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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Kingfish on April 24, 2001, at 14:28:35
Mila:
In a past thread I started re: discovering yourself once you feel better and having trouble in a relationship, you stated:
"listen to your heart. Do not worry about other person's feelings. Give that person a gift of a dignity. Be honest."
I really liked your response, and you other responses and wondered if I could bend you ear a little more and ask for some more insights.
I've been trying to work on my current relationship and plan on trying to work on it for at least several months, but everything seems like patches right now, not getting to the real problem.
Have you ever had to decide to "give up" a long term relationship? Do you really think it is better for a person's dignity to "quit" rather than keep going, just at a different, or lesser, level?
The other problem is that another man is involved, though not in an adulterous way, (ooo, very Biblical of me), but it almost feels as if my heart has tranferred its loyalties to him.
I don't know. Honesty is a big one with me, even more than loyalty, and loyalty is the big one with my husband. But what happens when things change as they have now?
I feel as if when we married I was a different person, full of darkness, and he was as well. It just doesn't make sense to me to stay together if the love is futile, if it's fake, if there's no happiness.
But there are so many voices that say that is worng. I don't know if my family and friends would talk to me. I would hurt so many people, and I really wouldn't want to do that.
Does this make sense?
Thanks!!
- K.
Posted by mila on April 24, 2001, at 17:42:58
In reply to Leavin' the one you love - Post for Mila and All, posted by Kingfish on April 24, 2001, at 14:28:35
darling,
yes, all of it makes a perfect sense.
you do not have to quit the relationship, but you can stop being married to the man you knew. Marriage is a complex thing. it involves not only being lovers and friends, but being partners as well. When the two persons stop being one or more of that to each other, marriage evolves into something else.
to throw some light on the 'real problem', ask yourself the following questions:
What is my problem? (Not 'ours', not 'his', but MY)
What is my problem like, in my mind's view? (for example, you used words 'patchy','futile','fake'... anything else?)
What is my problem like from other people perspective?
How do I feel about my problem?Then, recapitulate. write, 'so, my problem is ...., it's like..., and I feel such and such about it"
after, ask yourself, 'is there anything in my life, or any part of me, that fits this description?" You'd be surprized to discover the answer. It will point you in the direction where to apply your efforts.+++Have you ever had to decide to "give up" a long term relationship? Do you really think it is better for a person's
dignity to "quit" rather than keep going, just at a different, or lesser, level?Have I ever? You bet I have!!!
I have also discovered the utter irrationality of mine and this other person's emotional life. There's no way the relationship will oblige and follow our decisions:) We can only decide for ourselves, decide who we are here and how, and the other person rather quickly gets the message. So the relationship will consequently become thinner, almost vanishing, or thicker, jucier, meatier, and blooming.
avoid falling into the trap of reifying 'relationship'. This is not something that exists out there. This is something that transpires between the two of you, no matter how close or distant you both are. It is something unbreakable, because you can't really stop it, freeze it, and strike it with your decision.
Yes it is better for a person's dignity to be clear that you are no longer for them in the way you'd been before. also, it is healthier for them to be clear that you are at the crossroads, and do not wish them to interfere in any confusing way while you are considering your choices, and are, therefore, available to them in a 'lesser' way, at least, for the time being.+++But what happens when things change as they have now?
Life. Life happens. The 'Forrest Gump'-like development of events and destinies ensues. Remember, 'life is like a box of chocolates, you never know..."? allow yourself some room for the unpredictable to happen. There must be something wonderful that will be born out of your honesty and his loyalty...+++But there are so many voices that say that is worng. I don't know if my family and friends would talk to me. I
would hurt so many people...
yep, that's about the size of it. some people will keep loving you no matter what you do, others will never love you no matter what you do, and the rest, depends... I wouldn't exaggerate your ability to hurt people, though. you know very well that we are our best 'hurters', no external help is usually required or necessary. Other people just walk around minding their own business, getting togeter with us for some clear or unclear reasons, but we do not hurt them per se, or so very rarely so, when we commit some obvious atrocity, or abuse. If you steer away from abuse and atrocity in dealing with him/them, you can be sure no one will be hurt.thank you for your lovely and dear to me post. thank you for sharing.
hugs
mila
Posted by Kingfish on April 24, 2001, at 19:11:48
In reply to Re: Leavin' the one you love - Post for Mila and All, posted by mila on April 24, 2001, at 17:42:58
Thank you, Mila. You've given me some different angles to consider it from. I'll post more later because I'm so interested in your views.
This is the end of the thread.
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