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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mars on February 11, 2001, at 15:37:07
hey there ~
i tried to kill myself the week before last, my only serious attempt ever. i wasn't going to tell anyone, but confessed to a friend after the fact, who called my pdoc, who called the authorities, who pulled me into the hospital. i was let go with an appointment for crisis counseling. i am trying to find a new pdoc and a new therapist.
i wish i had not let things happen that way - and i wish i hadn't behaved the way i did on this board. oddly enough, i'd been trying very hard not to become too needy - so when i erupted, i was *very* needy.
i am doing considerably better. thanks to everyone who has helped me here.
mars
Posted by quilter on February 11, 2001, at 22:50:05
In reply to what happened, posted by mars on February 11, 2001, at 15:37:07
I'm sorry that had to happen to you. I'm glad you told someone, and they cared enough to help you. I'm in Partial hosp. again. I never want to wake up in ICU again... so I'm trying to let my docs know when the terrible temptations get too strong to bear. I'm so tired of the neverending battle.
Quilter
Posted by willow on February 11, 2001, at 23:31:37
In reply to Re: what happened, posted by quilter on February 11, 2001, at 22:50:05
Quilter
I don't know if this is any comfort, but I believe the steps you are taking will make it better. You will soon be in control.
From one who has been there!
Posted by mars on February 12, 2001, at 8:03:47
In reply to Re: what happened, posted by quilter on February 11, 2001, at 22:50:05
hi quilter ~
yes, i got tired of the neverending battle, too. when i found out i have fetal alcohol effects and that i will always struggle with certain basic things that most people take for granted, i just couldn't cope with that knowledge.
*however*, i feel differently now, and i *really* hope you will, too. it helps me to remember that we who deal with these issues really are brave just to keep going. you are brave, quilter. very brave. if there is anything i can do to support you, please let me know.
it really means a lot to me that you posted your response. i feel like people are avoiding me here and even on Greg's A Safe Haven. i guess that is a reasonable response to the the way i've been behaving, but it does accentuate my sense that i have a pretty odd combination of issues to deal with, and it accentuates my sense that i'm very alone, even within groups of folks that have similar issues. i've had any number of professionals tell me that i'm an "interesting" case. it becomes a bit, um, discouraging after awhile. =;)
oh well. i will try to be better, and i will stick around, in these forums and in life.
"to affect the quality of the day is no small achievement"
luff,
mars
>
> I'm sorry that had to happen to you. I'm glad you told someone, and they cared enough to help you. I'm in Partial hosp. again. I never want to wake up in ICU again... so I'm trying to let my docs know when the terrible temptations get too strong to bear. I'm so tired of the neverending battle.
> Quilter
Posted by Noa on February 12, 2001, at 8:13:21
In reply to to affect the quality of the day.... » quilter, posted by mars on February 12, 2001, at 8:03:47
I'm confused. I didn't notice any behavior that would lead people to avoid you.
I am glad you did tell, and glad you are starting to feel better.
I hope you are continuing to get support.
Posted by Noa on February 12, 2001, at 8:14:07
In reply to Re: what happened, posted by quilter on February 11, 2001, at 22:50:05
Quilter--partial hosp. sounds like a good move. Glad you are taking care of yourself.
Posted by NikkiT2 on February 12, 2001, at 8:33:06
In reply to what happened, posted by mars on February 11, 2001, at 15:37:07
Oh Mary... ((((hugs))))
I really feel for you.. and it's very brave coming out and telling us.
((((more hugs))))
Nikki xx
Posted by NikkiT2 on February 12, 2001, at 8:36:04
In reply to to affect the quality of the day.... » quilter, posted by mars on February 12, 2001, at 8:03:47
Oh, and I always read your posts (you're what I call one of my "buddies" - peoples whose posts I look out for...) And I really didn't notice any behaviour that would upset anyone or make them avoid you. I know I certainly am not...
Take care hun...
