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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ELA on March 4, 2002, at 11:35:50
Since coming out of therapy, I've had to come back to the family home with my parents as I am taking sone time out of university for now. Things with my parents have never been particularly good and now they're even worse.
They simply don't understand a lot of what's been going on with me and they're extremely judgemental and worried that people are going to judge them about things. I've told them so many times that they won't but nothing I or the family therapist says seems to make any difference.
The group I'm having my therapy with all say that I need to get away from them and start doing things for me for once. I'm hesitant as they are my family and I have an 11 year old brother to worry about as well. However, the guys in group all said that it's about time I worried about myself as I spend too much time worrying about everyone else.
I have to admit that things are generally ok when they're not around as I feel that they are always pressurising me to do things and just pull myself together (their words). One idea I have had is to go and find a live-in nanny job somewhere and get away from them properly. Just don't know what to do.
Am feeling a bit better today, just very tired all the time. I'm just sick and tired of them expecting me to just get over this thing quickly.
Posted by trouble on March 5, 2002, at 4:47:24
In reply to parents - the eternal battle, posted by ELA on March 4, 2002, at 11:35:50
Well ELA you certainly summed it up in your post, the eternal battle, it doesn't end, not even after they die.
Can I ask a few questions, just to get a conceptual framework for your situation?
What are you studying at the university?
Do you plan to return?
Are your parents paying for school?
When you say you "had" to come back home, was there a crises or something going on in the family, or were you just playing fast and loose w/ your grammar?I think your group has a handle on your circumstances when they advise you to get out. People who are judgemental and who live in fear of social stigma make it impossible to be yourself around, the eggshell effect of living in that kind of environment can undo thousands of dollars worth of therapy, the work we do to accept who we are is just wiped out when our parents are running that kind of script on us. I know you feel responsible, b/c you can see what they need, but IMHO nothing you can do will help them to relax, they don't feel safe, and as you say, nothing anyone does can penetrate their armor.
Last question:
> Am feeling a bit better today, just very tired all the time. I'm just sick and tired of them expecting me to just get over this thing quickly.
Who do you mean by "them"? Your parents or your therapeutic community? I ask this b/c if the latter I hope I don't come across as pressuring you similarly w/ my pointed inquiries. My mom has been dead for over a decade and I'm still launching plans to help her heal her life. No it's not something a daughter gets over, much less quickly.
You have a right to develop at your own pace (this is a favorite mantra w/ me, though easier to apply to others than my own impatient and slothful self).
keep in touch,
trouble
Posted by ELA on March 5, 2002, at 5:04:26
In reply to Re: parents - the eternal battle, posted by trouble on March 5, 2002, at 4:47:24
> What are you studying at the university?
> Do you plan to return?
> Are your parents paying for school?
> When you say you "had" to come back home, was there a crises or something going on in the family, or were you just playing fast and loose w/ your grammar?
>
> Last question:> Who do you mean by "them"? Your parents or your therapeutic community?
>
Hi trouble,thanx for your post, it made a lot of sense. In answer to the above questions:
I am studying Primary Teaching at university, I want to teach kids between the ages of 3 and 8.
I don't know if I will go back to uni or not yet. I have been having doubts about teaching as a profession for some time and my illness has only added to this.
In England you have to pay £1000 tuition fees at uni and my parents and myself pay that between us. I also have to pay rent and have a student loan to do so.
I said I have to go back to the family home as I have nowhere else to go basically. I could stay with friends for a while but it would only be a temporary solution.
By "them" I mean my parents. My therapy group are great; we are really close and I have been offered places to stay by every one of them. They all understand exactly what I'm going through as they are going through it as well. My parents don't understand and see everything as a personal attack on them, they're a nightmare. They still treat me loke a 10 year old (I'm 21 in May) and I'm fed up with it. Relations with them have never been particularly good and they have used my illness as a way to try and get control back over my life. I'm not impressed!
