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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Looney Tunes on December 21, 2008, at 0:39:56
Ok, well my therapist is gone for 2.5 weeks and he was supposed to do something for me before he left. In fact, he offered to do it, I did not even ask.
Well, he did NOT do it. I waited for 4 days and now he is gone.
(I don't want to say what it is, because I don't want people to laugh)I am really sad. My entire last 4 sessions were about being abandoned and forgotten and there he goes forgetting me.
He has forgotten other important things or ignored other things. For example, I have only made ONE emergency phone call and he never called me back. The police later came instead.
I feel so let down and honestly I have no desire to see him anymore. This was a big mistake and I have just had it with being hurt.
I sort of feel like starting over in the new year.
I have only been with him about 5.5 months.My old therapist would never have forgotten or ignored important things. Never.
Any thoughts?
Posted by softheprairie on December 21, 2008, at 1:40:39
In reply to When your therapist makes a BIG mistake. --- Sigh, posted by Looney Tunes on December 21, 2008, at 0:39:56
> Ok, well my therapist is gone for 2.5 weeks and he was supposed to do something for me before he left. In fact, he offered to do it, I did not even ask.
>
> Well, he did NOT do it. I waited for 4 days and now he is gone.
> (I don't want to say what it is, because I don't want people to laugh)
>
> I am really sad. My entire last 4 sessions were about being abandoned and forgotten and there he goes forgetting me.
>
> He has forgotten other important things or ignored other things. For example, I have only made ONE emergency phone call and he never called me back. The police later came instead.
>
> I feel so let down and honestly I have no desire to see him anymore. This was a big mistake and I have just had it with being hurt.
>
> I sort of feel like starting over in the new year.
> I have only been with him about 5.5 months.
>
> My old therapist would never have forgotten or ignored important things. Never.
>
> Any thoughts?
>I can understand changing therapists over these timeS (plural) of letting you down. The fact that you had just spent weeks of sessions talking about being abandoned and forgotten just adds insult to injury. If you are very brave you might bring this up to him and see if you can still work with him, but I don't know that I could be that bold.
Posted by JayMac on December 21, 2008, at 3:15:33
In reply to When your therapist makes a BIG mistake. --- Sigh, posted by Looney Tunes on December 21, 2008, at 0:39:56
I understand what it's like to feel abandoned again and again and again. And when you crucially need someone to remember you, they forget. I think that our Ts make mistakes. On a very practical level, I'm sure your T did not certainly mean to make you feel upset with him. I'm sure he does not want you to feel abandoned, especially by him. This is part of the process. There are days or months when you will feel connected and then you will feel disconnected. Sometimes it's best to give someone the benefit of the doubt.
When you see him next, ask him if he knows he forgot about you. Tell him how much it hurt you. It sucks that you don't see him for 2.5 weeks. I hate it when our Ts do something and then they leave and we have to sit with our emotions longer than we would like.
Take care of yourself.
Posted by backseatdriver on December 21, 2008, at 13:10:20
In reply to Re: When your therapist makes a BIG mistake. --- Sigh » Looney Tunes, posted by JayMac on December 21, 2008, at 3:15:33
I just spent four sessions on abandonment, too, in preparation for a three-week "break." So please know that you're not alone.
I did confront my T, for the whole of these four sessions, about the break and what it meant for me. The sessions were full of rage and hatred, which amazingly went both ways. At a certain point, I felt my anger come to an end -- I started to feel ready to stop fighting.
It was good to feel a *whole* emotion for once, from start to finish. It made me realize how rare that is in my life -- I have a small child and my sleep is constantly interrupted, as are my thoughts, my speech, my time alone. So I have discovered that I need to prioritize this subtle thing more -- I need to prioritize "whole" experiences rather than just constantly tantalizing myself with things that always wind up being broken off in the middle.
In other words, I have to stop abandoning *myself* in the million little ways that I habitually do.
This was the good thing that came out of all that confrontation. I risked the relationship -- but it was worth it. Echoing what some other folks have said, if you can confront your therapist with his neglect, and keep confronting until you are really and truly satisfied that he has compensated you for your suffering at his hands, then afterward you might find you have grown in a whole new way.
