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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sar on October 10, 2001, at 1:24:43
so i'm on the telephone with my wrong-side-of-the-tracks friend that i met in the psych ward over the summer, and i'm asking that he score me enough heroin for 6 people, when finally he gets to the root of the matter and suggests that we off oursleves together with a gun. i'm in the middle of explaining to him that i belive suicide is a solo mission and that i want an easy drug-induced death rather than blood and guts, whem my friend rolls up in her new car and we spend the evening shopping at the mall, and i buy i skirt even though i think that next week i'll let this psych-ward friend of mine score me enough drugs to die, and this isn't a message of alrm but rather, do you often feel this way?--here i am depositing my checks, brushing my teeth, clocking in; here i am with a great boyfriend and painting my toenails and buying new undeez but i want o DIE DIE DIE, and what is to become of me?
lying in bed forever is too boring.
do i stay or should i go...do i up my dose of neurontin, do i do this or that, i don't want my life to be a jigsaw mystery-solver when i used to have so many other pursuits...in grade 5 i was so psyched about life that i's shower and dress at night before i wnt to bed, so that in the morning i could just pop up and walk a mile to school to happily do my early-morning duty of being a safety-guard.
what happens to the teenage brain?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
oh
oh so dramaticLLY YRS,SAR
Posted by Kristi on October 10, 2001, at 1:58:27
In reply to vacillation and weirdness, posted by sar on October 10, 2001, at 1:24:43
Sar,
You are so down to earth... so in tune with your feelings and others.... that we, especially I need you here!!!!! I'm sorry your going thru so much pain... it just totally sucks!!!
Definately talk to your pdoc.. something needs to be adjusted!
Your a great, smart one.... you'll be fine. Keep shopping at that mall...... wish we lived closer to each other.... keep an eye on each other. I'm always here if your need a shoulder. I wish I can help with the pain. I can say all the things that are said in a time like this, but from personal experience, it goes it one ear and out the other. But from all your posts,,, yes, you have some major depression issues... but you also showed me you have such a zest for life. Life is meant for people like that.... so I believe your time will come. I just have this vibe that you will end up being one of those "happy" people some day... I just feel it.
Please feel better..... your too good of a person to feel this way. It always seems to be that way. Please keep posting babe.... reading your posts make my day. Except for maybe this one. Get a good nights sleep and post for me tomarrow, just to check on you.... make sure your okay. Love ya kiddo, Kristi
> so i'm on the telephone with my wrong-side-of-the-tracks friend that i met in the psych ward over the summer, and i'm asking that he score me enough heroin for 6 people, when finally he gets to the root of the matter and suggests that we off oursleves together with a gun. i'm in the middle of explaining to him that i belive suicide is a solo mission and that i want an easy drug-induced death rather than blood and guts, whem my friend rolls up in her new car and we spend the evening shopping at the mall, and i buy i skirt even though i think that next week i'll let this psych-ward friend of mine score me enough drugs to die, and this isn't a message of alrm but rather, do you often feel this way?--here i am depositing my checks, brushing my teeth, clocking in; here i am with a great boyfriend and painting my toenails and buying new undeez but i want o DIE DIE DIE, and what is to become of me?
>
> lying in bed forever is too boring.
>
> do i stay or should i go...do i up my dose of neurontin, do i do this or that, i don't want my life to be a jigsaw mystery-solver when i used to have so many other pursuits...in grade 5 i was so psyched about life that i's shower and dress at night before i wnt to bed, so that in the morning i could just pop up and walk a mile to school to happily do my early-morning duty of being a safety-guard.
>
> what happens to the teenage brain?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
>
> oh
> oh so dramaticLLY YRS,
>
> SAR
Posted by juliedealer on October 10, 2001, at 9:21:55
In reply to Re: vacillation and weirdness » sar, posted by Kristi on October 10, 2001, at 1:58:27
Somewhere in the back of my mind is always a plan, just waiting for the time when the black hole gets just a little deeper. But I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and the plan is always there.
julie
Posted by mair on October 10, 2001, at 10:49:15
In reply to I feel the same way ..., posted by juliedealer on October 10, 2001, at 9:21:55
> Sar - maybe it's the fact that I'm about twice your age, I think, that makes me want to mother you every time I read your posts. Kristi's right - beneath the veneer of quiet misery, you really are pretty grounded, and much too valuable to all of us here for you to even think about leaving.
