![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by raisinb on June 19, 2008, at 18:17:03
Well, I was so upset over that phone call issue that I sent my therapist an emergency page. She called back and said she'd been waiting to call me back so she could talk to the practice manager about what the exact policy was (although, since she's never not called me back before, it is possible that she *was* angry).
According to her, she thought that had always been her policy, and she was sorry if she had not billed me for calls over 30 minutes before. She said she would go back through my records and check, and was sorry for any misunderstanding.
Well, I started yelling and yelling at her. She let me rant and cry for awhile, then stopped me and said "I can't do this with you fighting me like this," that it was time to stop only talking about what was wrong with her, because it was not productive, and we needed to focus on *me,* because that was the only way we'd be able to move forward. I protested this endlessly, but she was firm. She said sometimes she had to set a boundary when we were not getting anywhere. She said she would love to see me come back, if I was willing to go with that plan.
As you can imagine, I was unhappy with this and told her I was quitting. Then I spent two days sad and very, very lost, and made appointments with other therapists (one of whom was great, so I have a backup just in case).
Then, because I was in so much pain, I thought, well, what would it be like to go back and just do it her way? Immediately I felt this tremendous wave of relief that I would be able to stop fighting and turn the burden of this over to her. So that is what I did. And things have gone really well so far.
It very well may not be the right decision. But I just can't *agonize* over this any more--is this right? should I quit? am I getting screwed here? I can't keep resisting, trying to control what she does, suspiciously looking at every question or action for hidden motives. My therapist was right--it was time to either quit or trust her. So I chose the latter. I feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted from my shoulders. It may not work out, but I could not continue what I was doing--the constant debating over whether she was good or bad, whether she cares or not. I do it in every relationship and though it's been good to protect me, it's also a form of self-punishment. Given the crises I've been through lately, I know I have to stop putting myself through hell, or I literally might end up dead.
It is bizarre to me that my therapist could have been right about something--in fact, know better than me myself--but evidently that is what happened. Or maybe she didn't know s--t, but what she did worked.
I am doing well for now. My doctor added Zoloft to my Wellbutrin, and the combination seems to be working much better than the former alone. I might not be on Babble much right now, because I am moving, it's summer, and I won't have internet access. But I hope you all are doing very well, and I'll be back soon--I am sure with more dramatic updates :).
Posted by Happyflower on June 19, 2008, at 22:01:52
In reply to update on raisin's endless therapist drama *long*, posted by raisinb on June 19, 2008, at 18:17:03
Well you know how well it turned out for me to change T's and how hard it was to switch. It won't take away the issue you have with her, but your new T can help. ((((((Raisin))))) Do what you feel in your heart.
Posted by Dinah on June 20, 2008, at 7:14:21
In reply to update on raisin's endless therapist drama *long*, posted by raisinb on June 19, 2008, at 18:17:03
I'm really glad you were able to get some peace on this. Others have spoken well about falling into the process and trusting the therapist. I don't think I've ever managed it, but I understand it can be a very good thing.
Good luck with the move! I hope all continues to go without too much drama until you're all settled in. :)
Posted by Tabitha on June 20, 2008, at 12:54:44
In reply to update on raisin's endless therapist drama *long*, posted by raisinb on June 19, 2008, at 18:17:03
Hi Raisin,
I can't know what's right either, or whether there's really any "right", but it sounds good that your decision brought you so much relief, and you were able to relate the dynamic with your T to the dynamic in your other relationships. I'm a big fan of changing tactics when one isn't working, although it can sure be difficult to do. Good work.
Posted by seldomseen on June 20, 2008, at 18:05:05
In reply to update on raisin's endless therapist drama *long*, posted by raisinb on June 19, 2008, at 18:17:03
Ultimately it came to the trust or quit thing with my T as well. Congrats on having the guts to go with the trust. It would have been much easier to just walk away.
As I'm sure you know you will have to remind yourself of this decision many many times in the coming months. You're more vulnerable with her now than you have ever been.
