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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LiLi80 on April 11, 2002, at 14:29:08
I take neurontin for my anger, but i am still angry. It helps for not making me go after those girls. so it takes away extreme anger, but when i dont take them i am back to what i was. I want to get rid of anger, i dont want to be like this. my ex dumped me because of my anger, well that is one of the many reasons he gave me, cause he doesnt even know why we arent together, but he gives me new reasons every time i see him. I want him back, but i know have to not be angry person in order to even have a chance. How do i stop being angry. forgiveness doesnt work, cause they dont deserve it. i dont want anger management, cause the pdoc that i went to told me i have to pretend not to be angry for that. I am sick of represseing my emotions for only other people. I have emotions and i should be able to express them, but that leaves me with no friends and no boyfriend, whom i still love very much. i miss him, he asks about me still, and IMs me every once in while. I wish i knew how to get him back. he isnt the usual 22 yr old guy, offering sex doesnt work with him. he moved 2 hours away so he isnt even nearby. I hate this, i hate being angry , i dont mind being depressed, its nice having something other than myself to blame stuff on. i am not even mad at my ex, which i should be but i am not. i mad at my parents all the time (no surprise i am human) and i mad at the girls and the school. I cant forget what they did to me. I keep thinking that if they admit what they did was wrong then maybe i will stop being angry. but that wont happen, it bothers me more that no one believes me. I want the whole school to know what horrible things they have done to me. I want stupid dr baker (the ***** that took away my life) to suffer and be humilated and laughed at by the rest of the faculty at school. I hate elaine (the res life dir) because she called me a burden to the school and my roommates. i want her fired. I want to not be angry anymore, but i want justice. I want people to know that i am not crazy.
Posted by 2sense on April 12, 2002, at 14:07:17
In reply to How do i stop being angry?, posted by LiLi80 on April 11, 2002, at 14:29:08
Lili80 --
Just hopped over to this board -- I'm coming in late but a lot of what you are writing sounds like things I have experienced not necessarily at a school (is this high school or college) not that it matters. You have rights ... and I'd like to know more, if you are willing, because where I live I asked for an assignment sheet for my 3rd grader with AD/HD when we moved here in 10/85 -- called the district office. (BTW this is a for instance it may not apply at all or seem connected to your situation but I don't know much. Not letting someone graduate is not something (especially in this day and age) a school -- any school -- can do unless you've done something pretty horrible and specific and they can prove it beyond a shaddow of a doubt -- i.e., not via rumor, etc.) a school can just say you can't. Back to the district I dealt with. They told me that their state didn't recognize AD/HD as a (learning) disability so I couldn't ask for any accomodations (I just didn't want my charmer walzing in and saying he had no homework when he did). Well I politely (as I could given what I said :-)) asked the person if the state had ceded from the union or stopped taking federal funds? I said unless one of those two things happened they were federally obligated to accomodate my son -- for a whole lot more than an assignment sheet but that was all I wanted. Well they wanted to do it the hard way, but I worked for DOE and recognized the necessity of documenting, documenting, documenting -- of being polite, having my i's dotted and t's crossed. I do this for a lot of people. I find that some people in authority will simply say x,y, or z and the majority of the people they say it to accept it and walk away. I suppose some would call me a trouble maker, others say I am an advocate, I like to think if it weren't for others like myself we'd be drinking tea in England for there would have been no revolutionary war, etc. Even if a teacher failed you and you feel it was unjustified, that can be rationally challenged -- like I said I don't know the specifics and it is ENTIRELY up to you as to whether you wish to share them ... but I'm rooting for you -- hang in there ... I'm no pollyanna ... life been sort of rough on me but like the 12 steppers say a momonet at a time sometimes.
Really and Truly just my 2sense (Sue)
It took me a very long time to stop being angry, especially since it was outrageous, unfair, against the law and they got away with it. I have a strong faith and believe that in time people are dealt with -- some call it karma. I know in my case 40 people eventually were fired, quit, and/or took early retirement. It should have eased my pain but the lies and lies and conspiracy and duplicity -- and being told it wasn't really happening. Probably the best thing that helped me move forward was when it came out in the open and it wasn't "all in my head" -- nonetheless -- I lost a lot. Now 6+ years have passed and I look back and try to see what I can learn from the "experience" -- a lot of days .. I think NOTHING that's what it has taught me ... sorry that's really goofy.
