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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 27. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by raisinb on January 7, 2009, at 21:26:24
My therapist is going on maternity leave soon. She will be gone for six weeks, from mid-February to the first week of April. It will be very, very hard for me. I don't know how I'll get through it; I'm just trying to trust that I will somehow, and maybe it will be a good opportunity to test my wings, in a way. She keeps trying to get me to see another therapist in the practice (whom I've seen before--nice guy) but I just don't see how it will be worth my time--and might just make me feel worse.
Anyway, as the time grows closer, I find myself wanting a "transitional object"--like a tape with her voice on it, or an object from the office--just *something*--you know, like a small child with a blanket. I don't even know if this will help. But I understand the desire of a toddler for that blanket, I can tell you.
I know therapists traditionally cannot give their clients gifts, and it's weird to "ask" for something like this anyway--and how would I even bring it up? And what to ask for? Is this a weird request? What do you guys think?
Posted by Annierose on January 7, 2009, at 22:11:41
In reply to what do you think?, posted by raisinb on January 7, 2009, at 21:26:24
Yes, absolutely it is okay to ask for something. I think I wondered too, but after reading babble for so many years, I learned that often therapists will help in some sort of way that is comfortable for them ... whether it's a voice mail, book, object from the office.
Last summer, my therapist and I had back to back vacations - tallying just over three weeks. It took me a ton of courage but I asked if I could have something of hers that I could hold onto. She gave me a meditation CD that I downloaded onto my ipod. It gave me comfort when I was flying and feeling anxious (I hate flying).
I think you can do both. Ask if she is comfortable helping you out with something AND seeing the other therapist in her office. It wouldn't be "her" but it would be building your support system while she is away --- even if you only go every other week. Before you know it - the six week leave will be over.
And babble is always OPEN too.
Posted by obsidian on January 7, 2009, at 22:53:30
In reply to what do you think?, posted by raisinb on January 7, 2009, at 21:26:24
I say ask. I have an unusual attachment to appointment cards ;-).
I carried around a note my therapist gave me for the longest time.
I wonder when or if I will ever not need those things. Don't we always need to hold onto things? for lots of reasons and in different situations.ask if you can borrow your file...you can edit it as necessary
or maybe the box of tissues
or...is there a plant? maybe it needs to be taken care of!
don't listen to me...
but do ask
-sid :-)
Posted by fleeting flutterby on January 7, 2009, at 22:59:52
In reply to what do you think?, posted by raisinb on January 7, 2009, at 21:26:24
Do you know if your therapist/clinic has a website?
When I feel I need constancy(or whatever it's called) I go to the website and there is a list of T.s at the clinic and a picture of each one. somehow my anxiety lowers just by going there and seeing T.'s picture....... my mind thinks-- "Phew, she really does exist, she is still around!"
sometimes I go there once a week and sometimes once a day-- guess it depends on the stress in my life at the time.I hope your T. has a website-- or maybe T. would let you take a picture of her?....
I think the "object" idea might be good too-- but I don't think that would be of much help to me. for me an object is not the person(that's how my mind thinks anyway).... don't think I would feel much comfort -- but then-- every one is different and some are further along than others...
whatever happens, I hope it's something that works well for you-- keep us posted- k?
flutterby-mandy
Posted by DAisym on January 8, 2009, at 0:09:15
In reply to what do you think?, posted by raisinb on January 7, 2009, at 21:26:24
I don't think a transitional object is a "gift" so ask away!
I have several things my therapist has given me, including his talisman. Tomorrow I'm facing something very difficult and he sent me an email saying, "remember to take the talisman, keep it hidden in your pocket and when you are stressed, reach down and feel me giving you extra strength and energy to get through it." I find it really helps.
But I wonder too if I'll ever not need it. I hope so...
Posted by workinprogress on January 8, 2009, at 1:11:04
In reply to what do you think?, posted by raisinb on January 7, 2009, at 21:26:24
I so relate! I was lucky in that I said something about connection or something... way back when... and my therapist said "oh, it sounds like you want a transitional object". I think it was around a voice mail. And she did it. But she said, do you want something more tangible, something you could hold. I said that seems childish and little... she said it's ok to be little with me. Several weeks later, I sheepishly said... yes, I'd like something. I have a little bear... teeny tiny, fits in the palm of my hand, or therabouts. Since Oct of 2007 it has gone from the grips of my hand while I sleep to my bag for the day and back. I have a couple of voice mails. And, I have a picture of her with a note on the back. Some nice words that she said to me and I said... can you write that down. And another picture she gave me when I went away on to a music festival for a week and was afraid to take the bear bc I might lose it. We have a good dialoge about this stuff now, but it was hard before.
