![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tdaneen on January 7, 2001, at 14:10:50
Well, to anyone that decides to respond to this (some of you will remember me and my history), for those who don'tI just want to let you know that I'm a BPII currently taking 150-225mgs effexor, 20mgs adderall, and 200mgs topamax per day. I have only been hospitalized once, for four and half days only two and a half months ago.
I am currently (eh gads! STILL) in the process of a divorce. I believe that is what is triggering my current depressive episode (or relapse if you prefer that term).
You see, my ex-to-be and I have been seperated for over a year, and we are just now going in for our first court date. This was supposed to only be for temporary support, however, he had his attorney file an additional paper adding to the docket. So, now he is also trying to prove that I been refusing him visitation! That being completely untrue, as he has our child for three nights every other weekend, and at least one or two week nights every other week (I HAVE kept a calandar of each and every one-thank you).So now that I have bored you with my personal life, I need to get to the impact it has been having, and my fears of going to court.
I'm your basic atypical BPII. I have been sleeping more, but it is strange that I'm not eating. When I stop eating that is when I start getting manic. By this time normally I'm doped up on carbohydrates, and sluggish.
I've been VERY, VERY grouchy. I'm not thinking clearly most of the time, and increasing my effexor hasn't seemed to help. I'm afraid that I will continue to spiral until my court date (tuesday). If it goes badly...then hopefully if I start to bottom out I won't have to keep the effexor at a higher dose for very long. If all goes well...hopefully I won't start to spiral up. It is weird. I'm right in the middle (Hmmm mixed episode?!?)and if I don't get it stabilized quickly I could get out of control quickly. And THAT is not only something that I work very hard to control, but at this point something that my soon-to-be-ex would want.So, does anybody have any suggestions for short-term stability? I need some ideas on how to make it through these next two days...I promise I'll call myPdoc on Wed., no matter how it goes.
Posted by Racer on January 7, 2001, at 17:20:01
In reply to Need to bend an ear.....anybody have one available, posted by tdaneen on January 7, 2001, at 14:10:50
Nothing like upping the ante, eh?
Here's my advice: remind yourself of the reality: your husband has had the kids regularly. That's the only thing you need to show. Don't worry about anything else, and don't allow him to draw you into anything more.
Make a nice little calendar in a spreadsheet program, print copies of it for your side, your husband and his lawyer, the judge and the court clerk. Hand them out as soon as the issue comes up. Your only job in that court room is to show that you've allowed your soon-to-be-ex reasonable visitation. Beyond that, sit still.
What's that old line: "Better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt?" Make your s-t-b-e do as much talking as possible. Respond to as little as possible.
The added value to that is that the more vindictive he seems to the court, the more likely you are to receive everything you ask for in terms of temporary support.
As for the 'real' issue here: You poor thing! It's hard enough having to go through both a divorce and a depressive episode, but to go through both at once, and have someone you used to care about so much use your pain against you this way is so awful! Just the fact that you're getting out of bed in the morning is amazing from my point of view. That's exactly the recipe for making me hide under the bed and cry. Give yourself full points for strength and resilience, and remember the wisdom of Scarlett O'Hara: "Tomorrow is another day"
OK, I love GWTW, but it is good advice: if you can't deal with everything coming at you now, deal with one part to get you through today and forget the rest until tomorrow, when you deal with another piece. Hard to do, but great if you can...
Posted by tina on January 7, 2001, at 18:15:42
In reply to Re: Need to bend an ear.....anybody have one available, posted by Racer on January 7, 2001, at 17:20:01
Along with this awesome advice from Racer I'd have to add the "go easy on the carbs" advice too.
Sounds like you have a sensitive blood sugar system as well as the manic/depressive episodes. If you get manic on carbs, give them a rest and concentrate on protein. Protein is good for energy and carbs can make you foggy in the brain if you go overboard. Especially pasta and potatoes. Whole grains are good for the brain and eat lots of fish like salmon--brain food so you'll be sharp as a tack on tuesday.
Don't let it get to you too much. Like Racer said, go in prepared and well rested and above all else, hold your head high, stand up straight and KNOW you are competent and worthy and blow the soon to be ex out of the water.
I'll be pulling for you and wishing you the best.
Tina
Sorry, didn't mean to sound preachy, I can relate that's all and it p**sses me off the way some people will take advantage of someone's health be it mental or physical to get their own way.> Nothing like upping the ante, eh?
