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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by workinprogress on February 10, 2009, at 10:11:30
I'm here again. I'm here in the place of feeling needy, reaching out a lot, not feeling like I can ever get enough, mostly just really really being afraid of my connection with my T and that it will go away. I've been here before... thinking about her all the time, hoping for that email back (she's actually great about it, but I'm a little high maintenance ;) ). But, I thought I was done. I got through it, I found a solution (calling and leaving a voicemail every day). Maybe it wasn't the solution after all? Because I'm still here.
It's that limitations of therapy thing. I want to be an only child. I want to go back to being that kid and have it done right. And she, my T, is so good at it. And I'm so frustrated with myself for being back here. For feeling/acting so needy again. For obsessing. For not having graduated from that place.
But maybe it isn't about graduation. Maybe it isn't linear (even though I want it to be). Any thoughts on why I'm back here? For you therapy veterans, does the obsessive thinking/need for connection ever stop occasionally rearing it's head? (maybe I don't want the answer to that) It's been 1.5 years. I want the yearning to stop. It hurts.
My T and I talked yesterday about me wanting people to "fix it".... when really I just want to be noticed. That yeah, the yearning hurts and is hard, but it just is. It's a feeling, so is the fear... feelings can't be fixed, but they can be noticed and empathized with. That's what I didn't get as a kid and don't always know I need now.
So, anybody out there want to notice my fear (of losing my T- because we talked about how I crank things up and demand they be fixed and that just seems so unattractive)? And my self-loathing (that cranking and demanding "fix it" is so unattractive)? And my yearning- I want to be comforted by my T. I want her to notice me. I don't want her to go away.
Sigh...
WIP
(work in circles maybe? instead of work in progress)
Posted by SLS on February 10, 2009, at 11:32:29
In reply to Therapy is so not linear- but I wish it was..., posted by workinprogress on February 10, 2009, at 10:11:30
Evolution is not linear either. It is what many scientists call a "punctuated equilibrium". Things may drift towards "progress" very gradually for a great length of time. Then something happens within the ecosystem that allows an explosive change in its operation - hopefully for the better.
I don't know. This just occurred to me as I read your subject line.
- Scott
Posted by Phillipa on February 10, 2009, at 12:40:47
In reply to Re: Therapy is so not linear- but I wish it was..., posted by SLS on February 10, 2009, at 11:32:29
What ever happened to Bill the Movie and Baby steps is my theory. Pdoc agrees. Phillipa
Posted by Sharon7 on February 10, 2009, at 16:42:37
In reply to Therapy is so not linear- but I wish it was..., posted by workinprogress on February 10, 2009, at 10:11:30
Hey, Work in Progress. I hear you. I'm pretty much where you are. In therapy for 1.5 years. Have the whole transference thing going on with my T, too.
Just allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. Try not to put a time limit on it, though. This is all new to me, too, but it could be this is actually a critical part of the therapeutic process. My guess is that it will pass.
Be kind to yourself. Know that the way you're feeling is not your fault, and from what I can tell, it's completely normal. It'll get better.
Sharon
Posted by workinprogress on February 14, 2009, at 2:42:42
In reply to Re: Therapy is so not linear- but I wish it was... » workinprogress, posted by Sharon7 on February 10, 2009, at 16:42:37
Hi Sharon. Thanks for writing. I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to write back to thank folks. I've been pretty busy, but I think I was also weirdly bruised by the lack of response from what I see as a pretty responsive group. So, I did my usual, there must be something wrong with me, little beat myself up thing and well, didn't appreciate what I did get.
Anyway, thank for you noticing me and reminding me to try to just be ok with the feelings- all of them. It is all just a process after all and some parts of it are more challenging than others and some parts are more circular. ;)
I've enjoyed reading your posts, glad you found your way here and I wish you the best in your journey.
WIP
> Hey, Work in Progress. I hear you. I'm pretty much where you are. In therapy for 1.5 years. Have the whole transference thing going on with my T, too.
>
> Just allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. Try not to put a time limit on it, though. This is all new to me, too, but it could be this is actually a critical part of the therapeutic process. My guess is that it will pass.
>
> Be kind to yourself. Know that the way you're feeling is not your fault, and from what I can tell, it's completely normal. It'll get better.
