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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on August 10, 2007, at 11:37:14
I'm NOT a LIAR!!
ok...i'm feeling SO much better about my memories.
had a nice talk with T yesterday.some of what i told my old T, later i felt almost sick to my stomach because i felt like i lied to him...it just DIDN'T "feel" right...at the time it did, but a few months ago when i started thinking about stuff again...i feel like i 'lied' about one incident that happened, yet part of the memory was very real.
well, i think i realized that the memory was real BUT it was the abuser that was wrong, it was just a different person...i blamed one but i think it was the other and THAT felt right.so i was trying to tell her that its hard for me cuz i feel like a liar sometimes because i have these "snipit's" of memory but nothing else, and sometimes its like they're just a big GLOB of memories, that i can't really decipher one from another...thus making me feel like i'm lying about all of it cuz i can't pinpoint anything.
She said that she read about trauma theories and that there is trauma1 and trauma2 and that one happens once and those memories tend to be Very Specific and lots of detail (say like an earthquake or something). where as the other is multiple or over years and the memories tend to blend together....
Man, i can't TELL you how good that made me feel to hear her say that! and that's when i told her that, i told her it was good to hear it and then i told her about the last memory i told old T, the main reason i didn't want her to see old file...i didn't want have to say oh by the way, i dont think that last parts true...i think i made it up.does anyone else have these issues with 'memories'. that it's like a big glob and you can't decipher one from the other??
b2c
Posted by Phillipa on August 10, 2007, at 11:54:37
In reply to I am NOT a Liar afterall!!, posted by B2chica on August 10, 2007, at 11:37:14
You mean a Bingo I remember correctly moment? Love Phillipa
Posted by slugdoo on August 10, 2007, at 12:16:11
In reply to I am NOT a Liar afterall!!, posted by B2chica on August 10, 2007, at 11:37:14
> so i was trying to tell her that its hard for me cuz i feel like a liar sometimes because i have these "snipit's" of memory but nothing else, and sometimes its like they're just a big GLOB of memories, that i can't really decipher one from another...thus making me feel like i'm lying about all of it cuz i can't pinpoint anything.
WOw, B2, that is exactly what I was trying to tell my T and why I had trouble coming up a specific memory of what happened. There is a big glob of sh*t, and it all is in different pieces and I was getting frusterated because it is hard to have a beginning, middle and end to the memory. When I do EMDR you think of the memory, well how can you do that when parts are missing? Auuugghhh! I think my T thought I was being stubborn or resistant, but I was't.
> She said that she read about trauma theories and that there is trauma1 and trauma2 and that one happens once and those memories tend to be Very Specific and lots of detail (say like an earthquake or something). where as the other is multiple or over years and the memories tend to blend together....I have read this in Spario's book on EMDR, the women who developed the technique. But she called it little t's(t standing for traumas) and big T's. and a lot of little t's can be just as bad as one big T, like say Sept. 11th thing if you were in the middle of that.
> Man> does anyone else have these issues with 'memories'. that it's like a big glob and you can't decipher one from the other??
> b2cWell I do , I have very specific memories, and then a big glob of stuff too. I want your T, B2 okay?
Posted by B2chica on August 10, 2007, at 12:30:53
In reply to Re: I am NOT a Liar afterall!! » B2chica, posted by slugdoo on August 10, 2007, at 12:16:11
>>>hard to have a beginning, middle and end to the memory.
EXACTLY Sluggy!!
i think i'll steal your words, very good discriptor.>>>Well I do , I have very specific memories, and then a big glob of stuff too. I want your T, B2 okay?
yes, some of mine are clear and detailed...and as i talk more comes up, but others...well i feel like i'm failing the test with only having a 'piece' of it and nothing else comes forward.
and ya, she's very caring...i'm liking her more and more...and mostly i'm trusting her more and more, which is nice but scary for me (my female/trust issues). i guess part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. but everytime i trust her and tell her another thing that makes me feel like a freak, she doesn't react badly or get wierded out or anything...in fact she, dare i say, validates my feelings...(which honestly, i don't think ANYONE...EVER in my life has done that, so it is a little weird) but i think she's a "keeper" :)
-but i think she'd be great for you too ('cept she doesn't do EMDR).
wanna come?? i'm sure she'd love seeing you too :)
Posted by DAisym on August 10, 2007, at 14:33:34
In reply to I am NOT a Liar afterall!!, posted by B2chica on August 10, 2007, at 11:37:14
B2 -- I'm sure you've read that memories morph and get attached to other things when they are stored. Being wrong about specifics does not make you a liar. I've struggled with this a great deal. My therapist, and my group therapist, try to reassure me that mixing up ages does not negate what I know happened to me. In fact, it is very common, particularly since we dissociate through much of it.
From a brain chemical stance, having a huge surge of cortisol can really change how you remember things. Reactivating one strand can cause many connected strands to come into consciousness. Memory is just weird and there is a lot we don't know about it yet.
And yes, I've read all the recovered memory stuff. What is important isn't whether the walls were pink or white, it is how you felt about what was happening to you. In my studies, we had a case of a young women who had very invasive medical proceedures done to her from 7 to 9 years old. At 22 she felt like she'd been raped. Even knowing it was necessary and medical, her trauma was no less real.