Unfortunately, I know all too much exactly what you're describing. I've gone from basically deciding that I should kill myself, to making long range plans all pretty much in the same thought sequence. And the irony does occur to me, like "why are you thinking about next month when you're not going to be here." Sounds like you do need a meds adjustment. It sounds like you also need to keep going to the mall.
Mair
Posted by sar on October 10, 2001, at 10:57:37
In reply to vacillation and weirdness, posted by sar on October 10, 2001, at 1:24:43
i just woke up from a really hard sleep, i think i was grinding my teeth extra hard, and i just wanted to write DELETE DELETE DELETE! i was kind of 3 sheets to the wind while posting that, i'm not really looking for any answers, if we all didn't feel that way we wouldn't be posting on psb.
i think i just felt like posting something.
bjork is singing to me this morning and i've got my tea, i've dumped the a.m.'s 5 pills down the hatch and had some juice, i'm still around, i will still put on my shoes later.
yesterday was difficult because of the suicide propositions and also in the morning i was sentenced to 2 yrs probation and several thousand dollars worth of fines (all the money i've saved to replace what i lost in the housefire last year) and i thought i'd have to get some sort of sleazy job in a strip club to make all the money up real fast but this morning i just realized BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE, i don't have to work if i can duke it out with the folks for a couple more months, i can take loans out for college, i can live with simple things, like the good taoist i am supposed to be.
so in conclusion i've responded to my own questions, i don't *have* to work! my psychological condition is too precarious to risk on material things.
i think i needed to post this and embarrass myself publicly to work some of it out.
ramblin' sar
Posted by Roo on October 10, 2001, at 11:13:40
In reply to Re: vacillation and weirdness, posted by sar on October 10, 2001, at 10:57:37
Sar--I like you. I think you are one cool chick.
I'm glad you came to this board. You are quite
the bright spot, even when you're being dark. What
a great quality. I always read your posts and smile.
You are so right...BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE. Sometimes
I think the secret to enlightenment just lies in something
as simple as our breath. The way it just comes and sustains
us without us having to think about it.
Keep on keepin on, cool chick, even when you're tangled
up in blue.
Posted by Willow on October 10, 2001, at 11:43:54
In reply to Re: vacillation and weirdness, posted by sar on October 10, 2001, at 10:57:37
> yesterday was difficult because of the suicide propositions and also in the morning i was sentenced to 2 yrs probation and several thousand dollars worth of fines
Sar I have three questions. What do you think would have been an appropriate sentence and fine for the crime committted? What type of sentencing do you think would have really acted as a deterrant for you not to find yourself in a similar situation or what "action" would have this effect? And third, do you see any correlation between your mood yesterday and the events that happened?
The reason for my third question is that I've noticed for myself when something appears overwhelming is when the suicidal thoughts would appear. By accepting responsibility for my actions and thoughts and acknowledging them and finally putting my efforts towards looking for productive answers I've been able to squash them more swiftly.
> i think i needed to post this and embarrass myself publicly to work some of it out.
Nothing embarrassing about it. Sometimes just having a friend to listen helps us to solve our problems, thinking aloud.
Whispering Willow
Posted by susan C on October 10, 2001, at 11:51:54
In reply to Re: vacillation and weirdness » sar, posted by Kristi on October 10, 2001, at 1:58:27
You were a crossing guard too!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was the first girl they ever chose to be a crossing guard at my elementary school 1961 8:o)
Yes, what does happend to the brain at about age 12?
My husband is permanently stuck there, permanently (except when he has a flu bug) happy.
I was shocked when I first thought of suicide...then the third, fourth, fifth, etc... and then Dr commented and I could see it is a sign...if I watch close enough before-during (ha!) and -as i move away from it, I can see the sequence is the same going in and (in reverse) coming out.
I don't think I would ever do it...There are too many people who love me, and I know how it felt for me after my brother. I think people make a decision at one point or another...maybe it gets to the point were it is like a scary movie, where you have seen it enough times you know what is going to happen next, and even though your adrenalin is rushing, there is a part of you that goes, ah, so what...then the girl gets away and kisses the boy at the end...
