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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2007, at 22:58:23
Today's session was just hard. I don't like going in there and telling her it's been a difficult week when there's been no event to cause it; but, I did. She asked me to tell her about it. I was quiet for a long time, then told her I didn't know what I really wanted to tell her. She asked, "What can I do to make that decision easier for you," and I told her I didn't know that she could. She asked if it had to do with our relationship and I told her partly; but that wasn't all. The relationship stuff is the most difficult thing for me to talk about. I wanted so badly to call her last week and I HATE myself for it. I just can't tell her about it.
What I ended up talking about is what I've been feeling toward my husband....the anger and all; particularly the feeling like I was the reason I didn't feel love from him. People used to always tell me that it was plain to see how very much her loved me. At first, I thought they were completely nuts. After a while, though, I heard it so much I thought it must be *me.* The love was there; but something that was wrong with me made it where I couldn't feel it.....I was too demanding, had expectations that were too high, was just fundamentally flawed, etc. My T seemed kind of surprised that I thought that was better and than finding out the love really wasn't there. But it IS better. I'd convinced myself that he really loved me and he didn't. That is so painful.
And I talked about not really knowing who he is anymore and what I can trust and what I can't. She thinks I should talk to him about it; I think she's lost her mind. Like I told her; he could only give me words in response and I do not trust his words. I think she sees it as me wanting to know whether or not I was loved. That's not really the point for me. I KNOW I wasn't loved the way a husband loves a wife. As for whether there is any other kind of love there, I'm not sure that I really care. Plus, he's already told me he loved me but was never IN love with me. If I ask again, I'm sure that's what he'll say and I really have no interest in hearing those words ever again. Mainly, I'm just pissed off. In a really, really big way. I feel so very used.
She talked some about how she thinks things will be different when I can be around people who respond to me better. And also about the process of grief, at which time I told her I did NOT like processes. She laughed and said, "Well, you're in one." I explained how it was hard for me to know I was supposed to end up at point D, yet allow myself to give-in to B and C. I just want to skip over it and go from A right to D. She said, "I can't tell you it's going to be comfortable getting there; but, it IS better on the other side." Very quietly, I whispered, "Is it" and she said, "Yes, Jammer. I promise it is." I wish I could believe her, but I just don't. How could she really know?
I still so want comfort from her and I'm just not feeling it. She talked last week about telling her what I need. I don't know what the hell I need. I only know what I want. I want to hang onto her hand for a bit. I want her to put her arms around me and let me cry until there are no tears left. And then I want to sit there in silence until there are more tears and do it all over again. It has been over 6 weeks since anyone touched me. Touch scares the sh*t out of me; but, now I'm keeping track of the days. It's all I can think about.
I was really worried that I'd go through all the wanting to call and not being able to drama again this week, so I asked if she had time for me to come another day this week. She checked her book and I'm going again on Thursday. If I have an appointment, I'm much less likely to suffer and if I pay her, I feel better about taking her time. I still don't like wanting her so much; but, somehow, in my mind, this is better than calling.
Geez, why does it all have to be so HARD?
Posted by gazo on April 18, 2007, at 9:08:11
In reply to Today's Session, posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2007, at 22:58:23
The touch i understand.. i don't really remember the last time anyone touched me for any reason... maybe at xmas? it gets so touch does freak me out... want it but can't bear it.
i so wish you weren't in such pain sweetie. i have come to care about you quite a lot. The lot life has dealt you is just plain $hitty. No bones about it.
It's not a surprise, and you are not flawed or weird, that you don't know what you need or that you want comfort from your T but can't ask. Your definition of the world around you unraveled. It takes time to reconstruct. Not being able to get what you need or needed is the central issue, don't you think? If you had that all solved you probably would be in a very different mental space indeed. i am examining that idea myself because i have a similar situation with a different issue.
if you felt capable of it... i think printing out your post and giving it to her might help. If not, well, maybe you could just write down that you have trouble asking for and accepting help... ask her to ask you more questions maybe?
i wish i could be there and we could make irish coffees and b*tch about relationships. We could cut up photos or draw faces on people who give us grief. Getting a little mad helps.
do something nice for yourself today..ok? please?
much love and peace
Posted by Honore on April 18, 2007, at 13:49:10
In reply to Today's Session, posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2007, at 22:58:23
One of many things I think after reading your account is that you say that your husband says that he was never "in love" with you. And you believe that this is true, and negates or even makes a mockery of your coming to believe in and rely on that love.
