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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by peddidle on July 11, 2009, at 20:56:21
Hi all. I know I haven't been around in a long time, but I really need help right now...
I had to leave my therapist of over 5 years in May, because I graduated from college. She talked about termination [*cringe* I HATE that word...] many times, about how the relationship we have is special, and it's mine, and I get to take it with me, etc. I always reiterated that I knew I was going to have a hard time with that, because I have a very difficult time feeling a connection to someone when they're not physically there, or when I haven't seen them in a while. That's about the extent that I would get into it, mostly because I was in complete denial, and I was still holding onto the hope that I could at least see her over the summer. She works at the college, but she also has a private practice, and since I was taking summer classes, I was able to see her at that office last summer. I am nearby again this summer, so I asked her if I could still see her, and she said no, because I needed to be finished with "this" [school], and that she's part of that. But, she also said no because she thinks I need more/different kind of therapy than she is able to provide (she thinks I need DBT), so it wouldn't be ethical for her to keep seeing me. I asked her if we could just try it, and then if she still feels that way, I'll have to accept it, but if I could just have through the summer to have more time to at least work on coming to terms with leaving, etc, etc. I told her that I wasn't going to see another therapist, so even if she thinks I need something more, or different, wouldn't seeing her still be better than nothing? She asked why it would be any easier given more time. I said I know it would still be extremely difficult, but maybe I would handle it better if we worked on it more, and I wasn't allowed to completely avoid it.
I saw her several times during the last week before graduation. She wanted to take me out to lunch on that Thursday, and then have another double session after, but I was so depressed that whole week over graduation, and leaving her, and everything else, that I had absolutely no appetite at all, so we ended up just having like a 4 hour session, and she suggested we do lunch before our session the following Monday (after graduation). As we were leaving, she said she would her email tomorrow (Friday). Well, I emailed her Thursday night, and I didn't hear from her, so I called her office and left a voicemail, but I still didn't hear anything. But, it was OK, because I knew I could at least process the weekend with her on Monday. Well, Monday came, and I got an email from her saying that she needed to reschedule for Tuesday because there was something wrong with her car, and her cell phone wouldn't hold a charge, so she was uncomfortable driving 2 hours (roundtrip to the college and back). I told her I understood, which was true, and asked her if we were still having lunch. So Tuesday came, and she said that we could only have like a 40min session, because she had to do all her end of the year paperwork, and she also had her son with her, because he was sick and she knew if she sent him to school they would just send him home. OK, I was a little upset, but it was still better than nothing. I said that was OK, and reminded her that my parents were coming to help me pack that day, and then we were moving out of my apartment tomorrow (Wednesday), but that I could probably cut out for a while if it would be better for her to see me then. She said that would actually be better, because then she wouldn't have to move her son, etc. I emailed her back and said "You'll definitely be here tomorrow, right?" She said, "I'll be here." OK, so I was going to see her Wednesday afternoon. The movers came early in the morning, and my parents drove home to meet them there while I hung around until my appointment. Well, as soon as they left (around 10AM), I checked my email, and saw an email from someone in Counseling Services saying my therapist wouldn't be in, and she would email me later in the day. I burst into tears, and I was just hysterical. Besides the obvious stuff, I had another gift for her, and I was waiting until our last session to give it to her (I ended up leaving it in the office for her before I left). I finally got an email from her saying that she had to take her son to the doctor and she was sorry she wasn't there, and she would email me the list of referrals when she got back to the office the next day or the day after. I asked her if we could at least talk on the phone tomorrow (Thursday). She said we could do that, so I asked her to wait to open the present until I was on the phone with her. So we talked that Thursday for about 40min, maybe a little less, because she had to go to a session at her other office (I hate when she says that, it makes me so sad and jealous). She reminded me that I could still email her, etc. And that was it. I emailed her a few times, and didn't hear anything, which isn't that unusual for her. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I was having a really hard time, because I don't know anyone where I'm living right now, and I'm not enjoying my internship, etc, so I started emailing her, and my computer crashed. So I called her office and left a voicemail asking her to call me or email me, and I would try to email her from my office the next day. Just hearing her voice on the machine made me start crying. She emailed me the next morning saying that she had just gotten to her office and heard her voicemail, and that she was about to start a session, but to email her, and she would try to get back to me by the end of the day. Again, I was literally in the middle of writing her a very long email, so I just finished it quickly and sent it. She wrote back later saying that I should look in certain newspapers for things to do. I don't know if I was angry, or hurt, or sad, or what, but it was like that email was written in a different language or something. I mean, it was normal, there wasn't anything even remotely mean, or offensive, or upsetting, but it wasn't what I expected. Actually, I don't know what I expected, but she knows me, and I can't imagine how she could have thought I would be comforted or helped by that brief, one-line email. I wrote back, and I sent her something completely unrelated a few days later, just because I happened to come across it, but I haven't heard from her since. Also, I friended her on facebook, because I saw that a few of my friends who saw her and graduated before me were friends with her, and I thought now that I graduated, it would be OK to do that, but she rejected my request. I'm not sure what to make of that...
