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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Anemone on February 8, 2013, at 7:16:20
Sometimes after a session I feel a babyish feeling inside me. I want to cling onto T and stay with her, but I make myself leave her office. I go home and hug my stuffed animal and get a little teary, an achy saddy feeling, wondering why I had to leave? Why can't I bring her into my real life?
I wish T could take me away into her warm cozy office forever, away from the stressful things in real life.
Is Camp Comfort open? I need to curl up in a ball with some more animals please...
Posted by Anemone on February 8, 2013, at 7:24:05
In reply to Post-session clingy saddish feelings, posted by Anemone on February 8, 2013, at 7:16:20
Right now I am listening to a CD of her voice messages collected from the past few years. I love hearing her gentle voice and pretending she is working in the next room. Also have multiple "T souvenirs" such as a photo of her and a business card, to give me extra good luck.
Hope it's OK I shared this with you nice babblers.
Posted by Dr. Bob on February 8, 2013, at 16:14:34
In reply to Re: Post-session clingy saddish feelings, posted by Anemone on February 8, 2013, at 7:24:05
Posted by baseball55 on February 8, 2013, at 19:35:55
In reply to Re: Post-session clingy saddish feelings, posted by Anemone on February 8, 2013, at 7:24:05
I used to wish my T could come home with me and tell me when to get up and when to sleep and help me throughout the day. I also used to save all his voicemails and listen over and over, to look at his appointment cards and handwriting. I had this constant yearning for him. We talked about it a lot. You need to talk about this with your T. It really helps to be honest and get a reality check. Your T can't take care of you as if you were a baby because you're not a baby and they're not a parent. But I totally identify with that desire.
Posted by Anemone on February 9, 2013, at 15:46:53
In reply to Re: Post-session clingy saddish feelings, posted by baseball55 on February 8, 2013, at 19:35:55
Thank you Dr. Bob for giving us this place to talk.
Thank you Baseball55 for sharing your experience. I completely understand what you mean about saving the appointment cards and wishing T could come take care of us.
I would love to hear more about your therapy stories too.
Baseball55, you are right that we should be honest. I do talk to T about these things, I trust her not to laugh at me. I even asked her to marry me, because I want her in my real life, but she said "absolutely not". Oh well... I am happy to have her as my T. :)
Posted by baseball55 on February 9, 2013, at 19:00:55
In reply to Thank you Dr. Bob and Baseball55, posted by Anemone on February 9, 2013, at 15:46:53
It's good you're able to talk to her about it. My therapist was always kind about it and never laughed and assured me that this was normal and happened all the time in therapy. He just had to keep reminding me of the limits of the relationship and sometimes that made me so sad I felt my heart was breaking.
But it's also good to write about on here. If the discussion just stays between you and her, it can start to feel very repetitive and solipsistic. It's great if you can talk about it outside the therapy room, which can become a very emotionally intense space.
Posted by sigismund on February 10, 2013, at 1:21:29
In reply to Post-session clingy saddish feelings, posted by Anemone on February 8, 2013, at 7:16:20
>. I want to cling onto T and stay with her,
Entirely right and normal. You know those pictures of rhesus monkeys clinging to....now that I think of it it might be an unfortunate image.....those metal mothers....but clinging, helpless and (hopefully) looked after.
Maybe there is a taboo on being needy?
Posted by Dinah on February 10, 2013, at 8:42:54
In reply to Post-session clingy saddish feelings, posted by Anemone on February 8, 2013, at 7:16:20
It totally makes sense to me. I got my therapist to agree to do a relaxation audiotape for me, and to allow me to take some pictures.
It has passed, quite a bit, but it took a very long time to do so. And absolute confidence that it was ok to feel the way I did. I'm not sure I'd have ever felt it less if I hadn't been bone deep certain that it was perfectly ok to feel that way.
Not that the feelings have to lessen in intensity. It's just what happened with me.
