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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AKC on August 4, 2001, at 15:22:49
I'm feeling somewhat alone this afternoon. Has to do with hurting a friend's feelings this past week. We were out to dinner on Tuesday, and I was being interrupted in conversation for the I don't know how many time. So I interrupted back and asked if I could finish my story. She had a look of shock on her face. Then, as we stood outside, I was stretching my calf muscle, and she started giving me stretching advice. Now realize, I am severely over-weight. You would no more realize that once I use to be a very athletic person. And this friend started giving me unwanted, unasked for advice. And I cut her off. Again, a look of shock on her face -- like how dare I. Since then, she has not returned my emails, nor my phone calls. So it has saddened me. I was not rude in how I did this. In fact, I was quite polite. But it makes me feel lonely, because I don't have many friends, and I can't believe that something like this would hurt our friendship. I was just trying to keep good boundaries. To know me is to know that I haven't had many close friends the past decade or so, because I have had such brick walls that I would not let anyone near. But in learning how to have new friendships, I also know that I don't want to go to the other extreme and just let people get away with anything -- like rudely interrupting my telling of a story, or always feeling like they can tell me how to do something -- like they know more than I do. I am torn on what to do now. I am pretty certain that I did not do anything wrong, so I don't want to give an impropery apology. But she may think I did, especially given her expressions when I behaved at the time as I did - and given her response since.
Any thoughts?
A confused hounddog.
Posted by susan C on August 4, 2001, at 18:23:56
In reply to A friend pulls away, posted by AKC on August 4, 2001, at 15:22:49
Dear AKC,
Sounds like time for Ann Landers (:0)) I remember when I was working a small business with my partner, who was the kind of person who avoided confrontation. I, however, when well, actively persue it. I discovered sometimes these two things did not go together. I was the office manager and when i said, we need to talk, she would get all worried...was something reallly wrong, was I mad at her? For some reason, the way I said it and the words I used, upset her. She finally brought it up, and I said, absolutely not, we just needed to talk about some logistics in the office...so we agreed, when I had something to discuss, I would say, 'we need to talk about counting paperclips'Another situation I remember being in, the person said to me, 'this is not an excuse, this is an explanation of why I did/said what I did/said.' I though the careful use of the different words for why he behaved the way he did were very helpful in helping me understand something that had upset both of us.
Maybe think about other times you have been together and does she do the same thing, and this time you noticed it? I have had this experience and I realize I really needed to end the friendship, as the person or I were feeding a nonproductive relationship.
Now, this is starting another train of thought: I was talking to my younger brother and he commented he was giving me advice, and I said, that was ok, cause usually I was the one tell him what to do. But afterwards, I realized he was telling me what to do and I felt judged. This all happened at a time when I was swinging into deep depression and I was in trouble. It is the whole thing of people telling you to 'buck up you'll get better' This is an illness for heavens sake, like I lost my arm. It won't come back. I have to deal with it being gone, not expecting it will come back like the sun coming out after the rain. My spouse and I agreed that I shouldn't talk with my brother, especially in the afternoon when I am beginning to get really tired. That I shouldn't answer the phone, and only call people back when I feel strong enough.
My mom almost got into this catagory, commenting on a wonderful person (we both new from when I was growing up) who even though being a wheel chair went to Washington DC and did all this wonderful things...I was saying to myself: it isn't the same when you cant think straight and your emotions are on the wire.
Later, she asked if she could come to pdoc appt with me. I usually avoid getting into detail as she is the one who suffered through my dad's depression and her son/my older brother's schizo and suicide. She is 82, sharp, 2 master degrees in psych (though 60-70's) and I said I wouldn't mind, (I really wouldn't) and I explained there probably wouldn't be enough time as it was only a med check for 30 min, and if it was for her to learn more about bp, I could send her a book, moodswings, that I had put notes in. When I called her a couple days after she would have gotten it, she was already 1/3 of the way through and said it really helped her understand some of what I was dealing with and boy had things in the field changed. That really helped me. I felt very cared for, that my mom did that.