I am trying not to email or call her, because I know I need to keep that distance in order to get past this, but I feel like it's getting harder and harder to live with the fact that I can't see her or talk to her anymore. I'm trying not to pick up the phone and call her office just to listen to her voice on the machine, because I know it'll just make me more upset. I'm trying not to email her, because it hurts when she doesn't respond, and it hurts even more when she does respond, because it makes me miss her even more. I just don't know what to do. I mean, I could talk to my friends, but no one can really understand what this feels like unless they've been in therapy, and had a really strong bond with their therapist. I gave in few weeks ago and called one of the therapists on her list. I talked to her for about 20min, and I even made a tentative appointment, but I ended up cancelling it, because I started crying when I was telling her about my therapist, etc. and I was hysterical by the time I hung up, so I knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it. Plus, as of now, I'm only going to be in the area for the summer, so it's too much to start and end that quickly. Just the idea of starting over with a new therapist brings me to tears.
One of the things that worries me the most is that this feels like a death. I have Complicated Bereavement issues-- My best friend died a little over 4 years ago, and for a year or two after, I had dreams about her nearly every night. Now, I've noticed that my therapist has often been appearing in my dreams. I don't know what to do. I don't want to cry anymore, but I miss her so much. I kind of want to email her and ask her to respond just so I can prove to my subconscious that she's still alive. That sounds silly. I don't want to put her in an awkward position of giving me the contact I want, but trying to make me keep the distance that I need, or putting her in some weird convoluted ethical dilemma where she knows she shouldn't respond because, technically she's not "my therapist" anymore. And, I also don't want to just hear her say that I need to see another therapist. I know I still need therapy, but just the thought of starting over with someone else is too overwhelming, and makes me miss her even more.
Sorry I wrote so much, but I would really appreciate any advice, or insight, or ANYTHING anyone could give me, because I am completely lost.
Thanks!
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 11, 2009, at 21:22:03
In reply to I miss my therapist so much it hurts (very long), posted by peddidle on July 11, 2009, at 20:56:21
I won't be of any help to you, Peddidle, because I'm in almost exactly the same space with my T. But I feel for you and I understand your feelings completely. If you figure out how to handle it better than I have, please let me know.
I'm thinking about you.
Posted by Sigismund on July 12, 2009, at 0:35:13
In reply to I miss my therapist so much it hurts (very long), posted by peddidle on July 11, 2009, at 20:56:21
>I am trying not to email or call her, because I know I need to keep that distance in order to get past this, but I feel like it's getting harder and harder to live with the fact that I can't see her or talk to her anymore. I'm trying not to pick up the phone and call her office just to listen to her voice on the machine, because I know it'll just make me more upset. I'm trying not to email her, because it hurts when she doesn't respond, and it hurts even more when she does respond, because it makes me miss her even more. I just don't know what to do. I mean, I could talk to my friends, but no one can really understand what this feels like unless they've been in therapy, and had a really strong bond with their therapist.
Ah, the human heart.I wonder how many good terminations there are?
Mine wasn't crash hot.
You always hope that there is a space in their heart for you and never believe there is, because your contact is bound by the limits of therapy.
(Was this where my T talked about me getting inside her?
I forget, it's so long ago.
When I asked her about her training analysis she said she'd forgotten the details, which [she said] was maybe just as well.)Still and all, my belief is that missing someone is our way of keeping them alive in us, and is therefore good, though painful.
