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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 12:38:41
can't decide whether to quit or kill myself.
i called my therpaist but he siad i was too upset for him to understand and to calm down and he'd call me back in twenty minutes.
i think i'll fall asleep. forgetting sleeps are good.
Posted by gazo on April 4, 2007, at 12:55:00
In reply to trigger, posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 12:38:41
oh dinah! Did something happen? Oh honey, don't kill yourself, please? You must be hurting so bad to think that way. i am so sorry. :o(
write or type what it is so when he calls you can just read it to him. Deep breaths. Try to remember when you didn't feel this way... try to remember when you felt happy and calm.
(((((Dinah)))))
Posted by jammerlich on April 4, 2007, at 12:55:46
In reply to trigger, posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 12:38:41
What? What the heck does he mean by too upset?? It seems like that's just the time he NEEDS to be on the phone with you. I'm so sorry, Dinah. I hope he does better when he calls back.
(((Dinah)))
Posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 13:19:37
In reply to Re: trigger » Dinah, posted by jammerlich on April 4, 2007, at 12:55:46
he called back and tried to calm me down. i guess he wasn't somewhere where he could talk to someone sobbing and hyperventilating. ti didn't help much.
he's going to see me this evening. i'm not sure i should drive tho. husband is picking up son but won't be home in time to drive me there.
i guess qutitting is better than killing myself but i'll lose my medical benefits and my therapist so maybe killing myself is better.
but i don't have to decide right now. spoke to boss while i was in hysterics and he sent me to lie down and relax for a while. i think i'll do that. i feel sleepy as well as dizzy and sick fro hyperventilating.
Posted by Honore on April 4, 2007, at 13:37:01
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 13:19:37
Dinah. Do you know what happened, in your mind, to cause this sense of desperation?
was it sudden? unexpected? like you had a flash of something and everything fell apart?
I'm glad your T is seeing you tonight.
Dond't give up. This will sort itself out. You'll be okay. Maybe this reaction will somehow give you some beginning understanding of what's been going on. Maybe it will lead somewhere.
Meanwhile, take care of yourself, Dinah.
Hugs, Honore
Posted by scratchpad on April 4, 2007, at 13:38:26
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 13:19:37
> he called back and tried to calm me down. i guess he wasn't somewhere where he could talk to someone sobbing and hyperventilating. ti didn't help much.
>
> he's going to see me this evening. i'm not sure i should drive tho. husband is picking up son but won't be home in time to drive me there.
>
> i guess qutitting is better than killing myself but i'll lose my medical benefits and my therapist so maybe killing myself is better.
>
> but i don't have to decide right now. spoke to boss while i was in hysterics and he sent me to lie down and relax for a while. i think i'll do that. i feel sleepy as well as dizzy and sick fro hyperventilating.((((Dinah))) I think that quitting is better than any other choice if working creates this kind of acute stress. You haven't given yourself a break since, well, forever. (Since I've known you, at least.) I hope your sleep serves to bring you some peace. Perhaps one possibility would be to work someplace else? Flexible work hours and pro-rated benefits are much more common now than they used to be.
Take care, Dinah.
Scratchpad
Posted by gazo on April 4, 2007, at 14:24:31
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 13:19:37
i'm glad you'll see him today. Oh Dinah, try not to imagine everything in the future, it has a way of distorting when we are upset. Rest and try to calm yourself.
i am worried about you.
Posted by Honore on April 4, 2007, at 14:47:54
In reply to Re: trigger » Dinah, posted by scratchpad on April 4, 2007, at 13:38:26
Did you mean quitting T or quitting your job?
I thought thing were going well with work?
Did something go really wrong at work???
{{{Dinah}}}
Honore
Posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 14:59:19
In reply to trigger, posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 12:38:41
I've been under a lot of stress for a long time now at work, with more being expected of me than I can do in my shortened hours. It's gotten to where people are angry in the last year, and even moreso in the last few months. I've tried my best to rearrange my workload, but can't seem to do get it done.
I got a phone call about a work crisis in the parking lot of my sleep neurologist. It's going to end up with everyone in teh entire world being mad at me because they've set me a task that no one could succeed at and give me glib brushoffs about what to do with it.
