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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Happyflower on April 13, 2008, at 10:32:29
I got a poem written at 3am, like normal lately. For some reason the creativity doesn't come 9-5. I think I am feeling better today physically and mentally.
But I got a letter yesterday about Psi Chi ceremony. It used to be a no big deal thing. Well this year they are holding it in the auditorium with a procession and everything. I don't feel like doing this in front of a bunch of people. I should feel good about myself for the achievement, but I don't feel like one of those national honor society people.
I was treating it like it was no big deal, but now the school is making a big deal, with it being in then local newspaper, and on the psych. web site, pictures in the psych hall and everything. I am too shy for this attention, I don't want it. I would rather be the smart kid in the back of the classroom nobody notices.
Okay, poor self esteem, self confidence, feeling unworthy, scared of achievement, scared of failing, scared nobody will like me, scared a lot of people will like me. Okay, I have issues, I know.
I think I will just stay in my pj's today and finish writing these poems to keep my mind off of it. I wrote this poem and now my DH is acting all weird like he thinks I have been SA and am suicidal. And I am not, it is just a poem, right, I am okay, right? It is just a poem. I feel like calling my T, I don't know why. Here it is, don't read if this stuff triggers you.A Hundred Albums
(an Ashbery Erasure poem)Acts in compromise,
Most unpleasant rape.
Rage begins in a child,
Bent light of innocence.
Death rescues no love.
For you lose out
Of everything
And no secret vigil
Can calm it,
That was so
Beautiful within.
Posted by Phillipa on April 13, 2008, at 12:06:36
In reply to Think I feel better today, posted by Happyflower on April 13, 2008, at 10:32:29
Happyflower congrats on the honor. But you say you feel better and Husband is worried about you. Sounds like two versions one yous and one his. Can you explain a bit better. I stay up late too is this unusual for you? Is that his concern or contents of poem? Phillipa
Posted by Kath on April 13, 2008, at 20:35:49
In reply to Think I feel better today, posted by Happyflower on April 13, 2008, at 10:32:29
Dear HF,
I think that a lot of people push themselves into doing things that they don't want to do.
Sometimes I am brave enough to know that I do NOT want to do something that everyone seems to simply EXPECT that I'll do. "of COURSE Kath will be there/ do that, etc."
WHY should we do things that make us feel uncomfortable just because it's expected?
I hope you can give yourself the gift of looking at how much - on a scale of 1 to 10 - you WANT to be part of that ceremony. As you point out - it's escalated into something WAY different form what you expected/hoped for/wanted/feel comfortable with.
Once, many years ago, I was part of a women's group. We had an activity where each of us would research a topic. I planned to obtain a video about 'my' topic (which was a fairly controversial topic regarding women; the video was Restricted) & give a VERY brief outline of other info I'd found about the topic. My plan was that our women's group would watch the video & then talk about it. I mentioned the video that I was planning to get & the whole thing mushroomed outwards, ending in a plan to rent a hall & that the showing of the video would be open to the public, with a public discussion. As this was 'my topic', it seemed that the expectation was that I would still give my outline at the end of the showing. I was really uncomfortable about even seeing this film in mixed company, let alone saying anything in public & possibly be 'attacked' if some members of the public held a different view than I did. I ended up saying that I would not be attending. (& it was MY TOPIC)!!!!!!
So - bottom line - it was TOTALLY expected that I'd be there & 'do my thing'. That did NOT work for me - so I didn't do it!!
I'm not saying you shouldn't go. I'm simply saying that it's possible to decide that even though we had planned to be somewhere & others were totally expecting it, we DO have the right to CHANGE OUR MIND. I hope you will be able to look at the event, how it has evolved & decide what you WANT to do for YOU. And if you decide something that others ask you questions about or grill you about, you have the right to say, "I've made an informed decision about this. This is my decision & I'm not prepared to discuss it further at this point." - along with a pleasant smile & VERY quickly launching into a totally different topic!
These are just thoughts HF. They might not work for you AT ALL. If so, please know that I'm only mentioning them because they popped into my mind. Also, I am not expecting you to make any comment on them at all.
:-))) ((((((((((((you))))))))))
luv, Kath
PS - yes, poems ARE poems. Maybe if people love us & are afraid for our wellbeing & safety, they might act as if poems are FACTS...or something.
During menopause I'd wake up in the night, not be able to sleep & take a pen & my book & the most amazing poems would 'happen'. I'm glad that now, my creativity (with my pottery) has agreed to happen during the day - or whenever I put myself in front of clay & coloured underglazes - my pottery recently has a lot of butterflies, dragonflies, fish, lizards & seashells - which clamour for me to paint them with underglaze before putting a clear glaze on top!!!! Yay.
Hugs to you, Kath
Posted by Happyflower on April 14, 2008, at 19:53:11
In reply to Re: Think I feel better today » Happyflower, posted by Phillipa on April 13, 2008, at 12:06:36
Thanks Phillipa,
I think he is most upset about the content and darkness of the subjects and emotions of the poems. But sometimes poems can't all be happy, but I am okay though.
Posted by Happyflower on April 14, 2008, at 19:56:38
In reply to Re: Think I feel better today » Happyflower, posted by Kath on April 13, 2008, at 20:35:49
Hi Kath,
Wow, that situation sure grew and grew. For some reason I was surpried you didn't go in the end, but in a way, you did what was best for you.
I will probably go, it would be good to meet some of the prof. in the department I have been hiding from.
Plus that nasty stage is where I used to preform in the Jazz Ensemble, so there is a huge emotional feel to the place. I am still thinking about going.
Thank you so much for yours support.
Posted by Phillipa on April 14, 2008, at 20:46:57
In reply to Re: Think I feel better today » Phillipa, posted by Happyflower on April 14, 2008, at 19:53:11
Happyflower great was worried about you. How was a day in PJ's? Love Phillipa
Posted by Happyflower on April 14, 2008, at 20:52:34
In reply to Re: Think I feel better today » Happyflower, posted by Phillipa on April 14, 2008, at 20:46:57
It was great! I got all my homework done early and spent the night coloring in my new coloring book of kaleidoscope designs with brand new colored pencils.
Thanks Phillipa,
Which reminds me I need to take a picture of your street! lol
Posted by Phillipa on April 15, 2008, at 18:52:04
In reply to Re: Think I feel better today » Phillipa, posted by Happyflower on April 14, 2008, at 20:52:34
Happyflower how do you take a pic of my street? Confused on that one. Phillipa
Posted by Happyflower on April 15, 2008, at 19:34:20
In reply to Re: Think I feel better today » Happyflower, posted by Phillipa on April 15, 2008, at 18:52:04
Hi Phillipa,
Remember a long time ago, I came across a street called Phillipa, I was going to take a picture and post it on Babble? I just forgot till now.
Posted by Phillipa on April 15, 2008, at 20:57:41
In reply to Re: Think I feel better today » Phillipa, posted by Happyflower on April 15, 2008, at 19:34:20
That's right I do remember wow no Alzheimers yet I guess. Love Phillipa. Well if you ever take it permission granted to post it or whatever.
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