Posted by Phillipa on July 12, 2009, at 12:41:31
In reply to Re: I miss my therapist so much it hurts (very long), posted by Sigismund on July 12, 2009, at 0:35:13
Interesting thought Sigi. Love PJ
Posted by mmealltalk on July 13, 2009, at 19:51:00
In reply to Re: I miss my therapist so much it hurts (very long) » Sigismund, posted by Phillipa on July 12, 2009, at 12:41:31
Hi- Honestly i can't imagine being in your situation as i am not terminating treatment, but i will say just reading your predicament made me cry. It must be so painful to say goodbye to somebody you open your heart to and develop such a deep relationship with. I cant imagine what you might be feeling, but i am with you in understanding that this is a huge change that will probably be difficult to deal with. Personally, i would try to hold on to all the good you felt while you were working with her, and remember that as what she had meant to you. Everyine has to move on, and change is inevitable, but that doesnt mean its not painful. Try to do what best makes you content and realize that you are closing one chapter of your life and beginning another. Best of luck. I hope this helps a little.
Mel
Posted by friesandcoke on July 18, 2009, at 22:09:28
In reply to I miss my therapist so much it hurts (very long), posted by peddidle on July 11, 2009, at 20:56:21
if she is clearly sending you messages that the two of you shouldn't be in touch anymore because it was for lack of a better word, a "business" relationship (there was money involved, right? you were buying her services), then go with one of her referrals and talk this through with them. i know the horrible feeling when your T seems more like a family member than a "business arrangement" but they don't see YOU as family. it is gosh darn painful. and you need some closure, even if you can't get it from her. i don't like the way she is handling this based on your description.
Posted by peddidle on July 19, 2009, at 18:43:46
In reply to Re: I miss my therapist so much it hurts (very long), posted by friesandcoke on July 18, 2009, at 22:09:28
No, there was no money involved, because there are not charges anything at the college's Counseling Services. I know she cares about me-- she said termination is difficult for her too, and I believe that... but, she still gets to be with herself (I know that sounds stupid, but I don't know how else to describe it.) I told her I wasn't going to see anyone else, and she kept telling me things like there are other really good therapists out there, and she's really not that special, etc. I could argue that last point to death, but she is very humble, and human in that way, which is just one of the things I love about her. I agree with what you wrote in your post below-- if I can't see her, then I just don't want to be in therapy at all, no matter how foolish that may seem-- I can't go through the process of telling my life story to another person, building trust with a complete strange, and taking x number of years to form as strong a "therapeutic relationship" as the one I had/have, etc, etc, etc...
> if she is clearly sending you messages that the two of you shouldn't be in touch anymore because it was for lack of a better word, a "business" relationship (there was money involved, right? you were buying her services), then go with one of her referrals and talk this through with them. i know the horrible feeling when your T seems more like a family member than a "business arrangement" but they don't see YOU as family. it is gosh darn painful. and you need some closure, even if you can't get it from her. i don't like the way she is handling this based on your description.
Posted by peddidle on July 19, 2009, at 18:44:59
In reply to Re: I miss my therapist so much it hurts (very long) » peddidle, posted by TherapyGirl on July 11, 2009, at 21:22:03
> I won't be of any help to you, Peddidle, because I'm in almost exactly the same space with my T. But I feel for you and I understand your feelings completely. If you figure out how to handle it better than I have, please let me know.
**Ditto ;)
>
> I'm thinking about you.**Thank you.
Posted by peddidle on July 19, 2009, at 18:57:14
In reply to Re: I miss my therapist so much it hurts (very long), posted by mmealltalk on July 13, 2009, at 19:51:00
> Hi- Honestly i can't imagine being in your situation as i am not terminating treatment, but i will say just reading your predicament made me cry. It must be so painful to say goodbye to somebody you open your heart to and develop such a deep relationship with. I cant imagine what you might be feeling, but i am with you in understanding that this is a huge change that will probably be difficult to deal with.
**That's similar to what I used to say to people on here until last year. ;)
Personally, i would try to hold on to all the good you felt while you were working with her, and remember that as what she had meant to you.
**That's what she kept telling me, but I have a very difficult time sitting with "the good" and experiencing it for what it is, without experiencing the extreme feelings associated with the loss.