I'm glad you have a safe place to process all of this. It isn't easy and over and over again we must come to grips with knowing more that had previously been hidden. Again, doesn't make you a liar - makes you a little kid who had bad things done to her.
:(
Posted by B2chica on August 10, 2007, at 15:03:01
In reply to Re: I am NOT a Liar afterall!!, posted by DAisym on August 10, 2007, at 14:33:34
>>My therapist, and my group therapist, try to reassure me that mixing up ages does not negate what I know happened to me.
(((((((((DAisyn)))))))))
that's EXACTLY what i need to hear. i guess i'm just so used to that 'no one will ever believe you" going around in my head...i believe it...and everything i say has to be PERFECT or else that's one more reason for them not to believe......my little kid thanks you...
b
Posted by gardenergirl on August 10, 2007, at 15:32:54
In reply to Re: I am NOT a Liar afterall!! » DAisym, posted by B2chica on August 10, 2007, at 15:03:01
I'm glad you are finding your T helpful and validating. That's so important, especially when doing such painful and difficult work.
I agree with what the others have said about memories. They really can get mushed up, and then it does feel like there's something wrong with "us" and what we are saying, believing, feeling, if it's not "exactly right".
In my case, I had a similar insight about my father and my grandmother a few years ago. I've always dreaded going to see them, but I couldn't exactly articulare why. It just wasn't pleasant to be around them, mainly. Those feelings never got validated by anyone else, and I felt "bad" for feeling and thinking negatively about my family. Then I had the opportunity to sort of observe their behavior with some emotional distance, and I realized that they really are sort of hateful, critical people a lot. I was hit with an overwhelming relief that it wasn't just "me", and I hadn't imagined or exaggerated any of it.
I've had similar experiences when talking about early memories. When my mom or someone would "correct me", I always began to question what I knew. I finally realized that what I remember is what I felt. Maybe I didn't interpret the event properly, but at 3 or 4, maybe I wasn't likely to anyway. But it was still important enough to remember.
Anyway, I can imagine to some extent how validating and perhaps freeing to some extent it is for you to be validated as you were. I'm happy for you.
Take care,
gg
Posted by OzLand on August 10, 2007, at 20:40:17
In reply to I am NOT a Liar afterall!!, posted by B2chica on August 10, 2007, at 11:37:14
Yes; abuse over time; I think I remember specific incidents, and I think I really do, but other things tend to be a blur and blends of things. It is what it is!
OzLand
Posted by antigua3 on August 13, 2007, at 9:12:17
In reply to I am NOT a Liar afterall!!, posted by B2chica on August 10, 2007, at 11:37:14
I was having trouble posting so I couldn't reply earlier.
You've described my situation perfectly. I have snippets, sound memories and a whole lot of in between memories that don't fit together. My T says that's OK, because we always learn something from just a fragment. And it doesn't matter if we join the memories together wrongly; the important thing is the parts.
I'll give you an example. Last week I had a--what would you call it?-- vision, I guess, of being chased down, held down and touched by a group of boys. It didn't come to me clearly; I just remember running through the trees trying to get away.
Now my T picked up on that I fought as hard as I could against these people. I've always had a memory, feeling, a body feeling actually of fighting back and it was reinforced when I was in the hospital, out of my mind really, and the doctor kept telling my husband how hard I was fighting them. I've had flashbacks only about the fighting back. The thing is, this isn't about my father; I never, ever would have tried to fight him.
But the memory about being chased down doesn't feel right, but the fighting back does. So I have something to learn, but I don't know what it is.
Incidentally, my pdoc didn't believe a word of it. He asked "what were the repercussions?" I just went "huh?" But since I've seen him, I remember that I've always remembered an unusual incident that happened when I was child. One day when my mother wasn't home, my brothers decided to give my a bath in the middle of the day. More than highly unusual. They made the water so hot that when she got home my mother was really mad at them (because they had given me a fever and almost burned me), but what I remember most is that she gave me a coke to bring my temperature down. And we never had coke when I was a kid.
So, see, things fit together and then again they don't. Like I said, I don't believe the vision of being hunted down, but I do know the fighting back, bath and coke are true incidents. Do they go together? I don't have a clue. The rest will come or it won't, so try not to worry. I always think it has to be "true" or I'm lying, and I think I lie a lot, otherwise known as denial.
sorry to go on, but I'm glad you feel better knowing that memories can get mishmashed, but that doesn't make them untrue.
best,
antigua
Posted by B2chica on August 14, 2007, at 9:31:05
In reply to Re: I am NOT a Liar afterall!! **csa trigger** » B2chica, posted by antigua3 on August 13, 2007, at 9:12:17
((((((((antigua))))))
what you said is soooo helpful to me. i'm sorry you understand too well.
but this is exactly how i feel, that if it's not 100% true than i'm lying, or like you said...denial....i think more so.
i see how the memory and truth did tie in for you.i'm sorry it was hard for you to respond. but it was worth the wait. thank you very much for your insight!
b2c.
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