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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 13 to 37 of 41. Go back in thread:
Posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 8:42:47
In reply to Kazoo is wrong, wrong, on both accounts ..., posted by Willow on August 2, 2001, at 6:49:17
Yes, that is the type of selfishness that I meant. I could never be a purely selfish person - it's not in my genes. Is it in most people's?
Posted by Simcha on August 2, 2001, at 9:16:20
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » dreamer, posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 8:40:51
Yes, I've found that it is important to share only certain things with certain people. This goes double when I am especially vulnerable.
As a sex addict (or sexual compulsive) it may not be appropriate to share everything with my partner who is not a sex addict. There is no way he could understand this disease from the inside out like I do. Some of my disclosure may even hurt him unnecessarily. I find that it is best to share this stuff with a therapist, pdoc, and my 12-step groups.
Also, it may not be appropriate to share my journey into meds with my partner either. He is not on meds... He does not have the same experience as me. He tends to look at meds as "crutches" and he tends to hold for the hope that someday I could be med-free. I wish that myself but coming from him it sounds shaming...like somehow I'm weak or wrong for being on meds... Again, with this stuff I come here, I talk to supportive people in my 12-step groups, I talk to my therapist and pdoc.
Some friends are good to share some of this stuff with and others are the wrong people to talk to about this stuff. My mother and father are the wrong people for me to talk to. My brother, who is on ADs and such and is a member of AA, is wonderfully supportive.
I have learned to be selective during this process. It's taken a lot of bruises in this area to learn who to trust. I guess it's part if being human.
Posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 10:44:51
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by Simcha on August 2, 2001, at 9:16:20
>
> As a sex addict (or sexual compulsive) it may not be appropriate to share everything with my partner who is not a sex addict.-- Simcha:
This is rarely addressed here, if ever, so I thought I would throw in some support. Part of my mania involved sexual hyperactivity when young. That may not be what you're talking about, I'm not sure, but wanted you to know that I have some idea of what you have been through. It still seems like a majorly taboo subject. That one I don't even attempt to bring up! ;)
- K.
P.S. Re: support from a partner, though, I think it is very important to have if possible. I would continue to "work" on that aspect slowly.
Posted by Simcha on August 2, 2001, at 11:33:38
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » Simcha, posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 10:44:51
Thanks Kingfish!
The support is appreciated. I need to bring this up because I've learned that if I hide it I'm doomed to stay stuck in it. It also helps to work through the shame that goes along with it.
;-)
> >
> > As a sex addict (or sexual compulsive) it may not be appropriate to share everything with my partner who is not a sex addict.
>
> -- Simcha:
>
> This is rarely addressed here, if ever, so I thought I would throw in some support. Part of my mania involved sexual hyperactivity when young. That may not be what you're talking about, I'm not sure, but wanted you to know that I have some idea of what you have been through. It still seems like a majorly taboo subject. That one I don't even attempt to bring up! ;)
>
> - K.
>
> P.S. Re: support from a partner, though, I think it is very important to have if possible. I would continue to "work" on that aspect slowly.
Posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 15:33:38
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » Kingfish, posted by Simcha on August 2, 2001, at 11:33:38
The shame - yes!! And why, more shame in that, than drug or alcohol addiction? It's bizarre.
Posted by Willow on August 2, 2001, at 16:05:06
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » Simcha, posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 15:33:38
> The shame - yes!! And why, more shame in that, than drug or alcohol addiction? It's bizarre.
Have you talked to a psychologist or someone about this? I think I cried for two years, sulked for a year, and am finally getting over it, the shame. When your mind/body betrays you it's like losing a good friend. I think the shame is a normal emotion.
BEST WISHES
Willow
Posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 17:51:18
In reply to Kingfish/ Simcha » Kingfish, posted by Willow on August 2, 2001, at 16:05:06
> Thank you for the kind advice. I have not yet spoken to anyone, but hope to soon. This will definitely be a last step in "recovery." I want to do psychotherapy with my pdoc but can't afford it right now.
I rented Sweet November. My husband rolled his eyes when I mentioned that it was recommended on the Dr. Bob board (and when he found out which movie it was) as I knew he would. But I remained SELFISH and rented it anyway and may require him to watch it as part of couple therapy. ;)
- K.
Posted by Willow on August 2, 2001, at 19:54:25
In reply to Re: Kingfish/ Simcha » Willow, posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 17:51:18
You've probably already seen this one, but my other half watched it and said he enjoyed it. Perhaps it was a way for him to makeup, no kung fu movie. Making your husband watch Sweet November will be torture for him, though he'll have a few laughs. You sure know how to be sadistic when the need arises!!
Let me know what you guys think of it!
Willow
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on August 2, 2001, at 20:43:43
In reply to Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by Kingfish on August 1, 2001, at 19:28:53
> I know this subject has come up before - just looking for support. :)
>
> I cannot help questioning the current lack of communication in a friendship. I am concerned it may be due to this friend growing tired of my needs these past few months regarding my meds and my emotional "awakenings" as I discover more about Bipolar Disorder and what it means in my life.
