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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 13, 2011, at 15:38:17
Whenever events occur that make me really upset, I imagine myself telling my therapist about it in the moment-- of these many, many events that I imagine telling him about, hardly any actually end up being shared. But these events happen so often-- and the only way to deal with them are to imagine sharing the rage and frustration with him, so he can make it better.
When these events happen, they ruin my entire day-- they make it so that I can't focus, and increasingly, I am overtaken by a nausea. Today, I went with a formal group of individuals to visit an Orthodox Church. I was really looking forward all week to this trip. But it was nothing like I had expected. It was a really long service, and my mind reverted back to the feelings of chaos, nausea, and despair induced around and within my last session. I began to just think about my therapist, and how I needed his presence, and about how empty I felt and all of the things I needed to share with him. This happens a lot. I have probably about 100+ conversations with my therapist each day-- in my head and out loud. But they are totally imaginative; he is not really here. And in each conversation, I am a different way-- a different self with a different mood and tone. It really f*cks it up during a session, because when is really there, I don't know how to be. And then I can't possibly share all with him in reality what I have already shared in my imagination.
But what happened today: I couldn't help but be drastically aware that all of the leaders of the service were men. I began to feel anger, hatred, then rage. I grew up in a very converservative Presbyterian denomination where women were never allowed to be pastors or even Sunday School teachers. Authority has always been male, and I really think that is a part of my problem today-- in how I act around male authority figures. But our group got to have a a Q&A session with the priest after the service was over, and one of the females in our group asked the priest to explain the role of women in the Orthodox Church and to tell why no women were participating in leadership.
He said: the priesthood is male (translated: authority is male). He said that women have a role to play, but they just can't do THIS role. He saida: the priesthood is male because Christ came as a male. At that point, I felt nauseous and had the simulaneous urge to cry, scream, and walk out of the church. But I sat there as tears filled my eyes-- but didn't cry.I just feel enraged-- at the system, at the oppression of it, at the fact because some groups are shrouded in "tradition" they therefore are seen as immune to critique. I feel enraged with all of the white, male, type-A personality pastors to whom I have given so much authority and whose approval I have sought so slavishly the past many years. What I am saying is not against men in general. Many men are not this way; and actually, there are many women who are patriarchy and feed into the system. For example, my therapist is male, but to me, in his attitude and way of being of his compassion, sincerity, honesty, and sensitivity exemplifies the exact opposite of patriarchy; not femininity, but total, compassionate humanity, that transcends gender stereotypes.
I just needed to share this-- because it enraged me so much.
The nausea is getting worse. It takes my appetite. It makes me feel perpeually spinning. It comes with rage. It comes with despair. It comes with chaos, with being too full of things to say, with loneliness, with hoplessness. It is always there. The nausea of my existence.
I really want my therapist right now. I think this everyday, but especially in moments of pain, like this.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 13, 2011, at 16:29:53
In reply to Enraged, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 13, 2011, at 15:38:17
I just want to cry-- I feel so overwhelmed. Yesterday was actually a better day. I focused on each task that I needed to get done, concentrated, and made some progress. But today has been a waste.
Yesterday, I slept in until noon. Sleeping seems like the best reality most of the time, once I can finally get to sleep. Even for the worst nights, the morning is usually like a 'reset' button. Most mornings, when I get up, I have a couple of instants or moments where it is a sensation of not knowing what I am or who I am or what any of this is. And then, I remember most of it, and start anew. But the feelings are often reset, ready to surge forth at any moment. But yesterday, after I got up, I didn't feel suicidal most of the day-- I even had the sensation during this time that although I know I had felt suicidal during the past, I couldn't experientially know that was true-- I couldn't bring back the feelings. I knew they would come back, but couldn't feel their reality then.
But they are back today. Dear f*ck*ng God.
Posted by sigismund on February 13, 2011, at 18:44:40
In reply to Re: Enraged, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 13, 2011, at 16:29:53
See if you like this. One of my favourite songs from 1972. He was obviously in a church choir. It's like church music.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4u7nQ6vMS_0
Here are the lyrics
Reawakening
If you catch me running along by the sea, with bare feet in
the sand, then you'll know I am dreaming my life out in a way
you won't understand.
I'm slipping right out of your mind, this I know, and I accept
the fact lazily, for I must go into the next field,
where grass is green and I'll find peace.
Let me sleep!
Let me dream!
Let me be!
Reawakening isn't easy when you're tired.
