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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by R.Anne on December 4, 2000, at 22:00:33
Ijust found this and thought I'd share it:
Using Anger To GrowBegin to build a positive self-image by accepting that human needs are real, important, and valid. Take responsibility for seeing that your needs are met.
Accept anger as a healthy signal of an unmet need. Such acceptance allows for early recognition and action before emotion builds and is out of control.
Define an anger-arounsing situation in a way that calls for a solution as opposed to a threat that calls for an attack.
Identify needs by asking, "What am I needing that I'm angry about not getting/being?"
Write out complaints and change them to positive requests before delivering them to another person.
Ask and negotiate being open to many options to reach your desired goal. )Compare with waiting for someone to assume what you need and give it to you).
Emotion is equal to the thoughts that feed them. Be alert to such phrases as: I can't, you never, you always, I don't know, you won't. These exaggerate and escalate emotion.
Feelings stay the same as long as you interpret the situation the same. Seek to expand possibilities for interpretation by getting new and updated information.
Remain task oriented when aroused, using energy to solve problems.
After the problem is solved, use excess energy for sport, exercise,work, etc.
Use relaxation skills as a way of tuning into yourself and your needs.
Separate wishes from behavior. Feelings and thoughts are not dangerous, behaviors can be. Restraining behavior is not the same as suppressing feeling.
Anger is not equal to lack of love. It is okay to be angry in relationship with any person. Distancing oneself from another is detrimental to both (when carried out as a lifelong pattern). Human needs are met through contact with others. Anger indicates a need to share, be heard, and respond.
Use joy instead of anger for excitement and stimulation.
Consider an angry person as scared. Listen for a need not expressed. Lower your voice as the other escalates. Move toward the person (if it is safe to do so)offering a hand, touch, hug or a caring word.
Posted by caroline h. on December 7, 2000, at 20:08:03
In reply to Using Anger To Grow, posted by R.Anne on December 4, 2000, at 22:00:33
> Ijust found this and thought I'd share it:
>
>
> Using Anger To Grow
>
> Begin to build a positive self-image by accepting that human needs are real, important, and valid. Take responsibility for seeing that your needs are met.
>
> Accept anger as a healthy signal of an unmet need. Such acceptance allows for early recognition and action before emotion builds and is out of control.
>
> Define an anger-arounsing situation in a way that calls for a solution as opposed to a threat that calls for an attack.
>
> Identify needs by asking, "What am I needing that I'm angry about not getting/being?"
>
> Write out complaints and change them to positive requests before delivering them to another person.
>
> Ask and negotiate being open to many options to reach your desired goal. )Compare with waiting for someone to assume what you need and give it to you).
>
> Emotion is equal to the thoughts that feed them. Be alert to such phrases as: I can't, you never, you always, I don't know, you won't. These exaggerate and escalate emotion.
>
> Feelings stay the same as long as you interpret the situation the same. Seek to expand possibilities for interpretation by getting new and updated information.
>
> Remain task oriented when aroused, using energy to solve problems.
>
> After the problem is solved, use excess energy for sport, exercise,work, etc.
>
> Use relaxation skills as a way of tuning into yourself and your needs.
>
> Separate wishes from behavior. Feelings and thoughts are not dangerous, behaviors can be. Restraining behavior is not the same as suppressing feeling.
>
> Anger is not equal to lack of love. It is okay to be angry in relationship with any person. Distancing oneself from another is detrimental to both (when carried out as a lifelong pattern). Human needs are met through contact with others. Anger indicates a need to share, be heard, and respond.
>
> Use joy instead of anger for excitement and stimulation.
>
> Consider an angry person as scared. Listen for a need not expressed. Lower your voice as the other escalates. Move toward the person (if it is safe to do so)offering a hand, touch, hug or a caring word.
>
Posted by Crinklebender on December 9, 2000, at 13:56:45
In reply to Using Anger To Grow, posted by R.Anne on December 4, 2000, at 22:00:33
This is great stuff, do they have anything on love control ? I have just as many problems protecting myself from times when I spread love around blindly resulting in all sorts of unwanted connections complicating my life later.
Posted by R.Anne on December 9, 2000, at 14:05:44
In reply to Re: Using Anger To Grow i really like that (np) » R.Anne, posted by caroline h. on December 7, 2000, at 20:08:03
I'm glad! Hope you have nice holidays. Same to everyone else.
