![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by therapygirlandstuden on April 27, 2009, at 17:30:55
Hi,
I have "lurked" around a while, but never did the registrations so this is my first post. Okay here goes my problem, my t and i have had our issues but we have always bounced back. The problem is when i truly need him, he isn't there. Yesterday, i cancelled my appt for today and he replied let me know if you want something later in the week or just wait til next week. When i called him this afternoon he sent me an email saying he isn't available to next week and sent me a poem that i felt was not appropriate at the dark place i am now. I am tired of what i feel like is mind games and the platitudes not getting to the route of my problems.. It seems like we get to this point every so often... Anyone have a similar issue like this???
Thanks
Posted by Dinah on April 27, 2009, at 19:19:48
In reply to Issues with therapist, posted by therapygirlandstuden on April 27, 2009, at 17:30:55
My therapist makes a real effort to squeeze me in when necessary, yet I often do feel that he isn't there when I need him. For some reason the fates like to bring trouble on my head when he really isn't available.
I think to some extent it's a function of the relationship. We see them during office hours, when they also have other clients, for limited amounts of time per week.
Is he very busy? Overscheduled? Does this happen often? Was the reason you cancelled something that would lead him to make an extra effort to squeeze you in?
Platitudes... Yes, that does annoy me. I try to call him on it when I think it's needed. Especially if it's a platitude I don't care for. But what I always thought of as mind games turned out not to be mind games at all. He rarely thought about things anywhere near as much as I did, and all those machiavellian motives I ascribed to him where in my brain, not his.
A poem? What sort of poem? I can't say my therapist has ever sent me anything but his own words, but his book recommendations have left me with the distinct impression that I wouldn't welcome any poetry from him. I can't even imagine him sending me poetry though.
Welcome. :)
Posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2009, at 10:31:34
In reply to Issues with therapist, posted by therapygirlandstuden on April 27, 2009, at 17:30:55
It can be hard when we need something and it just isn't there. I know that this is something that I go through with my therapist(s) too. I almost quit with my therapist, once, because I really did feel like every time I really needed him he simply didn't pull through for me. I missed a session (most unlike me) but then considered things a little more... I guess the issue came down to my thinking about whether it really was the case that every time I really needed him he didn't pull through or whether there were times that he did pull through but it was more that the times when he didn't were the only ones that I could really think of or remember when I was in that place. I realized that there were times that he pulled through for me and I realized that he did pull through for me actually during sessions on the majority of occasions. Do you think that your therapist is there for you at least some of the time? That makes a difference with respect to cost-benefit analysis of whether it is worth continuing, I guess.
I find it really hard when my therapist misunderstands my emotional state of where I am at. When he thinks that there is one kind of response that is required, but really it is another that is needed. Sounds a little like that is what is going on with the poem. It is a hard thing... I guess on the one hand they are trying (needen't have bothered responding at all) but hard to feel misunderstood like that.
It is hard to know. I have had therapists who really didn't pull through for me (cancelled sessions etc) in a way where I really would have been much better off seeing someone else if that had been an option for me. On the other hand I've almost given up on theraputic relationships because I felt really very let down (and was let down) whereas mostly they are there and I gained a whole heap from them and have been glad (in hindsight) that I didn't give up on the relationship. I have had therapists who really seemed to misunderstand my emotional state much of the time. That resulted in my feeling like my feelings weren't understandable or something. I would have been better off working with someone else if that was an option for me. On the other hand I've almost given up on helpful working relationships when someone who was basically understanding got some things radically wrong.
I don't really have any answers. Not sure that this is helpful at all. Sorry.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2009, at 10:37:15
In reply to Re: Issues with therapist, posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2009, at 10:31:34
I remember reading Kohut, actually. Got to the bit about failures of empathetic attunement and how it was precisely those that led to the healthy reorganization of the personality. That that was supposed to be what made it psychotherapy rather than an attempt to 'cure by love'. Kohut thought that failures of empathetic attunement were inevitable. The therapist didn't need to try to bring them about. If the therapist did everything within their power (within appropriate boundaries) to be completely empathetically attuned 100% of the time there would still be failures. They were inevitable. I remember at the time of the failure the thing for me was really about whether he was INTENTIONALLY trying to bring about these failures (thinking to himself 'whatever doesn't kill her will make her stronger, this will be good for her') or whether he really wasn't being such an obnoxious *ss as I was thinking he was...
Not sure if this is making any sense...
This was against a basic background of attunement, though. I guess that was crucial. Without that... There really would have been little point...
Posted by Zana on April 30, 2009, at 16:31:03
In reply to Re: Issues with therapist, posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2009, at 10:37:15
You are so right on about the inevitability of failures of attunement and about how the important part is the t's intention, best effort to be attuned. Winnicott refers to "good enough mothering." There is no such thing as perfect attunement, perfect empathic responsiveness. There are bound to be failures in real life relationships, like between a mother and child, and in therapeutic relationships. The important thing is that the attunement is good enough.
I don't know why you missed your appointment but it sound to me like you then set up a situation in which you were bound to be disappointed by the limitations of the relationship. Why did you miss that appointment? It sounds as though that set a lot of this in motion.Zana
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.