>
> Sharon
Posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2009, at 10:38:41
In reply to Re: Therapy is so not linear- but I wish it was... » Sharon7, posted by workinprogress on February 14, 2009, at 2:42:42
I'm sorry you feel bruised, and I'm sorry that I didn't have any words that I thought would make you feel better. I understand feeling so needy, but I'm an odd duck in that I don't want to ever, ever be special again, so I didn't want to say anything that might be out of place.
I hope you feel better today,
antigua
Posted by workinprogress on February 14, 2009, at 11:27:36
In reply to Re: Therapy is so not linear- but I wish it was... » workinprogress, posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2009, at 10:38:41
Thanks Antigua-
No problem, it's my own lack of differentiation. "probably isn't about me that people aren't responding". I automatically go to "I was too selfish" "I was too needy" "they don't like me for some reason" instead of "maybe antigua was afraid not only that she wouldn't be helpful, but that she might accidentally be unhelpful".
I find I struggle with this venue. I don't know if it is time or just that I need a visual. But, I can't seem to remember lots of different people's stories if they aren't included in a post. So, I can't always respond in the depth that some people do. It also means I generally can only speak to my experience as it relates and offer empathy. Anyway, it's made me a little insecure. But- another good place to practice differentiation.
So, your post here, explaining where you were coming from, is very helpful to me in realizing my stories were wrong. Thanks!
WIP
> I'm sorry you feel bruised, and I'm sorry that I didn't have any words that I thought would make you feel better. I understand feeling so needy, but I'm an odd duck in that I don't want to ever, ever be special again, so I didn't want to say anything that might be out of place.
>
> I hope you feel better today,
> antigua
Posted by Sharon7 on February 14, 2009, at 11:47:35
In reply to Therapy is so not linear- but I wish it was..., posted by workinprogress on February 10, 2009, at 10:11:30
Hi WIP. Thanks for your encouraging words. It was so nice to hear from you. You are very welcome. I hope today will be a good day for you. Happy Valentine's Day.
I read your original post again, and was again, struck by just how similar your feelings 'were' (very key) to mine up until about a week ago. I had somewhat of a breakthrough with mine this week. You may have seen my post from the 11th. I went back to see her on the 13th and that was also very productive. I plan to send a separate post talking about that, but I'll share some of it here with you now in case it might make you feel better.
Question: Have you and your T had a frank conversation about 'transference?' If not, let me tell you, being able to have this conversation with her on Tuesday and having similar positive results on Friday, has relieved a tremendous amount of anxiety for me. I was just as worried as you are, probably. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to discuss any of that with her, because I don't know how to talk about my feelings (at least not verbally,) because I'm embarrassed by them. I think once we know that our T's don't think our feelings are stupid, embarrassing, are going to cause her to run screaming out of the room, it's actually quite liberating. I had written her all about this already early on, and I'm sure my behavior probably even made the letters unnecessary. I won't even try to get anything over on her. She's way too smart. (okay. I confess. Yes, I will still try. lol.) Anyway, when I used to mail or fax those letters, they would be followed by an EXTREME negative emotional reaction on my part (obviously on my part! lol!) because then it was left up to my imagination to figure out what she must have thought after reading them. Being able to have this discussion with her face-to-face, I was able to see immediately how it was received, and like I told my T yesterday, she responded to it perfectly. She was so understanding and so kind. She does not want to kick me to the curb because I need her to be a mother-figure to me now. She made me feel so much better about all of this, and I've sort of been on cloud 9 ever since. Oh, I know on the path to recovery, I'll vascillate between times of feeling safe and secure and feeling alone and scared. It's amazing what a difference feeling secure with my T seems to have made to my outlook on life, energy, mood, and even the need to fuel/feed my addictions. I know I'll need to be reassuranced again at some point, and I know I haven't fueled/fed my addictions for the last time either. But you have to start somewhere I suppose. Let's see how long this euphoria last! lol! If only I/we could somehow manage to stay constantly assured that they aren't going to leave us no matter what I /we say. It's something to shoot for. (o:
Well, I gotta run. You take care now. I sure can go on, huh? **blush**
(((((WIP)))))
Sharon
Posted by workinprogress on February 14, 2009, at 12:05:11
In reply to Re: Therapy is so not linear- but I wish it was... » workinprogress, posted by Sharon7 on February 14, 2009, at 11:47:35
Hi Sharon. Thanks for following up and your encouraging words... I do appreciate it.
