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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by eugenia on January 3, 2005, at 18:25:32
Hi:
I am thinking of getting back together with someone I am not "in love" with, but I do love. Sex, not so great, but this man is devoted to me. I am thirty-five and want to have a baby. Don't know how much I longer I can wait. Even if technology could give me a baby post-menapause, the idea is not too appealing to me. Any opinions? I love hearing other people's stories. I feel like I am almost asking what the meaning of life is. Cause I always thought it was about being in love, but maybe that was misguided...
Posted by annierose on January 3, 2005, at 22:10:46
In reply to must one marry for love?, posted by eugenia on January 3, 2005, at 18:25:32
Not knowing you or your situation, just my 2 cents, I think that would be a big mistake. Marriage is very difficult and children make daily life even more demanding (although wonderful too). I think, down the road, you would be so unhappy. I was so in love when I married my husband, and 13 years later, it is still nice, but, boy is it hard! You do get tired of each other, of the kids, of the household chores (and they keep coming and coming) ... it is just hard. Yes, we still love, laugh (thank goodness) ... but all I'm trying to say, if you are not "in love", I think you will resent your husband. And I don't think it is fair to him either. He deserves someone that is crazy about him (sexually too).
Posted by alexandra_k on January 4, 2005, at 2:24:18
In reply to Re: must one marry for love? » eugenia, posted by annierose on January 3, 2005, at 22:10:46
Well, just to give a hearing to the other side I am not sure 'being in love' is all it is cracked up to be.
The western notion of 'romantic love' is a fairly recent 'discovery', if you like, and there are other parts of the world which do not put such high value on it.
I once went out with a guy from Sri Lanka and he said that there arranged marriages were still quite common. Now probably that brings up the same horrific images for you as it did for me at first - but we talked about it.
The notion is that people decide that they want to get married and they want to start a family. They advertise in the paper or whatever to find someone of similar age and similar caste / social class. They get sent something similar to CV's. Pictures, hobbies etc. From there the bride or groom to be sit down with their family and (ideally) they all narrow down the selection to some that everyone seems to like and then the dating begins.
They are looking for something more along the lines of a close and intimate friend / companion. It is not supposed to be about the 'high' that we typically think of as love. It is more a rational decision. Do I want to be a companion to this person for the rest of my life? Would they be a good mother / father to my children?
Divorce is frowned upon. You are supposed to honour your committment.
Of course we can think of loads that could go wrong with this - and this is just the way that he told the story to me. But the point is that there are a lot of people in the world who are happy with this, and who are happy with this as an ideal. I would say - no better, no worse, just different. I would ask
- Do you think you would make good companions?
- Do you think he would be happy with you and what it is that you can offer him?
- Do you think that you could return his devotion to you with action - even if someone you felt a 'buzz' for came along.If it is yes yes yes then I would say yes go on and marry him by all means.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 5, 2005, at 0:17:15
In reply to must one marry for love?, posted by eugenia on January 3, 2005, at 18:25:32
Hi I married a dude I just liked once for money and that was the stupidest thing I think I ever did...It didn't work out ...If you really liked this man as a person and felt GOOD about it it might be one thing as nobody stays IN LOVE it turns to just love and LIKE ....What do you think? Minus a child would you be happy with him the rest of your life childless..if you say no...then rethink this please
Posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2005, at 3:43:16
In reply to must one marry for love?, posted by eugenia on January 3, 2005, at 18:25:32
What about being a single mother?
The guy that I am sort of with, well his x wife did that. Their marriage split up a year or so after they lost their son to cot death. He had been married before and had children previously, but it was his wifes only child. A couple of years after they split up she had a baby. The guy she was with agreed to help her out there and he goes to see him a bit but she is the primary caregiver. I don't know if that sort of thing would be an option for you, but if it is having a child that you are worried about there are other ways aside from marriage.
Posted by eugenia on January 5, 2005, at 4:08:35
In reply to Re: must one marry for love? » eugenia, posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2005, at 3:43:16
Thanks for your responses. You have given me a lot to think about. The problem is that I am so alienated from my own feelings about him--but I guess the fact that I already divorced him once should tell me something!
Posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2005, at 16:20:13
In reply to Re: must one marry for love?, posted by eugenia on January 5, 2005, at 4:08:35
Ah. Yes that would probably be a factor :-)
Posted by annierose on January 5, 2005, at 18:48:17
In reply to Re: must one marry for love? » eugenia, posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2005, at 16:20:13
If it didn't work the first time, it won't the second, unless ... both of you have worked to make the changes necessary for success.
Posted by rainbowbrite on February 11, 2005, at 22:11:22
In reply to must one marry for love?, posted by eugenia on January 3, 2005, at 18:25:32
I think that it could work, call me crazy but have you ever seen that friends episode where they all agree to be the backup in case they aren't married by a certain age. I WOULD absolutely do it. I do think love is an important factor...But I think there are many others as well!!
Posted by eugenia on February 15, 2005, at 21:29:43
In reply to Re: must one marry for love? » eugenia, posted by rainbowbrite on February 11, 2005, at 22:11:22
Thanks for your input! I am so confused. I love this guy, but I don't have that floaty, in-love feeling. I am very, very fond of him, however. And, i am sick of being single in New York City. I also struggle with wondering whether I just have a psychological emptiness that cannot be filled by another person at all! Scary to make life decisions. I wish someone else could make them for me.
Posted by rainbowbrite on February 21, 2005, at 14:46:43
In reply to Re: must one marry for love?, posted by eugenia on February 15, 2005, at 21:29:43
>Scary to make life decisions. I wish someone else could make them for me.
I know what you mean! no one asked me if I wanted to grow up :( And I don't lol I hate having to make responsible decisions that will affect the REST of my life :0
Have you ever have that floaty feeling for him? I understand you confusion all too well. Its hard to make the right decisions. At this point I say do what the heart feels is right at the time.Update me on how its going
rain
Posted by eugenia on February 22, 2005, at 21:13:24
In reply to Re: must one marry for love? » eugenia, posted by rainbowbrite on February 21, 2005, at 14:46:43
Thanks for replying! I am so hungry to talk about this because it is driving me crazy. I never had a floaty feeling for him, but I do feel like he's a good buddy. I also have no lust for him. But he's loyal and loves me. Unfortunately, I felt I had to break it off and now, predictably, I am freaked out because I am alone and feel like a loser! I just want to know what it's like to feel joy.
Posted by rainbowbrite on February 23, 2005, at 7:32:05
In reply to Re: must one marry for love?, posted by eugenia on February 22, 2005, at 21:13:24
you can talk to me all you want about it....I understand that. AND....YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! NOt alone either, there are so many women who are in the same boat.
I am sorry it didn't work out, but I guess deep down you knew what the right choice was. I just reread your initial post and saw what you said about children...would you ever have children on your own? It is unfortunate that we have to wait in a sense for the right person to start a family.
Are you two still friends?
Posted by eugenia on February 24, 2005, at 19:16:45
In reply to Re: must one marry for love? » eugenia, posted by rainbowbrite on February 23, 2005, at 7:32:05
Thanks for the encouragement. I think I am just begining to accept myself and not constantly fret that I am not "normal" and therefore a loser. As far as friendship with my ex, it couldn't work. He can't see me as a friend, he loves me too much in a romantic way. Maybe someday.
The whole thing just makes me sad!
I would have kids on my own, but would rather not. I really want a partner, but if I feel I am getting too close to menapause I guess I will go for it.
This is the end of the thread.
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