Posted by JohnDoenut on April 15, 2002, at 22:07:04
In reply to How do i stop being angry?, posted by LiLi80 on April 11, 2002, at 14:29:08
I like what 2sense said.
I was very angry when I was young and can be made to very angry very quickly. It takes a lot of experience and practice to learn how to manage or channel anger to be useful for you. Find a better therapist to be a coach, maybe see about talking to a lawyer. Some do probono work for people who dont have much money and sometimes theyll just talk to you for nothing.
Instead of anger management, try classes or seminars in dispute resolution and negotiation. There are some good books about it. Its ok to be angry, you can learn to channel it to achieve justice or whatever you want to see happen. But there are ways of expressing it that are ok vs those that are not. So you can learn ways to express it that will let you keep friends and boyfriends with you instead of turning them away.JohnD
Posted by JohnX2 on April 16, 2002, at 1:17:28
In reply to How do i stop being angry?, posted by LiLi80 on April 11, 2002, at 14:29:08
> I take neurontin for my anger, but i am still angry. It helps for not making me go after those girls. so it takes away extreme anger, but when i dont take them i am back to what i was. I want to get rid of anger, i dont want to be like this. my ex dumped me because of my anger, well that is one of the many reasons he gave me, cause he doesnt even know why we arent together, but he gives me new reasons every time i see him. I want him back, but i know have to not be angry person in order to even have a chance. How do i stop being angry. forgiveness doesnt work, cause they dont deserve it. i dont want anger management, cause the pdoc that i went to told me i have to pretend not to be angry for that. I am sick of represseing my emotions for only other people. I have emotions and i should be able to express them, but that leaves me with no friends and no boyfriend, whom i still love very much. i miss him, he asks about me still, and IMs me every once in while. I wish i knew how to get him back. he isnt the usual 22 yr old guy, offering sex doesnt work with him. he moved 2 hours away so he isnt even nearby. I hate this, i hate being angry , i dont mind being depressed, its nice having something other than myself to blame stuff on. i am not even mad at my ex, which i should be but i am not. i mad at my parents all the time (no surprise i am human) and i mad at the girls and the school. I cant forget what they did to me. I keep thinking that if they admit what they did was wrong then maybe i will stop being angry. but that wont happen, it bothers me more that no one believes me. I want the whole school to know what horrible things they have done to me. I want stupid dr baker (the ***** that took away my life) to suffer and be humilated and laughed at by the rest of the faculty at school. I hate elaine (the res life dir) because she called me a burden to the school and my roommates. i want her fired. I want to not be angry anymore, but i want justice. I want people to know that i am not crazy.
This may not be totally relevant to your topic, but I would like to point out that angry *manic* people do STUPID things (they are unable to screen their thought processes and think coherently) and THEY REGRET IT AND APOLOGIZE.John
Posted by fiona on April 16, 2002, at 8:23:38
In reply to How do i stop being angry?, posted by LiLi80 on April 11, 2002, at 14:29:08
Have you tried venting your anger in an "acceptable" way, ie vigorous excercise like kick boxing or something? I find it really works for me. It doesn't stop the anger but it gets rid of some of it for a while.