What I was trying to say in my original post was that I was frustrated to be back in the place of feeling obsessive and uncomfortable about the transference... after seemingly have gotten through it. My intense yearning had kicked in again (though I think it's chilled out a bit again) when I wrote.
T and I talk about our relationship, my love for her, my desire to crawl into her lap, my wish to go home with her, my desire to be her "only child", my jealousy of her kids.... all of that, very frequently. You are so right, it is so very helpful to find that your T is ok with it. I too was very afraid of rejection, so I know it's a big deal to finally open up that can of worms. I can tell you are very proud of yourself and excited to open up this new piece in your relationship. You should be! What is important to know is that this relationship, your connection to your T, is the FOUNDATION of the work. And, as my T told me, not many people are brave enough to take that risk and go there. So, you should be very proud of yourself, I'm proud of you... and me... and so many babblers who've done so!
I think my post was about... well, going back to feeling some intense yearning, obsessing, and fear that I had thought I had finally crested. It started a little over a year ago when I first started recognizing the feelings, then about a year ago I talked to her for the first time, and until this fall kinda couldn't get her out of my head. It made me crazy. Last week felt like I was back there. And I was, but it's less permanent now. And I think I go back most intensely when something hard is going on for me. Guess that's when I really "need my mommy"??
Anyway, keep up the good work. It does feel so good to let them in, but it is very scary!
Take care...
WIP
> Hi WIP. Thanks for your encouraging words. It was so nice to hear from you. You are very welcome. I hope today will be a good day for you. Happy Valentine's Day.
>
> I read your original post again, and was again, struck by just how similar your feelings 'were' (very key) to mine up until about a week ago. I had somewhat of a breakthrough with mine this week. You may have seen my post from the 11th. I went back to see her on the 13th and that was also very productive. I plan to send a separate post talking about that, but I'll share some of it here with you now in case it might make you feel better.
>
> Question: Have you and your T had a frank conversation about 'transference?' If not, let me tell you, being able to have this conversation with her on Tuesday and having similar positive results on Friday, has relieved a tremendous amount of anxiety for me. I was just as worried as you are, probably. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to discuss any of that with her, because I don't know how to talk about my feelings (at least not verbally,) because I'm embarrassed by them. I think once we know that our T's don't think our feelings are stupid, embarrassing, are going to cause her to run screaming out of the room, it's actually quite liberating. I had written her all about this already early on, and I'm sure my behavior probably even made the letters unnecessary. I won't even try to get anything over on her. She's way too smart. (okay. I confess. Yes, I will still try. lol.) Anyway, when I used to mail or fax those letters, they would be followed by an EXTREME negative emotional reaction on my part (obviously on my part! lol!) because then it was left up to my imagination to figure out what she must have thought after reading them. Being able to have this discussion with her face-to-face, I was able to see immediately how it was received, and like I told my T yesterday, she responded to it perfectly. She was so understanding and so kind. She does not want to kick me to the curb because I need her to be a mother-figure to me now. She made me feel so much better about all of this, and I've sort of been on cloud 9 ever since. Oh, I know on the path to recovery, I'll vascillate between times of feeling safe and secure and feeling alone and scared. It's amazing what a difference feeling secure with my T seems to have made to my outlook on life, energy, mood, and even the need to fuel/feed my addictions. I know I'll need to be reassuranced again at some point, and I know I haven't fueled/fed my addictions for the last time either. But you have to start somewhere I suppose. Let's see how long this euphoria last! lol! If only I/we could somehow manage to stay constantly assured that they aren't going to leave us no matter what I /we say. It's something to shoot for. (o:
>
> Well, I gotta run. You take care now. I sure can go on, huh? **blush**
>
> (((((WIP)))))
>
> Sharon
Posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2009, at 12:15:04
In reply to Re: Therapy is so not linear- but I wish it was..., posted by workinprogress on February 14, 2009, at 12:05:11
One thought did occur to me. I find that when the intense feelings kick in after they've been dormant, or semi-quiet anyway, for a while, then something big is going on. Then I look inside to see what's triggering me and sometimes that has been very helpful. It may be the original trigger, but it may be something in my day-to-day life that has triggered something and once I know it, I can work on it.
take care,
antigua
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