Posted by R.Anne on December 9, 2000, at 14:12:48
In reply to Re: Taming love To slow ?, posted by Crinklebender on December 9, 2000, at 13:56:45
> This is great stuff, do they have anything on love control ? I have just as many problems protecting myself from times when I spread love around blindly resulting in all sorts of unwanted connections complicating my life later.
***
All I can think of is making a list of the qualities you need to have in your friends and then try to match many of those to the people you meet. To me, having a few quality friends is more important and I tell that to people. I mean I find I can spend real quality time with just a few and other people usually will understand this viewpoint. ......hopefully
Posted by Crinklebender on December 9, 2000, at 18:19:47
In reply to Re: Taming love To slow ?, posted by R.Anne on December 9, 2000, at 14:12:48
Good stuff this very clearheaded.
I keep getting more demanding about what I want from others. It seems to be easier to climb up a notch socially than try and get friends to adapt to ones dynamic growth spurts. In fact any other way is impossible. People can't keep up with me these days.Crinkleminder. Trinklesponder. Tanglemonger etc etc.
Posted by caroline h. on December 9, 2000, at 22:10:45
In reply to Re: Taming love To slow ?, posted by Crinklebender on December 9, 2000, at 18:19:47
> Good stuff this very clearheaded.
> I keep getting more demanding about what I want from others. It seems to be easier to climb up a notch socially than try and get friends to adapt to ones dynamic growth spurts. In fact any other way is impossible. People can't keep up with me these days.
>
> Crinkleminder. Trinklesponder. Tanglemonger etc etc.crinkleminder-
i hope you don't trip on your way up the ladder of these dynamic growth spurts. you might fall on those you want so much to leave behind. what you're doing doesn't sound like spreading love around. you haven't really explained your situation, but it sounds more like motion for motion's sake --without any progress. so i'm highly suspect of these dynamic growth spurts. cuz when you grow there doesn't have to be a need to leave others behind - unless your relationships are based upon your own self-absorption. only you can slow down - and that sounds like a very good idea. but what do i know? i could be totally wrong.
Posted by Crinklebender on December 10, 2000, at 8:03:55
In reply to Re: I hope you don't trip... Crinklebender, posted by caroline h. on December 9, 2000, at 22:10:45
MMmhnn I had;nt thought about it that way. Self absorbtion now that complicates everything, my self absorbtion being the result of reality screening which has always been inherently written in me. I'm honest about how crazy I am so the relationships I enter into are very often with people fascinated by my creative state of existing. But what I'm trying to create is a way free from my own Psychotic process. When I see a way free it very often is not conveniant for somebody who likes the crazy way I was. I have to break free. Then stand still as long as possible in the extra clarity and see who is able to catch up. The creative process seems such a great thing because people say how the hell did he get free from that to this ? If I tried to explain that I could do it and that I was heading on out, and that I did'nt realize I was trapped till I saw how free others were then doubt is all I get. Since my process is a mystery to me then I can't explain how I'm going to do it. States happen, and next thing I'm out and nobody from the past can reach me or fathomn what I am up to till later. Psychotic but creative and inherent to my process my whole life from very small.
I do trip very often, in perception But it does feel like love. Feels like I've taken an Ectasy and its directed at a particular human. Whether its real or not only time will tell. But then again how much anybody can really know anybody else will become pretty obvious through lows and highs together.
What can one do when a rise lifts you up and you get carried away. Experience only tells me where I have been and gives me a clue how to infer in another context.
Very often when I think of psychobabble I am reminded how abstract these behavioural observations are. They exist as tools for us to use in a whole variety of ways. Probably my true self is set. So if I can recognise that, I can recognise its true in another and so the love is realistic because it needs that person to be as they are at another point in time.
Christ where did all that stuff come from. I sound like a new age LA actor.
Crinkleminder
> i hope you don't trip on your way up the ladder of these dynamic growth spurts. you might fall on those you want so much to leave behind. what you're doing doesn't sound like spreading love around. you haven't really explained your situation, but it sounds more like motion for motion's sake --without any progress. so i'm highly suspect of these dynamic growth spurts. cuz when you grow there doesn't have to be a need to leave others behind - unless your relationships are based upon your own self-absorption. only you can slow down - and that sounds like a very good idea. but what do i know? i could be totally wrong.