It felt weird. I felt weird, but, it is helpful and comforting. Just the other day, when I went into my "I'm too needy, my T has finally figured out I'm repulsive and needy"... place.... I pulled out the picture with the note. It stopped the flooding. So helpful.
I think if your T is willing to do any sort of bending of boundaries, even the slightest, you two could figure out something. But, even if she won't, she'd get it and it would be a good conversation to have. I'm sorry she hasn't brought it up, that makes it easier. BUT... the preciousness of the object, the safety, the security... for me... worth all the fear. You don't know though until you try... and the unknown is scary. I SO GET THAT. Happy to talk more if you like...
HUGS!!!!
WIP
> My therapist is going on maternity leave soon. She will be gone for six weeks, from mid-February to the first week of April. It will be very, very hard for me. I don't know how I'll get through it; I'm just trying to trust that I will somehow, and maybe it will be a good opportunity to test my wings, in a way. She keeps trying to get me to see another therapist in the practice (whom I've seen before--nice guy) but I just don't see how it will be worth my time--and might just make me feel worse.
>
> Anyway, as the time grows closer, I find myself wanting a "transitional object"--like a tape with her voice on it, or an object from the office--just *something*--you know, like a small child with a blanket. I don't even know if this will help. But I understand the desire of a toddler for that blanket, I can tell you.
>
> I know therapists traditionally cannot give their clients gifts, and it's weird to "ask" for something like this anyway--and how would I even bring it up? And what to ask for? Is this a weird request? What do you guys think?
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 8, 2009, at 6:38:48
In reply to what do you think?, posted by raisinb on January 7, 2009, at 21:26:24
This makes perfect sense to me. I did it when my T was out for 9 weeks last fall. I asked for, and got, a small figurine that has been in her office for decades. It reminds me of her. I took it back to her at our first session after her leave. When I asked for it, she said, "Oh, how wonderful. Wish I'd have thought of it." So I think you should at least have a discussion about it.
And I'll be around during the maternity leave -- believe me, I understand how scary it is.
((((((((Raisinb))))))))
Posted by Dinah on January 8, 2009, at 9:46:09
In reply to what do you think?, posted by raisinb on January 7, 2009, at 21:26:24
My therapist says it's perfectly ok for me to ask him for anything. The worst that can happen will be for the answer to be no.
But unless she's very very firm about boundaries, it seems like she'd be willing to do something. After all, her life is interfering with your therapy. It might not be her fault, but it is a fact. My therapist is actually pretty firm about that sort of boundary. But when he was going out of town extensively, he recognized that his life was causing me problems, and agreed to let me take his picture.
Posted by raisinb on January 8, 2009, at 15:39:51
In reply to what do you think?, posted by raisinb on January 7, 2009, at 21:26:24
You've given me more confidence about bringing it up. I don't have time to respond to everyone individually right now (time to go off to therapy!) but I appreciate your responses so much.
Posted by raisinb on January 8, 2009, at 17:57:53
In reply to what do you think?, posted by raisinb on January 7, 2009, at 21:26:24
She asked me today if she could give me something and did. Now I am suspicious...yikes!...:)!
Posted by Kath on January 8, 2009, at 18:17:50
In reply to what do you think?, posted by raisinb on January 7, 2009, at 21:26:24
The thought that comes into my mind is that you buy yourself a card, then ask her to sign it.
It could be just a pretty card, without even any words. Or one with some words. Or you could write a few things in the card that she's told you that have been particularly supportive & helpful.
I can't see that she'd mind signing your card for you. :-))
good luck; let us know, Kath
Posted by Annierose on January 8, 2009, at 18:49:41
In reply to weird, posted by raisinb on January 8, 2009, at 17:57:53
That's absolutely wonderful!! Some t's have their crystal balls more polished than others.
Are you able to share what she gave you? or would you rather keep it private?