Posted by Dinah on February 10, 2013, at 8:47:47
In reply to Re: Post-session clingy saddish feelings, posted by baseball55 on February 8, 2013, at 19:35:55
I also copied a few voicemail messages to my iphone, and still have trouble deleting new ones. My husband deletes them when he clears the answering machine, but I never do.
I think "young" feelings are a perfectly natural response to some types of therapeutic relationships. Therapists have to walk a very fine line between accepting not discouraging them, and also not encouraging them.
My therapist did, perhaps, too good a job of the latter for my liking. But an excellent job of the former.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on February 10, 2013, at 10:04:44
In reply to Re: Post-session clingy saddish feelings, posted by sigismund on February 10, 2013, at 1:21:29
There is a taboo on neediness.
Those monkeys preferred the cloth mothers, even without the milk, because we need warmth and comfort.My t said that one way for a child to surely not separate is to reject them. And I am most preoccupied with my t and Pdoc when I'm not sure they're there.
If I ever have children, I'll be mindful of it.
Posted by sigismund on February 10, 2013, at 18:38:08
In reply to Re: Post-session clingy saddish feelings » sigismund, posted by sleepygirl2 on February 10, 2013, at 10:04:44
>My t said that one way for a child to surely not separate is to reject them.
That is an interesting and good point.
I found with kids it was so much easier to accept them, but by then I had been through a lot of stuff and had fewer expectations.
One kid I heard of wouldn't get out of bed for 6 months. I said to the parent that I would see if we had some common ground. Dostoyevsky? Russian novels? Life sucks? No argument. She got better....she went to live in Italy, far far away.
Posted by baseball55 on February 10, 2013, at 18:47:27
In reply to Re: Post-session clingy saddish feelings » sigismund, posted by sleepygirl2 on February 10, 2013, at 10:04:44
> My t said that one way for a child to surely not separate is to reject them.
When I was pregnant, a friend who was a child psychologist told me that children always love their parents, but parents don't always love their children. I thought about this a lot when my daughter was young. There were many times when she would do things that drove me nuts and I realized that if I let her keep doing them, I would start to hate and resent her. That really made me aware of setting good boundaries.
Posted by sigismund on February 11, 2013, at 3:14:10
In reply to Re: Post-session clingy saddish feelings, posted by baseball55 on February 10, 2013, at 18:47:27
> There were many times when she would do things that drove me nuts and I realized that if I let her keep doing them, I would start to hate and resent her.
You may have had some success preventing this?
We quickly come to a clash of wills in the developed world, I don't know why.
I suppose for me it is a whole of society problem.
My experience with Peruvian children was that they quickly expected you to become part of their world. Hugs and kisses from the 3rd meeting, quite different to here. Not so much nuclear family of course. The kids did seem happier and (where I was) safe enough.
Posted by Anemone on February 11, 2013, at 11:49:17
In reply to Re: Post-session clingy saddish feelings » Anemone, posted by Dinah on February 10, 2013, at 8:42:54
Dinah, Thank you for sharing your experience with your T. Tell your husband to leave the machine alone! I understand what you mean about deleting new ones even though you copied them to your iphone.
Is your T nice to you now? Hope he is making you feel accepted, and not doing too good a job of "not encouraging" whatever feelings you have.
You are SOO lucky to have a relaxation tape from him. How did you manage to convince him to make one for you?
I wonder how you could felt so confident that it is OK to feel the way you did. That's a good thing. I feel shy about admitting these feelings, except in Babbleland.
Thank you Dinah for making me feel comfortable and welcome to talk here. You are so nice.
Posted by Anemone on February 11, 2013, at 11:59:52
In reply to Re: Thank you Dr. Bob and Baseball55, posted by baseball55 on February 9, 2013, at 19:00:55
Baseball55,
Your T sounds very nice and kind, very accepting. I am sorry you are sad when he reminded you of the limits. Are you still seeing him?
Thanks for being so open-minded and understanding, you make me feel welcome to talk about these things here.
