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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 11, 2011, at 21:16:02
I haven't felt this depressed in a long time. It has hit a new low. And it began after my session. Because then hope died, and is dead until next week, at which point the cycle repeats itself.
My session is so upsetting, because there is so much more to discuss that I didn't get to. There are several significant issues that we have never talked about, because like today, the focus has to go to more immediate concerns.I feel so depressed that I physically ache. My low back hurts, there is a shooting pain in my jaw, I feel nauseous, and my chest aches inside in the left center.
I can't do this. There is nobody to go to. My last option is a suicide hotline. I have been researching suicide methods since my session. I don't know if I have the courage to do this. It is just a leap-- and I am afraid. It has to be a total leap and has to be done just right.
I could start the anti-depressant medications. I just don't want to be on them forever. I don't want to be alone in this.
I feel so alone right now. Eternally, absolutely alone. This is hell. Dear God, please save.
Posted by sigismund on February 11, 2011, at 21:51:52
In reply to Depressed, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 11, 2011, at 21:16:02
I suppose you call this depression?
Anguish is the word I'd use.
I feel terrible saying it, but why do you have such hopes from your therapy and your therapist?
Or to put it differently, is the hope you have of therapy and your therapist somehow related to the anguish you feel in between.
I'm trying to think back to how I felt before I started therapy when I was 18 or so. I needed to think this society had the equivalent of soul doctors (big mistake), I felt something lacking in every artificial encounter of my social life, I didn't know how to orient myself and I didn't know what I wanted to be or what I could be. Looking back it is not such a mystery why this was so.
You don't have to take meds for the rest of your life, you don't have to take them in high doses, and you can be careful about what you take.
So you need to feel known? Have you said that, or did I assume it?
Posted by obsidian on February 11, 2011, at 21:52:30
In reply to Depressed, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 11, 2011, at 21:16:02
You don't have to be on antidepressants forever, but they may help you with the present. Have you shared any of what you've said here with your therapist? I hope you have. I don't want you to be alone.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 13, 2011, at 15:48:37
In reply to Re: Depressed » Annabelle Smith, posted by sigismund on February 11, 2011, at 21:51:52
Sig,
You didn't make that up-- you heard me. I want to be known, to feel real, and to have at least one real connection with another human being. I am so tired of being so lonely and chaotic. I want to be known.
It is so hard in sessions, because I am drowning in words-- I have so much to share in a session that it becomes like scribbling on a blank sheet until the sheet it totally filled with ink-- which becomes another kind of blank. A blankness of chaos.
Sometimes I have felt the most known by my therapist in shared silences-- meaningingful silences, where it is like a merging of beings into one.
But I still need to share these things... they make me nauseous like a poison inside that needs to be vomited out.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 13, 2011, at 15:49:22
In reply to Re: Depressed » Annabelle Smith, posted by obsidian on February 11, 2011, at 21:52:30
Thank you, Sid. Yes, I have shared some of it with him. But there is so much more to share and talk about.
Posted by sigismund on February 13, 2011, at 18:59:53
In reply to Re: Depressed » sigismund, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 13, 2011, at 15:48:37
Oh Geez, these are my obsessions.....
>I want to be known, to feel real, and to have at least one real connection with another human being. I am so tired of being so lonely and chaotic. I want to be known.
>Sometimes I have felt the most known by my therapist in shared silences-- meaningingful silences, where it is like a merging of beings into one.
This is the end of the thread.
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