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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LiLi80 on April 26, 2002, at 12:18:24
why do people feel as tho they need to inform you of your mental illness. Like i dont already know that my brain doesnt work right anymore, thank you for throwing it in my face that i will never be the saem again, and i dont possess the skills i once had. thanks so much for bringing that to my attention. god she is my best friend and she makes me feel horrible. just cause i cant concentrate on my paper. why does she do this. And she has to make me feel completely incompentent and stupid cause i cant concentrate. like because its the end of the semester i should be cured, and it just makes me so mad. i hate being crippled, why do people have to inform me 20 times a day how horrible i am , and ihow i will not get better, even with therapy, i feel stuck , and my mom made me cancel therapy this week, i really needed to go, and she cancelled it, i gave my car to my friend cause my mom said she would drive me but she backed out and my father and sister were busy. no therapy for lili, this sucks, doesnt she know that i need to go? i am just so mad. i hate being inferior because of this illness. i have no intelligence now. i cant think. the only thing i really ever had. i dont have looks, nobody looks at me, not guys anyway, i am this horrible excuse for a human being, i hate being me. i am just a piece of crap, i dont deserve anything. i should just off myself, i know my mom and everyone is getting so sick of me. my mom constantly says how my grandmother is a pain cause of her dementia and how she wants her to die, i am sure she is saying it about me too. death so nice. i wouldnt leave a note i would just say my last words and thoughts and die. i wish i could just die quickly, no pain, no anger, no hate, no love, no nothing, endless nothiness, nonexistence is better.
Posted by Manda on April 26, 2002, at 14:27:20
In reply to 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888, posted by LiLi80 on April 26, 2002, at 12:18:24
You know, Lili, I would love to give you some words of encouragement, but I am in the exact same f****** boat. I feel horribly, and I want to die. I can't write all of my f****** papers (all 35 pages of them) by next week, and I can't deal with people anymore. I woke up this morning with this really bizarre feeling- I'm very calm, and I feel like today is my last day. It's very strange. It's like I woke up and said, "Wow. I'm going to die today. Ok. Whatever," and went along with my day. I tried to talk to my boyfriend, but I couldn't get the words out. He knows that I'm not ok, but he has no clue how badly off I am. I just went to the store and bought a huge bottle of vodka, and I've got enough pills to kill three people, I bet. I'm kind of sad, but not really upset. I feel like I've given all that I can give for as long as I could give it, and I'm just out of energy. I had a really weird dream last night (in the few hours that I could actually sleep)- I dreamed that I was trying to ride a bike up a really steep hill, and that I kept falling down and hurting myself. I got more and more frustrated and more and more injured with every attempt. Finally, I fell down, and I didn't have enough strength to get up. All of the sudden, a sense of peace came over me, and I realized that it was ok- that I tried my hardest, and I couldn't do it, but that it was ok. Anyway, I'm going to be a total hypocrite and say that you shouldn't kill yourself. You are a valuable, loved person, and you can't give up yet. Unfortunately, I bet you won't believe me. It's the truth, though. I, on the other hand, am nothing but a burden that drags down everyone around me. They deny this, but I know it's true. Oh well. I don't want to hurt them, but I think I'm doing them a favor in the long run. They don't realize that I'm really not going to get better, and I'm going to be this huge burden for my entire life. I can't do that to them, even if I could get through it. Anyway, I'm tired, so I'm going to go...
-Manda
Posted by IsoM on April 26, 2002, at 20:09:56
In reply to ME TOO, posted by Manda on April 26, 2002, at 14:27:20
Manda, I'm so worn out & fragile right now, but I read your post. Don't do it, sweetie, please, please don't do it. Who says you're a burden? We don't want you gone. I know the feeling of pressure, deadlines to get all your work done on time & handed in. I couldn't do it - I just couldn't & tried so hard. The harder I tried, the less sleep I got, the stupider I became. I ended up auditing a mess of courses, losing my grant & screwing everything up. I sunk so far down.
But it's not the end - it's three years later & now I don't give a damn. I refuse to let them dictate at what rate I should learn & what I should learn - what's important & what's not. I'm still living & working. My life is more interesting anyway than it would be cloistered in some little lab, cloning little twigs in test-tubes, being told what to do as a 'flunky scientist' - yeah, real science, real important stuff.
My 26 year old son came just now & read over my shoulder - I didn't mind. He's been there. I had to haul him into our car 4 years ago & get him to a hospital as he was leaving to kill himself. He said that if anyone had ever told him then, that life could be better, would be better, it's not just he wouldn't believe them - he honestly couldn't imagine a life without pain & any hope for the future. His life has meaning now & as he says, others value him & love him.
I know you can't see ahead. We're blinded by our pain & can't even see whre to place our feet. Please let me be your eyes for now. Please stay to hear more & see more. Don't go, Manda, please, PLEASE don't go. Not you, not Lili, not anyone else. Please, I'm pleading for all of us.
