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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on November 24, 2008, at 20:48:12
I had my final session with T today. It wasnt really a planned, long coming termination... I'd decided to take a break about a month ago, left her a voicemail saying so. I wasnt upset with her or running away, just not getting anywhere and needed a break. She called me 2 weeks ago and said she wanted me to come in at some point, so we scheduled for today. I think I sort of knew it was termination, but it wasnt an agreed upon and planned thing.
It was hard. I'd been going for 2 years and a few months. She said she'd miss me and I felt the warm, caring therapist I've wanted out of her for a long time. She hugged me when I left. She said I'm welcome back anytime and seemed relieved when I said I'd call in a few months to tell her how I was doing either way. During the last month where I wasnt going, I did just fine with it. Didnt particularly miss her and wasnt terribly bothered by it. Today has been different.
On one hand, I'm proud of myself. She pointed out all the ways in which I'm better now than 2 years ago. It really is night and day. I've come a LONG way... from depression so severe I was hospitalized multiple times in a row and unable to work, to today, where I work a highly stressful job and function quite successfully overall. Whatever the reason (and I'm sure there are many), I've come a very long way. I'm proud of myself for who I am today compared to then.
On the other hand, this is really hard. I've seen T once a week for the past 2+ years. It's habit. It's the one break in my week that has felt like a deep breath. We run in very similar (sometimes the same) professional circles in the same town so that was a neat connection for us sometimes. I told her about my cases at work/work stress and my boyfriend... two things which are really ongoing issues/stories that cant be explained in one session to anyone. It's like an old friend that has seen you go from point A to point B. From swearing I'd never date the man I'm dating, so getting involved with him, to the crisis we're at in our relationship now. I really valued the weekly sessions, even when they were really beneficial in a therapeutic sense, just for someone who "knew me". I struggle with feeling like I dont quite fit in and cant quite be myself with most people. My T was one of two people in my life I'd say who I felt I was really myself with. I felt comfortable doing so and I know she liked me as "myself".
I know that I've come far enough that I can be okay without therapy from any therapist right now. Nonetheless, part of me wants to act out and sabotage myself right now. The little girl inside is screaming "wait, I'm not ready to be an adult and do this all on my own". Being a real, functioning adult, without a therapist, just going about life... that's very scary for me. I dont feel ready. I know who "wishingstar plus mental health needs/therapists/etc" is. Plain old "wishingstar" is a little more obscure.
I do have an appt with far away T next week, but right now all I want back is regular T here in town! I know this will pass. I've made a rule for myself.. no calling her for 3 weeks. After 3 weeks, if I want to go back for a session, I can. She clearly said I can anytime. But I think 3 weeks is enough time to give me the distance I need.
Sorry this is so rambling. It's all a jumble right now. I just cant imagine not seeing her every week. She's still just as "there" and available to me as before, there's just no scheduled appt. Really not that different. But it feels so, so different.
I know I'm doing the right thing. I'm a strong woman and that's ME, not me plus my T. I hate termination.
Posted by Dinah on November 24, 2008, at 21:16:11
In reply to Terminated with T today, posted by wishingstar on November 24, 2008, at 20:48:12
I really do see the change in you. Do you think it was your therapist behind that? Or life?
Change isn't easy, and ending relationships isn't easy. Even if you do have the option of resuming the relationship. I'm glad she left that door open.
I think the three week idea is a good one. I noticed when my therapist was out of the country that after a while I did better than I expected. As long as I never heard from him.
Posted by no_rose_garden on November 24, 2008, at 21:57:45
In reply to Re: Terminated with T today » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on November 24, 2008, at 21:16:11
I don't really know you...but it sounds like you are doing very well...
Also, I think you are strong for terminating but leaving open the possibility of going back.
Posted by JoniS on November 25, 2008, at 6:41:08
In reply to Terminated with T today, posted by wishingstar on November 24, 2008, at 20:48:12
Wishingstar,
"...I know that I've come far enough that I can be okay without therapy from any therapist right now. Nonetheless, part of me wants to act out and sabotage myself right now. The little girl inside is screaming "wait, I'm not ready to be an adult and do this all on my own". Being a real, functioning adult, without a therapist, just going about life... that's very scary for me. I dont feel ready. I know who "wishingstar plus mental health needs/therapists/etc" is. Plain old "wishingstar" is a little more obscure.
I know I'm doing the right thing. I'm a strong woman and that's ME, not me plus my T. I hate termination..."
Congratulations that you have come so far! You sound strong and resolved in your post, and also sad to be saying goodbye to the t, and to the demands of "the little girl inside"
I'm very proud of you and I wish you well. Thanks for your post.
Joni
Posted by caraher on November 25, 2008, at 11:45:41
In reply to Re: Terminated with T today, posted by JoniS on November 25, 2008, at 6:41:08
Good for you!
I know you'll miss her in some ways, but I think you'll also do well not to have those invalidating moments that sometimes set you into a downward spiral.
And the door is open to come back later on, if in the long run you want to.
It wasn't easy, but it sounds like a good move.
Posted by wishingstar on December 3, 2008, at 20:34:36
In reply to Re: Terminated with T today, posted by caraher on November 25, 2008, at 11:45:41
Just wanted to say thank you everyone for responding. I wrote out a nice, long response a day or so after your responses. My password is saved on my home computer but I was away from home for Thanksgiving when I typed it. I guessed at the password and I guess I was wrong because when I hit submit, the entire screen closed out on me, and I lost everything I'd typed. I was too annoyed to write it all out again in the moment... and now the moment is kind of past. But I appreciate everyone's thoughts. Terminating with T was definitely for the best.
Posted by caraher on December 4, 2008, at 16:50:28
In reply to Re: Terminated with T today, posted by wishingstar on December 3, 2008, at 20:34:36
I'm glad the passage of time has not brought with it regrets!
This is the end of the thread.
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