>
> Here's my advice: remind yourself of the reality: your husband has had the kids regularly. That's the only thing you need to show. Don't worry about anything else, and don't allow him to draw you into anything more.
>
> Make a nice little calendar in a spreadsheet program, print copies of it for your side, your husband and his lawyer, the judge and the court clerk. Hand them out as soon as the issue comes up. Your only job in that court room is to show that you've allowed your soon-to-be-ex reasonable visitation. Beyond that, sit still.
>
> What's that old line: "Better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt?" Make your s-t-b-e do as much talking as possible. Respond to as little as possible.
>
> The added value to that is that the more vindictive he seems to the court, the more likely you are to receive everything you ask for in terms of temporary support.
>
> As for the 'real' issue here: You poor thing! It's hard enough having to go through both a divorce and a depressive episode, but to go through both at once, and have someone you used to care about so much use your pain against you this way is so awful! Just the fact that you're getting out of bed in the morning is amazing from my point of view. That's exactly the recipe for making me hide under the bed and cry. Give yourself full points for strength and resilience, and remember the wisdom of Scarlett O'Hara: "Tomorrow is another day"
>
> OK, I love GWTW, but it is good advice: if you can't deal with everything coming at you now, deal with one part to get you through today and forget the rest until tomorrow, when you deal with another piece. Hard to do, but great if you can...
Posted by medlib on January 8, 2001, at 0:23:19
In reply to Need to bend an ear.....anybody have one available, posted by tdaneen on January 7, 2001, at 14:10:50
tdaneen--
First, I'd like to ditto Racer and tina's advice. In court, present the smallest possible target and let your attorney advocate/defend you. I've been in your shoes, and the less direct contact you have with your STBE, now an implacable opponent, the better--for you and your child. Your calendar of visits is invaluable; I can only suggest that you also notate any time it is necessary to refuse a visitation request, and why. Unfortunately, conflicts of this type seldom end with the divorce decree.
Re short-term stability: I strongly advise temporarily dropping the Adderall; please consider checking this with your pdoc Monday. This stimulant drug increases nervousness, irritability and anorectic behavior--while undoubtedly helpful on the downswing, its booster-rocket-effect is the *last* thing you need on an upward spiral.
I'm sure you must have shared earlier re topamax, but I missed it. Can I assume that Lamictal, Tegretol, Neurontin and Lithium proved ineffective for you? Topamax (like other anticonvulsants) does decrease mental alertness and focus. It can also cause fatigue and depression and increase irritability. None of these "electrical smoothers", as JohnL calls them, are without major side effects; sometimes you just have to keep an eye on the risk/benefit ratio and have patience with yourself. You are being treated for a major, relapsing-remitting-type chronic illness. It doesn't mean that you can't be a loving, effective mother and a productive citizen, any more than it would for someone with MS, or Crohn's or rheumatoid arthritis. It *is* important to be pro-active in lining up extra support and creative in learning adaptive techniques. Don't let *anyone* invalidate you!
BTW, another med note: Titrating Effexor up and down may not be too effective short-term. Initially, more Effexor- > more sleepiness; the additional mood elevation may not kick in for days/weeks. Adderall might be a better candidate for quick adjustments, with its shorter half-life and rapid action. Just food for pdoc conversation.
Well wishes and don't let the f---ers get you down!---medlib
> Well, to anyone that decides to respond to this (some of you will remember me and my history), for those who don'tI just want to let you know that I'm a BPII currently taking 150-225mgs effexor, 20mgs adderall, and 200mgs topamax per day. I have only been hospitalized once, for four and half days only two and a half months ago.
> I am currently (eh gads! STILL) in the process of a divorce. I believe that is what is triggering my current depressive episode (or relapse if you prefer that term).
> You see, my ex-to-be and I have been seperated for over a year, and we are just now going in for our first court date. This was supposed to only be for temporary support, however, he had his attorney file an additional paper adding to the docket. So, now he is also trying to prove that I been refusing him visitation! That being completely untrue, as he has our child for three nights every other weekend, and at least one or two week nights every other week (I HAVE kept a calandar of each and every one-thank you).
>
> So now that I have bored you with my personal life, I need to get to the impact it has been having, and my fears of going to court.
> I'm your basic atypical BPII. I have been sleeping more, but it is strange that I'm not eating. When I stop eating that is when I start getting manic. By this time normally I'm doped up on carbohydrates, and sluggish.