Posted by paxvox2000 on April 26, 2002, at 20:43:35
In reply to Re: ME TOO » Manda, posted by IsoM on April 26, 2002, at 20:09:56
Wow, and I thought I was having a bad life! I have known that road of despair, when it seemed that there was "no way out" but the one-way-trip.
However, please belive me, unless you have a terminal illness, and have only months to live, and are in intractable pain, suicide solves ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Geeze...if I had ever have acted out those thoughts during my low points.
Belive me, no matter HOW BAD you think things are, no matter how bleak your future may seem, you have NO WAY of knowing how your life may be in one, five ten years from now. What you need is the right Pdoc, and the right meds, and perhaps the right support group. But what you need first is someone to HELP you get there. There are people all throughout your circle of influence that would probably go to great lengths to help you if they knew you needed help. I know it may be hard to ask for that someone, but there are other organizations that can also help you. What do you have to lose by checking out one of the toll-free mental health hot lines, or even your county or ciy's local mental health office?
That you are able to function enough to post on the computer shows that A) you are not a comotose zombie B) you are intelligent enough to realize that you HAVE a problem and C) I think you really WOULD like to be better. I don't know how long you have been posting here, but even we humble folk in cyber-land can be of assistance. I have gotten some really heart-felt, compassionate responses from some of my "friends" here, as well as "strangers". You are making a cry for help. We here you. Tell us what you want. Ask us what you want to know. Address your worst fears, and see how many of us are or have been EXACTLY where you are now. There is always, ALWAYS hope.
PAX
Posted by Manda on April 26, 2002, at 21:45:01
In reply to Re: ME TOO » Manda, posted by IsoM on April 26, 2002, at 20:09:56
I just can't handle the pain anymore. It hurts so badly, and I just have to make it stop. It's not going to get better. I know that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life- an emotionally unstable burden for everyone I know. Everyone keeps telling me to hang on b/c they will find some medicine that will help me, but I can't hang on any longer. It's not even about school so much anymore. I don't care that I won't be able to write those papers. I've always been able to picture myself in my next step of life (even if it was completely wrong), but I honestly cannot see myself anywhere but where I am right now. I don't think I'm ever going to graduate, or even live to see this summer. I'm just not strong enough. I wish I were... I wish that I could get through this so that I could help other people like me. Sadly, I am too weak even to pull myself through. On the other hand, I won't be able to do anything tonight. Apparently, I have also gotten myself sick, so I couldn't keep any amount of alcohol or drugs down me right now. I'm supposed to be sleeping right now- I took 10 mg of Ambien (twice as much as usual), but I only slept for 3 hours. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't get anything done b/c I can't concentrate, I can't smile, I can't be happy- what's the point in being alive???
-Manda
Posted by Manda on April 26, 2002, at 21:50:56
In reply to Re: ME TOO, posted by paxvox2000 on April 26, 2002, at 20:43:35
I have my first appt. w/ my new pdoc on Wednesday. I have a support group, but I think that they are at their wits end. I'm draining all of the life out them too, I think. My boyfriend wanted to take me to the hospital earlier b/c he realized that I was completely serious about being suicidal, but I wouldn't let him. Instead, he came over for a while, gave me an Ambien (twice the dose I normally take), and got me to go to bed. Well, apparently, there's a conspiracy against me b/c the Ambien only put me to sleep for 3 hours. Half of that dose always made me sleep for at least 6 hours... So, I'm so tired- haven't slept much in days, so stressed, feeling kind of sick (got a fever and everything), but I really, really don't care about any of it. I just want it to end. I don't really care how- I just can't hold on for much longer.
-Manda
Posted by IsoM on April 26, 2002, at 23:39:13
In reply to Re: ME TOO » IsoM, posted by Manda on April 26, 2002, at 21:45:01
Manda, please read this & try your best to understand. I'm going to relate a scenario that played out with my son those 4 years ago.
The genetic tendency for depression runs in our family from my side & also from his father's. My son has Asperger syndrome too. His intelligence is phenomenol but there's a serious defect with his social side. He's always known he was different from others - was the quintessential geeky nerd, even though he's a very handsome man now & was a beautiful child, he has that ackwardness that most others find unattractive. He never fit in, always felt alone. When he was 11 & one day crying in my arms, he told me he just wanted so badly to be dead.
He fought depression before that, but I never knew just what it was. When he said that at only 11 years old, my heart broke. For a couple of years in his teens, we got it under control but in the last year of high school, it came back full force (I won't explain why). It hung heavy over him for another 4 years till I caught him as he was leaving to kill himself. Even treated, the depression didn't leave him till 2 years ago. He's lived with it for most of his life but he can honestly say he's glad I stopped him that day.
He still can feel the dread he had when he reflects on it but as he explained, it's like you're in a different world - a different place completely. If darkness falls all around you, how could you possibly see what lies ahead? He couldn't. He said nothing would have ever convinced him that matters would improve. And not just improve, but that he would feel happy & valued - someone of worth that others really care about now. Someone others look up to & seek out his company.
