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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 5 to 29 of 35. Go back in thread:
Posted by Dinah on October 13, 2012, at 20:46:35
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging, posted by phillipa on October 12, 2012, at 18:17:41
Well, from a purely physical point of view, there is a loss of function as we get older. My close vision was fine until I turned forty. Then, just as I had been told, I suddenly needed bifocals.
My therapist told me, as my father's health deteriorated, that death wasn't always a single goodbye, or a single loss. It was a series of small losses. A series of small goodbyes. I daresay aging is the same. The only thing to do is mourn the small losses and make the best of what we haven't lost for as long as we can. Radical acceptance.
Posted by Twinleaf on October 14, 2012, at 10:31:05
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » phillipa, posted by Dinah on October 13, 2012, at 20:46:35
I couldn't agree more, Dinah. I think the secret of getting older successfully is just the acceptance you describe, plus making a continuous best effort to maintain, or even develop, what we like best about ourselves. When you have grown children ( my son is now 36, and has two little sons),. I want to remain as loving and appreciative of them as possible, and not rely on them for my own well- being. I also feel that a lot of one's happiness and well- being comes from what we do ourselves in life, separate from our families.
I admire your lack of vanity, Dinah! My hair is still mostly brown, but I do get the grey strands covered with semi- permanent color every 6 weeks. It seems to give me a lift, so no plans for stopping...
Posted by Tabitha on October 14, 2012, at 14:21:01
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » phillipa, posted by Dinah on October 13, 2012, at 20:46:35
I need to look for some gains to offset the losses. The old makes way for the new. That way it's a flow of events, not a building up then a tearing down.
Posted by Dinah on October 14, 2012, at 19:38:08
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging, posted by Tabitha on October 14, 2012, at 14:21:01
> I need to look for some gains to offset the losses. The old makes way for the new. That way it's a flow of events, not a building up then a tearing down.
Well, I do find myself thinking that way. But I strongly suspect you mean it differently. Ever since my doctor told me that as we get older, we need less food, I've been making comments like "I guess I'll take a smaller portion. I need to leave the resources for the next generation or they'll consider me a liability to the pack."
Could you tell me about your more positive view of it?
(How are you doing?)
Posted by Dinah on October 14, 2012, at 19:42:47
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging, posted by Twinleaf on October 14, 2012, at 10:31:05
I wouldn't exactly say it was a lack of vanity, though heaven knows what I'd be vain about. It came about from missing a hair appointment when I was sick one day, and forgetting to reschedule. I have well over an inch of grey now and I'm wondering if I should just let it grow. My hair is naturally a mousy shade and it's now more grey than mouse. Of course, over time I may grow to dislike the disconnect between what I see in my mind and what I see in the mirror when it comes to my hair. I know I hate it about the rest of me.
Posted by Twinleaf on October 15, 2012, at 19:23:39
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » Twinleaf, posted by Dinah on October 14, 2012, at 19:42:47
It can be so hard to even begin to love ourselves the way our important others, amazingly, do....
Posted by Tabitha on October 17, 2012, at 14:23:52
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on October 14, 2012, at 19:38:08
Well yeah, as aging people we eventually have to get out of the way to make room for the young, in the public eye, in the workplace, on the planet. But in our individual lives, there's never really a void after a loss. Something fills it. I think I tended not to notice that, instead was focusing on toting up the losses. For instance I can count family who've died or friends who've moved away as losses. Yet I still have family relations and friend relations, and some of those have deepened over the years, and there are even some new ones. I've lost my career for the time being, perhaps permanently. Yet I still have a daily routine and things to do. So life just changes. My body changes. It helps to learn new things. I can still do physically challenging things even if I have more aches and pains and can't read the fine print. Can't say I achieved this outlook with my own reflection-- the meds help tremendously. For now I'm not viewing things through the awful negative filter of depression.
I'm doing ok. Having more good days than bad, and managing not to be overwhelmed with the fear of possible futures. It's still hard on the bad days to remember that so far, good days inevitably follow.
> > I need to look for some gains to offset the losses. The old makes way for the new. That way it's a flow of events, not a building up then a tearing down.
>
> Well, I do find myself thinking that way. But I strongly suspect you mean it differently. Ever since my doctor told me that as we get older, we need less food, I've been making comments like "I guess I'll take a smaller portion. I need to leave the resources for the next generation or they'll consider me a liability to the pack."
>
> Could you tell me about your more positive view of it?
>
> (How are you doing?)
Posted by Dinah on October 18, 2012, at 7:36:18
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on October 17, 2012, at 14:23:52
I like that! It is a nice realistic approach, and not excessively cheerful.