Posted by ksvt on February 12, 2001, at 21:39:24
In reply to what happened, posted by mars on February 11, 2001, at 15:37:07
>Mary - let me add my voice to those who say that they hadn't noticed any inappropriate behavior here. I knew you went into the hospital and was obviously concerned. I hope things seem better. I don't know what you're referring to about the board, but i know that much of the time I feel like I've said too much, or not enough, or just the wrong thing here and it makes me feel very isolated and alone and pretty much makes me want to withdraw. Is this at all what you were talking about? Ksvt
>
>
Posted by mars on February 12, 2001, at 22:25:46
In reply to Re: what happened » mars, posted by ksvt on February 12, 2001, at 21:39:24
oh boy, ksvt, you said it. and, of course, i've read lots of your posts and they always seem fine to me....
i've just been thwapped upside the head (figuratively and literally) by so many people about my interpersonal deficiencies (a close friend once called me "the dumbest smart person" he'd ever met [ouch!]). folks with fetal alcohol syndrome/effects need a bit more candor than most people - we don't deal well with silences and usually aren't too hot at reading between the lines.
thanks for your note. 'twas very helpful, as were the others.
mary (trying to uncontort herself =;)
> >Mary - let me add my voice to those who say that they hadn't noticed any inappropriate behavior here. I knew you went into the hospital and was obviously concerned. I hope things seem better. I don't know what you're referring to about the board, but i know that much of the time I feel like I've said too much, or not enough, or just the wrong thing here and it makes me feel very isolated and alone and pretty much makes me want to withdraw. Is this at all what you were talking about? Ksvt
> >
> >
Posted by willow on February 12, 2001, at 22:45:41
In reply to Re: what happened » ksvt, posted by mars on February 12, 2001, at 22:25:46
need a bit more candor than most people - we don't deal well with silences and usually aren't too hot at reading between the lines.
And the other 50% ...
My attempt at humour. (though it probably has a lot of truth to it)
I'm fairly new and am not familar with your history, but am just as glad as your friends to hear that things are looking up!
BEST WISHES
Willow
Posted by mars on February 12, 2001, at 23:04:25
In reply to 50% of the population or more, posted by willow on February 12, 2001, at 22:45:41
thanks for the good words, willow. i am new too ~ please to meet you! (and i really like your handle.)
mary
bipolar II, ADD, FAE, & born under the sign of Bullwinkle =;)
p.s. my dad used to *make* me watch monty python. i wonder how that has affected my long-term prognosis....
> need a bit more candor than most people - we don't deal well with silences and usually aren't too hot at reading between the lines.
>
> And the other 50% ...
>
> My attempt at humour. (though it probably has a lot of truth to it)
>
> I'm fairly new and am not familar with your history, but am just as glad as your friends to hear that things are looking up!
>
> BEST WISHES
> Willow
Posted by quilter on February 12, 2001, at 23:38:43
In reply to to affect the quality of the day.... » quilter, posted by mars on February 12, 2001, at 8:03:47
Dear Mars, I'm feeling better today again, but quite stressed out about deadlines (guess I shouldn't take that term so literally!) and physical health issues.
It is very hard to deal with the fact that for whatever reason, you will never be the person you hoped you could become. Eventually we seem to be able to map out a new road to follow, but the process is incredibly painful.
I often feel rejected or ignored when posts do not recieve responses. I wonder whether it is the nature of the illness? The little facial cues like nods or smiles that acknowledge a message being missing on the net? For me, it is hard work to keep brain and body in sync. long enough to type a cogent message and often limits how and who I reply to. All of the names on this thread are ones I look for, and think of as friends. There are others as well (Medlib, I hope you are OK) who can be counted on to make sense when they find time and energy to be here. It would be interesting to find out how common this feeling is.
I really really wish that I could depend on my body and brain acting in some predictable fashion. Seems like neither is these days and finding another recurrent, miserable, chronic, high maintenance problem has been almost too much to bear. Latest was a return of the trigeminal neuralgia I had hoped was a one time fluke this past summer. Fibromyalgia, migraines, and disc problems are also part of my life. I'm so tired of constant pain and the everlasting exhaustion...
Aren't you glad I feel so much better? :~p
Quilter
Posted by mars on February 13, 2001, at 0:21:51
In reply to Re: to affect the quality of the day.... , posted by quilter on February 12, 2001, at 23:38:43
Dear Quilter ~
You might want to count as consolation that you have gained a bit o' wisdom from your struggles ~ at least that's the way your post reads to me, and your words help a great deal. Thank you. I wish I could do the same for you.
I had always been promised, explicitly and implicitly, that there would be a chemical/therapeutic solution to my most severe issues, so to learn about the fetal alcohol effects was very, very painful, especially since about the only thing I've ever had going for me was my "brain".