Posted by fleeting flutterby on January 8, 2009, at 20:08:14
In reply to weird, posted by raisinb on January 8, 2009, at 17:57:53
> She asked me today if she could give me something and did. Now I am suspicious...yikes!...:)!<<
Wow! I think what you have is a very insightful T.!! Maybe she knows you better than you realize. How nice of her to do something for you to ease your feelings over the temporary break.flutterby-mandy
Posted by raisinb on January 8, 2009, at 20:31:41
In reply to Re: weird » raisinb, posted by Annierose on January 8, 2009, at 18:49:41
She has a stainless steel paperweight on her desk in the shape of a star. It says "shoot for the moon" on it. When she gave it to me, she said it meant a lot to her. She didn't say why.
Now I am a little worried in case something happens and I can't get it back to her, but I am sure I'll get over that. It *was* very nice of her to give it to me.
Posted by Kath on January 9, 2009, at 21:52:54
In reply to Re: weird » Annierose, posted by raisinb on January 8, 2009, at 20:31:41
How lovely,
:-) Kath
Posted by raisinb on January 13, 2009, at 20:35:03
In reply to what do you think?, posted by raisinb on January 7, 2009, at 21:26:24
Can you say, ambivalence, anyone?
We had a rough couple of sessions in the past week. We didn't connect and last time I felt like she blamed me for that. Now the transitional object symbolizes not her caring, but her lack of responsiveness and blaming me for her issues. I don't like looking at it.
Plus, what if I decide (miraculously) over her leave that I don't need therapy, and if I do, I can find a less conflicted relationship than this? And then I'd have it and feel guilty and like I had to go back one more time to give it back.
I'm sure this is oh so symbolic...;(
Posted by Dinah on January 14, 2009, at 8:28:15
In reply to I think I might give it back, posted by raisinb on January 13, 2009, at 20:35:03
You could always UPS it back to her.
I do understand the ambivalence. Is what she gave you what you needed before you felt disconnected?
I think I'd be very angry with my therapist under these circumstances, so that part seems not unexpected to me.
Posted by raisinb on January 14, 2009, at 8:54:46
In reply to Re: I think I might give it back » raisinb, posted by Dinah on January 14, 2009, at 8:28:15
I wouldn't want her to think I was running off with something important to her.
It was very comforting until we had that crappy session on Monday. Now I don't want it around.
Not to quibble, but I don't understand why she gave me something I have to bring back. It feels like a half-gift, you know? I didn't want a loan. Yeah, I know I sound like an ingrate.
Posted by workinprogress on January 15, 2009, at 1:07:10
In reply to Re: I think I might give it back » Dinah, posted by raisinb on January 14, 2009, at 8:54:46
Raisin-
I totally empathize with your feeling like an "ingrate". I mean, you asked something of your therapist that many therapist's wouldn't do. No, you wanted it and she offered it without you asking. Then, it didn't fit. It sounds like you appreciate the sentiment, but that something is off about it. Is that fair? I think I would ask just what isn't working? Is it the bad session that needs to be worked through? Or that you wanted something slightly different from the meaning of the object? Or something else?
But, I totally relate. I told my T before the holidays that I wanted to give her something. That I wanted her to have something that I had a piece of too. Ideally the two halves make a whole. That I wanted to "be in her pocket/heart" and her in mine. I never quite found the right thing, but I did find little metal "stones" that had the word "forever" engraved in them. I put mine in the coin purse part of my wallet. And I gave one to her. She put it in the little box she has on her table (between her and client where tissue sits... she puts her cards in the table, chapstick, etc.)... oh yeah... incidentally, I gave her the box a year ago. But... I WANTED IT TO BE WITH HER ALWAYS!!!
We are talking about managing expectations. I decided to let it go. After all, she said she didn't need it to remember me, but it was ok if I did.
Anyway... point being, we, unconsciously or not, have strong feelings about these symbolic things. And it is a BIG DEAL that she's going away (though not forever- but there's also the issue of now she'll have other distractions/priorities). I don't think you can talk too much about how that makes you feel and what you can do to work through it together. Nor does it surprise me that you'd have tough points right before either. You may very well be angry... and that would be fair.
Hang in there. I feel for you!
(((((((raisin))))))
> I wouldn't want her to think I was running off with something important to her.
