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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua3 on July 19, 2007, at 11:40:55
I'm sure just the title of this post will scare some off, and I'm sorry about that, but everyone MUST do what is best for them, especially in my experience when it comes to dealing with their own csa issues. What triggers one person, may not another, and a simple post can be overwhelming for another.
I'm not going to rant, just babble.
I can't tell each and every one of you how much what you posts means to me, and I don't mean what you write just to me, I mean to everyone. I may not be able to respond because I'm hurting at the time, or away, or too busy avoiding my pain, but the input of every single person involved in this issue has been so helpful to me, and I want you all to know that.
I may be so Pollyannish, but the community that has been created her over dealing with this issue is a wonder to me, and I don't think I would have made as much progress w/o hearing other people's stories.
Sometimes it's so hard to read, or to write about what's triggering me, but the responses that are offered almost always help me. Sometimes I come here to figure out something that's bothering me, but there are so many times when I learn something I'd never thought about that helps me. Even when I write what I think is the most awful stuff, there are others who feel the same way. I always felt so alone and ashamed in dealing with my csa because it's not like you can just talk about it with anyone--and so many times we shouldn't because their responses can be so hurtful.
So here's to releasing secrets. To grab the courage to let them out so they don't hurt us, continue to debilitate us, or even kill us. Sometimes I really feel like I will never get over this and it will kill me, but you people give me so much hope. It's not all about releasing our secrets here, but if we can take the courage and dive beyond the risk, protecting ourselves notwithstanding, of course, in therapy with a good T, or here, we help ourselves. There is NOTHING that is too bad or shameful to let go of. In letting go, we free ourselves.
Everyone is at a different stage in dealing w/this issue, and sometimes opening up is too hard or, in fact, impossible. That is really OK, but every secret that is let out in a safe environment makes us stronger, I think, and releases the hold that our abusers still have over so many of us, at least in my case.
One of the most important things I've learned over the years in dealing with this is that when I have an "A ha" moment, or recognize why I behave in certain situations, make connections if you will, some of my energy is released to deal with my life. I don't have to wallow in it, but let it out, and it really does make me more involved in my real life. I obsess so much over all this, and when the times arise that I feel better, I savor every moment of them, partly because I know things come in waves, and that my depression over this may well return, but every day that I don't have to struggle is such a gift.
And I wish that gift on all of you.antigua
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 19, 2007, at 19:30:45
In reply to Secrets **csa trigger**, posted by antigua3 on July 19, 2007, at 11:40:55
Thanks, Antigua. That was beautiful.
Posted by OzLand on July 19, 2007, at 20:56:51
In reply to Secrets **csa trigger**, posted by antigua3 on July 19, 2007, at 11:40:55
Thanks for that; I agree with you. I also think that talking about this with others can help to give each of us the courage to do the work that must be done in order to heal. For some it may take longer than for others, and that is okay. We are all different, and yet we have had similar experiences with secrets. Take care.
OzLand
Posted by DAisym on July 20, 2007, at 0:04:34
In reply to Secrets **csa trigger**, posted by antigua3 on July 19, 2007, at 11:40:55
You write so beautifully, Antigua. This made me cry.
I've been in group therapy for a little over a year. I've been Babbling for over three years. I think I've grown and changed and benefited more from Babble than I have from my IRL group. I know I've "told" more here - perhaps not the details, but certainly I feel known here. Group isn't available like Babble is, 24/7, to read and reread and draw comfort from.
I know that the secret is a poison. It is hard to let go of pretending that I'm just fine and that I've never been hurt. It is still humiliating and we've all had the experience of telling that didn't work out well. I can still feel the sting of a very good friend looking shocked and saying, "are you sure?" "Nah - never mind," I wanted to respond. "You are right, I'm making it up." I told myself it wasn't important to say it anyway.
But it is important. I need someone to know and believe me. I guess sometimes I'm looking for absolution, I want to beg, "please believe me that I didn't like it, I didn't know how to make it stop and I'm so sorry" but I don't even know who I'm begging.
