I owe lots of $$ in medical bills, I'm waiting for my school to approve my 'medical' (mostly nervous breakdown-type stuff) reasons for not finishing all my courses last semester so that I can once again qualify for financial aid, etc. I also have a thyroid problem (hypo)that may be autoimmune in nature, and currently no health insurance.
So, I understand. You really shouldn't sacrifice your health for dollars.
Meanwhile, I'm working at a job I don't particularly like. I have the opportunity to start at a slightly better paying job that I will also NOT be passionate about in July. I'll probably take it, just for the pay, while I look for something better and sort out my life.
And this morning, when I woke up, I was thinking that I want to do more with my life than just make money and pay off debt. It seems that too many people are forced to squeeze their lives in on the weekend. I was thinking that it had been silly for me to suggest work as therapeutic to you.
But somehow, I still think it is. The right kind of work. Something that feeds your dreams and desires.
Here's to both of us finding a way. . .
Posted by oona on June 12, 2002, at 22:50:45
In reply to Re: Not to break up the party, but. . . » bookgurl99, posted by BarbaraCat on June 12, 2002, at 0:19:19
BarbaraCat and all..
Just Surfin and saw your post.. Sort of in the same position except that I have a job that I do not want to go to. Almost quit and walked out today, it was really hard to get thru the day but... I need the health insurance. Just waiting and looking for something better...
My dream is to find a craft that I am EXCELLENT with and can market it at craft fairs or flea markets on Fri., Sat & Sun., twice a month.
It would have to be enough to pay for EVERYTHING.
Pipe Dreams?Anyway, My husband is also unemployed right now and we are taking care of his 84 year old Alzheimers father. Just knowing that all things change (hopefully) for the better and that we have (some) control of our lives.
Hey, how did the belly dancing classes go (was that you?)
Wishing all good dreams.
oona
Posted by BarbaraCat on June 13, 2002, at 1:46:49
In reply to Re: Not to break up the party, but. . . » BarbaraCat, posted by oona on June 12, 2002, at 22:50:45
Hi Oona,
Yes, that was me re the belly dance classes. They'll start in September. Meanwhile I'm putting it together and Jeeze Louise and pray God, hopefully getting my body and brain together in the process. I've put on 30 pounds with the Remeron and Lithium since September and that was on top of being a bit pudgy and out of shape (and SICK with fibromyalgia) to start with - and like you, I also have a hypothyroid condition. My worst fear looks something like the dancing Hippo from Fantasia doing shimmies wearing a coin hip belt.But I LOVE b-dance. It is my passion and my joy. Not the nightclub cabaret style, no this is more strong wild desert woman style and it wakens and fills my soul with rapture. It's the first thing I started doing again after getting my sanity back this past winter. I'd love to get a group of women together and create something amazing. This is a major facing up to myself, let me tell you. Getting healthy and strong again, building self confidence, confronting my fears of age, possible ostracism from right-wing small-town folk (ohmygod, that's Middle East and probably sleazy too!). You know, all the "I'm a fool and basically unloveable" stuff. But dammit, it's about time I start having fun and following my bliss! I don't presume I'll make enough money to even pay the phone bill, but who knows? Maybe you'll read about me in Oprah or something - stranger things have happened.
Whoever has a job they truly love and are getting enought money is very blessed and fortunate indeed. Too few of us are in that lucky position and in my opinion it's one of the main reasons we're having all these health problems and mood disorders. All this life force and creative juice and no fulfilling place to use it. It jams up and turns into anxiety and depression. Perhaps just having enough time and energy left over after doing our unfulfilling jobs has to be good enough. What kind of craft expertise would be your dream come true? It sounds to me like you possibly have something in mind? - Barbara
Posted by oona on June 13, 2002, at 20:59:52
In reply to Let's have a party. . . » oona, posted by BarbaraCat on June 13, 2002, at 1:46:49
> Hi BarbaraCat,
I sat in on the interview with one of the summer camp teachers that teaches dancetheatre at the school where I work. Her presentation was on the history of the bellydance and how it was once only used among women to strengthen their abdominals for childbearing and was never practice before men till much later. Anyway, this one teacher had all kinds of designs and materials also used by the "womanly" "goddess" woman to drape on her body. Also, it was fun learning about the bellydance and maybe I will take a class also this fall. Good luck with yours, it sounds like fun. One last thought on the bellydance. I was on an "Aids" walk about six years ago back east, and they had stations along the side to stop and rest and at one of the stations, were five BIG gay guys, dressed in veils and bangles and beads, doing the belly dance or as we say it "mediterreanean dance"...Was a better day at work today and at least I made the decision to really look for something that I can live with as well as work at and not feel stressed out. I really felt like my blood pressure was going thru the roof yesterday. It does not work to take these meds and then aggravate the situation with a crappy job. Actually my job is not that crappy, just have a lot of bad days.
As far as crafts go........well, since I live in the southwest and am surounded by pinon, juniper, sage and rock (and now wildfires), it would have to be something crafted from nature. At first, (since I am a gardener) I thought I would make little rose trellesis out of pine that was fallen and make them to look like little ladders, like the ones that are on the pueblo indian houses. I tried that and it was a lot harder than it sounds. Then I thought I could do the same thing but make it into a type of magazine or newspaper rack, like you would have next to the john.
Anyway, I have all these ideas that I wish I had
the energy and/or money to accomplish. Or if I had a crew of leprechauns to help me.I used to drive my husband crazy sometimes cuz I would always be drawing plans of additions to the house or garden or whatever.... Not so much now as before...
Rambling on and way out of this thread of "no motivation" guess I have the motivation but not the energy.
always.
Oona,
Posted by BarbaraCat on June 14, 2002, at 1:58:30
In reply to Re: Let's have a party. . . » BarbaraCat, posted by oona on June 13, 2002, at 20:59:52
Oona,
Your little rose trellises sound wonderful. What about working them into a little fountain landscape? You know, most of those little fountains you can buy just about anywhere don't have any natural plants or growing things on them, at least that I've seen. They're mainly rocks and plastic stuff. But with little minature roses with SouthWest herbage and wood crafted items, I know I'd sure be a customer. I think you should just stick with your idea. Even if it's painstaking now it will get easier, and besides, creating with your hands is wonderful therapy. The whole craftsman culture is suffering because no one has time to devote to it anymore, so here's your chance to keep it alive.The belly dance info you got sounds like the history I'm familiar with. It goes way back - before recorded Western history, so no one really knows for sure. Some ethnologists think it started in Northern India with the first known settler race, the Aryans (not to be confused with the German Aryans). It then moved south and west with the nomadic tribes, gaining nuances of local cultures - Gypsy, Berber, Persian, Tunisian, Egyptian, etc. It was mainly a tribal woman's dance that honored the cycles of the feminine, the Goddess, Earth Mother, and just having a honkin' good time. Naturally it made it's way into the bedroom - why the heck not. But it was only recently in the turn of the century with Little Egypt dancing at a World's Fair and the English archeology expeditions to the fertile crescent that it devolved into the nightclub glam thing that most people are familiar with. That's not to put that dance form down, it's just a very different vibe.
It's interesting you mention the gay men's involvement. There are more and more men getting into it, and not only gay men (although it's not something most guys would admit at a Superbowl tailgate party). The boy thing dates way back, mainly to middle era Persia where homosexuality was encouraged, and young men created their own form of sensual earthy dance done for each other and for their overloards.
Anyhow, that was fun. I enjoyed hashing up my brain's med-dance contents. It comforts me to realize I still have some working grey matter left. Keep in touch. I enjoy our visits. - BCat
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