It's especially something I need to keep in mind as my son approaches college age. My inclination is to cry because I'll be losing my little boy, and to remember sticky fingers and warm hugs. But I need to keep in mind that in its place is a fine young man, and that's a blessing of its own.
At least I'll try.
Do you miss your therapist at all? (Assuming that your parting wasn't an already finished break.)
I was all set to start spacing my own visits when I realized that I couldn't call my mother except on my way to sessions. Timing just isn't right.
Posted by gadchik on October 18, 2012, at 9:31:45
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2012, at 7:36:18
Ive just been through that,dropping your son off at college.I kept thinking thats when I would spiral down and stay there.However, I enjoy seeing him succeed and its still sad, but I didnt go to crazytown! Didnt help though that Im also on the cusp of menopause...
Posted by Tabitha on October 18, 2012, at 12:18:13
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2012, at 7:36:18
> I like that! It is a nice realistic approach, and not excessively cheerful.
Dinah if you ever notice me being excessively cheerful, please speak up. No doubt it would mean I need a med adjustment :-)
>
> It's especially something I need to keep in mind as my son approaches college age. My inclination is to cry because I'll be losing my little boy, and to remember sticky fingers and warm hugs. But I need to keep in mind that in its place is a fine young man, and that's a blessing of its own.
>
> At least I'll try.That's the spirit. There's something to balance the tears and sadness. Plus that little boy is still in your memory and pictures.
>
> Do you miss your therapist at all? (Assuming that your parting wasn't an already finished break.)Really I don't. A few weeks after terminating I wrote her a letter. The main themes were to reassure her that I was doing fine, refelct a bit on the highs and lows of our relationship, and let her know I was still convinced that terminating was a good thing. She didn't respond. I was a tiny bit disappointed. I guess I would have liked some acknowledgement for my effort. Since then I notice I hardly think of her. There was one really really bad day where I felt tempted to call. I was desperate for even the tiny bit of comfort I would have gotten. But I didn't, and that bad day passed. Sometimes I think there's truly something wrong with my attachment style that I let go of that relationship so easily.
>
> I was all set to start spacing my own visits when I realized that I couldn't call my mother except on my way to sessions. Timing just isn't right.You'll know when and if it is.
Posted by 64bowtie on October 20, 2012, at 7:12:11
In reply to Psychology of aging, posted by Dinah on October 12, 2012, at 8:34:21
>>> I suppose I realized through experience that one could be old and still not be at all mature.
<<< Why do I want to say, "DUH!!!" Just look around... I hope I don't sound toooo cynical... This phenomenon keeps me in groceries and pays my rent...
Rod
Posted by Dinah on October 24, 2012, at 21:40:39
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » Dinah, posted by gadchik on October 18, 2012, at 9:31:45
I'm hoping I can feel that way too.
My husband and I will have to remember what we used to talk about. :)
Posted by Dinah on October 24, 2012, at 21:43:55
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on October 18, 2012, at 12:18:13
That's wonderful!
I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with your attachment style if you attach with others. It might just be the relationship dynamics.
I do remember when my therapist went out of the country, it was actually easier if I didn't hear from him. Contact was destabilizing. So maybe it's just as well.
Although of course we all hope for a "good" goodbye, if a goodbye there is.
Posted by Dinah on October 24, 2012, at 21:44:56
In reply to (((Dinah))) Psychology of aging, posted by 64bowtie on October 20, 2012, at 7:12:11
Maturity isn't all that wonderful, at least not from my point of view.
Posted by Dinah on October 24, 2012, at 21:46:23
In reply to Psychology of aging, posted by Dinah on October 12, 2012, at 8:34:21
My hair has grown out a bit more. I won't be leaving it grey. I had my hair pulled back today and scared myself when I looked in the mirror.
Posted by Phillipa on October 25, 2012, at 18:51:10
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging, posted by Dinah on October 24, 2012, at 21:46:23
Dinah good allow yourself the luxary of coloring your hair. But wait til the wrinkles start. Not a pretty picture at all. They said what's inside is what's important. Somehow I don't totally buy this. Phillipa
Posted by TemporarilyBob on October 26, 2012, at 1:57:38
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on October 25, 2012, at 18:51:10
I used to joke around when I was an undergrad or teen, when someone eventually asked that stupid question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I'd say "50".
I hit 50 this July ... still not all that grown up.