Posted by caroline h. on December 10, 2000, at 11:56:25
In reply to Re: I hope you don't trip..., posted by Crinklebender on December 10, 2000, at 8:03:55
> MMmhnn I had;nt thought about it that way. Self absorbtion now that complicates everything, my self absorbtion being the result of reality screening which has always been inherently written in me. I'm honest about how crazy I am so the relationships I enter into are very often with people fascinated by my creative state of existing. But what I'm trying to create is a way free from my own Psychotic process. When I see a way free it very often is not conveniant for somebody who likes the crazy way I was. I have to break free. Then stand still as long as possible in the extra clarity and see who is able to catch up. The creative process seems such a great thing because people say how the hell did he get free from that to this ? If I tried to explain that I could do it and that I was heading on out, and that I did'nt realize I was trapped till I saw how free others were then doubt is all I get. Since my process is a mystery to me then I can't explain how I'm going to do it. States happen, and next thing I'm out and nobody from the past can reach me or fathomn what I am up to till later. Psychotic but creative and inherent to my process my whole life from very small.
>
> I do trip very often, in perception But it does feel like love. Feels like I've taken an Ectasy and its directed at a particular human. Whether its real or not only time will tell. But then again how much anybody can really know anybody else will become pretty obvious through lows and highs together.
>
> What can one do when a rise lifts you up and you get carried away. Experience only tells me where I have been and gives me a clue how to infer in another context.
>
> Very often when I think of psychobabble I am reminded how abstract these behavioural observations are. They exist as tools for us to use in a whole variety of ways. Probably my true self is set. So if I can recognise that, I can recognise its true in another and so the love is realistic because it needs that person to be as they are at another point in time.
>
> Christ where did all that stuff come from. I sound like a new age LA actor.
>
> Crinklebender-
>
>
>crinkleminder-i'm encouraged that you did not take my comments - particularly that about self-absorption - as an attack. i certainly didn't mean it that way, but the fact that you were receptive shows you're genuinely trying to figure out something. but it is hard, sometimes, to really understand what you mean because you speak in a highly abstract way that may be what you are talking when you think of pb or psb.
nonetheless, from what you have elaborated, i would reiterate my comment about self-absorption. to that i would add narcissism. because what stimulates you is the way others perceive you, the way you get "up there" and your need to get away. instead of growing, you seem to be flying, and not flying towards, but flying away from, other people, justified by a misguided thought that you are "better" than other people. you may be flying away from intimacy; i don't know. but your justification for running is this "growth," which as i said is more like flying, and is probably more negative than positive. the reason i am so suspicious of your growth spurts is your need to flee from the people you perceive to be on a "lower" plane than you - my observation is, that when i grow, or anyone else does, first, we are frequently not aware of it - it is not sudden, but gradual - and even when we are aware of it, there is no need to leave others behind because we accept them as they are, and our growth is not a barrier to relate to them. the exception here that i can think of is when the common ground in the relationship is an experience, place, or event that at least one person thinks differently about - so you grow apart because there is nothing other than that experience, whatever, to sustain the relationship. but in true friendship, both people can move beyond that common plane, even if one person has grown, and the other hasn't.
the reason i say your relationships have to do more with self-absorption, narcissism, fleeing, etc. is that you show no concern for the other person or people. everything is about you, and everything is expressed in "better than" or "less than" terms. there seems not to be anything that is "just different from," for better or worse. consequently, i would say your relationships rely not on, as you say, where the other person is at that point in time, but where you want them to be at that point in time - regardless of where they actually are at that point in time. because if they relied on the person being where they are, etc. and you weren't quite so imperious about your "growth" the relationships could continue. but you need to flee, so that suggests to me that you put people in a certain place in order to justify fleeing.
next time you are faced with this situation, why not try not paying so much attention to where you are in relation to someone else, resist the temptation to flee, and look at the judgments you are making about the other person. are they your labels, or would most people say the same thing about that person? look at how you might change your labels of that person to be more compassionate, more gentle, and see whether that changes your need to flee. this is all a lot of hard work, but i suspect that what is really going on is that you are a very creative, intelligent person to whom people are attracted because of this creative personality; but once they want "in," you want "out." and that would be your problem, not theirs. also, you might try to attract as many people as possible because you're basically insecure, and need the "notches" on your belt." if that's the case. cut it out. it's no wonder then that you wind up with entanglements you don't want.
