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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DinahM on April 23, 2002, at 8:50:50
It's hard to live with the consequences of your actions. That's why I'm afraid to act.
But even so, the consequences come anyway. Because I just can't be careful enough. I need to be better. I make others uncomfortable and I live with the consequences. I melt down and I live with the consequences.
I just feel so alone. And that's my fault. I look around out of the corner of my eye to see how real people act, but I just can't seem to mimic them.
I like me just fine, but me-in-relation-to-others is fatally flawed. Always has been and always will be.
My therapist tells me that it's not my fault, that there are things about me that makes it hard for me to relate to others and hard for others to relate to me, but that it's not my fault. He says I choose not to believe that. But I don't choose not to believe it, I just don't understand the reasoning.
Am i here? Do I exist? Or am I just a figment of my own imagination.
I have to think the answer is to dig my burrow a bit deeper and thus not be confronted with the basic badness of me-in-relation-to-others. I just seem to have trouble doing that.
Posted by Alii on April 23, 2002, at 10:48:49
In reply to It's hard to live with the consequences., posted by DinahM on April 23, 2002, at 8:50:50
Dinah--
>>how real people act<<
Darlin, you're as real as they get.
>>I have to think the answer is to dig my burrow a bit deeper and thus not be confronted with the basic badness of me-in-relation-to-others. I just seem to have trouble doing that.<<
I see a lot of growth in that sentence. You are trying. From my years of lurking I can see positive (IMO) changes from your previous posts to your posts now.
Please be gentle with yourself.
--Alii
Posted by DinahM on April 23, 2002, at 10:54:22
In reply to Re: It's hard..., posted by Alii on April 23, 2002, at 10:48:49
You know, that's the problems. For a while I thought my posts here were ok, and I felt part of something, less isolated. Now I know my posts were never ok. That as dinah i was as flawed and incapable of human relationships as i am as myself. i see no growth, only enlightenment. Enlightenment that i was always bad here, just too stupid to realize it.
Posted by Alii on April 23, 2002, at 11:09:54
In reply to Re: It's hard... » Alii, posted by DinahM on April 23, 2002, at 10:54:22
For a very non-stupid Dinah,
Is today a beat-up-on-yourself kind of day? : (
I'm not pleased with things I have said or written over the past seven years of treatment however it is the passage of time that allows me to recognize that growth has occurred. Growth isn't always easy nor on par with the schedule I have mapped out. Now as far as enlightment...I can't help you there since I don't feel very enlightened myself.
I am sad to see you write this >>...just too stupid to realize it.<<
Stupid isn't a word that I associate with a person like yourself who has shown great courage in returning to this board. It is not an easy place to be at times.
I hold out hope that you stay.
--Alii
p.s. when do you see your therapist next? I'm out the door to mine as soon as I submit this.
Posted by Krazy Kat on April 23, 2002, at 15:23:53
In reply to It's hard to live with the consequences., posted by DinahM on April 23, 2002, at 8:50:50
dinah:
it's so interesting because i find you So easy to relate to.
i have very few friends, and over the last year have lost a few of those because of my illness (or at least i guess that's it).
at times i feel alone. i always said i would make it through life alone so i didn't have to depend on anyone and get hurt. slowly i've learned to depend on a few people, but never to the extent that most humans interact.
my husband is even "worse" than I - he definitely has some aspects of asperger's, which i believe you do, too.
i like this fortune teller that comes on our local radio station monday mornings. she cracks me up, but she is uncannily accurate as well. (remember, this is The woodstock).
she recommends opening yourself up to the universe - not worrying about how others react to you, what is happening in life that we can't control. similar to many spiritual "counselors".
i would just be yourself, seek help in a place specific to your illnesses (like here), If that helps, and focus on your family relations. you obviously have good relations with your hubby and child.
i'll think more and write later.
- kk
Posted by DinahM on April 23, 2002, at 19:37:42
In reply to Re: It's hard to live with the consequences. » DinahM, posted by Krazy Kat on April 23, 2002, at 15:23:53
>
> at times i feel alone. i always said i would make it through life alone so i didn't have to depend on anyone and get hurt. slowly i've learned to depend on a few people, but never to the extent that most humans interact.
>Thanks kk. That sounds so much like myself. I think that is part of my anger with myself. I've always been an "I am an island" kind of person, but I get these spells where I really want to connect. It invariably ends up with shame on my part, so fortunately it doesn't happen often. :)
I do have a great husband and son, and I should concentrate on getting my needs for interaction met by them.