> I've been VERY, VERY grouchy. I'm not thinking clearly most of the time, and increasing my effexor hasn't seemed to help. I'm afraid that I will continue to spiral until my court date (tuesday). If it goes badly...then hopefully if I start to bottom out I won't have to keep the effexor at a higher dose for very long. If all goes well...hopefully I won't start to spiral up. It is weird. I'm right in the middle (Hmmm mixed episode?!?)and if I don't get it stabilized quickly I could get out of control quickly. And THAT is not only something that I work very hard to control, but at this point something that my soon-to-be-ex would want.
>
> So, does anybody have any suggestions for short-term stability? I need some ideas on how to make it through these next two days...I promise I'll call myPdoc on Wed., no matter how it goes.
Posted by ksvt on January 8, 2001, at 19:48:48
In reply to Re: Need to bend an ear.....anybody have one available » tdaneen, posted by medlib on January 8, 2001, at 0:23:19
> tdaneen - I would also notate times your spouse was entitled to visitation or was offered extra visitation and failed to use it. Sometimes that is helpful information. Usually the issues addressed at a temporary hearing are limited so hopefully you'll be able to keep a low profile. Just remember, you hired an attorney so he or she could advocate on your behalf. You shouldn't have to talk to anyone but your attorney, unless you have to testify. In alot of court houses they have separate rooms that can be used to give litigants some privacy. Maybe you can just hang out with a friend or with your attorney in one of these rooms until your case actually gets called. Good luck ksvt
tdaneen--
>
> First, I'd like to ditto Racer and tina's advice. In court, present the smallest possible target and let your attorney advocate/defend you. I've been in your shoes, and the less direct contact you have with your STBE, now an implacable opponent, the better--for you and your child. Your calendar of visits is invaluable; I can only suggest that you also notate any time it is necessary to refuse a visitation request, and why. Unfortunately, conflicts of this type seldom end with the divorce decree.
>
> Re short-term stability: I strongly advise temporarily dropping the Adderall; please consider checking this with your pdoc Monday. This stimulant drug increases nervousness, irritability and anorectic behavior--while undoubtedly helpful on the downswing, its booster-rocket-effect is the *last* thing you need on an upward spiral.
>
> I'm sure you must have shared earlier re topamax, but I missed it. Can I assume that Lamictal, Tegretol, Neurontin and Lithium proved ineffective for you? Topamax (like other anticonvulsants) does decrease mental alertness and focus. It can also cause fatigue and depression and increase irritability. None of these "electrical smoothers", as JohnL calls them, are without major side effects; sometimes you just have to keep an eye on the risk/benefit ratio and have patience with yourself. You are being treated for a major, relapsing-remitting-type chronic illness. It doesn't mean that you can't be a loving, effective mother and a productive citizen, any more than it would for someone with MS, or Crohn's or rheumatoid arthritis. It *is* important to be pro-active in lining up extra support and creative in learning adaptive techniques. Don't let *anyone* invalidate you!
>
> BTW, another med note: Titrating Effexor up and down may not be too effective short-term. Initially, more Effexor- > more sleepiness; the additional mood elevation may not kick in for days/weeks. Adderall might be a better candidate for quick adjustments, with its shorter half-life and rapid action. Just food for pdoc conversation.
>
> Well wishes and don't let the f---ers get you down!---medlib
>
>
> > Well, to anyone that decides to respond to this (some of you will remember me and my history), for those who don'tI just want to let you know that I'm a BPII currently taking 150-225mgs effexor, 20mgs adderall, and 200mgs topamax per day. I have only been hospitalized once, for four and half days only two and a half months ago.
> > I am currently (eh gads! STILL) in the process of a divorce. I believe that is what is triggering my current depressive episode (or relapse if you prefer that term).
> > You see, my ex-to-be and I have been seperated for over a year, and we are just now going in for our first court date. This was supposed to only be for temporary support, however, he had his attorney file an additional paper adding to the docket. So, now he is also trying to prove that I been refusing him visitation! That being completely untrue, as he has our child for three nights every other weekend, and at least one or two week nights every other week (I HAVE kept a calandar of each and every one-thank you).
> >
> > So now that I have bored you with my personal life, I need to get to the impact it has been having, and my fears of going to court.
> > I'm your basic atypical BPII. I have been sleeping more, but it is strange that I'm not eating. When I stop eating that is when I start getting manic. By this time normally I'm doped up on carbohydrates, and sluggish.