When I hear you say that, I think-- he says that now-- he has various ways of explaining himself to himself (and to others) NOW-- but that doesn't mean that what he says now is true to what he felt then-- or true to anything. Except his need to see himself in a certain way, now-- which leads to this version of who is was, and what he felt.
But it's only a version-- a story about himself that makes him feel like he's in one piece now-- he's gay and he wasn't in love with you-- that makes him feel safer, more secure.
Maybe he doesn't know what to make of his love for you-- and he wants to put it into a little box-- a safe box of not being 'inlove" love.
But it's important, very important, for you not to accept his story, which is written by him (unconciously) to make himself safer. It makes him safer, at your expense-- it simplifies and smoothes out troubling discontinuities, at the sacrifice of something crucial to you.
you dont have to accept that narrative. For one thing, I don't believe it's true. When people said it was obvious he loved you a great deal-- I think they were seeing something that was true-- and valid.
You need to create (or discover) your own truth-- not his. He is not necessarily the best teller of your story -- you really are the only one who can tell your truth.
Right now, you're hearing all the fears, and doubts and self-loathing-- not remembering the wonderful, loveable, admirable person whom he loved and was in love with (even if he did later realize that he was primarily gay). You can find the story in which he fell in love with a wonderful woman and married her, and then found, despite that, that he couldn't commit to a straight life, that he needed to express parts of himself at odds with that love-- and that he had to sacrifice it in order to follow that other path.(That's just a version-- you really are the one who can find that real story.)
But I would never never base my deepest truth on someone;s self-justifying words-- I would base it on a long and very very honest (and not self-abnegating) look. Maybe you can't do that now-- but you can admit that you don't have to accept his words as the "last word" on what he felt.
The hold that the present exerts on memory is profound= we always see reflected in the past those parts that are most consistent with what we feel and are now--
I know this doesn't prove that you're loveable and were loved in the way you wanted-- even though I suspect you were. But at least open the door to the possiblity of that-- I think you're punishing yourself for failing-- as you think-- when you didn't fail, by accepting those words at face value-- .
I wish you could see that you don't have to== and that they most likely aren't true. Even if it's easy to rationalize them as true-- or to say that they somehow "must" be. Life and emotions are much more irrational and complex than his simple story.
Honore
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 18, 2007, at 19:26:14
In reply to Re: Today's Session » jammerlich, posted by Honore on April 18, 2007, at 13:49:10
Jammer I wish I could give you a hug in real person. You were used and it's not fair that you became the one who had to deal with the sh*t that happened because a man didn't really figure out who he was before he made a big committment to you.
He has dishonored you. but that doesn't tarnish you.
There was some connection there. something that caused you two to connect and make that commitment together. It's not all poison, just because it ended this way.
My T said something to me recently that might be relevant to you. She said that being denied the chance to love someone can cause a lot of anger and suffering.
Your husband being gay denies you the chance to love him as you once did. You don't trust him and you question whether you ever loved him. Whether you can ever love in the future. You can and you will.
I wish I could skip over the intermediate steps too. my T has to explain to me at least once a week that my expectations are unrealistic and that these things take time and that I shouldn't put myself under so much pressure to make something happen when it's just not time yet. On the other hand she says I shouldn't be so hard on myself when inconvenient things come up in therapy and life. That I didn't "cause" a flashback to occur. that it occured right now and right here for a reason, and that she's there with me to process it now, because that's when it needs to be processed.
Remember that there is sangria for you, even if you're not done done done. even if you're still in the middle of the muck. there's a place for you to be you. and that's all that matters. just be you, okay?
-Ll
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