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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on September 22, 2007, at 15:06:56
I posted on the Self Esteem board but got no replies:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20070330/msgs/784176.html
When I look in the mirror, I can't see myself unless I look out of the corner of my eye, if that makes sense. Or if I look in another mirror in order to see my image in a mirror. I can only focus instead of individual bits of me. I tried to go clothes shopping today and couldn't imagine myself in anything - everything seemed utterly unsuitable for me - which might be true - or it might be that I just hate myself too much right now to be able to think anything could be suitable?
This feels heavy.thanks
cs
Posted by twinleaf on September 22, 2007, at 17:10:14
In reply to Is this disassociation?, posted by ClearSkies on September 22, 2007, at 15:06:56
I think it might be. I experienced something very similiar- just not being able to know how I actually looked when I looked in the mirror- in the few months after the rupture with my T. At first, I thought my eyes needed checking- they were fine-- then I realized that it was related to the tremendous anxiety I felt about being rejected. I could see that my hair was combed, and that I had put lip=gloss on- but it didn't add up to a whole me that I was familiar with. It's gradually disappeared now that I have formed a supportive relationship with the new T. Is there something happening in your life, or in your therapy, which is increasing your anxiety by a major amount? Even if you aren't sure, you could tell your T. about this, and ask for extra support while you try to find out what's happening.
Posted by ClearSkies on September 22, 2007, at 17:28:54
In reply to Re: Is this disassociation?, posted by twinleaf on September 22, 2007, at 17:10:14
> I think it might be. I experienced something very similiar- just not being able to know how I actually looked when I looked in the mirror- in the few months after the rupture with my T. At first, I thought my eyes needed checking- they were fine-- then I realized that it was related to the tremendous anxiety I felt about being rejected. I could see that my hair was combed, and that I had put lip=gloss on- but it didn't add up to a whole me that I was familiar with. It's gradually disappeared now that I have formed a supportive relationship with the new T. Is there something happening in your life, or in your therapy, which is increasing your anxiety by a major amount? Even if you aren't sure, you could tell your T. about this, and ask for extra support while you try to find out what's happening.
Yes, I've had quite an upheaval over this summer with family stuff, getting medication sorted out, and finally moving forward on some critical issues in therapy. And at this same time that all this upheaval is happening, I'm feeling kind of fractured and disconnected from myself. I even abandoned doing yoga, which I've loved doing, because I just don't have a very firm sense of my self and body. I definitely feel that if I stood on one foot that I'd keel right over - no body confidence whatever.
I'm seeing my T again this week and I'll bring this with me. In the meantime, I had stopped using my Xanax prescription because I've been feeling pretty numb, but I think I will get back to my daily prescribed dosage and see if that gets some normalcy going.
Thanks, Twinleaf.
CS
Posted by twinleaf on September 22, 2007, at 17:46:06
In reply to Re: Is this disassociation? » twinleaf, posted by ClearSkies on September 22, 2007, at 17:28:54
It sounds like a LOT is going on. I've found that, if those feelings recur, they disappear if I see my T more often (3 rather than 2 times a week), and discuss the unreal feelings themselves. He usually has lots of insightful things to say- and just the interaction with him seems to help me get feeling more like myself. I;'m not sure, but I don't think you see your T. as often as I do, do you?
Posted by Quintal on September 22, 2007, at 18:42:06
In reply to Re: Is this disassociation? » twinleaf, posted by ClearSkies on September 22, 2007, at 17:28:54
Did this come on, or become more noticeable after you stopped using the Xanax? Because 'derealization' and 'depersonalization' have been reported when people stop using benzos suddenly, and that sounds as if it might be bit like what you're describing. I've experienced some perceptual distortions when I quit them in the past, nothing drastic, but I certainly felt very odd and 'disconnected' from myself. It's hard to describe.
Q
Posted by ClearSkies on September 23, 2007, at 8:28:41
In reply to Re: Is this disassociation?, posted by twinleaf on September 22, 2007, at 17:46:06
I usually see my T every other week, but I asked for an extra session went I went all weepy this week. She was surprised when I didn't reschedule our next appointment. It also feels strange to be suddenly needy like this - but so much is happening right now. It just feels like my skin doesn't fit properly on my body. Ugh.
cs
Posted by ClearSkies on September 23, 2007, at 8:31:52
In reply to Re: Is this disassociation? » ClearSkies, posted by Quintal on September 22, 2007, at 18:42:06
> Did this come on, or become more noticeable after you stopped using the Xanax? Because 'derealization' and 'depersonalization' have been reported when people stop using benzos suddenly, and that sounds as if it might be bit like what you're describing. I've experienced some perceptual distortions when I quit them in the past, nothing drastic, but I certainly felt very odd and 'disconnected' from myself. It's hard to describe.
>
> QI haven't been consistent with using the Xanax in the first place, so I don't think I can pin this on the benzo. What I have been experiencing is a rapid succession of triggering events, though, and I think I should have been more vigilant in taking the Xanax as prescribed (which is quite low; .5mg a day). All my usual routines have gone out the window, actually, which is contributing to my feeling of disconnection, I should think.
CS
Posted by antigua3 on September 23, 2007, at 11:34:39
In reply to Re: Is this disassociation? » Quintal, posted by ClearSkies on September 23, 2007, at 8:31:52
I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time right now. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.
antigua
Posted by ClearSkies on September 23, 2007, at 21:06:44
In reply to Re: Is this disassociation?ClearSkies, posted by antigua3 on September 23, 2007, at 11:34:39
Thanks. Today I forced myself to go buy some clothes that fit me and I premedicated with Xanax - it helped a lot. I think that when my T tells me to be gentle with myself I have to actually do it and not just nod my head and say, "yeah, whatever." Husband hasn't got a clue and I can't give him one, either. I'm just mute on all this stuff. Vacation will be interesting. It might be just the thing - having to think in a foreign language and all - give the rest of my head a rest from what it's been dwelling on.
CS
Posted by rskontos on September 30, 2007, at 12:15:51
In reply to Re: Is this disassociation?ClearSkies » antigua3, posted by ClearSkies on September 23, 2007, at 21:06:44
Hi, I have a dissociative disorder so I can related. I often feel cut off from reality. I wake up in different places, don't remember how I got to places, meet people I have no recollection of meeting, and so on and so on. I have bought things I don't remember. Anyway, I can relate to your feelings. I didn't know what to call this it was my T that gave me the DX. It is tough and my husband doesn't understand it but he tries. My black out periods as I call them come and go as they want and I have no control so it can be frightening but over the years I have learned I usually don't get hurt. They have tried in the past to medicate me for partial seizures. The meds don't work. I just now am understanding that it probably isn't partials as they never happen at home. If you have really depersonalization then meds don't always help. But it couldn't hurt I guess. I haven't found a good p-doc that understands this yet as it is hard. But having a T that does it the first step and if you do he/she can help you mine has. Although I think she has dumped me now. Maybe not maybe she is just busy. Anyway, I just wanted to say you are not alone and you will be ok. I have lived with this since I was a child and I am 48 now. I am a mess but still hanging in there. RK
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