> > I've been VERY, VERY grouchy. I'm not thinking clearly most of the time, and increasing my effexor hasn't seemed to help. I'm afraid that I will continue to spiral until my court date (tuesday). If it goes badly...then hopefully if I start to bottom out I won't have to keep the effexor at a higher dose for very long. If all goes well...hopefully I won't start to spiral up. It is weird. I'm right in the middle (Hmmm mixed episode?!?)and if I don't get it stabilized quickly I could get out of control quickly. And THAT is not only something that I work very hard to control, but at this point something that my soon-to-be-ex would want.
> >
> > So, does anybody have any suggestions for short-term stability? I need some ideas on how to make it through these next two days...I promise I'll call myPdoc on Wed., no matter how it goes.
Posted by tdaneen on January 11, 2001, at 14:16:52
In reply to Need to bend an ear.....anybody have one available, posted by tdaneen on January 7, 2001, at 14:10:50
Well, kids I want to thank you for the encouragement. It did help me before I went to court. Good news. He is paying child support, and has some set visitation. Bad news, he is going to go for joint custody. Now, please read the next part carefully to see why this is bad news. You see, he has been saying joint custody for a while. I have agreed to joint legal. Well, that is not enough for him. It seems that while he has been placating me, thinking all is well, he has been trying to decide on how HE is going to get sole physical custody of our child, and give me visitation. Needless to say, this man whom I thought just didn't have it in him to understand me and the reality of a wife who is bipolar, apparently KNEW exactly when and exactly what to say to push me over into a blubbering mess. Isn't it enough, that I have been doing everthing I can to make sure that the transition from my child's parents being together to being apart a smooth and unstressful one for her? Isn't it something that I kept her in the same preschool which is 25miles away from where we live, just so my baby could have stability, something that would still be the same. Even if her house, and bed, and schedule had changed. We get up and I drive over an hour out of my way every morning just for my daughter. It isn't for my health, or because I like the scenery. I was getting ready to transfer her to a preschool in the same town as where we live, because she is going to attend public school in the fall, also there are more opportunities for activities such as swimming, or gymnastics, or plays. We live in an area that has been declared a winter disaster area as well. My STBX offered to take the car I had been driving because he said he wasn't going to be able to make the payments anymore (he was doing so in leiu of child support), I figured he would just refinance it and keep it, well, he traded it in on a $24,000 brand new car. He left us with a car that has over 185,000 miles on it. I don't feel as safe, and I want to introduce my child to children that she will be going to school with. I don't see these as unreasonable things.
My husband is going to try and base his entire custody case on the fact that I have theDREDDED MENTAL ILLNESS!!!! brother. I take my meds, I see my doc, I see my therapist. If I have trouble I see them more. If I need a break from my baby...I ask her father if he would like to see her. If not, then I ask my parents. Yes. I have been in the hospital. Once. My Pdoc offered even before I asked to write an (sorry 'bout the spelling here) affidavid vouching for me. He doesn't see any problems.
Other than my attorney being a flake (long story), and my XTB being an emotionally manipulative and abusive person, and the money (I have NO idea where I'm going to get that for the custody retainer...geesh, I HATE money...or is that not having any money?)I guess I'm doing ok. I'm surprised! I should be face down in a mud puddle, but I'm not. Thank the Lord for effexor, and topamax, and adderall!
Again, I really, REALLY want to thank you, especially Racer. I made the copies like you suggested, my attorney handed them out, of course the XTB's leach (read lawyer) said that I could have just made it all up, but at least I felt like I had some kind of contribution, and wasn't leaving things up to others. The good Lord knows MY attorney sure wasn't doing anything.
I'm sorry, this isn't really the forum for this...is it?Anyway, thanks again, Racer, medlib,kstv, and tina. You really did help keep me focused and calm.
Time for some corney > > > >HHHUUUUGGGGSSSS< < < < <
TDANEEN
Posted by Noa on January 11, 2001, at 14:25:20
In reply to Re:Racer, medlib, tina, kstv...update...LONG!!, posted by tdaneen on January 11, 2001, at 14:16:52
TD,
It sounds like you are doing a great job of advocating for yourself, despite a lousy lawyer.
Hang in there.