I am not asking her to fix me, and I think that is what my younger bro was trying to do, fix me. A friend suggested family members might feel guilty because they didn't get the gene and you did and they are trying to figure out how to make you better.
Now I really am rambling. I hope you are feeling better. I appreciate having this board. It is like having friends available in the living room to talk to anytime I choose. It has also helped me to write out all of these observations and respond. Even though I probably couldn't put my thoughts together if you called me on the phone, I can edit it them in this post and they come out half coherent.
Good Dog. Go fetch. pat-pat-pat
> I'm feeling somewhat alone this afternoon. Has to do with hurting a friend's feelings this past week. We were out to dinner on Tuesday, and I was being interrupted in conversation for the I don't know how many time. So I interrupted back and asked if I could finish my story. She had a look of shock on her face. Then, as we stood outside, I was stretching my calf muscle, and she started giving me stretching advice. Now realize, I am severely over-weight. You would no more realize that once I use to be a very athletic person. And this friend started giving me unwanted, unasked for advice. And I cut her off. Again, a look of shock on her face -- like how dare I. Since then, she has not returned my emails, nor my phone calls. So it has saddened me. I was not rude in how I did this. In fact, I was quite polite. But it makes me feel lonely, because I don't have many friends, and I can't believe that something like this would hurt our friendship. I was just trying to keep good boundaries. To know me is to know that I haven't had many close friends the past decade or so, because I have had such brick walls that I would not let anyone near. But in learning how to have new friendships, I also know that I don't want to go to the other extreme and just let people get away with anything -- like rudely interrupting my telling of a story, or always feeling like they can tell me how to do something -- like they know more than I do. I am torn on what to do now. I am pretty certain that I did not do anything wrong, so I don't want to give an impropery apology. But she may think I did, especially given her expressions when I behaved at the time as I did - and given her response since.
>
> Any thoughts?
>
> A confused hounddog.
Posted by Kristi on August 5, 2001, at 15:12:15
In reply to A friend pulls away, posted by AKC on August 4, 2001, at 15:22:49
I know what your going thru. I have problems on two counts.
Would I love to hear people's responses to this one! I am the type of person.. that has a lot of friends(probably too many) that come to me with their problems, I listen , give advice, and keep it to myself. If I ever have a problem I'd like to talk about.... they may listen for a minute.... but it then pretty quickly turns to them.
And I also am interuppted all the time... from another set of friends, and most of my family... like what I say doesn't matter... and if I say anything(point it out) I'm the bad guy. I get walked over no matter where I go. Oh well, I'll accept it.... cuz I love my friends....
frustrating.
> I'm feeling somewhat alone this afternoon. Has to do with hurting a friend's feelings this past week. We were out to dinner on Tuesday, and I was being interrupted in conversation for the I don't know how many time. So I interrupted back and asked if I could finish my story. She had a look of shock on her face. Then, as we stood outside, I was stretching my calf muscle, and she started giving me stretching advice. Now realize, I am severely over-weight. You would no more realize that once I use to be a very athletic person. And this friend started giving me unwanted, unasked for advice. And I cut her off. Again, a look of shock on her face -- like how dare I. Since then, she has not returned my emails, nor my phone calls. So it has saddened me. I was not rude in how I did this. In fact, I was quite polite. But it makes me feel lonely, because I don't have many friends, and I can't believe that something like this would hurt our friendship. I was just trying to keep good boundaries. To know me is to know that I haven't had many close friends the past decade or so, because I have had such brick walls that I would not let anyone near. But in learning how to have new friendships, I also know that I don't want to go to the other extreme and just let people get away with anything -- like rudely interrupting my telling of a story, or always feeling like they can tell me how to do something -- like they know more than I do. I am torn on what to do now. I am pretty certain that I did not do anything wrong, so I don't want to give an impropery apology. But she may think I did, especially given her expressions when I behaved at the time as I did - and given her response since.
>
> Any thoughts?
>
> A confused hounddog.