Then the neurologist kept me waiting for an hour at his clinic only to glance at my chart, fuss at me for having my pdoc prescribe the one med he had been prescribing to me without change, and tell me I'd have to see one of his associates. Walked me out to reception with my chart to tell the receptionist to make an appointment with said associate, then walked off. The kicker was when she asked for my copay, and I assume they'll bill the insurance company for this. This does not impress me as an actual doctor visit that should be billed. So that attempt to increase my productivity ended in failure.
I guess it all got to me. I'm sorry I made the appt with my therapist though. what can he do? it'll just take up time i could be working. all i can do is sit down and plug away (as soon as i get my faculties back and my migraine ends). and avoid all phone calls from anyone who's going to yell at me, because if one more person yells at me i'm going to have to quit. and then i'll lose my therapist.
i just can't handle it any more. i try to ignore it but i just can'thandle it.
Posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 15:07:26
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by Honore on April 4, 2007, at 14:47:54
It is going well. Isn't that ironic?
I'm finally driving myself to work longer hours than I can really work in a way that's healthy for me and good for my family and it's still not good enough. They set even more impossible tasks.
And why won't one of them say (and mean) you do just this task and I will talk to anyone else who's upset with you. Instead of saying you do just this task and tell everyone else that you can't do anything else. Can't they see that I'm incapable of doing that?
I do have to confess that what is a huge amount of work for me now would not be a huge amount when I was younger, healthier, and had fewer other responsibilities.
Posted by Honore on April 4, 2007, at 16:10:07
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 14:59:19
I'm glad you're seeing your T. Just being together means a lot-- does a lot-- even though it doesn't make anything happen-- being together is so important, even though nothing "seems" to happen. It's worth the time. You deserve that time.
I'm sorry about the neurologist. Doctors ! Grrr. ....not my favorite people. They're too often underprepared for any patient, and out of touch-- this one surely doesn't know what he's talking about. Don't let him get to you.
I know you love the work-- but if your company had one good leader or manager, I believe you would be given the respect and consideration you deserve. No one can put out all the fires, and plug all the holes for years, without a break-- without time for their own life, for their family, for relaxation and getting away.
I'm sorry it seems like too much. Don't give up.
You're working on it--maybe not consciously, but I believe you are. Maybe your T will understand better some of the pressure and strain. Maybe this will show him, more than before, that it's harder than he realizes, and that you do need a change.
Take care, Dinah. Maybe the anniversary, and the neurologist, and the crisis just descended too close together, and it's hard to put it all into one box and contain it. But you will. I"m sure of it.
Honore
Posted by Orchid on April 4, 2007, at 16:54:54
In reply to Re: trigger » Honore, posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 15:07:26
Sorry that the work is adding so much stress for you. I hope you will be able to find out a workable solution. I have been out of touch with how you have been doing so I am not able to offer a good suggestion. Take Care.
Thanks for asking about me in the above thread. I have been doing quite allright and things are fine with my husband and everyone.
Posted by rubenstein on April 4, 2007, at 17:11:19
In reply to Re: trigger » Honore, posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 15:07:26
Dinah
I am sorry, I didn't knwo things were so bad. I have been thinking of you and feel bad that you feel so trapped, it is an awful feeling. I hope things can somehow get resolved, take care
rachel
Posted by Daisym on April 4, 2007, at 19:21:46
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 14:59:19
Dinah,
I'm sorry work is so hard. I understand the need to check out - to scream, "not ONE more thing -- is anyone listening? Not one more!!"
I don't know about your state, but here, we have laws that protect folks from work-related nervous break downs. If the stress is too great, you can get worker's comp and keep your medical benefits. It wouldn't be that hard to prove at this point.
Try to set limits for yourself. Turn off the phone. Promise only one project/client at a time. And stop working at a reasonable hour even when you aren't done.
You'll get through this. I wish I knew how to help more. I feel so hypocritical telling you that suicide isn't the answer, but you made a promise you must keep, remember?
((((Dinah))))
Posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 21:12:30
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by Daisym on April 4, 2007, at 19:21:46
My therapist actually helped.