Posted by ksvt on January 11, 2001, at 20:12:51
In reply to Re:Racer, medlib, tina, kstv...update...LONG!!, posted by tdaneen on January 11, 2001, at 14:16:52
>I agree with Noa. It sounds like for now you are the primary custodial parent. I think that means that time is probably on your side. If things continue to go well with you and your daughter, I think the court would be hard pressed to change that arrangement radically, particularly with your pdoc willing to testify (I doubt an affidavit will do) that you are a fit parent. Keep us posted. ksvt
Posted by tdaneen on January 12, 2001, at 9:45:12
In reply to Re:Racer, medlib, tina, kstv...update...LONG!! » tdaneen, posted by ksvt on January 11, 2001, at 20:12:51
You know, I just had the most awful thought...do you think I'll have to pay my pdoc's hourly rate in court too?!?!!
LOL
tdaneen
Posted by tina on January 12, 2001, at 17:15:15
In reply to Re:Racer, medlib, tina, kstv...update...LONG!!, posted by tdaneen on January 11, 2001, at 14:16:52
Sounds like you stood your ground quite well T. I'm glad for you. I will be praying that you get everything you want in regards to the custody battle. I don't think the courts hold mental illness in the same weird way that they used to. I don't see the fact that you're on medication being an issue. The judge and half the lawyers are probably on prozac! LOL
Anyway, I will be thinking about you and your dd.
Hugs back to you
You're a great parent
Tina> Well, kids I want to thank you for the encouragement. It did help me before I went to court. Good news. He is paying child support, and has some set visitation. Bad news, he is going to go for joint custody. Now, please read the next part carefully to see why this is bad news. You see, he has been saying joint custody for a while. I have agreed to joint legal. Well, that is not enough for him. It seems that while he has been placating me, thinking all is well, he has been trying to decide on how HE is going to get sole physical custody of our child, and give me visitation. Needless to say, this man whom I thought just didn't have it in him to understand me and the reality of a wife who is bipolar, apparently KNEW exactly when and exactly what to say to push me over into a blubbering mess. Isn't it enough, that I have been doing everthing I can to make sure that the transition from my child's parents being together to being apart a smooth and unstressful one for her? Isn't it something that I kept her in the same preschool which is 25miles away from where we live, just so my baby could have stability, something that would still be the same. Even if her house, and bed, and schedule had changed. We get up and I drive over an hour out of my way every morning just for my daughter. It isn't for my health, or because I like the scenery. I was getting ready to transfer her to a preschool in the same town as where we live, because she is going to attend public school in the fall, also there are more opportunities for activities such as swimming, or gymnastics, or plays. We live in an area that has been declared a winter disaster area as well. My STBX offered to take the car I had been driving because he said he wasn't going to be able to make the payments anymore (he was doing so in leiu of child support), I figured he would just refinance it and keep it, well, he traded it in on a $24,000 brand new car. He left us with a car that has over 185,000 miles on it. I don't feel as safe, and I want to introduce my child to children that she will be going to school with. I don't see these as unreasonable things.
> My husband is going to try and base his entire custody case on the fact that I have the
>
> DREDDED MENTAL ILLNESS!!!! brother. I take my meds, I see my doc, I see my therapist. If I have trouble I see them more. If I need a break from my baby...I ask her father if he would like to see her. If not, then I ask my parents. Yes. I have been in the hospital. Once. My Pdoc offered even before I asked to write an (sorry 'bout the spelling here) affidavid vouching for me. He doesn't see any problems.
>
> Other than my attorney being a flake (long story), and my XTB being an emotionally manipulative and abusive person, and the money (I have NO idea where I'm going to get that for the custody retainer...geesh, I HATE money...or is that not having any money?)I guess I'm doing ok. I'm surprised! I should be face down in a mud puddle, but I'm not. Thank the Lord for effexor, and topamax, and adderall!
>
> Again, I really, REALLY want to thank you, especially Racer. I made the copies like you suggested, my attorney handed them out, of course the XTB's leach (read lawyer) said that I could have just made it all up, but at least I felt like I had some kind of contribution, and wasn't leaving things up to others. The good Lord knows MY attorney sure wasn't doing anything.
> I'm sorry, this isn't really the forum for this...is it?
>
> Anyway, thanks again, Racer, medlib,kstv, and tina. You really did help keep me focused and calm.