>
> It was very comforting until we had that crappy session on Monday. Now I don't want it around.
>
> Not to quibble, but I don't understand why she gave me something I have to bring back. It feels like a half-gift, you know? I didn't want a loan. Yeah, I know I sound like an ingrate.
>
>
Posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 1:54:58
In reply to Re: I think I might give it back » Dinah, posted by raisinb on January 14, 2009, at 8:54:46
You don't sound like an ingrate to me.
You sound like someone whose therapist is about to go away for a long time to give birth to a new baby who will take her time and attention and energy for a while. You are really taking this so much better than I would.
What happened in the last session? If you want to talk about it.
Posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 1:57:20
In reply to Re: I think I might give it back » Dinah, posted by raisinb on January 14, 2009, at 8:54:46
Although I think that might be part of the symbolism. It's connected to her because it's still hers. If she had given you something to keep forever, she'd have let go of her end and the connection would be broken.
It's not an obligation though. It's perfectly ok to return something by mail. Either during her time away or after she gets back.
Posted by raisinb on January 15, 2009, at 10:44:26
In reply to Re: I think I might give it back » raisinb, posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 1:54:58
Thank you for the encouragement :) I have a good deal of stress going on in work and relationships at the moment, so I think my focus is taken away from therapy. I also feel like, well, what can I do about it? So I'm focusing on other things.
Last session, we got into a bit of an argument. We have an ongoing disagreement. I say she's wildly inconsistent in her level of warmth and caring. Sometimes she's amazing; sometimes, she seems pretty dead, like she doesn't want to be there. She says some days she's tired or feeling sick, but that she always wants to be there and that I'm wildly exaggerating (not her words) the level of the inconsistency.
Monday I went in and could tell immediately that she was in one of those moods. This inhibited me from talking. When I feel like she doesn't want to be there, I don't want to be there either. I hate feeling unwanted.
So, I wasn't talking that much, and she started (what felt like) blaming the lack of connection on me. She said I acted like she was "so insignificant" to me, that I acted like I didn't want to be there, that I was annoyed by her, and some other stuff. I got pissed because I felt like it was her issue. And I was also pissed because I needed to talk about my boyfriend and here we were hashing and rehashing things we've never solved in the past, despite working on them for four years, and rehashing her leave, which I can't do anything about anyway, so why rake it up?
So I started talking about my boyfriend and she seemed annoyed or frustrated about this. And then she said she'd miss me when she was gone, even though I found that hard to believe (she's said this before, and I believed her then, but her entire manner was different).
And then it was time to go. I've been pretty pissed for three days because I felt like she was pushing her issues onto me. There is *nothing* that makes me madder than that.
Posted by raisinb on January 15, 2009, at 10:45:06
In reply to Re: I think I might give it back » raisinb, posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 1:57:20
That's a great interpretation, and much nicer than the one I was working with.
Posted by raisinb on January 15, 2009, at 10:45:55
In reply to Re: I think I might give it back » raisinb, posted by workinprogress on January 15, 2009, at 1:07:10
Thank you for the support. I certainly do need it right now :)
You are very brave to give your therapist gifts. The exchange sounds lovely :)
Posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 11:43:48
In reply to Re: I think I might give it back *long* » Dinah, posted by raisinb on January 15, 2009, at 10:44:26
Do you have any more sessions with her before her leave? It would be a shame to part on that note.
Is it possible to see the issue somewhere in the middle?
That she was focusing too much on your relationship because she's going away, and because she sensed you were withdrawn, and she wants to leave on a good note so she doesn't have worries on her mind during her maternity leave.
And you perhaps were being self protective by allowing other concerns to override your therapy concerns? Particularly since the session before was such a good one. There might have been some pull to "save" that one. Now it's tainted. I think it's natural for someone to disengage before having a source of support yanked out. It's a shame she didn't recognize and honor that.
And darn it, why should she go off for weeks and weeks of bliss with no worries on her mind about the clients she left behind? She *should* have her clients on her mind to some extent. That's her end of holding on to the connection.
Just a few thoughts based quite a bit on projection on my part, I'm sure. (Although I'd have absolutely no trouble making my therapist's life miserable under those circumstances, and did.)
I hope you have another session to try to fix this before she's gone.
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