>
> I'm a very closed person naturally, so this quest to "open up" has been difficult as is, and the fear that someone will run away once I do expose myself, I suppose is natural.
>
> Do any of you all feel this way? This friend has been very receptive until recently.
>
> Thanks...
>
> - K.Dear Kingfish,
Of course, timing is important; however, I usually tell a friend early on that I have a mental illness. This allows me to discern which friends
have depth to their character and which
ones don't. My illness is a very big part
of who I am. I don't go into it all the
time, but I do want my closest friends to
know that I have a mental illness. I
would like to know that I could count on
one of them taking me to the hospital, if
I needed to go in, etc....Glenn
Posted by AMenz on August 3, 2001, at 0:42:23
In reply to Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by Kingfish on August 1, 2001, at 19:28:53
Opening up about this disorder has to be in small doses. To preserve frienships I try to talk to people on my best days.
Even this has met with some resistance from the few people that meet me and like me and think I am going to be able to sustain a normal whenever you feel like calling friendship. Which I cannot.
However at least I am doing better socially with this approach
> I know this subject has come up before - just looking for support. :)
>
> I cannot help questioning the current lack of communication in a friendship. I am concerned it may be due to this friend growing tired of my needs these past few months regarding my meds and my emotional "awakenings" as I discover more about Bipolar Disorder and what it means in my life.
>
> I'm a very closed person naturally, so this quest to "open up" has been difficult as is, and the fear that someone will run away once I do expose myself, I suppose is natural.
>
> Do any of you all feel this way? This friend has been very receptive until recently.
>
> Thanks...
>
> - K.
Posted by Simcha on August 3, 2001, at 7:24:57
In reply to Kingfish/ Simcha » Kingfish, posted by Willow on August 2, 2001, at 16:05:06
Willow,
Yes. I talk to my therapist about shame... I guess I should talk about it to my pdoc too. I just assume that shame is a given since I've lived with it most of my life.
Thank you for all of your support and kind words. ;-)
> > The shame - yes!! And why, more shame in that, than drug or alcohol addiction? It's bizarre.
>
> Have you talked to a psychologist or someone about this? I think I cried for two years, sulked for a year, and am finally getting over it, the shame. When your mind/body betrays you it's like losing a good friend. I think the shame is a normal emotion.
>
> BEST WISHES
> Willow
Posted by Kingfish on August 3, 2001, at 7:42:37
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » Kingfish, posted by Glenn Fagelson on August 2, 2001, at 20:43:43
Yes, that's how I feel now, that it is a part of me, and one that I can't, and shouldn't hide. Even with medication, it still "pops up". If I fall into a depression for awhile, and can't talk to anyone, I want my friends to know it has nothing to do with them.
I've found it easier to tell new friends, than to break it to old friends, who didn't know anything was wrong. How about you?
- K.
Posted by Kingfish on August 3, 2001, at 7:44:02
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by AMenz on August 3, 2001, at 0:42:23
> I need a great deal of space in friendships - is that what you mean?
- K.
Posted by Marie1 on August 3, 2001, at 8:45:29
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by Willow on August 1, 2001, at 21:41:59
>
> And totally off topic, my mom wonders why if we got one man on the moon why don't we put them all there???LOL! Kudos to your mom!
Marie
Posted by lissa on August 3, 2001, at 18:47:58
In reply to Kazoo is wrong, wrong, on both accounts ..., posted by Willow on August 2, 2001, at 6:49:17
Willow --
Sorry to butt in, I do it so well, though ...
He says he's from Brooklyn. What do you expect?
Besides, "An eye for an eye" is a nice rule of etiquette, makes things simple: If the bastard's got the nerve to ask you a question like that, you have a right to say something.
gawd, I miss New York.
lissa
Posted by Willow on August 3, 2001, at 23:15:20
In reply to Re: Kazoo is wrong, wrong, on both accounts ... » Willow, posted by lissa on August 3, 2001, at 18:47:58
Driving home from a friend's tonight, it dawned on me that perhaps the two of you had run off together!!
I don't think he has asked any questions directed at me though.
Missed you ...
Don't stay away so long!
Willow
Posted by lissa on August 5, 2001, at 4:08:22
In reply to Lissa ..., posted by Willow on August 3, 2001, at 23:15:20
> Driving home from a friend's tonight, it dawned on me that perhaps the two of you had run off together!!
Run off?? But with whom? I don't just go gallopping off into the sunset with anyone, you know.
> I don't think he has asked any questions directed at me though.
The one in your office? Who thinks you don't like the air conditioning because of your med.? An oye for an oye, Willow. Tell 'im ta shove it.
Posted by Willow on August 5, 2001, at 18:33:25
In reply to Re: Lissa ..., posted by lissa on August 5, 2001, at 4:08:22
> Run off?? But with whom?
With Kazoo, because the two of you diappeared about the same time. Then you both popped back again. Anything I should know about??
Regarding the air conditioning, I was probably just shocked that someone repeated something I had said on impulse. No, big deal! I was just being oversensitive.Whispering Willow
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on August 5, 2001, at 22:54:51
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » Glenn Fagelson, posted by Kingfish on August 3, 2001, at 7:42:37
> Yes, that's how I feel now, that it is a part of me, and one that I can't, and shouldn't hide. Even with medication, it still "pops up". If I fall into a depression for awhile, and can't talk to anyone, I want my friends to know it has nothing to do with them.