My T does not remind me of the limits because she knows that I know. I am grateful for that. I would feel extra embarrassed and rejected if she said "Don't even fantasize, I would never be your mommy/ marry you." ARRGGHH! Luckily she never says that.
Posted by Anemone on February 11, 2013, at 12:36:24
In reply to Re: Post-session clingy saddish feelings, posted by sigismund on February 10, 2013, at 1:21:29
Sigismund and Sleepygirl, Exactly! Like the monkeys and cloth mothers! Your both brought up some very interesting points! You understand this so well, thanks! I am glad there is no taboo on neediness in Babbleland.
Posted by baseball55 on February 11, 2013, at 19:19:40
In reply to Thank you Baseball55 » baseball55, posted by Anemone on February 11, 2013, at 11:59:52
> Baseball55,
>
> Your T sounds very nice and kind, very accepting. I am sorry you are sad when he reminded you of the limits. Are you still seeing him?
I see him now for a half-an-hour a month. We have cut back very, very gradually from an hour a week, to half-an-hour, to every two, then every three weeks, now every month. I started seeing another therapist about two years ago for DBT (his suggestion) and I see her twice a month for an hour. I've started to feel a lot less dependent on him. I can actually imagine him retiring (he's in his early 70s) without being devastated. I couldn't have imagined that a year ago. I always understood the limits of the relationship, but I didn't really believe it or accept it. And now, I'm coming to accept it.So that's progress. It's taken me eight years though.
Posted by Dinah on February 13, 2013, at 10:05:22
In reply to Re: Post-session clingy saddish feelings » sigismund, posted by sleepygirl2 on February 10, 2013, at 10:04:44
> My t said that one way for a child to surely not separate is to reject them. And I am most preoccupied with my t and Pdoc when I'm not sure they're there.
I really like that your therapist gets that. It's definitely been true for me. The frame of the therapeutic relationship itself leads to a lot of the very strong feelings, IMO. It both encourages intimacy and has built in withholding and limits.
I suppose in one style of therapy that intensity is part of what leads to understanding and change. But I think other types of therapy have far too little training in it.
Posted by Dinah on February 13, 2013, at 10:09:58
In reply to Re: Post-session clingy saddish feelings » Dinah, posted by Anemone on February 11, 2013, at 11:49:17
> Is your T nice to you now? Hope he is making you feel accepted, and not doing too good a job of "not encouraging" whatever feelings you have.
No, he's never been that rejecting. But clearly we learned a lot of this together. He's not trained in analysis, or to really work with transference. An open mind and willingness to be flexible go a long way. I'd say he's far better trained now. :)
> You are SOO lucky to have a relaxation tape from him. How did you manage to convince him to make one for you?That was actually pretty early in the relationship. He was big into relaxation tapes, but I let him know it would be more helpful to me if it were voiced by someone I trusted.
> I wonder how you could felt so confident that it is OK to feel the way you did. That's a good thing. I feel shy about admitting these feelings, except in Babbleland.
It took a lot of time and a lot of work with my therapist. It can happen with you as well. You just need to continue to be brave in talking about it with your therapist.
Posted by Dinah on February 13, 2013, at 10:11:52
In reply to Re: Post-session clingy saddish feelings » Anemone, posted by Dinah on February 13, 2013, at 10:09:58
It might have helped that I told him with all honesty that he had a perfect voice for relaxation tapes.
He could have a good occupational sideline with it. Or as a reader for books. Or on the radio.
Posted by mmealltalk on February 24, 2013, at 15:12:00
In reply to Re: Post-session clingy saddish feelings, posted by Dinah on February 13, 2013, at 10:11:52
I cringed reading these posts because i feel so sad at the conclusion of sessions and want so much for my therapist to keep me with her forever. At the moment she is on break, which makes matters even more difficult for me, she knows how needy i am, and we discuss it openly. I've seen my t for 22 yrs and i still feel this way, so i don't really see how it will change, but i wish i didn't need her the way i do. On the other hand, I know i do need her so much.
Mel
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