Don't push me: I was taught self-expression
when I was a child, and so I know
the best way to go is slow.Sometimes, when skies are cloud-grey, and trouble's hanging
heavy on your mind, I advise you: curl up, slide away and
dream your life out, as I am.
Reawakening isn't easy when you're tired.
Don't push me: I was taught self-expression
when I was a child, and so I see
the best way to be's asleep.
Posted by obsidian on February 13, 2011, at 18:52:32
In reply to Enraged, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 13, 2011, at 15:38:17
Why not say goodbye to the religion?
Posted by sigismund on February 13, 2011, at 18:52:54
In reply to Re: Enraged » Annabelle Smith, posted by sigismund on February 13, 2011, at 18:44:40
Of course you may not be able to use youtube.
When my T went away I listened to this. It is good in showing the bereft. Very nice mandolin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rE46D2e4BpE&feature=related
the lyrics are
Look at the candle, as it's life is bought,
as the wick just rolls of and dies;
look at the wax-drops as they cease from their goal
and the game they were playing loses its joy
and the youth which they played in runs away....
How long will you be gone?
Flames sucks at air now and its breath comes short
as it wavers to half its size;
vacuum closes in and it attacks the soul.
Now the force omnipotent itself is destroyed
and for lack of itself it wanes away....
How long will you be gone?
So does my mind fly as I fight my thought -
and I lose, for I cannot find:
sent my eyes long miles, they do not know home!
For the life I was part of breathes its last
and not only life, but hope has gone away....
How long will you be gone?
How long will you be gone?
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 13, 2011, at 21:07:08
In reply to Re: Enraged » Annabelle Smith, posted by obsidian on February 13, 2011, at 18:52:32
Sid,
Because in the "Something" beyond myself, in the Depth, do I find any possibility for hope... that's why I can't say good-bye to it. I continue seeking..
It is just bigotry that hurts so badly...but that is not just religious. I fear that bigotry, prejudice, and hate pervade the entire structures of our society. It may actually be religion that contains within itself the prophetic impetus to critique the wrongs and bring forth justice and healing.
But religion, with its ability to bring forth so much good, can also bring forth such devastating evil...
then where to go...
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 13, 2011, at 21:07:26
In reply to Re: Enraged, posted by sigismund on February 13, 2011, at 18:52:54
Thanks, Sig.
Posted by Dinah on February 14, 2011, at 20:12:24
In reply to Enraged, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 13, 2011, at 15:38:17
I remember times when my emotions were raw and easily triggered. I remember feeling like a giant pink slug, unprotected against the world. Once the body reaches a certain point of overstimulation, it sometimes seems like there is a snowball effect. The only path to resilience for me at those times is to give my body a rest. Meditation helps some people, or exercise, or in my case as needed medications.
Perhaps you might find it useful to think, instead of how awful something is globally, that it is simply not something you want in your life. This religion would not be something you want in your life. Other people might want it, and it's fine for them, but you do not.
That could be helpful in a lot of ways. It might help reduce your anger, since you wouldn't see it so much of a problem in need of fixing. If enough people find it not to their taste, the church will have to change or wither. If people do find it to their taste, then they have the right to seek out that environment.
It might also help you get along better with people of that faith, since you would be saying it's not what you want instead of it's not what anyone should want.
FWIW, I've had intimate contact with three Christian religions in my life. Two had a male priesthood, one didn't. My experience of gender roles within the church (other than the priesthood) was that the three were very similar. There were strong women and strong men and yielding women and yielding men in all three churches. The women in the "patriarchal" churches wielded no less power in their lives. It depended on the person not the structure of the priesthood.
My parents were each from two separate churches that had a male priesthood. They never ever gave me the tiniest inkling that I should consider that anyone, male or female, had any great authority over me. The priesthood was carrying out the will of God not their own. If male priesthood members were to try to use their power to dominate women, they were not doing their jobs serving God and doing his will. There were good and bad members of the priesthood, not male ones and female ones. My parents never gave me the smallest sign that they thought a woman's role in life was any different from a man's. In our family, both genders worked, both genders took care of the house and the children, and both genders were expected to do their best and excel at academics and vocation.
I feel a bit sorry for churches who exclude half the population from the possibility of a leadership role in the church. They lose out on a lot of talent and dedication. (I feel the same way about priests and marriage.) But an organization has a right to set the rules of who can be a leader. They also have to recognize that their choices affect who will join and remain with them.
You aren't, if I understand correctly, of the Orthodox faith? Perhaps you could see this as one of the many elements of a faith that determines whether or not is one you would choose. Others might choose differently.
This is the end of the thread.
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