Posted by Gracie2 on August 5, 2001, at 16:16:30
In reply to Re: A friend pulls away, posted by susan C on August 4, 2001, at 18:23:56
I had a friend who was pretty much the same way. She was always giving un-asked for advice and constantly interrupting me because she knew more about every subject in existence than anyone else in the world. She was constantly correcting and judging me. Even worse, she decided that we were in competition. If I bought a car, she bought a more expensive car. If I went to Florida on vacation, she would go to the Bahamas on her next vacation. Although she herself did not have a job, she enjoyed reminding me that she did not have to work because her husband made so much money. Finally, some of my other friends asked me, "WHY do you put up with that?"Oddly, I had never asked myself this question before. I guess I was so used to her acting that way - we had known each other since grade school -
that I didn't realize how obnoxious she really was, although I knew that I avoided her phone calls and dreaded her visits.I finally decided that if a friendship causes more pain than enjoyment, it simply isn't worth the trouble. My friend was shocked and horrified when I "dumped" her, which made me feel guilty and cruel. Still, I made the right decision. The world is full of so many people, there are so many people out there who would be happy to be your friend, there's no reason to put up with an acquaintance who makes you miserable.
Hope this helps-
Gracie
Posted by lissa on August 6, 2001, at 18:22:31
In reply to A friend pulls away, posted by AKC on August 4, 2001, at 15:22:49
> Any thoughts?How long have you known this friend? Was your dinner together the first time you ever asserted yourself with her (about wanting to finish what you were saying, not wanting unsolicited advice)?
I don't know enough details of your situation to tell if it is anything like mine was. I used to be very passive and would agree with just about everything anyone said. When I first began to feel better, I started to become more assertive and my friends had the same sorts of reactions -- pretty surprised I stopped agreeing with them so much. At first, they gave me those looks of surprise, but over time they got used to it.
hope you're hanging in there.
lissa
Posted by AMenz on August 10, 2001, at 0:06:50
In reply to Re: A friend pulls away, posted by Kristi on August 5, 2001, at 15:12:15
I feel like that a lot, too. Like the few friends I have are extremely self-centered.
I do feel walked on and do not know how to turn off their barrage of self disclosure and support seeking. I don;t mind not asking for support anymore. I don;t get it anyway. But I'd like to find a polite way of discouraging their emotional dumping. I think it's dumping if it is not reciprocal. (The advice, and listening etc I mean)
>
>
> I know what your going thru. I have problems on two counts.
> Would I love to hear people's responses to this one! I am the type of person.. that has a lot of friends(probably too many) that come to me with their problems, I listen , give advice, and keep it to myself. If I ever have a problem I'd like to talk about.... they may listen for a minute.... but it then pretty quickly turns to them.
> And I also am interuppted all the time... from another set of friends, and most of my family... like what I say doesn't matter... and if I say anything(point it out) I'm the bad guy. I get walked over no matter where I go. Oh well, I'll accept it.... cuz I love my friends....
> frustrating.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > I'm feeling somewhat alone this afternoon. Has to do with hurting a friend's feelings this past week. We were out to dinner on Tuesday, and I was being interrupted in conversation for the I don't know how many time. So I interrupted back and asked if I could finish my story. She had a look of shock on her face. Then, as we stood outside, I was stretching my calf muscle, and she started giving me stretching advice. Now realize, I am severely over-weight. You would no more realize that once I use to be a very athletic person. And this friend started giving me unwanted, unasked for advice. And I cut her off. Again, a look of shock on her face -- like how dare I. Since then, she has not returned my emails, nor my phone calls. So it has saddened me. I was not rude in how I did this. In fact, I was quite polite. But it makes me feel lonely, because I don't have many friends, and I can't believe that something like this would hurt our friendship. I was just trying to keep good boundaries. To know me is to know that I haven't had many close friends the past decade or so, because I have had such brick walls that I would not let anyone near. But in learning how to have new friendships, I also know that I don't want to go to the other extreme and just let people get away with anything -- like rudely interrupting my telling of a story, or always feeling like they can tell me how to do something -- like they know more than I do. I am torn on what to do now. I am pretty certain that I did not do anything wrong, so I don't want to give an impropery apology. But she may think I did, especially given her expressions when I behaved at the time as I did - and given her response since.
> >
> > Any thoughts?
> >
> > A confused hounddog.
This is the end of the thread.
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