As a friend here once said, and I hope he doesn't mind that I quote him, anony-mouse-ly
'I know the times when it seems as if there is no escape except to end the pain. Then, after a time, you rise out of that doldrum and realize from a different view the beauties in life, albeit not perfect. My conclusion, the world is a better place with a wounded me than w/o me at all.'
your babbling mouse
susan C
>
>
>
>
> Sar,
> You are so down to earth... so in tune with your feelings and others.... that we, especially I need you here!!!!! I'm sorry your going thru so much pain... it just totally sucks!!!
> Definately talk to your pdoc.. something needs to be adjusted!
> Your a great, smart one.... you'll be fine. Keep shopping at that mall...... wish we lived closer to each other.... keep an eye on each other. I'm always here if your need a shoulder. I wish I can help with the pain. I can say all the things that are said in a time like this, but from personal experience, it goes it one ear and out the other. But from all your posts,,, yes, you have some major depression issues... but you also showed me you have such a zest for life. Life is meant for people like that.... so I believe your time will come. I just have this vibe that you will end up being one of those "happy" people some day... I just feel it.
> Please feel better..... your too good of a person to feel this way. It always seems to be that way. Please keep posting babe.... reading your posts make my day. Except for maybe this one. Get a good nights sleep and post for me tomarrow, just to check on you.... make sure your okay. Love ya kiddo, Kristi
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > so i'm on the telephone with my wrong-side-of-the-tracks friend that i met in the psych ward over the summer, and i'm asking that he score me enough heroin for 6 people, when finally he gets to the root of the matter and suggests that we off oursleves together with a gun. i'm in the middle of explaining to him that i belive suicide is a solo mission and that i want an easy drug-induced death rather than blood and guts, whem my friend rolls up in her new car and we spend the evening shopping at the mall, and i buy i skirt even though i think that next week i'll let this psych-ward friend of mine score me enough drugs to die, and this isn't a message of alrm but rather, do you often feel this way?--here i am depositing my checks, brushing my teeth, clocking in; here i am with a great boyfriend and painting my toenails and buying new undeez but i want o DIE DIE DIE, and what is to become of me?
> >
> > lying in bed forever is too boring.
> >
> > do i stay or should i go...do i up my dose of neurontin, do i do this or that, i don't want my life to be a jigsaw mystery-solver when i used to have so many other pursuits...in grade 5 i was so psyched about life that i's shower and dress at night before i wnt to bed, so that in the morning i could just pop up and walk a mile to school to happily do my early-morning duty of being a safety-guard.
> >
> > what happens to the teenage brain?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
> >
> > oh
> > oh so dramaticLLY YRS,
> >
> > SAR
Posted by Marie1 on October 10, 2001, at 18:57:28
In reply to vacillation and weirdness, posted by sar on October 10, 2001, at 1:24:43
How best to write this and not come across as "preachy" or holier than thou?
First, let me say I totally understand drinking as self medicating. (I have a friend who refers to alcohol, pot, cocaine, etc. as "neuro-modifiers" - cute, huh :-).) I drank because it lifted me from that horrible pit of depression. Later, when meds kicked in, I drank because it was social, it was fun, I liked the effects, my friends did, my husband did, etc., etc. I only stopped drinking in early June, mostly because I viewed it as a dare from my pdoc, who really didn't think I'd be able to. Once I stopped, after several weeks, I realized several things: I felt better, looked better, and THOUGHT better. Even though I'm technically "in remission" from depression, those horrible sad, black, depressing thoughts would always come after a night of drinking.
Sar, when I read your post, I knew you were 3 sheets to the wind when you wrote it, because you posted that above somewhere. Those are some sad, black and depressing thoughts you had. Alcohol talking, but it can't just be discounted because you were under the influence. I know you know that's one of the most insidious things about alcohol - it changes our thoughts and provides us with the psuedo-bravery to do things we wouldn't otherwise do. My brother killed himself while under the influence of alcohol and drugs in 1997. Which isn't to say it wasn't intentional; it was. He left a journal making that very clear. He wasn't normally much of a drinker and I think he got loaded first to give him the courage he needed to OD.
You know, I really have a problem giving unsolicited advice. Especially since I'm no expert. But I really think, Sar, if you quit drinking, your life might not seem as bleak as you sometimes make it out to be. And too, the urge to harm yourself might abate and you won't be putting yourself in a position where your thoughts are black and off kilter, and you do something that may be irrevocable.