You are just so right, Antigua, I don't think I would have made much progress without hearing other's stories either. I'll borrow your hope for a depression free future for now, if you don't mind. Thank you for giving this very special gift.
Posted by frida on July 20, 2007, at 21:42:39
In reply to Re: Secrets **csa trigger** » antigua3, posted by DAisym on July 20, 2007, at 0:04:34
dear antigua...
this made me cry
i haven't found my voice to tell...my T has been waiting for me and is patient, i have never been able to tell from my heart. Only as in a film, and in little pieces and very vaguely. It kills me inside not to be able to tell.
Thank you for sharing this...it has brought me tears , it's really inspiring...
You are so brave to try to tell the secrets
love,
Frida
Posted by antigua3 on July 21, 2007, at 7:39:28
In reply to Re: Secrets **csa trigger**, posted by frida on July 20, 2007, at 21:42:39
I'm sorry I made you cry.
Maybe you could just pick one tiny little thing to start with, something that has always been obvious to you and won't cost you too much to tell.
Just getting the first thing out can be huge, and you will learn that you are not alone, you are not alone!
love,
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on July 21, 2007, at 9:13:28
In reply to Re: Secrets **csa trigger** » antigua3, posted by OzLand on July 19, 2007, at 20:56:51
You're absolutely right--each at his or her own pace; that's so important. It took me many years to start the process. Sometimes I would feel so bad that I couldn't say anything, but i wasn't ready for it. My T would/still does comfort me with that idea. She says when we're ready, it will happen.
We all have to be careful that we don't push oursevles too hard and into crisis. I'm so impatient to "finish" that I often push myself too hard and end up in trouble. Thank God for my T!
best,
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on July 21, 2007, at 9:14:59
In reply to Re: Secrets **csa trigger** » antigua3, posted by DAisym on July 20, 2007, at 0:04:34
Posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 16:29:07
In reply to Secrets **csa trigger**, posted by antigua3 on July 19, 2007, at 11:40:55
Posted by antigua3 on July 21, 2007, at 17:34:38
In reply to Antigua, that was a beautiful post. TY. (nm) » antigua3, posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 16:29:07
Posted by OzLand on July 22, 2007, at 3:02:11
In reply to Re: Secrets **csa trigger** » OzLand, posted by antigua3 on July 21, 2007, at 9:13:28
Right, we can't rush it. I would like to do the same and did with my previous therpapist and ended up in the hospital doing ECT (big mistake) which was a trauma in and of itself. I now have a therapist who I thought I could see for maybe a year and be done. He let me know that this was at least a two year process (for me) or longer at more than once per week. Since I already did so much work in the past, I guess he thinks I can move through the rest in that time frame. I had tried with the other therapist to do it in six months and ended up angry, confused, and even more distraught. What a big mistake. We all need to be kinder to ourselves is what I am seeing here. What is it with so many "driven" people. It hasn't really helped me.
Posted by antigua3 on July 23, 2007, at 8:50:12
In reply to Re: Secrets **csa trigger** » antigua3, posted by OzLand on July 22, 2007, at 3:02:11
yes, I am one of the driven ones. Why? I'm not so sure. it's part of my competitive make-up and I am so, very, very tired of dealing with this. I want it over.
antigua
Posted by OzLand on July 23, 2007, at 22:39:40
In reply to Re: Secrets **csa trigger** » OzLand, posted by antigua3 on July 23, 2007, at 8:50:12
So, you too, antigua; maybe one of the good things we can learn from each other and from all this is that patience and taking things slowly in the long run will be better for us. I am competitive too, but when it comes to taking care of myself, maybe it is better to slow down. I am saying this as the therapist me, and when I see my therapist on Wednesday, unfortunately I may sing a different tune again. I keep trying to remind myself to take it slowly and be kinder to myself. That is not easy.
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