Posted by Phillipa on December 21, 2008, at 13:23:35
In reply to Re: When your therapist makes a BIG mistake. --- S, posted by backseatdriver on December 21, 2008, at 13:10:20
That's kind of what happened in different way with the last t none since as she said after forgetting her homework assignments that I was proud I accomplished that he seemed we'd gotten no where in a year and that was with every two to three week appointments she wanted to know why my husband was there and she specifically assigned us a homework assignment then wanted to know why I couldn't drive there alone which then she said above. never went back as she was ditching me. Love Phillipa been there done that and my issue is abandonment big time.
Posted by seldomseen on December 21, 2008, at 16:15:32
In reply to When your therapist makes a BIG mistake. --- Sigh, posted by Looney Tunes on December 21, 2008, at 0:39:56
I'm so sorry. That's a pretty big mistake after your last sessions.
My therapist has let me down too. It hurts.
One thing that helps me is to remind myself "he didn't forget *me*, he forgot what I asked him to do" or in your case what he offered to do.
I can't blame you for not wanting to go back. That's how I usually feel too.
Camp comfort is open if you would like to join us. Obviously it's not a real place, but it is where we commiserate things. I think this year's theme is hibernation. The thread is above.
Seldom.
Posted by Dinah on December 22, 2008, at 8:42:56
In reply to When your therapist makes a BIG mistake. --- Sigh, posted by Looney Tunes on December 21, 2008, at 0:39:56
My therapist has made similar mistakes, and it's caused ruptures in the relationship. I've learned to understand it's just who he is. He told me to call and remind him, and my calls are sometimes less than warm and gracious. More like "Dinah. Reminder. Call."
But my therapy had so many positives that learning to work through the negatives made a lot of sense. If you don't feel that this relationship has the positives, then maybe this isn't the right therapist for you.
I often think that if I ever did try to find a new therapist after my therapist, I'd probably need a transition therapist. Someone I could hate because they aren't MY therapist, then move on and the next therapist would at least be better than that awful one I just saw. Do you think there might be some of that going on?
Learning to work though ruptures in therapy can be enormously helpful. But therapists aren't washing machines. They aren't interchangeable. If this isn't the right therapist it isn't. I'm always struck by the similarity of the mechanics of long term therapy to marriage. You wouldn't marry someone who wasn't right just because you'd been dating for 5 1/2 months. That time is spent learning if this is the right person. If there are positive things here, or if you think this is the therapist who can help you work through any issues you may have, then it's worth working through the difficulties. But only you can know that. (And even then it likely isn't easy to know for oneself.)
Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 22, 2008, at 10:13:49
In reply to When your therapist makes a BIG mistake. --- Sigh, posted by Looney Tunes on December 21, 2008, at 0:39:56
LT,
I don't think there is much more I can add - as the other replies sum up my thoughts. I just want to say that I can empathise with the pain you are feeling. This is a horrible way for things to be left for 2.5 weeks - and what are you to do in the mean time until he returns?
From this and your earlier thread, you sound disillusioned with the therapy you are currently having. I'd take this time to consider very carefully what you need from him and whether he can give that to you. This must be especially hard given the relationship you had with your previous T. The not calling you back when you made an emergency call is worrying - you need and deserve someone who is capable and reliable. I can see why, after 4 sessions focused on abandonment issues, and him subsequently forgetting you, you are finding it hard to trust the sincerity of therapists - this is a big blow to ones trust.
I suppose there are two ways - a new year a new start, or else by making it very clear that your T has to do things differently or else as Dinah said, setting up a system whereby you can remind him so that he doesn't forget. Like others have said, I very much doubt this was anything intentional on his part, it was an unfortunate mistake. But what you may have to realise is that this is likely one of his weaknesses - it's not the first time and probably won't be the last time that he forgets.
(((LT))))
Witti
Posted by onceupon on December 23, 2008, at 9:58:36
In reply to When your therapist makes a BIG mistake. --- Sigh, posted by Looney Tunes on December 21, 2008, at 0:39:56
Oh, I'm sorry he forgot, LT. Have you had a chance to talk with him about feeling hurt in the past? I'd be enraged if my therapist didn't return my emergency call, but sent the police instead. That one seems pretty egregious to me.
I can understand wanting to start over, but I also know how difficult it can be to find a new therapist. IIRC, you had difficulties finding your current therapist?
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