Julie, I hope you don't mind my putting your name in the subject line. I apologise if you are offended, but I thought you could relate.Marie
> so i'm on the telephone with my wrong-side-of-the-tracks friend that i met in the psych ward over the summer, and i'm asking that he score me enough heroin for 6 people, when finally he gets to the root of the matter and suggests that we off oursleves together with a gun. i'm in the middle of explaining to him that i belive suicide is a solo mission and that i want an easy drug-induced death rather than blood and guts, whem my friend rolls up in her new car and we spend the evening shopping at the mall, and i buy i skirt even though i think that next week i'll let this psych-ward friend of mine score me enough drugs to die, and this isn't a message of alrm but rather, do you often feel this way?--here i am depositing my checks, brushing my teeth, clocking in; here i am with a great boyfriend and painting my toenails and buying new undeez but i want o DIE DIE DIE, and what is to become of me?
>
> lying in bed forever is too boring.
>
> do i stay or should i go...do i up my dose of neurontin, do i do this or that, i don't want my life to be a jigsaw mystery-solver when i used to have so many other pursuits...in grade 5 i was so psyched about life that i's shower and dress at night before i wnt to bed, so that in the morning i could just pop up and walk a mile to school to happily do my early-morning duty of being a safety-guard.
>
> what happens to the teenage brain?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
>
> oh
> oh so dramaticLLY YRS,
>
> SAR
Posted by shelliR on October 10, 2001, at 21:35:36
In reply to Re: vacillation and weirdness, posted by sar on October 10, 2001, at 10:57:37
Sar, along the lines of offering advice when not asked...
You are alive and wonderful. I'm gonna put myself on the line and disagree with Kristi (but not because I don't think she is wise).
I don't think that meds are going to be the *whole* answer for you. I think you need someone to help you channel your creative energy between living on the edge and going to the mall. This hurt inside of you that threatens your existance, perhaps by suicide, more likely by alcoholism needs to come to the surface. It needs to be understood, grieved, and put into perspective. So you can move on.
Moving on doesn't mean you will become "normal". Moving on means you will have some more choices about your feelings and about your life. I don't think that you're going to lose any of your specialness. Both your pain and the little girl who got dressed the night before for her safety post might learn to live together, and the synergy between the two, will only make you more creative, in my opinion.
Today you got hit with a large fine. I know that's hard (really). But what if you had killed some little kid? That would have been so much harder because I don't know if you could have forgiven yourself. That's the good part about being "normal." or more accurately figuring out "being-you-in-the-world". Discovering who you are and how to use that power. Anne Sexton was not normal, but my guess is that in the moment in which she killed herself, she was not feeling very romantic about that fact. She gave up her talent, her kids, her partner, her life. So I guess that's why I think (and everyone else on this board) is pushing for you to get more help (better meds, stop drinking, whatever).
Maybe when your insurance reopens you can sign on and start therapy again. But this time, maybe sober.
(end of lecture.)
Shelli
Posted by Wendy B. on October 10, 2001, at 22:46:33
In reply to vacillation and weirdness, posted by sar on October 10, 2001, at 1:24:43
oh, shit, sar, while everybody's on your case...
seriously, though. when i read the initial post, i thought:
1) she's drunk, and don't worry about it, she'll feel better in the morning, then:
2) she's drunk, and you better worry about it, cuz she hasn't even begun to stop, and maybe she'll score the H and off herself while she's drunk, no inhibitions...
3) she's not drunk and you really better start worrying.in each scenario i had to second-guess the situation, and i didn't much like it...
each time this happens, you get a lot of people jumping up and down and, as for me, pulling my hair out (not literally, but you know what i mean). what happens if/when you post something like that one day, and then we never hear from you again... what are we gonna do with that, huh?
and this is not to say: *don't* post when you're drunk, or don't post when you're ready to give it all up on living... because you need and deserve support. i just don't know when to *really* start worrying, and feel a little (eensy-weenie bit) jerked around...
sorry, what should i think? and don't tell me to stop worrying, cuz it's what i'm built to do, being half eye-talian... the other half bastard...
love ya,
W.
ps: and to you, too, susan -- i was the FIRST captain of the FIRST safety guard ever at our school! (miss privitera, if you're there, reading this, yes, it's me, wendy...) i had a very cool day-glo orange across-the-shoulder, clasp-at-the-waist belt, signifying my guard status. AND a silver 'captain' badge, which i had to give up after the first quarter, because they weren't going to let me be captain forever (cuz i'd *still* be doing it at age 41!), we had to vote on a new captain each marking-period, well, why hadn't they told me that before? just imagine my disappointment... one of many over the span of my little life...