Posted by 2sense on April 16, 2002, at 9:03:29
In reply to Re: How do i stop being angry?, posted by fiona on April 16, 2002, at 8:23:38
All excellent ideas ... but in my case for instance -- I am a stay at home mom for the last 6+ years (very stressful since all 3 have LD's and AD/HD and a very resistant school district -- attitude "make me" for the littlest of things) + husband with a start up company which isn't doing well -- I'm on 24//7 and have been ill (not little things -- like 6 surgeries, etc.) -- for instance I was hemorrhaging since last May and it peaked this past October with numerous ER trips and after 8 weeks finally they did the right thing and then had a hysterectomy (ovaries in -- no need for surgical menopause with 2 teens and a precocious 6 year old :-)) with complications (and it takes a good 6 months to get over this particular operation) -- add to it the anemia and I wasn't allowed to exercise -- then had a heart electrical problem mid-Feb and so no driving (that is tough -- if I walk it can be like 1/2 a mile with cell phone in hand with husband on the line due to the type of heart problem -- seeing doc today FINALLY -- you know empty restaurants versus those one needs to wait for weeks for a reservation) then there is more but -- my point is sometimes one isn't able to do the physical exertion to let out that energy -- I have had to harness it by writing (I keep journals) and such. It is still difficult depending upon your support system too. Just my 2sense. If I had my druthers, I'd be working out -- it always worked for me all the years in the past -- and I had plenty of pent up anger believe me, and it was pretty much justified -- BUT justified or not -- the medical establishment advocates forgiving slights large and small WHY -- the offended let's go of the anger and/or bitterness theoretically emotionally therefore one's stress hormones are not in overdrive. The "problem" with this, is that this, at least for me, is something one is/should be taught as a child (at least by example, i.e., how to cope with anger, stressful situations, etc. --> I grew up with a workaholic third generation Sicilian genius born again dad who had time for everyone but his family until disaster struck -- then he "surfaced for air" and was a classic rageaholic (which he told us was righteous anger ... it wasn't until I started studying the bible (within the last 6 1/2 years seriously given something that happened to really alter my life forever) that I realized a lot. My mom was just so overwhelmed and had no support system and my dad was one of those "submit" guys who took it totally out of context (at 11 I gave him a wooden heart that had carved in it the companion verse to the submission thing (the verse before) -- it still hangs above his dresser to this day. I do not know if he gets it because my mother is an enabler (truly she doesn’t understand that if a husband treats his wife the way Christ treated the church he would NEVER ask her to submit to anything that she wouldn’t want to) – she is from the old school (and grew up in her own dysfunction) and believe ALL women should stay at home and raise their children, listen to their husbands without question and get their whites white (I mastered that last one according to her). The problem with that thinking is obvious, for me it manifested itself in attempting for years to push my “square-ness’ into the ‘round-hole’ assigned to me (drilled into me) by my mother; hence the therapy for me for years. Glad to say that I have come a long way, am attempting to be the generation to turn things around (because my husband’s family isn’t/didn’t do much better – no religion but complete denial and w/drawal and if they couldn’t achieve that fight, fight, fight. The concept of resolution of an issue, compromising, negotiating is so foreign for both of us. Now I want it more than anything because there is a direct connect between STRESS and mental and/or physical health; that being said, “you cannot teeter totter alone”. One more quick thing on the concept of “submission” – that is what it is a concept. We all, sometimes everyday of our lives and more than once, have to make the decision to put someone else’s welfare before our own desires, needs, whatever – that is submitting for the correct reason. If one doesn’t learn this (and becoming a mother (it should come naturally once married, then when one has children if that is the route it goes) is a great example of how one learns fast that one has to choose often times (not always) the needs of one’s child over the desire of oneself. I do NOT mean to imply that you give up yourself whether it is in a relationship, as a parent, etc. It is a matter of choosing given all of the variables involved. I talk a good talk perhaps, but I still have mastered it – but I am not giving up … it is not like I do not have a lot of opportunity to practice at doing this. A good support system though, I have found (and been without most of my life for one reason or another) is a big, big key – at least that is what I have found for myself and others, who are close to me. This BOARD is a support system and I can see that some of the medical things that have come down on me in the last 2 weeks I would have emotionally handled differently had I not had you guys.
One last point – my dear hubby has an anger problem – my 6 year old (and when she was younger) got annoyed, confused, hurt, etc. especially when I let his “episodes” get to me. I explained to her the concept of MANAGEMENT (I live by analogies – I did it when I taught college and still find them invaluable no matter what I am trying to communicate or to whom). She was 5 at the time and daddy had had a ‘rageaholic’ episode, well we (my little one and I) talked about managing money (if I gave her $1 and we went to the dollar store how she could find something for a dollar but if she saw something for two then she would have to wait and manage her $$ -- she could barter and manage her time with me (i.e., do a chore to earn the other dollar – earn it first – no deficit spending in this household J) – we then talked about managing time (what if mommy over committed her time to x,y,z and didn’t have time to spend with her) then we moved to managing emotions (someone slights her at pre-k what options did she have: punch the kid in the arm, say something mean, ask mom to take her home and cry and/or talk about it in the car, go home and draw a picture of this offender perhaps losing their favorite toy ß doesn’t sound “healthy” but it allowed her to understand anger can be managed without hurting someone else AND she can work it through. I also have explained to her and her brother and sister – don’t stand in front of the same truck more than once (“fool me once shame on you, fool me again shame on me…”). This is easier when the person doing the offending (generating the anger) is a friend for instance rather than a significant other/spouse, child, etc.