>
> Time for some corney > > > >HHHUUUUGGGGSSSS< < < < <
>
> TDANEEN
Posted by tdaneen on January 14, 2001, at 15:07:54
In reply to Re:Racer, medlib, tina, kstv...update...LONG!!, posted by tina on January 12, 2001, at 17:15:15
The XTB's attorney wants me to submit to somekind of psychological testing to see whether or not I'm mentally fit to be a parent.
Good God! I heard it with my own ears, but I still don't believe it.
Does anyone know what the laws are pertaining to mental fitness?
Posted by ksvt on January 14, 2001, at 16:49:33
In reply to Re:Update , posted by tdaneen on January 14, 2001, at 15:07:54
>tdaneen
Generally the laws on that kind of thing really vary from state to state. I'm sure this is not a test to see if you're mentally fit to be a parent, but an evaluation to see whether your mental illness should have a bearing on the decision of whether you should be the primary custodial parent. Check with your own attorney, but i'm sure you would have the right to counter a negative evaluation with your own or the testimony of your pdoc. Probably you could also submit testimony in a custody hearing from others who've had the opportunity to see you interact with your child, like neighbors, day care workers etc. I would also find out under what circumstances your soon-to-be ex can get the court to order you to submit to such an evaluation. If you don't simply agree to this, I would think they would have to make some sort of showing to the court that the evaluation is relevant and justified. I would hope that the mere fact that you have a mental illness would not be enough. How much time do you have before a likely custody hearing? I still think if things continue to go well pending the hearing, that will be as persuasive as anything concerning your current suitability as the primary custodial parent. Run all this by your attorney and let him (or her) know you don't want to be steamrolled just because you are viewed as being emotionally vulnerable. It's most important that you discuss this with your attorney because, different states really do deal with this kind of thing very differently. Hang in there and don't let the b______ get you down ksvt
The XTB's attorney wants me to submit to somekind of psychological testing to see whether or not I'm mentally fit to be a parent.
>
> Good God! I heard it with my own ears, but I still don't believe it.
>
> Does anyone know what the laws are pertaining to mental fitness?
Posted by Noa on January 15, 2001, at 12:23:14
In reply to Re:Update » tdaneen, posted by ksvt on January 14, 2001, at 16:49:33
Make sure you can have a say in who the psychologist is who does the testing--it needs to be someone who is REALLY independent and not being influenced by being paid by the other side. You can ask the court to explain what the rules are.
Posted by judy1 on January 15, 2001, at 21:56:25
In reply to Re:Update , posted by tdaneen on January 14, 2001, at 15:07:54
I'm so sorry you are going through this, you are having my worst nightmare. When I asked my pdoc about this very situation (out of paranoia), he said that they would have to PROVE my actions were harmful to my child. And since the only person I've ever hurt is myself, and my son is my life, he said he would gladly testify for me in any legal situation. I'm guessing this must be incredibly stressful and I hope you have a lot of support right now. As for psych testing, have you ever had to undergo any? You'll know the right answer, unless you are psychotic- and you are definitely not. Just be really consistant with your answers too. Take care, Judy
Posted by tdaneen on January 16, 2001, at 10:43:03
In reply to Re:Update » tdaneen, posted by judy1 on January 15, 2001, at 21:56:25
Well, I have a great Pdoc. Infact I called and I'm going to see him tomorrow and talk about what the legality of what is going on.
When I went in the hosp in Oct. last fall, one of my main conserns was THIS! My doctor was worried that I had gotten so depressed, and my meds had stopped working. We had tried a varity of combinations. My doctor very gently suggested that it might be time for a brief stay. The reasoning behind it, was to do a rapid change of my medication. I am so very sensitive to side effects the doctor wanted to get me responding as quickly as possible, in a controlled environment, so I didn't have to creep along so slowly inching up my doses. In that respect it was one of the best decisions I made. The doctor left it entirely up to me as to whether or not to be admitted. He let me leave the office and go home for a few hours and decide, even. We had spoken about the possibility of my XTB using this against me in the Divorce, or to gain custody (or just using this against me, lets just call it what it is, alright??) He said at that time, since I was the one that had been so proactive in my treatment, taking my meds, keeping appointments, evening choosing to self admit to the hospital that these things show maturity and consern. He also said that on his testimony alone, that he could almost gaurentee that I wouldn't lose my baby. I just hope he is right. The truth is I trust him SO much more than I do my lawyer. I really have conserns about that, but I don't have the money to change attorneys, I've had to borrow money to retain THIS one. This sucks.