fiinally, are you neurotic or psychotic? you haven't said what your condition is, but are you on a good med regimen? or could any of this be because of a bad med regimen or a drug? i ask that cuz you sound awfully "in the sky," occasionally the way i get if i have a bad med combination, or have taken too much cns stimulants. also, are you in therapy with a good therapist who really understands you but isn't roped into your garbage? the reason i ask in that way is that you seem a lot like me - having gone through many therapists, some of whom have said i can run circles around, my current therapist says he tries not to be taken in by my garbage, but sometimes it's so persuasive that it's hard for him not to be. he says weeks will go by when he thinks everything i am saying makes perfect sense-it's just that it's totally wrong!!!! this is not a good thing if you want to be helped in therapy. it is a good thing if you want to stay exactly as you are.
hope this helps.
caroline h.
> > i hope you don't trip on your way up the ladder of these dynamic growth spurts. you might fall on those you want so much to leave behind. what you're doing doesn't sound like spreading love around. you haven't really explained your situation, but it sounds more like motion for motion's sake --without any progress. so i'm highly suspect of these dynamic growth spurts. cuz when you grow there doesn't have to be a need to leave others behind - unless your relationships are based upon your own self-absorption. only you can slow down - and that sounds like a very good idea. but what do i know? i could be totally wrong.
Posted by Dr. Bob on December 10, 2000, at 12:41:06
In reply to Re: I hope you don't trip...(long) » Crinklebender, posted by caroline h. on December 10, 2000, at 11:56:25
> i'm encouraged that you did not take my comments - particularly that about self-absorption - as an attack. i certainly didn't mean it that way, but the fact that you were receptive shows you're genuinely trying to figure out something. but it is hard, sometimes, to really understand what you mean because you speak in a highly abstract way that may be what you are talking when you think of pb or psb...
I appreciate your being supportive, but this is someone I blocked and just came back under a different name. It's not that they can't use, or don't deserve, support, but I consider their participation here disruptive, so they should seek support elsewhere.
Bob
PS: Follow-ups, if any, to this should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. I'd like this thread to be disturbed as little as possible. Thanks...
Posted by r.anne on January 12, 2001, at 0:15:46
In reply to Using Anger To Grow, posted by R.Anne on December 4, 2000, at 22:00:33
> Ijust found this and thought I'd share it:
>
>
> Using Anger To Grow
>
> Begin to build a positive self-image by accepting that human needs are real, important, and valid. Take responsibility for seeing that your needs are met.
>
> Accept anger as a healthy signal of an unmet need. Such acceptance allows for early recognition and action before emotion builds and is out of control.
>
> Define an anger-arounsing situation in a way that calls for a solution as opposed to a threat that calls for an attack.
>
> Identify needs by asking, "What am I needing that I'm angry about not getting/being?"
>
> Write out complaints and change them to positive requests before delivering them to another person.
>
> Ask and negotiate being open to many options to reach your desired goal. )Compare with waiting for someone to assume what you need and give it to you).
>
> Emotion is equal to the thoughts that feed them. Be alert to such phrases as: I can't, you never, you always, I don't know, you won't. These exaggerate and escalate emotion.
>
> Feelings stay the same as long as you interpret the situation the same. Seek to expand possibilities for interpretation by getting new and updated information.
>
> Remain task oriented when aroused, using energy to solve problems.
>
> After the problem is solved, use excess energy for sport, exercise,work, etc.
>
> Use relaxation skills as a way of tuning into yourself and your needs.
>
> Separate wishes from behavior. Feelings and thoughts are not dangerous, behaviors can be. Restraining behavior is not the same as suppressing feeling.
>
> Anger is not equal to lack of love. It is okay to be angry in relationship with any person. Distancing oneself from another is detrimental to both (when carried out as a lifelong pattern). Human needs are met through contact with others. Anger indicates a need to share, be heard, and respond.
>
> Use joy instead of anger for excitement and stimulation.
>
> Consider an angry person as scared. Listen for a need not expressed. Lower your voice as the other escalates. Move toward the person (if it is safe to do so)offering a hand, touch, hug or a caring word.
>
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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