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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Penny on May 1, 2002, at 23:20:48
As usual, I'm overthinking things, but please bear with me... I so value the insight I gain from all of you!
What do you do if you're afraid to get better? To be happy? Because sadness and low self-esteem is all you know?
I'm really starting to think something else is wrong with me other than the depression/mood disorder, and I say that because I seem to be looking for more things that are wrong with me. Not in a hypochondriacal kind of way, though I suppose that could possibly apply as well, but just that I think I'm afraid to be 'okay' so I'm not allowing myself to be. Does that make sense?
For example, I like going to see my pdoc frequently. And my internist. And my therapist (though I can get away with that one). And I'm afraid to not have a problem so as to not need them anymore.
But it's more than fear, I think. Possibly it's almost an obsession with having problems. How do you beat yourself at your own crazy games? How do you convince your own mind that what it thinks is wrong? I haven't figured that out yet, and part of me doesn't want to.
I pose these questions b/c I think I am dangerously close to saying I'm 'feeling better' and right now I'm looking for every excuse in the book to show that I'm not actually getting better, I'm just getting by. Isn't that crazy? I know, I know...
I see my pdoc again on Friday, and my therapist returns from her maternity leave on Saturday, and I'm actually feeling 'okay' tonight. And I'm afraid it won't last, and I'm afraid it will. It's truly a wonder that I even venture out into the world at all, with all that I'm afraid of! And, as some of you know, I have let that stop me from pursuing other things that could likely bring some joy into my life. My own fear. It's why I want to kill myself sometimes and why I haven't yet.
I said to my pdoc one time recently that I was doing okay, but ... and he said "Perhaps you won't go downhill again. Perhaps this time you'll stay above ground." And I'm terrified, absolutely terrified that he's right. And then what??????
If you made it this far, sorry for rambling...
Penny
Posted by cmcdougall on May 2, 2002, at 14:06:27
In reply to Insight needed ..., posted by Penny on May 1, 2002, at 23:20:48
Dear Penny,
I think you must be rather insightful to contemplate the idea that you might be afraid to "get better".
Here is an idea that was used by a shamanic healer on me for my frequent migraines several years ago. I was amused when my pdoc suggested it on my last visit...
This is it:
1. Lay down in a quiet, comfortable place where you will not be disturbed for 30 minutes or so.
2. Close you eyes and imagine yourself in a lovely outdoor setting. Choose a place from real life that is very familiar to you, that way you can visualize all the details without trying to make something up. Visualise the sky, the ground, the scenery, the smells, just everything. Do not add any people or animals, just yourself. Make sure that you imagine yourself feeling wonderful and at peace, no worries allowed.
3. Next, depending on your beliefs, visualize yourself surrounded by some kind of protective shield. It could be a white-light force field, an invisible curtain of rosaries, angels w/ firey swords, or whatever you want. Use something that really has some protective meaning to you.
4. After you have relaxed in this vision and taken time to see it clearly, ask (out loud or in your imagination) to speak to the part of yourself that is causing you these problems. Ask that part to show itself. At this point, take reassurance from your sheild - nothing can harm you now. It seems goofy as hell, but your imagination will provide "something" to answer your questions. Don't be surprised at what this part of you looks like - it may be an exact twin, it could look like you as a child, or it may take on the appearance of some animal (my headaches looked like snakes curled around my neck - not pleasant but not scary. Hey, they were part of me).
5. Now start asking questions. Just let loose and allow your mind to imagine the answers. It will really surprise you.
6. When you can't think of any more questions, talk back to this imaginary part of you. Tell it what you think of it and its answers.
7. Now the fun part - anything you don't like about it, change it. Its YOUR vision, do whatever you want! If this part of you needs help, give it love and affection. Apologize if you've been hurting it. Promise to take care of it like it needs. If this part of you is yucky, simply demand that it leave. If the urge is there, tell it off, or melt it away. Again, this is your party, you make the rules and you decide what happens.
8. When you are finished w/ this little part of you, say goodbye and see it gone. Be sure to thank your protective shield, and open your eyes.
9. Write down your experience.My pdoc told me this was actually a very effective way to tap into the subconscious. Maybe you can find out whats going on with you...
As I wrote previously, my migraines looked like a snake wrapped around my neck, not strangling but heavy (my migraines always start w/ neck pain). I asked the snake why it was there. To my surprise, it answered that it was there because I wanted it there, that I loved it. Then I asked why on earth would I love it - I hated it, it was messing up my work, my marriage, and my health. The snake then responded that I loved it because it forced me to retreat from my pain. I then argued that IT was causing the pain. The snake said my real pain was the stress of my job, my family, and circumstances that I was involved in beyond my control. It said it gave me migraines that allowed me to retreat from all that pressure without having to be responsible. No one could complain when I wasn't taking care of business if I was in agony in bed. I am not saying that the migraines weren't real - they WERE. The shaman (wierd, I know) then directed me to thank the snake and explain that I was grateful for all the help but it wasn't needed anymore. I then imagined it arguing with me! LOL It actually took some coaxing for it to slide off my shoulders and crawl away. I then imagined it going down a hole. To my surprise, it stuck its head out of the hole and assured me that it would come back any time I needed it.
I had to think on this for a while, but it started to make sense. This was my first time using alternative treatment for my debilitaing migraines, although I had tried chiropractic and accupuncture. They are probably considered alternative by most people. I had also tried every traditional treatment you can imagine. Believe it or not this visualization thing worked as well as anything, and probably a little better.
I still get migraines, and occasionally I will go to that place and ask the snake to leave.
If you try this, let us know what happened.
Love and luck,
Carly
Posted by Penny on May 3, 2002, at 11:16:02
In reply to Try this trick - insight into a lot of probs..., posted by cmcdougall on May 2, 2002, at 14:06:27
Thank you so much! That sounds like the perfect thing for me to try...and perhaps for my headaches too! I've had almost daily headaches since I was 10 years old...I'm 26. Chiropractic works sometimes, but the thing that worked best was beating the depression, albeit temporarily. But now they're back.
I'm having a lot of epiphanies lately...not sure why, but I guess it's a good sign.
thanks again.
Penny
Posted by sid on May 5, 2002, at 22:05:37
In reply to Try this trick - insight into a lot of probs..., posted by cmcdougall on May 2, 2002, at 14:06:27
I think I'll try that soon. It sounds good to me. Part of me is very rational, but then I'm into meditation, acupuncture and yoga, things that are not entirely understood by science.
Thanks Carly.
This is the end of the thread.
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