I'm feeling better enough to try to what work I can and leave the big picture aside for the moment.
If I don't get yelled at for a while, maybe I'll have time to regain my composure.
I guess a meltdown regarding work had been building for a while. Maybe that's all it is.
Posted by Phillipa on April 4, 2007, at 22:17:28
In reply to I'm feeling a bit better., posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 21:12:30
Dinah so glad you're feeling better now. Love Phillipa
Posted by annierose on April 4, 2007, at 22:18:27
In reply to I'm feeling a bit better., posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 21:12:30
I am glad to read that you are feeling better. I hate that overwhelmed w/work feeling. And it's nice when our support network comes through for us.
I hope you get a good night of rest.
Posted by Iwillsurvive on April 5, 2007, at 0:39:21
In reply to Re: I'm feeling a bit better. » Dinah, posted by annierose on April 4, 2007, at 22:18:27
Posted by scentedgarden on April 5, 2007, at 9:42:20
In reply to ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Dinah))))))))))))))))) (nm), posted by Iwillsurvive on April 5, 2007, at 0:39:21
Posted by DisTraught on April 6, 2007, at 4:11:48
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by Dinah on April 4, 2007, at 13:19:37
Dinah, just saw your message. You are loved by people, by your son, hubby, and others. You are loved and you will survive.
What makes you feel bad stems from the past. The only one thing we can say about the past is that it isn't here any longer.
Hugs
Penny
Posted by Dinah on April 6, 2007, at 10:26:51
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by DisTraught on April 6, 2007, at 4:11:48
Thanks everyone.
I think the main way my therapist helped was not when he was trying to give me advice, but when something I said offhandedly made him angry on my account, and he finally "got" what I have been trying to say. That I'm really stuck in a nearly impossible situation at work, and that my efforts to make it workable haven't worked.
That's the second or third time it's happened. That I try to tell him something and he offers solutions, then I say something that I really don't think is a big deal and he finally understands what I've been trying to say all along.
To their credit tho, I heard yesterday that they are trying at work to take my pleas into account.
My therapist did point out to me my extreme reaction to negative feedback. He sat very calmly and quietly said things a boss might say in a "needs to improve" type meeting. My blood pressure rose with the role playing even. He thinks it harks back to a critical mother. I think he maybe hasn't been listening too well. My mother wasn't overly critical, and while my father might have been critical in a way, his underlying love and approval shone through his words.
It's more that being the good girl, the smart girl, is so much a part of my self image that any threats to either of those aspects is more than I can bear. My work has been a threat to both for a long time, and it's not entirely my fault. Admittedly as I started to fail, I also started to act in ways consistent with expecting to fail or fearing to fail, and therefore failed more.
Anyway, it's not that my therapist thinks it's bad for me to quit so much as he doesn't think I should quit while I'm so upset.
Soooo, I probably won't be around too much (hopefully) until I do what it is I've been ordered to work on nonstop. Even though I'm guaranteed failure in it.
Posted by Iwillsurvive on April 6, 2007, at 10:45:10
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by Dinah on April 6, 2007, at 10:26:51
Posted by Dinah on April 6, 2007, at 11:27:49
In reply to Dinah! You NOT failure, you got good heart (nm) » Dinah, posted by Iwillsurvive on April 6, 2007, at 10:45:10
Unfortunately a good heart isn't what my employers are looking for.
In fact, my best friend (who worked there as well) was in a coma and they called me in to ask how she was doing. I thought they were concerned and was glad at the family atmosphere. However, they were actually concerned about how long they were going to pay her salary and benefits while she was in a coma. As fate would have it, I received the call that they were going to turn off her life support right after the meeting.
I know they're a business, but they knew I'd been at her hospital every day since she'd been admitted, sitting with her family. Couldn't they have found out what they wanted to know without putting it that way?
Shattered the whole family atmosphere illusion.
I may still be a bit bitter. I should work on that.
Posted by Dinah on April 6, 2007, at 11:31:35
In reply to Thank you. :) (trigger?) » Iwillsurvive, posted by Dinah on April 6, 2007, at 11:27:49
This is the end of the thread.
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