Manda, how can you know how others think of you, sweetie? You're blind now with emotional pain. You have no idea what lies ahead. The person who has passed through life without great pain, at one time or another, is rare. The greater the pain we feel, the greater is our depth & the greater can be our joy when we finally reach it. We will reach it. Perhaps we'll not be able to hold on to it always, but it is there to taste & enjoy from time to time. Some are luckier than others & have more happiness than pain. But we ALL have unbearable pain sometime. Most people prefer not to talk about it or try to forget it, but if you start talking to people much & gently coax, most will reveal times when they knew no way out.
But Manda, there is a way. I don't know when or where for you, but you need to let others - your boyfriend, your parents, whoever - know just what the depth of your despair is. If you were to die & they hadn't known how bad it was, they'll forever feel that they didn't help. They'll carry the guilt & pain after you're gone. Please let others know, Manda. Pax has given good advice - be good to us & let us help - and those you know who love you.
Posted by LiLi80 on April 27, 2002, at 0:34:28
In reply to Life Is Hopeless » Manda, posted by IsoM on April 26, 2002, at 23:39:13
Posted by beardedlady on April 27, 2002, at 6:51:24
In reply to am i invisable? i thought i started this thread? (nm), posted by LiLi80 on April 27, 2002, at 0:34:28
I think every message up here is for you. Even if it doesn't have your name in the subject line, the wisdom and love inside are for you.
I sent you a poem up above--a poem absolutely for you with your name on it, but you didn't respond to it, so I don't know if you read it. I know you feel so bad that a bird couldn't possibly help you. I know that.
But sometimes, as the Great Dr. Eamer has said, the simplest things can often bring us the greatest pleasures, and we have no idea why.
Take care.
beardy : )>
Posted by Lini on April 27, 2002, at 15:34:45
In reply to 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888, posted by LiLi80 on April 26, 2002, at 12:18:24
There is a part in all of us that doesn't want to die. It is why we struggle.
You're here, on an online mental health support group, and you're saying that you want to feel different than you do. that the pain overwhelms you. that looking at the future means looking down.
Everyone here knows what that feels like. And everyone here has made their way to the other side of it. Some of us (me) have made it by coming here to PSB and doing exactly what the both of you are doing. Daring anyone to help them, daring anyone to talk them back from the edge. People here do their best to come through. That's the deal we make.
I guess I would ask both of you to keep on keeping on. Shit stinks, that's its nature. But it doesn't last.
My post here is intended to let you both know that someone in Connecticut is sitting in her room, typing at her computer, hoping she can read a post from you tomorrow. Hoping that when that dark night falls over her world, and she buys her own bottle of Jack Daniels, and when she returns to thinking that her ex boyfriend could provide some sort of absolution, she can come here to PSB, and have the both of you here to help her through.
Stick around. We need you.
Posted by Phil on April 27, 2002, at 15:55:58
In reply to am i invisable? i thought i started this thread? (nm), posted by LiLi80 on April 27, 2002, at 0:34:28
When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.
Harriet Beecher Stowe
Posted by paxvox2000 on April 27, 2002, at 20:15:20
In reply to 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888, posted by LiLi80 on April 26, 2002, at 12:18:24
"Meaningless...meaningless...everything is a chase after the wind. Meaningless...meaningless, everything is meaningless, but that's what I've learned in all my years."
And that's from a man who had all the riches in the world at his hand.
He did have a change of heart later in life.
Hmmmmmmm......PAX
Posted by scared on April 29, 2002, at 3:02:55
In reply to am i invisable? i thought i started this thread? (nm), posted by LiLi80 on April 27, 2002, at 0:34:28
Posted by Dr. Bob on April 29, 2002, at 8:02:35
In reply to Me, Me, Me !!! rolls eyes (nm) » LiLi80, posted by scared on April 29, 2002, at 3:02:55
> Me, Me, Me !!! rolls eyes
Please don't be sarcastic:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Thanks,
Bob
PS: Follow-ups regarding posting policies, or complaints about posts, should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration; otherwise, they may be deleted.
Posted by sid on May 2, 2002, at 15:38:26
In reply to 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888, posted by LiLi80 on April 26, 2002, at 12:18:24
Could you be more depressed?
Your message is depression in a nutshell. Keep hoping. There's more to life than these awful feelings. Be patient. Be good to yourself, learn not to care or worry so much about what others may think. You need to get better. Your friend? That's a misnomer, it seems to me. Or perhaps she simply can't deal with you when you're like that. It takes special people to deal with us at our lowest. If she can.t do it or if she's deliberately refusing to, you need to count on other people. About the car and the cancelled therapy: again, be patient. Not everything goes according to plan. I know it's especially frustrating when we're not well, I've been there. Patience and hope are the key. As well as efforts, when you're up to makeing them.- sid
This is the end of the thread.
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