I think back to undergrad and what MUST have been someone playing a practical joke. Once a month, for about three months, I got mail to my dorm room from different seminaries asking things like "Have you ever considered the contemplative life?" Comments on my (lack of a ) love life, I was thinking. Then I got the letter from AARP: "Congratulations! You're over 50 and retired, so you're receiving a free membership!"
I think back to turning 30 and all the dread I had of that ... and a much older sister saying, "When you hit 40, you'll say to yourself 'Why can't I be 30 again?' 30's easy ... think back to being 20 and ask yourself if you'd want to go through THAT again!" And that made 30 easy. So did the party for my best friend's birthday with about 20 friends, 11 days before mine, and they bring out the cake and it's decorated for MY 30th birthday, not her 27th! SURPRISE! I still am in denial that the party was really for me.
40 was a blind date ... day-time date when I was living in Manhattan. Very wonderful woman took me to Chelsea Piers, a big "sports" complex on the Hudson near the West Village and we did that bowling thing in UV light with fluorescent pins and balls and lane markers and such, then got drunk at Hogs and Heifers, the bar that inspired the movie "Coyote Ugly". Too bad we didn't click, but it was definitely the best blind date I've had and one of my best birthdays, even though I didn't spend a minute of it with someone I knew prior to that day.
50? I'm living in a sublet sharing a house with an architectural grad student and a biochem lab rat. The grad student gets home at 10:30pm from his summer job, stops by my room and asks about my day, so I tell him it's my 50th birthday. He's shocked! Him: "Why didn't you tell us?" Me: "Are you surprised?" Him: "Hell yeah!" Me: "Well, I like surprise parties...." So me and the lab rat and him go to a local brewpub, toss down a few respectable local brews and some cake with coffee-flavored ice cream (missed that on the menu -- I *detest* coffee) that was far too rich to go with the stout and the IPA I had.
Seems like year after year, milestone after milestone, the tread on the tires is wearing thin enough that it just doesn't make as big an impression in the dirt any longer. And I'm just fine with that. Sure, I have my gray hairs now, but I've earned every one and then some, and I wear'em like a badge.
Posted by Dinah on October 26, 2012, at 8:38:39
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging, posted by TemporarilyBob on October 26, 2012, at 1:57:38
I wonder if some of that is gender related.
For me, I have little interest in how the world views me, so I think the gender impact is limited.
But it does bother me to not see the person I expect to see in the mirror. I keep what superficial things I can the same, so I'm not too shocked. And I try not to look at my face, in order to reduce my self hatred when I see my mother's face in that mirror instead of my own.
Funniest thing. I looked nothing at all like my mother when I was young. I looked like my father.
Posted by Dinah on November 7, 2012, at 18:37:45
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » Dinah, posted by gadchik on October 18, 2012, at 9:31:45
It just hit me that I only have another two years with him. Once he leaves, he'll likely never come back.
Posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2012, at 20:31:46
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » gadchik, posted by Dinah on November 7, 2012, at 18:37:45
Who your Son? He's not that old? Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on November 7, 2012, at 21:27:58
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2012, at 20:31:46
Time passes so fast. :(
Posted by Phillipa on November 8, 2012, at 9:11:59
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on November 7, 2012, at 21:27:58
Dinah how well I know how old is he now? Phillipa
Posted by gadchik on November 8, 2012, at 13:11:58
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » gadchik, posted by Dinah on November 7, 2012, at 18:37:45
I was driving past my now 20yr old's elementary school last night,I saw a woman and her son walking side by side. Oh i lost it(im in hormonal hell anyway). And guess what song was playing on my radio? "Dust in the Wind". I had a flashback of my son at 3,and me walking hand in hand toward the school.I took him there one day to show him where the big boys go all day. He said,"Mommy, I want to stay with you all day"...I know Im wallowing some days...:(
Posted by Phillipa on November 8, 2012, at 20:43:41
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » Dinah, posted by gadchik on November 8, 2012, at 13:11:58
Memories. Time goes by in a flash of light doesn't it? P
Posted by gadchik on November 9, 2012, at 6:49:03
In reply to Re: Psychology of aging » gadchik, posted by Phillipa on November 8, 2012, at 20:43:41
Hey P,yes, it all passes by quickly...but I feel alot better today. Ive used my cbt and thought of the alternatives...either being dead,no more memories,or my son still sitting in his room wanting to hang out with mom all day...time and life goes on. I will have grandkids one day and I want to be a big part of their lives. My husband thinks Im too dramatic about all it all-empty nest-and I think he is enjoying having raised a child and now he's off to college and successful.I do feel happy about it,but also still have memories of my little companion for the past 20 years.
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