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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Tabitha on May 6, 2011, at 5:09:47
It feels unbearable. I've got overwhelming job responsibilities and conflicts with people there, a crisis in my relationship, and the situation with my therapist has flip-flopped into a weirdly paradoxical situation. I had a 3 hour session Tuesday night, and was so hammered afterward I took a sick day in which I slept most of the day. I worked today, and the conflict there had me exhausted and drained by 6 pm, yet once I got home I got wired by the aftermath. I re-live the awful conflicts of the day and get wired up and up and don't sleep. I actually handled it well in objective terms, but at night, this torture starts.
My therapist has this all framed in positive terms about me growing and developing an identify (although paradoxically, if I want to accept that interpretation, I'm taking her story instead of my own yet again, just like I did before I supposedly developed my own identity).
The latest idea is about avoiding losing myself in relationships. So she coached me through one possible response to one of the crises. Yet so much comes at me every day, and there's nobody to coach me through every one of those encounters. And this terrible aftermath. I can't tell if it's just the sheer terror of what I went through in the day, or my inner critic somehow attacking me, or what.
Notice I'm all speaking the therapy-speak again despite my recent utter rejection of it all. You know why? My alternate system broke, and I'm desperate, and she's the best advisor I have. I was "in" the interpretation she gave me totally for a day. I think it was true, I hope it was true. Or was it her story again?
I want to be in her story, because my story is just that I'm terrified and suffering and clueless (and therapy doesn't help). All I have is that it will feel better in the morning. That's really very little comfort in the moment.
Posted by Dinah on May 7, 2011, at 9:01:12
In reply to Pressure, posted by Tabitha on May 6, 2011, at 5:09:47
From what I remember about your work situation, it would be overwhelming to many, of not most, people. Is there any way to maintain a decent lifestyle in a less stressful job?
Recently someone at my office went through a life threatening illness. It looks like this person will live, but the general office consensus is that it would be crazy to come back after almost dying to *this*. Which, when you think about it, is a rather odd way of thinking about it. Any of us could drop dead tomorrow, and if it's not the way we want this person to live after facing death, why is it the way we want to live? Still, habit is hard to break.
Therapy can help vent the stress. I suppose it could conceivably help us see things from a different point of view. But it can't change the reality. Although I suppose it could help us prepare to change the reality, if that's the focus.
I agree with you about the irony of accepting her point of view meaning that you are developing your own identity. :)
I'm not sure I could tolerate a three hour session! For that matter, I'm pretty sure my therapist couldn't either. Do you think it was overall helpful?
Thank heavens for the weekend. I hope things are calmer next week.
Posted by pegasus on May 9, 2011, at 9:57:33
In reply to Pressure, posted by Tabitha on May 6, 2011, at 5:09:47
Hi Tabitha,
I don't recall your work situation, but it sounds awful. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. If it's terrifying, and you feel clueless, then no wonder you can't wind down at the end of the day. I'd be ruminating all night, too.
Your concern about accepting your Ts story - that it means maybe you aren't becoming as independent as her story says you are - is interesting. I can relate to that. I guess reframing things in a more positive way, and pointing out progress that might otherwise escape our notice, is part of what a T can be good for. And allowing the possibility of her view containing truth seems good. So, there's the question of where that line is between just adopting her view wholesale because you can't make or don't trust your own, versus developing your own view, which perhaps derives elements from the parts of her view which resonate for you.
I wish you lots of success dealing with this intense pressure.
- Peg
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