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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on November 29, 2011, at 23:03:48
I find myself exploring what feels like old ground in therapy the past few weeks. It isn't that I doubt that I'm working with the right person, it just feels like I have to check all this out again. Like some part of me is testing him - wanting to be sure he feels the way I feel or that he is as committed to this work with me as I need him to be.I asked him about being bored with me - I was researching something and one of the main threads were therapists talking about being bored with the same old complaints - depression, marital strife, self-esteem issues, etc. My therapist did not just leap in and say he wasn't bored, he considered the questions and said it seems like he should be every now and then, after 8 years, but he isn't. He said he thinks it is because we are both engaged in the process and that we use humor a lot - so he likes working with me. He said he finds himself frustrated with me sometimes because I close down on him or keep him out - but not bored.
And we've been working on some pretty sensitive sexual topics - so I asked if this is where he tells me it would be better to work with a female therapist for awhile, especially since some of this requires talking about my sometimes sexual feelings for him. He said he didn't believe gender made a difference -- that these kinds of feelings come up when they need to come up. He talked a lot about how a deep connection and safety allow what feel like really unsafe feelings to emerge and be talked about. He did say that a female therapist could offer a different perspective on female sexuality and some of the struggles and he was open to me seeing someone else if I needed to do that. But he pointed out that they were unlikely, at least at first, to be able to provide the safety to go as deep as we usually do.
I felt reassured but I'm still questioning all of this. Would it be better to work with a woman, or just different?
Posted by pegasus on November 30, 2011, at 11:27:43
In reply to Male versus Female, posted by Daisym on November 29, 2011, at 23:03:48
Just different, I'm guessing. And you know he's right about the fact that it would probably take a long time to feel safe enough with a new person of any gender to talk about this stuff.
I also wonder whether sexual feelings might come up if you got that close to a female T, too. We hear about that a lot here. And that might be even *harder* or at least more complicated to talk about, because you are not (I gather) homosexual.
It's so amazing and hopeful to hear you talk about doing this work. I'd love to get there someday. I can't imagine talking about sexual issues with any T I've ever had. Even with my current T, with whom I feel no sexual tension (actually, ew).
- Peg
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 30, 2011, at 12:14:54
In reply to Male versus Female, posted by Daisym on November 29, 2011, at 23:03:48
I agree, just different. I would stay with the deep connection and level of safety you feel with him. Honestly.
Posted by Daisym on November 30, 2011, at 19:04:13
In reply to Re: Male versus Female, posted by pegasus on November 30, 2011, at 11:27:43
I'm surprised - really, you haven't talked about sex/sexual feelings? I guess it depends on the issues that bring you into therapy.
The hardest part for me is that I keep landing on the same spot - because of my history, I think I'm not supposed to ever have an interest in sex, or feel aroused, etc. etc. Yet, since this doesn't seem to be true, there is an epic battle within me and so much shame. And the only way to get to the core of it is to examining both sides of these feelings and that means talking about them. I told him I want to throw a blanket over my head during sessions. His response: "Do you think I haven't heard it, felt it, done it or all of the above?"
Color me red now....
Posted by Daisym on November 30, 2011, at 19:07:24
In reply to Re: Male versus Female » Daisym, posted by TherapyGirl on November 30, 2011, at 12:14:54
I guess I'm wondering if different means easier. But safety is huge too - and perhaps it just isn't easy, it is necessary. What makes it really hard is that my therapist wants me to try and stay present when we talk so no drifting up to the ceiling or distancing myself from the feelings - well, in theory anyway.
I need a girls' night at camp comfort where we act like preteens talking about all this stuff. I never had that.
Posted by annierose on November 30, 2011, at 20:08:08
In reply to Re: Male versus Female » TherapyGirl, posted by Daisym on November 30, 2011, at 19:07:24
I never had that preteen camp fire sex talk either. But I do get some of that with the young girls at work. Some of the women are in college or 20's and i join in and get silly and you are right ... there is something healing and normal about these kinds of silly girl talks about boys.
I am lucky the women I work with let me join these conversations.
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 30, 2011, at 20:14:32
In reply to Re: Male versus Female » TherapyGirl, posted by Daisym on November 30, 2011, at 19:07:24
Count me in on girls' night. I never really had that either.
Posted by pegasus on December 1, 2011, at 9:36:26
In reply to Re: Male versus Female » pegasus, posted by Daisym on November 30, 2011, at 19:04:13
Oh, wow, your T is great. Yes, that sounds like an embarrassing conversation, but he's so good at giving you permission. Do you feel that part of it, too, along with being embarrassed?
Yeah, sadly, I have never talked about sex in therapy. Maybe it's just that other things always seemed bigger and more important. But I'm sure part of it is my upbringing. I had the kind of parents who *never* referred to sex in any way.
On the plus side, I seem to have a fairly healthy sex life, somehow. Probably due to my husband and his wonderful way of making me feel at home in pretty much any situation. He thinks sex is fun and hilarious, and his light, silly approach infects me in a way that makes it all feel OK.
That's the most I've ever said about sex to anyone besides my DH ever. And here for all the world to see (blushing)
- P
Posted by Dinah on December 4, 2011, at 14:40:26
In reply to Male versus Female, posted by Daisym on November 29, 2011, at 23:03:48
I did see a female therapist, as you know, and we did work on sexual issues. I didn't experience any deep connection with her, so my experience may not translate well.
She did say one or two very useful things that still stick with me. I didn't feel like she was more empathetic on sexual issues. My therapist helped me more in one session than she ever did because he entered my world and helped me see it differently, rather than trying to change me as she did. She was working on the assumption that healthy sexuality meant certain things, and that I needed to learn to enjoy them. My therapist, for that one session at least, worked on the assumption that healthy sexuality didn't have to look like the standard recipe. That I could playfully enjoy what I did enjoy without feeling pressure to conform, and that it didn't mean letting my husband down. He was right.
So... I think the individual makes more of a difference than the gender.
I did like her, certainly far better than the other male and female not-my-therapists I saw now and then. But I did feel that she was more judgmental than my therapist, and I suspect I might find that with female therapists. Because I'm a bit odd, and I think that may be accepted better from someone who approaches from a position of otherness. Or if I were lucky enough to find an odd female therapist. :)
Posted by Dinah on December 6, 2011, at 12:17:19
In reply to Re: Male versus Female » Daisym, posted by pegasus on December 1, 2011, at 9:36:26
Pegasus, you are a lucky woman in this area. Sex can be hilarious, and having a spouse who understands that is a real gift.
This is the end of the thread.
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