Posted by judy1 on January 16, 2001, at 15:53:14
In reply to Re:Update , posted by tdaneen on January 16, 2001, at 10:43:03
Yes it sucks big time. I felt better reading you have a supportive pdoc- I'm sure if you need him he will come through for you. My first husband was an asshole too, but what comes around goes around, and it eventually caught up with him and I'm not ashamed to admit I was glad. Take care and I'm pulling for you- Judy
Posted by ms. b. on January 16, 2001, at 16:26:53
In reply to Re:Update » tdaneen, posted by judy1 on January 16, 2001, at 15:53:14
Just a quick note - I have been where you are right now, was going through a major depression when my husb and I were fighting out the custody/child support in court. Luckily, he didn't know about my depression (I hadn't been diagnosed yet), nor that I was on Zoloft and lots of Xanax to get through it all.
Regarding some of the legal points: if you are not sure your attorney is doing the best job, you should almost certainly get another. In NY state at least, you have to sign a statement given to you by the lawyer right at the beginning that says the retainer will be used for the fees incurred (they just want it up front as a type of pre-payment). They don't just get to keep it. So if you gave them $2,000, for ex., and you've only incurred fees of $1,500, they owe you $500.
If you don't have faith in your lawyer, you are going to be at a disadvantage.
Also, if your husb can ask that YOU be psychologically tested, I think you can ask the same be done to him. His vindictiveness and unreasonable behavior (as with the car episode - I'm familiar with that one, my husb did that too!), means that it is HE who might actually not understand the basics necessary to care for a child, such as secure transportation.
Finally, the thing that judges look at most is (at least where I'm from): WHICH of you did the majority of the child care prior to the breakup? If as you say, you're schlepping the child around back and forth and hour each day, and the father is not, that's a biggie.
Don't let him intimidate you! Easy to say, hard to live out, I know. If I can help with anything else off this bulletin board, let me know. It angers me that these men know zilch about what it really takes to make a child feel stable and how to raise them, yet they have the balls (sorry!) to countersue for full custody! They have no idea what we have sacrificed for the sake of these children, and god knows they would never be able to do it themselves.
letting off steam, I know... Good luck with everything and keep us posted.
Posted by ksvt on January 16, 2001, at 19:50:42
In reply to Re:Update » judy1, posted by ms. b. on January 16, 2001, at 16:26:53
> TD - I don't know anything about the laws and procedures of your state, but I think it's not out of the realm of possibility that the court could appoint an attorney to represent your child and that person maybe can be trusted to do some of the advocacy that you're not sure you're getting now. If your pdoc is as supportive as he sounds, you may want to make him available to your child's attorney if one is appointed. Also, if your husband is anything like mine (who is not the schmuck you're describing) he's probably somewhat clueless about your illness and your ability to deal with it. He may take the hospitalization as a sign that you're psychotic and not understand that it's really just a good environment for making medication changes. If the judge gets wind of the fact that he's maybe making a mountain out of a molehill at your expense, it could really work against him. BTW, what is it about your attorney that you don't trust? How long has he been practising? How did you come to hire him? How much of this kind of work has he done? Keep us posted. ksvt
Posted by Sulpicia on February 8, 2001, at 21:16:16
In reply to Re:Update , posted by ksvt on January 16, 2001, at 19:50:42
Hi -- sorry to jump in here so late but a friend of mine went thru a similar hell.
I don't know if you have time to do this, or if you could ask for a postponement, but it seems like you need a better lawyer, and preferably one who has some understanding of mental health advocacy.
If you call your local chapter [state, city, etc.] of the American Bar Association, they will be able to give you a list of lawyers who are currently doing pro bono [free] work. All the heavy-weight law firms *have* do this from time to time, if only to maintain their image.
You might also find, on the web or in the phone book, the National Organization for the Mentally Ill, NAMI. They should be able to put you in touch with lawyers whose specialty is MH advocacy. Sounds like this is more of what you need.
And re: the psychological testing -- you wrote that XTB knew how to push your buttons. Might he be doing this now?
All you've heard is that his lawyer is requesting that you be tested. What his lawyer wants is meaningless. Unless a judge orders it, or you agree to it [I wouldn't, let your pdoc do your talking for you], it's not happening. Period. I can see you find this terribly upsetting -- XTB sure knows this too.I'm sorry that this person you had a child with is sick enough to act like such a walking excretion.
Good luck and I'll be thinking of you.
S.
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