> so i'm on the telephone with my wrong-side-of-the-tracks friend that i met in the psych ward over the summer, and i'm asking that he score me enough heroin for 6 people, when finally he gets to the root of the matter and suggests that we off oursleves together with a gun. i'm in the middle of explaining to him that i belive suicide is a solo mission and that i want an easy drug-induced death rather than blood and guts, whem my friend rolls up in her new car and we spend the evening shopping at the mall, and i buy i skirt even though i think that next week i'll let this psych-ward friend of mine score me enough drugs to die, and this isn't a message of alrm but rather, do you often feel this way?--here i am depositing my checks, brushing my teeth, clocking in; here i am with a great boyfriend and painting my toenails and buying new undeez but i want o DIE DIE DIE, and what is to become of me?
>
> lying in bed forever is too boring.
>
> do i stay or should i go...do i up my dose of neurontin, do i do this or that, i don't want my life to be a jigsaw mystery-solver when i used to have so many other pursuits...in grade 5 i was so psyched about life that i's shower and dress at night before i wnt to bed, so that in the morning i could just pop up and walk a mile to school to happily do my early-morning duty of being a safety-guard.
>
> what happens to the teenage brain?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
>
> oh
> oh so dramaticLLY YRS,
>
> SAR
Posted by Kristi on October 11, 2001, at 12:40:39
In reply to Re: vacillation and weirdness » sar, posted by shelliR on October 10, 2001, at 21:35:36
Shelli,
How exactly to you disagree with me???? It sounds the opposite. The post above was to help her thru the night, not her life.
> Sar, along the lines of offering advice when not asked...
>
> You are alive and wonderful. I'm gonna put myself on the line and disagree with Kristi (but not because I don't think she is wise).
>
> I don't think that meds are going to be the *whole* answer for you. I think you need someone to help you channel your creative energy between living on the edge and going to the mall. This hurt inside of you that threatens your existance, perhaps by suicide, more likely by alcoholism needs to come to the surface. It needs to be understood, grieved, and put into perspective. So you can move on.
>
> Moving on doesn't mean you will become "normal". Moving on means you will have some more choices about your feelings and about your life. I don't think that you're going to lose any of your specialness. Both your pain and the little girl who got dressed the night before for her safety post might learn to live together, and the synergy between the two, will only make you more creative, in my opinion.
>
> Today you got hit with a large fine. I know that's hard (really). But what if you had killed some little kid? That would have been so much harder because I don't know if you could have forgiven yourself. That's the good part about being "normal." or more accurately figuring out "being-you-in-the-world". Discovering who you are and how to use that power. Anne Sexton was not normal, but my guess is that in the moment in which she killed herself, she was not feeling very romantic about that fact. She gave up her talent, her kids, her partner, her life. So I guess that's why I think (and everyone else on this board) is pushing for you to get more help (better meds, stop drinking, whatever).
>
> Maybe when your insurance reopens you can sign on and start therapy again. But this time, maybe sober.
>
> (end of lecture.)
>
> Shelli
Posted by shelliR on October 11, 2001, at 16:51:52
In reply to Re: vacillation and weirdness-shelli, posted by Kristi on October 11, 2001, at 12:40:39
> Shelli,
> How exactly to you disagree with me???? It sounds the opposite. The post above was to help her thru the night, not her life.
>
Kristi.Kristi,
Sorry I was not clear. I meant only I disagreed about medication being the answer. But when I went back and read your post, that was only one of your many suggestions. And you're right; our posts are more alike than different. :-)My mistake.
take care,
Shelli
Posted by Cass on October 13, 2001, at 17:56:23
In reply to vacillation and weirdness, posted by sar on October 10, 2001, at 1:24:43
Sar, I hope it's not insensitive of me to change the subject, but you are a great writer!! Try to direct your energy into writing and getting published. No joke. You need to be heard and appreciated beyond Psychobabble.
This is the end of the thread.
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