For me, that sent up all kinds of bells as whistles. We definately didn't just walk off arm and arm into the sunset. Just come back to that relief you felt when you decided to trust her.
No one knows how this will work out, but I certainly commend the significant chance you have taken in order to see that it does.
Take care of yourself and happy moving.
Seldom
Posted by Nadezda on June 21, 2008, at 14:51:13
In reply to update on raisin's endless therapist drama *long*, posted by raisinb on June 19, 2008, at 18:17:03
I personally, based on my own experiences, tend to think you did the right thing. You can't really ever "know' that someone cares about you, or 'how much" or "what way"-- you have finally to either believe in them, or not. And believe in your value, and deservingness, to be cared about-- which makes their caring believable.
I"ve been through somewhat similar agonizing discontinuities with my T, and he's said the same thing to me-- that it isn't about him and his limitations-- it's about me, and how I handle letting someone help me, trusting their good will and knowhow-- and opening myself up to considering what they say-- not batting it back, or shutting it out. Everyone-- every T, every teacher, every one who could help you learn or grow, has their blind spots, shortcomings, moments of not hearing, not being there-- it's how you cope with it, how you stay with it, and remain engaged and continue to be constructive (for yourself and in relation to them) that you're there to work on-- not perfecting them, so it's easy for you. Which, actually, it never will or can be--
At least that's what I've decided-- and over time, I think I've learned to do more.
So although I don't know about you and your T, the things she saying make sense to me, and the decision you've made also makes sense, and seems like making something good out of a situation that has been worthwhile, and valuable-- and where you've felt caring in the past.
I remember in your lighthouse dream, you decided the image was a bad thing-- but a lighthouse is a signal, a beacon of a safe place when you're lost. So it might be that when you say you felt lost, she was the thing you could find to help you find solid ground.
I don't expect it will be entirely smooth, but this seems like the right effort to be making, rather than looking for another T. You have to see, of course, but I would just trust my own judgment and let the inner struggle over her caring go.
I hope it does work out for you.
Nadezda
Posted by raisinb on June 21, 2008, at 16:11:23
In reply to Re: update on raisin's endless therapist drama *lo, posted by Nadezda on June 21, 2008, at 14:51:13
Thanks for the support and good wishes, everyone. I'm sure there will be ups and downs. But I can't continue to obsess over whether she cares or not. It's a bad thing that I do to myself, along with beating myself up over bills, not being married, not being good enough in a million ways. If nothing else, I've learned that I can stop that.
The move will make me feel sad and dislocated for awhile; it always does. But if everything goes well I'll have a much bigger place AND a garage :)
Posted by rskontos on June 22, 2008, at 16:26:32
In reply to Re: update on raisin's endless therapist drama *lo, posted by raisinb on June 21, 2008, at 16:11:23
You know raisin, and this is an equally hard thing for me, that trust and therapy well for us to be able to trust a stranger and for it to work relatively well I think is ultimately what the goal of therapy is and should be. Let's face it our childhood's did not give us what we needed. We were damaged and are trying hard to overcome that. So, therapy, whereby we trust a total stranger with vital information and we develop an unlikely relationship that works with all its imperfections helps us learn that other relationships can do the same in that we try it and soon our brain gets this concept. And so we go. And maybe it becomes easier as time goes by and we enter into more and more relationships.
In acceptance of that, we help ourselves to heal slowly over time. When you thin k about it that dream that Nadezda referred -- a lighthouse. Well you can think about a lighthouse. A beacon of light set up to guide sailors into safety. What if they thought suspiciously that the people on dry land did not what them to be safe and fought the light and what it stood for. In a lot of what we do we accept by faith that people we don't know have our own good in their care and concern for us, and we follow that blindly. Like people at restaurants, the police, etc. We can find examples everywhere. So it is goes. In your dream it could be saying that your therapist does have your care at her core and that you just need to try to trust. To take that first step is a first step toward healing.
I am a firm believer that once you make a decision if you feel relief then you have your answer. If you don't then you have your answer. You felt relief, now go forward knowing you did what your heart felt was right. it is enough for now.
rsk
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.