>
> I've found it easier to tell new friends, than to break it to old friends, who didn't know anything was wrong. How about you?
>
> - K.Hi Kingfish,
My therapist said last week that I should
try to be more cautious when telling a new
friend that I suffer from clinical depress-
ion. And yes, I do feel more comfortable
telling an old friend that I have depression
rather than a new one.Glenn
Posted by lissa on August 6, 2001, at 0:31:03
In reply to Re: Lissa ..., posted by Willow on August 5, 2001, at 18:33:25
> > Run off?? But with whom?
>
> With Kazoo, because the two of you diappeared about the same time. Then you both popped back again. Anything I should know about??It was the old disappearing act, but with a twist: when he fell under my spell, I turned him into a chicken (see below.)
Posted by Kingfish on August 6, 2001, at 9:34:21
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by Glenn Fagelson on August 5, 2001, at 22:54:51
>
> Hi Kingfish,
>
> My therapist said last week that I should
> try to be more cautious when telling a new
> friend that I suffer from clinical depress-
> ion. And yes, I do feel more comfortable
> telling an old friend that I have depression
> rather than a new one.
>
> GlennSo, Glenn, actually the opposite. Do the old friends feel "betrayed" at all that you "hid" it from them? Or did they sense that something was wrong all along? I've found that my "deeper" friends (sorry for all of the "") understood but that my friends who were aren't that self-aware, just couldn't fathom it, and would argue with me about it. Almost as if I were making it up...
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on August 6, 2001, at 14:44:42
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » Glenn Fagelson, posted by Kingfish on August 6, 2001, at 9:34:21
>
> >
> > Hi Kingfish,
> >
> > My therapist said last week that I should
> > try to be more cautious when telling a new
> > friend that I suffer from clinical depress-
> > ion. And yes, I do feel more comfortable
> > telling an old friend that I have depression
> > rather than a new one.
> >
> > Glenn
>
> So, Glenn, actually the opposite. Do the old friends feel "betrayed" at all that you "hid" it from them? Or did they sense that something was wrong all along? I've found that my "deeper" friends (sorry for all of the "") understood but that my friends who were aren't that self-aware, just couldn't fathom it, and would argue with me about it. Almost as if I were making it up...Dear Kingfish,
Most of my friends knew early on that I
suffered from depression; they could just tell.
I was just saying to you hypothetically that I
think it would be easier for me to tell my old
friends rather than new ones.Just recently, however, I did tell a new
friend and like you, he tossed it off; he felt
that we create our own illnesses and that we
can just cure them with faith in God and faith in
ourselves. Needless to say, I felt unsupported
and will not bring up the subject again with
him.Glenn
Posted by Willow on August 6, 2001, at 14:55:43
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » Glenn Fagelson, posted by Kingfish on August 6, 2001, at 9:34:21
My husband harps on the children to leave me alone. I guess he misses the person I use to be. I reassure him that I'm able to guage how much I can tolerate.
My best friend blames my husband. She doesn't understand why his life hasn't stopped like mine. I try to explain to her that he isn't the tired one.
When I'm at my worse, my mom wants me to put my father into a home. I explain to her what a help he is with the children and driving me around or just doing errands.
And sometimes when all is quiet, I myself wonder!
Weeping Willow
Posted by Kingfish on August 6, 2001, at 15:40:49
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by Glenn Fagelson on August 6, 2001, at 14:44:42
I remember that post - we talked about it a little, how some Christians can be so kind and giving, and others awfully judgmental (from my experience).
Thanks for your input about your old versus new friends. It helps. I am learning that I've been a little too open these last few months and am going to pull back some again. It's not a bad thing - I just need to find the right balance I suppose. :)
- K.
Posted by Kingfish on August 6, 2001, at 15:48:27
In reply to Old friends ..., posted by Willow on August 6, 2001, at 14:55:43
> My husband harps on the children to leave me alone. I guess he misses the person I use to be. I reassure him that I'm able to guage how much I can tolerate.
==
Or perhaps this is his way of trying to take care of you, to give you room? I don't know, just trying to throw a positive light on it...
==
>
> My best friend blames my husband. She doesn't understand why his life hasn't stopped like mine. I try to explain to her that he isn't the tired one.==
Oh, the fatigue. It's so awful. And if your husband, like mine, hasn't suffered from it, he doesn't understand.
Doesn't sound to me like your life has stopped at all, Willow. Maybe you still do too much...
==
>
> When I'm at my worse, my mom wants me to put my father into a home. I explain to her what a help he is with the children and driving me around or just doing errands.
>
> And sometimes when all is quiet, I myself wonder!==
This must be difficult. I haven't been in a similar situation. But if he is a comfort, then it seems the good outweighs the bad, and that she is doing what most folks do, which is trying to find a concrete thing to blame, rather than the illness (depression) itself.
==
>
> Weeping Willow ---- Sympathetic King of the Fishes
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