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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Paige on May 5, 2002, at 19:21:55
I don't know if this is appropriate here, and please
tell me if it is not and where maybe someone can be
of help. I just lost my sister to due to comp-
lications with her stem cell transplant , she had
leukemia, AML and had a non-sibling donor.
It has left me feeling very lost, sad and having very
little care about my own life (no, not suicidal
but cold careless if I am here or not). She died
April 13th and I took care of her for many months
and I am lost.
If someone has advice that wold be great.
paige
Posted by fiona on May 5, 2002, at 20:01:17
In reply to Sibling Loss, posted by Paige on May 5, 2002, at 19:21:55
I am so sorry for your loss. It is devastating when someone close to us dies. I am afraid that I don't know what advice to give you, only offer my sympathy and understanding. I had a friend who died of leukaemia 11 years ago and although we knew it was going to happen it still was a huge shock and I felt, like you said, lost and also helpless.
I still think about him often and what helps me is remembering how much joy he brought into the lives of those who knew him, the practical jokes he used to play on everyone, and how much of a pain in the ass he was! I know that doesn't sound very nice, but I mean it in the nicest possible way! Even when he was really sick he liked to play tricks on us. Sorry, I am starting to ramble a bit now, but I can't help it :)
When he died I sought comfort in my friends and family, which helped a great deal. Slowly my life got back to normal again, but it was over a long period of time and I can't really say that I did this or that to get by. It is true what they say that time is the greatest healer.
I am sorry if that sounds cheesy or corny, but it is true.
Take care of yourself, that is the most important thing of all.Fiona
Posted by sid on May 5, 2002, at 21:47:09
In reply to Sibling Loss, posted by Paige on May 5, 2002, at 19:21:55
First let me offer you my deepest condolences. You just went through a very very difficult event, especially since it was due to cancer. I know the feeling of not being able to do anything and feeling guilty just for being alive while someone else passed away.
I think the best advice I can give you is: talk about her, talk about her death, talk about how you feel. Do you know a support group for friends and family of cancer victims? There are some in most cities, and I think it can help a lot. Talk to her friends, the rest of your family. Not all the time about her and her death of course, else you'll wear everybody out, but from time to time, as they can take it, when it feels right. Others surely need to talk about it too, so they may be happy to do so with you.
What NOT to do: keep all your feelings bottled up. Remain cold and not caring too much about life. You seem numb, which is, I think, a defense mechanism so you don't lose it completely after such a difficult situation. It's OK for a while, but your feelings must come out and you need to get back to life eventually.
You could also go to a counsellor / therapist, specifically for grief/mourning therapy, to help you get through this. It is very common to do that because people are often at a loss after the death of a loved one.
When my father died of cancer I also read about mourning - the diferent stages of it, how to cope. But I remained too alone and I did not grieve properly fast enough. I think it hurt me in the long run. I was too intellectual about it, not emotional enough. Next time I need to mourn someone, I'll make sure to talk, cry, scream at the top of my lung if I feel like it. The emotions need to come out and to be felt and lived through so you can get to something good after.
All that said, I wish you good things in the future, and the strength to get through this and come out stronger.
- sid
Posted by beardedlady on May 6, 2002, at 6:12:20
In reply to Re: Sibling Loss » Paige, posted by sid on May 5, 2002, at 21:47:09
I've had a bit of grief. After my daughter was born, the best dog in the universe died. Then my grandmother, with whom I was very close, died unexpectedly two weeks later. And then my father-in-law of 16 years died.
I should have sought help after my grandmother died. I had never lost anyone before, and the dog nearly put me over the edge; my gram definitely did. But I was nursing a baby, and when I cried, she cried. I sort of had to stop feeling so bad. I felt like my milk was curdling!
A year later, an accupunturist put some needles somewhere and I wept uncontrollably. She told me that I was still deeply grieving and that it was a major source of some of my troubles.
So it's important that you find some support group or therapist or someone to talk it out with, because it's a very lonely place otherwise.
It's four years later, and I cry sometimes. But I can also think of them and how they brought so much joy into my life and actually smile! I don't know that the pain of grief ever goes away, but you do learn to live with it, and, in doing so, you begin to notice it less and less.
I told someone once it was like living with a mole on your cheek. It first grows there, and you think of it constantly. But soon, you stop noticing it when you look in the mirror. It just doesn't bother you anymore. But once in awhile, you'll find a hair growing out of it, and it'll become fresh for a moment.
Please know that it takes some time, and be patient. But also be good to yourself. Forgive yourself everything. And cry as much as you want or need to. But do talk about it with someone regularly.
Good luck and best wishes,
beardy : )>
Posted by Chris A. on May 6, 2002, at 20:25:20
In reply to Sibling Loss, posted by Paige on May 5, 2002, at 19:21:55
Dear Paige,
What a painful loss to go through. It must as if a part of yourself is missing. Hospices usually have grief support groups. If not, the oncology ward at any hospital should be able to direct you to one. Sometimes we need "real world" flesh and blood support
Blessings,
Chris A.
Posted by Paige on May 7, 2002, at 18:17:57
In reply to Re: Sibling Loss, posted by Chris A. on May 6, 2002, at 20:25:20
thank you, all of you for sharing your thoughts
and advice. All is well taken. I have lost most
family members, but one never grows accustomed to it.
Sibling loss is beyond me, but i know I need to talk.
I cried a lot before it even happened, because I
knew it would and it never made sense then and it
does not now.
Thanks for everything.
Paige
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