Ohhh. Never mind me. :) I'm sort of in the opposite mood of where I used to be with this board. Everything used to feel so smooth. Now I second guess everything I post and get panicky about everything. Darn OCD. I know it means well, but...
Posted by Krazy Kat on April 23, 2002, at 21:34:21
In reply to Re: It's hard to live with the consequences. » Krazy Kat, posted by DinahM on April 23, 2002, at 19:37:42
Posted by Penny on April 24, 2002, at 8:15:13
In reply to It's hard to live with the consequences., posted by DinahM on April 23, 2002, at 8:50:50
> My therapist tells me that it's not my fault, that there are things about me that makes it hard for me to relate to others and hard for others to relate to me, but that it's not my fault. He says I choose not to believe that. But I don't choose not to believe it, I just don't understand the reasoning.I do the same thing, Dinah.
>
> Am i here? Do I exist? Or am I just a figment of my own imagination.And I wonder the same thing. Have thought about saying this exact thing to my pdoc, just to see how he would react. On my better days, I don't question the reality of this. But most of the time...how could this hell I call reality be real? Oh...I guess b/c it's hell.
> I have to think the answer is to dig my burrow a bit deeper and thus not be confronted with the basic badness of me-in-relation-to-others. I just seem to have trouble doing that.Please don't leave us, Dinah. I agree with what others have posted about being able to relate to you extremely well. I think the world of you. You have been so supportive to me when I've needed it most. I want to do the same for you...
Love,
Penny
Posted by DinahM on April 24, 2002, at 8:46:15
In reply to Re: It's hard to live with the consequences. » DinahM, posted by Penny on April 24, 2002, at 8:15:13
>
> Please don't leave us, Dinah. I agree with what others have posted about being able to relate to you extremely well. I think the world of you. You have been so supportive to me when I've needed it most. I want to do the same for you...
>
> Love,
> PennyThank you Penny. I have tried to be supportive, but I also periodically melt down and make a scene that makes other people uncomfortable. It kind of hurts when old friends avoid me, but I don't blame them at all. I blame myself for having the meltdowns. I don't seem to be able to stop doing this on this board because as Dinah I have more access to my feelings than I do as the stilted automaton I am in real life. The automaton I became in order to control the meltdowns, and the only way I seem to be able to control them - to wall off my emotional side.
I wish I could say I will stick around, but I don't know that I can. My therapist has a new assignment that will take him out of town one week in four indefinitely. I am terrified that next he will be unable to see me at all, and that fear is probably part of the feeling of aloneness and isolation I feel. At any rate, this board causes me to regress, I project a lot on it, and in general it makes me feel more alive, and therefore makes me far more likely to melt down. And with him being unavailable 25% of the time, I am trying to eliminate causes of meltdown in my life. I would be more likely to try again, because I do enjoy meeting people like you Penny, if I weren't so worried about what to do when I have a meltdown and he isn't available.
Thanks for the kind words. :)
Dinah
Posted by Zo on April 24, 2002, at 22:58:53
In reply to Re: It's hard to live with the consequences. » Penny, posted by DinahM on April 24, 2002, at 8:46:15
Let me send you some kind words too. I'm sorry that there ever seemed to be any other, which in truth I think kinda got fanned up unnecessarily. . .'cause after what I've been through, I *know* there is common ground.
I feel kinda stupid, tho, reading how you put the board to use for you. Stupid because I couldn't find that depth--okay, to be fair, you didn't express it quite this way either. And maybe I am nosing in on a safety you feel to express it to Penny, but ha ha it's a public board, so now I know about Dinah's intelligent use of this space!
Not exactly posting with kid gloves, am I? That's me, Dinah, I tease, I probe, I laugh. . .it's the way I am with friends, and if it strikes you wrongly, then I need to know, because it's hard for me to judge. I did get it about the SWOPs. Some of us had to get tough, to survive, some of us had to get funny. . .all of us, it would be my hope, are involved in reweaving that dross into gold. Know what I mean?
You take care,
Zo
Posted by DinahM on April 25, 2002, at 10:17:20
In reply to Re: It's hard to live with the consequences. » DinahM, posted by Zo on April 24, 2002, at 22:58:53
This is the end of the thread.
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