They are putting a lot of pressure on me at the moment to "snap out of it" and go back to uni, which I simply don't want to do at the moment. They have always judged everyone on what qualifications they have and they want me to go back to uni because they approve of it, regardless of what I might want to do.
Anyway, I hope that clears some things up for you. Sorry to rave on a bit but I had to let off some steam about them!!! Keep in touch.
Emma.
Posted by KB on March 5, 2002, at 8:40:52
In reply to parents - the eternal battle, posted by ELA on March 4, 2002, at 11:35:50
It sounds like getting away from them would be helpful - you don't need any extra stress right now. Are there any residences that provide housing for people with mental illnesses where you are? Here there are a variety of programs from group housing to individual apartments called "supportive housing" where there's a case manager in the building or on call to help in a crisis.
Posted by fi on March 5, 2002, at 11:55:52
In reply to parents - the eternal battle, posted by ELA on March 4, 2002, at 11:35:50
Couple of thoughts (not saying they are *good* ideas, but just in case)..
1. Where to stay
Why not go and stay with friends, as a temporary thing, until you feel a bit better?
This has the big advantages of being away from parents and being with someone you know (better than living alone or in a live-in job, at the moment anyway).
You can also look for a flatshare or something while you are there, if you want to. And check with a social worker (or GP or CPN if you dont have one) re what housing if any they can find you (tho there's likely to be v little if anything).You aren't responsible for your brother, and anyway cant take that on at the moment as you need all your strength for yourself. Make sure whatever profs are involved know you are concerned about him, too.
2. The parents
Easiest to leave them to stew! *If* there is anyone they will listen to who has a realistic perception of what you are going thru and what would be helpful, suggest they talk to them. If they have a 'traditional' outlook, this might be someone like the GP or psychiatrist (they are probably dismissive of therapy and therefore therapists). Or if you have a relative they listen to who understands.Fingers crossed and wishing you well as always,
Fi
Posted by LiLi80 on March 5, 2002, at 21:27:41
In reply to parents - the eternal battle, posted by ELA on March 4, 2002, at 11:35:50
Get out while you still can! Dont worry about your brother he's too young to understand what they do to you. Move to another state, anything! just get out, if you dont, you will just get sucked in even more. Ask yourself this , would most of your problems and why you get upset and depressed go away if your parents werent around constantly? You need to establish yourself as an individual. not as a sub-human part of them. You are not an attachment of them, or the younger version. I dont know how old you are but it doesnt matter. You will always be a little kid in their eyes. The only way to stop the cycle is to go away for awhile and come back fresh and older and wiser and more confidant. Once they see this new you, they will treat you different maybe even as an equal (i shudder to think !) Ok maybe my own life with my parents came into this speel. I'll shut up now. But this happened to my sister and me. Once my sister moved out and had her own life, she wasnt a little kid anymore. of course i still live with them :(
Posted by Fi on March 6, 2002, at 6:25:03
In reply to parents - the eternal battle, posted by ELA on March 4, 2002, at 11:35:50
Not sure if its worth the hassle, but another thing you can do is print off relevent info and give it them eg
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/campaigns/cminds/leaflets/dep/depression.htm (specifically aimed at changing attitudes to depression, and also from the Royal College of Psychiatrists, if they are impressed by traditional authority sources..)or
http://195.13.121.137/mhf/html/content/bkdepress.cfm
Fi
Posted by christophrejmc on March 6, 2002, at 13:43:29
In reply to parents - the eternal battle, posted by ELA on March 4, 2002, at 11:35:50
I agree with the others -- you need to concentrate on yourself and try to get out of there. Perhaps you could stay with friends temporarily to see if it helps being away... My parents and I don't really get along; although they "mean well" and sometimes try to "help," I never realised how miserable they made me until I spent a month away from them. Unfortunately, I don't have the resources needed to move out.
If you move somewhere close, you can still see your brother. Later in his life he might feel the same way about your parents and he can use your place to get away from them for a few days.
-chris
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