Again … Just my 2sense (Sue)
Posted by Elayne on April 17, 2002, at 3:07:47
In reply to Re: How do i stop being angry?, posted by JohnX2 on April 16, 2002, at 1:17:28
Good point, John. Depending on how nuts I was at the time, I could sometimes keep myself from inflicting my anger on other people (not always, though). But it was absolutely beyond my ability to stop the overwhelming, absurdly disproportionate rage from filling me up in the first place...that is, until I realized it was part of my illness and found meds to help.
So to tell an angry, manic person how to be calm and rational...
well, I think it's like telling a cancer patient to heal herself by eating right, exercising, and hanging out with supportive people (all great and important), but probably not all that helpful without medically or surgically attacking the disease process itself. At least that's been my experience.Elayne
Posted by Chris A. on April 20, 2002, at 16:38:17
In reply to How do i stop being angry?, posted by LiLi80 on April 11, 2002, at 14:29:08
You say forgiveness doesn't work, because they don't deserve it. Forgiveness is a choice and a process (sometimes takes years), and it is for *you*, not them. It is well worth it in the long run. When you're wronged there should be restitution and justice, but that doesn't mean there shouldn't be forgiveness. It is a long process. Believe me, I've been there, and it nearly tore me apart. One thing that probably helps me is my faith "If Christ has forgiven me, who am I not to forgive them? I certainly haven't done anything that would merit Christ's forgiveness." Everytime this person would cross my conciousness, which aroused anger in me, I used that as a cue to say to myself "I CHOOSE to forgive them." It's an act of the will, not of feeling. Eventually the feelings come.
As far as meds go, have you ever tried Depakote? It seems to be the drug of choice for anger. It's definitely worked for my adolescent nephew with dysphoric mania. Last year at this time my sister and her family were in fear for their lives because his angry outbursts were so bad. He would think one of his parents said something that they didn't and go ballistic.
Another possibility is to find one person that agrees to let you rant to them in person; then make a contract with yourself only to rant to that person. Our son has ADHD, has a strong sense of justice and can get really angry on impulse. He is in the USMC and everyone knows that not much is ever fair in that environment. So we've told him that instead of getting himself in trouble with superiors or peers, to call us and rant all he wants (no swearing). Then we ask him to think through what the person(s) on the other side of the conflict might have been thinking and what the details of their situation were. Then he can go lift weights until he drops. We've also talked to him about forgiveness, but I don't think he's figured out the value of it yet. He's beginning to understand that it's to his advantage to manage his anger. He's gotten promotions rather than being busted down a rank or two. One time he said he wanted to bash a superior officer in the face. If he would have acted on his impulse he would have been in the brig. He's 21 now, but got kicked out of two high schools when younger because of his angry outbursts. Now he's out in the field and can't call us, so I hope he's keeping what he's learned in mind.
Another thought - we are so brainwashed in our culture to think we are entitled to this or entitled to that. At points I've had to deliberately tell myself that I'm not entitled to anything. If I want something I need to start giving of myself - especially to those that are undeserving. By giving, I end up with peace and more than I could ever ask for. BTW, I am far from perfect (just ask my Hubby). We are all works in progress.
You are courageous to bring this topic up and I wish you the best.
Blessings,
Chris A.
Posted by 2sense on April 20, 2002, at 17:31:43
In reply to Re: How do i stop being angry? » LiLi80, posted by Chris A. on April 20, 2002, at 16:38:17
Chris --
Good post. Forgiveness is for the person -- the secular medical establishment even encourages it -- perhaps not in the same terms but it is letting go -- and in letting go you're not letter the offender get away with it -- you the offendee just don't have to hurt or be bitter. All of this is easier said than done especially when you figure in that justice isn't something that happens a lot now a days AND when the person who has offended you will not take responsibility let alone make ammends and reconcile -- well if that person is a spouse or close friend or relative -- that can be very difficult to work through.
Just my 2sense (Sue)
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