All of my life I've wanted to fit in somewhere. And sometimes I have...sort of. Around the edges, on the fringes. Finding PB got my severely moribund hopes up, and probably in a way that wasn't realistic ~ partly because I admire those who have made PB what it is, and perhaps from watching the plug fit so neatly into Dr. Bob's head? (lol)
One of the nice things about edges & fringes is that there's a lot of space for circulation. I've had some amazing experiences that I probably wouldn't have had otherwise. I was a total freak in high school, but I had these great parties - they were great because I invited all these people from different groups who never would have talked to each other, and with some good music (and, admittedly, a few beers) they all found out that everybody was okay. Everybody on PB is on my invite list now =;)
I do think, however, that you and I (and all our comrades) should get a reprieve from our damnable physical issues. Who do we send the petition to? I have a good friend with fibromyalgia, so I've learned a lot about it, and I just found out a dear friend has trigeminal neuralgia. What have you tried so far?
I send gentle pats, and a big smile.
luff,
mars
> Dear Mars, I'm feeling better today again, but quite stressed out about deadlines (guess I shouldn't take that term so literally!) and physical health issues.
>
> It is very hard to deal with the fact that for whatever reason, you will never be the person you hoped you could become. Eventually we seem to be able to map out a new road to follow, but the process is incredibly painful.
>
> I often feel rejected or ignored when posts do not recieve responses. I wonder whether it is the nature of the illness? The little facial cues like nods or smiles that acknowledge a message being missing on the net? For me, it is hard work to keep brain and body in sync. long enough to type a cogent message and often limits how and who I reply to. All of the names on this thread are ones I look for, and think of as friends. There are others as well (Medlib, I hope you are OK) who can be counted on to make sense when they find time and energy to be here. It would be interesting to find out how common this feeling is.
>
> I really really wish that I could depend on my body and brain acting in some predictable fashion. Seems like neither is these days and finding another recurrent, miserable, chronic, high maintenance problem has been almost too much to bear. Latest was a return of the trigeminal neuralgia I had hoped was a one time fluke this past summer. Fibromyalgia, migraines, and disc problems are also part of my life. I'm so tired of constant pain and the everlasting exhaustion...
>
> Aren't you glad I feel so much better? :~p
>
> Quilter
Posted by Noa on February 13, 2001, at 8:09:42
In reply to Re: to affect the quality of the day.... » quilter, posted by mars on February 13, 2001, at 0:21:51
> I do think, however, that you and I (and all our comrades) should get a reprieve....
How about RETIREMENT?
Here's how it would work: When we retire, our illnesses retire, too!
Where do I sign on?
Posted by shar on February 13, 2001, at 9:32:59
In reply to Re: to affect the quality of the day.... » quilter, posted by mars on February 13, 2001, at 0:21:51
Mars:
Wow, I would never had guessed what you had been going through given our contact on ASH recently. I confess I don't read every post here or on ASH, so I miss some things.I found you likable and interesting, and when you posted during chat, you seemed to fit right in, joining in the fun. I look forward to getting to know you better.
I am full of suicidal ideation, so do not hesitate to bring that up with me at least. I do understand the desire for blessed oblivion. And I also think hanging in there is better. Harder, but a better thing to do (karma and all that).
Please let people here and on ASH know when you are particularly down, feeling needy, alone, whatever. We all do feel that way, and it's always so interesting that people in pain can be so giving of support and encouragement when we are going through the hard times. It's a special gift we all share with each other (when we're not fighting...kidding...just kidding!!!!).
You take care, now. Write, write, write--let us know what's going on!
Shar
Posted by mars on February 13, 2001, at 14:59:13
In reply to Mars--Be Tenacious...and talk to us, ok?, posted by shar on February 13, 2001, at 9:32:59
Hey Shar ~
Thanks mucho. I admire your posts very much; it's always so surprising to find out how many wonderful people have the thoughts that they do.
> I am full of suicidal ideation, so do not hesitate to bring that up with me at least. I do understand the desire for blessed oblivion. And I also think hanging in there is better. Harder, but a better thing to do (karma and all that).
I feel the same way. Very little scares me, and one good thing I've had to offer is that I can see my frens, if need be, through the dark times. I agree about karma, too ~ I've thought about suicide for years, but never thought I would really try. Don't wanna go there again, and thankfully I'm cognizant again that I have some say in the matter.
Hasta la vista,
mars
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