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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by onceupon on February 3, 2009, at 13:05:20
During my last session with my therapist, we got to some really difficult (for me) stuff about 5 minutes before the end of the hour. I was crying, which is rare for me in therapy, but visibly trying to keep myself from doing so because I was, as they say, aware of the time. I know this is a pattern for me - it takes me forever to warm up, and then when I do get hit by intense emotion, it's right around the time when we need to be wrapping up. I find this frustrating, and imagine that my therapist might find it frustrating as well.
Luckily my therapist is graceful, and usually does not try to hurry me out at the end of sessions. If anything, I'm looking at the clock and saying that I need to go during these sessions that get intense right at the end. I'd estimate this happens once a month or six weeks or so.
Last week I was having a hard go of it, and when I stood up to leave, my therapist noted that I was shaking and asked me if I was okay. Clearly the answer was no, but I'm never sure how to answer that one. Usually I say something like, "I'll be fine." She asked me if I was okay to drive, and I again insisted I'd be fine. By this time we had both been standing for a minute or so and I was itching to bolt. She then told me, "You're welcome to stay." I took this to mean that I could take a few moments to compose myself, and I assumed that she meant in her office, since there's really no other place to wait in her building other than the shared waiting room, which is NOT a place I like to hang out any longer than necessary.
But I had no idea what to say to that, so I just mumbled that I was fine and took off. Not infrequently I need to take time to compose myself in my car before feeling ready to navigate traffic and whatnot, and I did so that afternoon. For some reason though, my therapist's pretty offhand comment really threw me and I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts, similar experiences, etc. I should say that it threw me because in that moment I couldn't imagine how on earth that would have worked. I had paid her, we had confirmed our next appointment, and I had gotten up to leave. Would I just sit down while she wrote her notes or did whatever it is that therapists do between clients? Would she talk to me? Did she have another client coming?
This was last week, and I've since filed it away under the disproportional significance of small things file. But it's still nagging me, hence my post.
Posted by DAisym on February 3, 2009, at 16:01:26
In reply to You're welcome to stay, posted by onceupon on February 3, 2009, at 13:05:20
I'd bring it up at the beginning of the next session when it was so emotionally loaded. I'd want to clarify what she was thinking so that I did not make a wrong assumption. She could have actually been thinking you would go back to the waiting room - or that you only needed 2 minutes, or something. I hate making mistakes so I'd want to know.
It was also very kind of her, and I'd want to acknowledge that too.
Posted by wittgensteinz on February 3, 2009, at 17:26:34
In reply to Re: You're welcome to stay, posted by DAisym on February 3, 2009, at 16:01:26
Onceupon
I have to agree with Daisy. It would seem important to discuss this with her when you see her next. I hope she clarifies what she meant exactly - it's a nice thought you could just sit there a while in her office until you felt ready for the outside world again. She sounds like a very caring therapist.
I feel a little envious. There was one session some months ago when I completely fell apart crying. I was shaking and had no composure and sat there like that, head in hands, for 15 minutes and he said nothing apart from one comment "what's going on?". When the time was up, I stood up, still crying and glued to the spot, and he did little short of push me out the door. I've not cried since (I don't cry often anyway) but I doubt I'll let myself be like that again in his company.
I'm glad that other therapists are more compassionate but am sorry you are finding therapy so painful.
Witti
Posted by emmanuel98 on February 3, 2009, at 17:44:20
In reply to Re: You're welcome to stay, posted by wittgensteinz on February 3, 2009, at 17:26:34
I've found it almost impossible to leave sometimes because I'm so upset/crying. He will usually extend the session by 5 or 10 minutes, but then say, very gently, we really have to stop. Sometimes he'll tell me to call later and let him know I'm okay.
Posted by onceupon on February 4, 2009, at 9:32:10
In reply to Re: You're welcome to stay, posted by DAisym on February 3, 2009, at 16:01:26
You're right, Daisy. It is important to bring it up. Wish me courage? I'm awfully fumbly about bringing this kind of stuff up.
And yes, she is very kind. I've been wanting to acknowledge that for awhile, actually, but I've been uncertain about how to go about it. Sounds silly when I write it - seems like a simple "Thanks for being so kind" would suffice, but wouldn't you know it, it gets all tangled up in my head.
