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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by widget on January 17, 2010, at 13:56:50
I have been in therapy with the same psychiatrist for 5 1/2 years. He has been very strict about boundaries. Last week, he was very upset, said he was up all night all week being on call and proceeded to tell me his problems (mostly insurance related). He started to cry at one or two times and was physically "choked up." He apologized at the end of my session. We used almost the whole session focusing on his concerns! I told him I thought he needed to talk more than I and he said "that's bad." Has this happened to anyone else? I'm feeling kind of awkward about seeing him tomorrow. Feedback and advice welcome!
Posted by KaylaBear on January 17, 2010, at 14:41:17
In reply to Confused by therapist, posted by widget on January 17, 2010, at 13:56:50
Hi Widget,
It sounds as if your therapist is a bit burned out, or since he usually maintains strict boundaries, maybe he just needed to vent. Some orientations of therapy promote self disclosure of the T only if it benefits the patient; others, different patients different circumstances. I'd guess that as long as he doesn't make a habit of this, its ok and that it might promote your feelings of his being more genuine and empathetic.
My T self discloses a lot. It's confusing to me sometimes too. Sometimes I'm even shocked at some of the stuff he tells me. Aside from his sharing things about himself that may benefit our relationship, I don't know if he is so self revealing because he trusts me, or if he is like that with all his patients.
Your T must be really comfortable with you to have shared this with you. It's good he recognized and acknowledged that it was inappropriate. It sounds as if you have a good relationship, and I think it will be ok. Being uncomfortable and talking to him about those feelings might foster your relationship :)
Posted by widget on January 17, 2010, at 15:16:20
In reply to Re: Confused by therapist » widget, posted by KaylaBear on January 17, 2010, at 14:41:17
Thanks for the advice. Yes, I think the therapist was exhausted and overwhelmed. It just surprised me because its so unlike him. I kind of liked feeling special that he would trust me with all of his problem. He said no on in his therapy room had ever seen him cry! At the time, I told him he was only human and I guess I was right. The other complication is that I felt I loved him about 3 years ago and we seemed to have weathered that. I think since then he has been super careful about boundaries. hmmm, he probably needs to talk to other therapists!
Posted by KaylaBear on January 17, 2010, at 18:32:00
In reply to Re: Confused by therapist, posted by widget on January 17, 2010, at 15:16:20
Yes, it sounds like he may need either a consult or a vacation!
Ts can make mistakes, but he sounds very professional overall from the little bit you wrote here.
I can see why this would be so confusing for you. You love him and now that he disclosed all this to you, it might seem scary/confusing to think he may also have feelings for you. Returning the love would certainly complicate things, but as you said, he was just being human.
This seems workable, and I hope you can talk this over with him soon.
Posted by widget on January 17, 2010, at 18:55:32
In reply to Re: Confused by therapist, posted by KaylaBear on January 17, 2010, at 18:32:00
Wow, you hit it on the head. Yes, just when I seemed to have accepted his lack of need for me, pow, and I feel some old feelings which, frankly, are mine and not his. He trusts me and really needed to talk. I have always wanted him to share with me and, hey, be careful what you wish for! You are quite intuitive. I do believe that is why I am finding it hard to face him tomorrow and keep hoping for a "snow day"! Ha, ha. I guess I get afraid maybe he has some feeling for me. hmmm...
Posted by widget on January 17, 2010, at 22:44:50
In reply to Re: Confused by therapist » KaylaBear, posted by widget on January 17, 2010, at 18:55:32
So, what do I do?
Posted by MysticKangaroo on January 18, 2010, at 1:35:44
In reply to Re: Confused by therapist, posted by widget on January 17, 2010, at 22:44:50
Hi Widget
I think you need to be yourself! You are doing a great job so far. Trust that part of you that heard your T. Keep telling your story. Therapy is not a one way street. you saw the oncoming traffic. Go You!! Let your T know what that was like or how you feel knowing there is oncoming traffic. Sounds to me he has no intention of running you over.
Hang in there
Posted by rnny on January 18, 2010, at 14:47:30
In reply to Confused by therapist, posted by widget on January 17, 2010, at 13:56:50
I had to laugh a little, kind of alot when I read your post. Please don't think I was laughing at you. I certainly wasn't. I know being in that situation certainly doen't feel funny when it is happening. I was laughing because it was kind of a nervous laugh as I have been though this same thing. The T I was seeing before the T I see now (she wound up being a temporary T as I couldn't stand listening to her problems anymore) was going throug a crisis. Her mother was dying (very sad I admit) and in hospice. She would tell me all about it, with details and I finally had to tell her, "Look, I know you need someone to talk to but I don't think I can help you with this. I am going through my own stuff which is why I am here". She would mention her mother numerous times and in fact one time the first words out of her mouth when I walked into the session was "my mother is doing OK". She would also tear up a few times. I knew this was not normal and actually told her on more than one occasion that I did not want to use therapy time discussing her mother. I was very out front about it after a while when I could see that she was incorporating talking about her mother into our sessions. In fact she and I actually got in a sort of argument once about how her mother should be taken care of and I thought "this is ridiculous, this has gone beyond the pale". If I was in your shoes because of my own experience I would in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS let your T know that you don't want to hear his personal or business issues again. That because of your own needs there is no way you can help him and furthermore, it takes away from your session time. Since it has only happened this once, dont embarras him by elaborating, just be up front. But you have to understand my old T was doing it more than once and I had to eventually be quite bold in telling her to cease and desist. But you have to let him know a) you can't help him because you are there for his help and b) his talking about his business or personal issues takes away from your session time. See, that is a delicate way of saying "you are not acting professional". Don't ignore the matter. He would likely not bring it up and hope it passes but it is important for you to bring it up and say what I just outlined here in a way that won't embarrass him and then after you have said it, move right into discussing your issues. Don't use the whole session discussing what happened because that will only be more of the same indirecly. One of the more shocking experiences I have had along these lines in my thearapy history was when I went to a T and told her I had my dog waiting in the car but she was OK because it was not too hot and windows were down enough for her to get a breeze but to be safe, doors were locked and my dog enjoyed coming out in the car rather than staying home. She said, "oh, you can bring your dog in next time" and I really liked that. She then asked me what kind of dog I had. I told her and for THE REST OF THE SESSION she talked about her dogs. I was sitting there with mouth gaping open and eyes bulging out because I could not believe what I was experiencing but I did not have the experience as a client at that point in my therapy life to know how to handle the situation or what to say. But I am not kidding you when I say she used the WHOLE session to talk about her dogs. I left really angry and shortly thereafter never went back. I was having a very hard time in life circumstantially and this T knew it and to use the whole session to talk about her dogs was out of the question. I love dogs but I am there to be helped. You hve to be open and honest with your T but don't let your next session turn into another rap session about his issues which could indirecly happen when you bring it up. Be frank with him. He is your emloyee. You have hired him. Let him know what his expectations are. He works for you. 5 1/2 years or not.
Posted by emilyp on January 18, 2010, at 19:43:39
In reply to Re: Confused by therapist, posted by rnny on January 18, 2010, at 14:47:30
At the same time, one of the goals of therapy is to learn how feel comfortable in relationships and how to manage them. While I agree that a therapist should not talk solely about his/her issues, when he shares, it could be a way to strengthen your relationship. Therapy is a two-way relationship - just like relationships on the outside. Skills you learn in therapy regarding your relationship with your therapist should be transferable to relationships on the outside. While you should feel that you are "getting value" for the session, don't confuse talking with value. That is, developing a stronger relationship can be just as, if not more, valuable.
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