Everyine has to move on, and change is inevitable, but that doesnt mean its not painful. Try to do what best makes you content and realize that you are closing one chapter of your life and beginning another. Best of luck. I hope this helps a little.
> Mel
>**I have an extreme difficulty dealing with change, and that was something I was working on with my T, but, obviously, we didn't even get close to finishing. So, I think the multitude of related changes happening at once (graduation, finishing school, entering the "real world", leaving T-- without whom, I know I would not have survived 6 years of school, etc.) is what is making this even more difficult... though the situation with my T is certainly the most significant, because I told her, and I strongly believe, that I could handle everything else a lot better if I wasn't also losing her.
Posted by AbandonedAgain on November 20, 2011, at 20:13:57
In reply to Re: I miss my therapist so much it hurts (very long), posted by peddidle on July 19, 2009, at 18:57:14
Hi-
I know this is years after this posting, so I'm doubtful that I will get a response. I was just looking on the internet for some sort of empathetic response to the situation I'm in, which is similar to yours. Actually, I was looking for some sort of good coping mechanism to help with the fact that I will soon be losing my therapist, as I'm graduating from college. Anyways, I came across your story, and it reads just like mine. Only, this happened to you a couple years ago, and it's happening to me now, and I don't know how to deal with it. I will miss her SO much, there aren't even words for it. I was hoping you'd have some words of wisdom, now that you're a bit out from the experience itself. So I can kinda say, "See? She (he?) did it, and they felt just as bad as me, so I can do it too." I don't know, probably silly of me to even think of it, but guess I'm feeling a bit desperate.
I've been seeing my counselor for only a year, and this May, I'll have to say goodbye forever. For ever. Do you know how long that is? It kills me to even think about it. I break down into tears out of nowhere, like at the grocery store, because I randomly think of her. I don't know how to make it stop, or move past it. Any advice at all would be appreciated.
I do hope you're doing better now.
Posted by kerria on November 23, 2011, at 8:58:16
In reply to Re: I miss my therapist so much it hurts (very long), posted by AbandonedAgain on November 20, 2011, at 20:13:57
Hi AbandonedAgain,
i'm so sorry you are having to leave your T.
If it's bc of graduating- are you sure? There may be allowances for alumni students to see therapists. You could ask- saying you need help with transitioning- and you can most likely keep in touch at least.
There are also new people you will meet that you don't know yet and someone may more than fill the relationship you're ending now- a new T or a new friend you will meet.
Best wishes,
kerria
Posted by bexisbored on December 1, 2011, at 11:09:13
In reply to Re: I miss my therapist so much it hurts (very long), posted by AbandonedAgain on November 20, 2011, at 20:13:57
I'm going through the same thing which led me here. Whenever I start focusing on the negative (e.g. I will never see her again), I try to remember what it is that I discovered with her, learned from the experience, and remember that I will always have that: the discoveries, the experience, and that in this way she's still with me. That's what she gave to me and now I can share this with myself, or another. Someone gave it to her. It's what makes a human. And as I live, that will always be a part of me, just like I will somehow be a part of her. We'll all go on and this is what we can carry with us. It's sad, yes, but it's also incredibly beautiful... it's life! Stop looking back and learn to look forward... there are so many people you can share this with, not just therapists.
Posted by Solstice on December 1, 2011, at 13:39:23
In reply to Re: I miss my therapist so much it hurts (very long), posted by bexisbored on December 1, 2011, at 11:09:13
First - Welcome Bexis!Although somewhat different than what you describe here, I also found this site while struggling through a painful part of therapy. Again.. it's good to have you here.
Solstice
> I'm going through the same thing which led me here. Whenever I start focusing on the negative (e.g. I will never see her again), I try to remember what it is that I discovered with her, learned from the experience, and remember that I will always have that: the discoveries, the experience, and that in this way she's still with me. That's what she gave to me and now I can share this with myself, or another. Someone gave it to her. It's what makes a human. And as I live, that will always be a part of me, just like I will somehow be a part of her. We'll all go on and this is what we can carry with us. It's sad, yes, but it's also incredibly beautiful... it's life! Stop looking back and learn to look forward... there are so many people you can share this with, not just therapists.
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