Posted by onceupon on February 4, 2009, at 9:36:14
In reply to Re: You're welcome to stay, posted by wittgensteinz on February 3, 2009, at 17:26:34
Thanks, Witti. She is very sweet. I have a hard time accepting (or believing, sometimes) that caring, though.
I'm so sorry that you had such an awful experience with your therapist. I think one of my biggest fears in life is that when I fall apart, no one will be there to catch me, and that I'll have to do it on my own as I always did growing up. Were you able to talk about this incident with your therapist? It seems like there's probably a fruitful discussion about asking for what you need (or something else) hidden in there somewhere.
Is there anyone in whose company you feel comfortable falling apart like that?
Thanks for your post, Witti. I am struggling in therapy, but I'm glad to have the struggle, if that makes sense.
Posted by onceupon on February 4, 2009, at 9:37:47
In reply to Re: You're welcome to stay, posted by emmanuel98 on February 3, 2009, at 17:44:20
That's sweet that he's gentle about it, and encourages you to call later. Somehow your brief description of him gave me a very warm feeling.
Posted by Phillipa on February 4, 2009, at 10:17:36
In reply to Re: You're welcome to stay » emmanuel98, posted by onceupon on February 4, 2009, at 9:37:47
Sounds like you have a wonderful therapist. The type I wish I'd found. Love Phillipa
Posted by Recently on February 4, 2009, at 10:21:13
In reply to You're welcome to stay, posted by onceupon on February 3, 2009, at 13:05:20
Her offer was kind - and it does show she cares. I had a similar incident a few weeks ago. I actually stayed in the office for an extra 5 or 10 minutes and then went to the waiting room as my T had another client. But I guess even taking some extra time in the waiting room to collect myself was helpful in a way. It's always hard to be thrown directly back into 'real life' after getting torn up in therapy...
Recently
Posted by emmanuel98 on February 4, 2009, at 18:45:54
In reply to Re: You're welcome to stay » onceupon, posted by Phillipa on February 4, 2009, at 10:17:36
My T is incredibly kind. It's made all the transference issues doubly hard for me though, since he rarely gives me reason not to idealize him.
Posted by wittgensteinz on February 5, 2009, at 8:27:23
In reply to Re: You're welcome to stay » wittgensteinz, posted by onceupon on February 4, 2009, at 9:36:14
Thanks Onceupon,
I did talk about it with him afterwards but it didn't get far. I think it was just something unfortunate, how it happened and how it was handled. He's not normally that way, not at all, just sometimes when things go wrong they can have the biggest effect.
As for other people with whom I can fall apart - maybe my partner (he certainly would want to 'catch me') although in reality I find it very hard to let those raw emotions show in front of other people.
Good for you for facing the challenge/struggle :)
Witti
Posted by onceupon on February 5, 2009, at 9:00:18
In reply to Re: You're welcome to stay » onceupon, posted by Phillipa on February 4, 2009, at 10:17:36
She is good. It's funny that it's sometimes hard to appreciate other people's good characteristics though, until they're reflected through other people's eyes. So thanks for that.
Posted by onceupon on February 5, 2009, at 9:02:04
In reply to Re: You're welcome to stay, posted by Recently on February 4, 2009, at 10:21:13
How was it to wait in the office for the extra 5 or 10 minutes? For some reason I imagine that as anxiety provoking, but that's just me.
And I hate the abrupt switch between therapy-land and "real life." I feel off for the rest of the day. I'm glad I can schedule it at the end of the workday.
Posted by onceupon on February 5, 2009, at 9:03:31
In reply to Re: You're welcome to stay, posted by emmanuel98 on February 4, 2009, at 18:45:54
I hear you. It's hard not to idealize. Sometimes I wonder if my therapist is just exceptionally good at hiding her flaws. Because she has to have some. Right?
Posted by onceupon on February 5, 2009, at 9:06:53
In reply to Re: You're welcome to stay » onceupon, posted by wittgensteinz on February 5, 2009, at 8:27:23
It is the things that go wrong that leave the biggest impressions, isn't it? I know that people who struggle with depression tend to have a negative memory bias. Not to say that you do, but I've found this to be true for myself. It seems unlikely that only negative things have happened in my life or relationships, but I sometimes struggle mightily to remember the good.
I also find it hard to experience strong emotion in front of others. But I wish I could. I'm glad to hear that your partner is there for you.
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