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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on April 3, 2007, at 12:56:15
Does anyone ever feel like therapy is just a time to tell your therapist what you've figured out on your own? To just reiterate it for someone else and get them to understand? .... As opposed to figuring out and fixing and working towards things actually in therapy?
I saw Ginny today. It went well I guess. But I dont feel like anything much happens when I'm there or as a result of the conversations we have. I do a lot of reading and thinking on my own, often things that get brought up just by real life and not directly related to anything I've done in therapy.. and come to my own insights.. and pass them on to her. Then we talk about the insights in a way that helps her get where I'm coming from. But it doesnt usually necessairly help me see it any more clearly or understand anything better. Usually by that point I've made sense of it in my head already. Sometimes she'll challenge things that arent the most rational but I'm always already aware that it's not rational... but logic and emotions dont always run together.
The thing I hate about once a week therapy is that its constant crisis management for me. There are things that I feel like I dont have "all figured out" in my head logically.. and things that run pretty deeply have a lot of hurt behind them (like self esteem issues, for one).. but we never have time to get to that stuff because we're in a constant state of managing the latest crisis or dealing with the latest "symptom" of my issues.. talking about the specific way it has more recently played out. I dont think I'd feel good going to therapy and NOT talking about those things though because they do feel very urgent and important in the moment... but we can go on doing crisis management forever and never get anywhere. And I can go on reading and coming to great insights and undetstandings of why I am like I am, and keep passing them on to her, but in the end... who cares? I'm stuck with the same problems.. I just understand them better.
I dont think this is just an issue with the Ginny in particular. I dont think switching to someone new would help. Perhaps I'm just not cut out for regular old once-a-week therapy? It just doesnt do a lot for me. I dont know.
Anyone else ever feel this way? Or have any thoughts?
Posted by Dinah on April 3, 2007, at 13:03:42
In reply to is therapy really useful?, posted by wishingstar on April 3, 2007, at 12:56:15
Don't underestimate understanding. It's the first stage of change.
My therapist isn't big on insight, and I usually feel like I bring them to him, not vice versa. I likely wouldn't be thinking as much about the things between sessions if I weren't in therapy.
I know therapy has helped me in the long run, although at times it made me worse I think, becoming a crisis in itself. It'd be hard to point out the exact moments how. I think gradually I have aborbed some of the things he's told me for so long and that I initially rejected. So that in the long run he's helped shape how I think about things. And the most important thing to me personally was the fact that he steadfastly supported all of me, and appreciated all aspects of me.
Posted by Dinah on April 3, 2007, at 13:08:46
In reply to is therapy really useful?, posted by wishingstar on April 3, 2007, at 12:56:15
I do find that once a week therapy tends to be "report this weeks events", while twice a week therapy is completely different. I find twice a week far more helpful, but I don't know that once a week is worse than nothing if you don't have teh possibility of going twice a week.
Considering how bad you're feeling and that your pdoc is so unavailable, it seems wise to have a therapist to check in with more frequently. I hope you don't decide to give up on therapy at this point, even if it isn't ideal.
Posted by bil on April 3, 2007, at 14:47:11
In reply to is therapy really useful?, posted by wishingstar on April 3, 2007, at 12:56:15
Hiya, Wishingstar-
I have to say I didn't find therapy useful at all- all we did was discuss the events of the week, (like you described) and never got around to working on the deeper issues that caused me to need therapy in the first place.
I don't know if having a different T. would have helped or not... to be honest, because my sessions were 'means tested' and I didn't pay the full amount, I think they gave me to someone who was a recent graduate. She seemed quite naive and inexperienced- I used to feel like she was referring to notes or textbooks a lot of the time, and a few times I could feel myself getting annoyed, (I wanted to shout, "Oh, for god's sake stop with the Freudian crap already!" Lol)
I would get SO frustrated, and I was feeling worse after each session... just gave up in the end. I stuck it out for 6 months; that was quite enough.
bil
Posted by Daisym on April 3, 2007, at 15:28:25
In reply to is therapy really useful?, posted by wishingstar on April 3, 2007, at 12:56:15
I think you have to choose to change your session structure. It helps if you have someone IRL to process your weekly crud with - and save the stuff you can't say to anyone else to process with your therapist. For example, when I started therapy, I would talk about fights with my husband. But I would tell my best friend about the fight - the he said, she said stuff -- and then in therapy I'd say the scary stuff - like "I don't understand why I let him treat me this way." So we'd talk about why I was such a wimp and how I could begin to change that. Friends would simply say, "don't let him" as if I hadn't already thought of that. Therapy made me look at myself.
I almost never go in with day-to-day stuff. Sometimes, especially if something big is happening or something really stressful, but I've chosen to use my therapy as a place to explore the past and my own inner world. I have lots of insights myself too, but when I share these, it confirms things, and I feel heard.
Yesterday and today I shared some old stuff with my therapist that was very hard and very shameful. He helped me reframe it, even though intellectually I already had, but he believed what he was telling me, he didn't just know it from a book. And he told me that I was safe and that he would help me stay safe. Again, I already know that, but he made me believe it.
I guess this is my (very) long winded way of saying that therapy can be very helpful but you have to figure out how to use your time. If the most helpful thing is to process the week's events or deal with crisis behaviors - then do that. If it is to figure out your own triggers or behavior antecedents - then do that. It is kind of like making yourself sit down and start talking because you only have 50 minutes. If you use 15 on small talk and warming up, you only really have 35 minutes sessions.
All that said, I think I'd be horrible at 1x a week therapy, at least at this stage. I hear how hard it is for you too. I wish the "norm" was 2x a week for everyone.
Posted by gazo on April 3, 2007, at 16:58:31
In reply to is therapy really useful?, posted by wishingstar on April 3, 2007, at 12:56:15
i worry about that. i have a lot on the burner right now, important things that i cannot face alone. My friends and family are way out of their depth with it too. i worry about not getting to the deeper stuff. Of course, my former T did not help that worry because he was more of a purist with the CBT and he wanted to keep me focussed on the now stuff anyway.
OTOH the new T already made one brilliant connection that had honestly never occurred to me. That really peaked my interest.
i think what Daisy said relates to one thought i had too... have you ever wondered if the need or drive, that urgency you mentioned, that maybe it's a way to distract yourself and you T from getting to the bigger stuff? i'm not suggesting that the "now" stuff isn't important, i am just wondering if it's always important. If it is then you are going to be facing a lot of basic crisis management.
i am mostly worried because i can only go every second week. Since the relationship is new i have to spend time getting to know him and him me.
Posted by wishingstar on April 3, 2007, at 22:01:37
In reply to Re: is therapy really useful?, posted by Daisym on April 3, 2007, at 15:28:25
Wow, lots of things to comment on.. I'll try to make this follow some logical order.
I guess I think that I'm the type of person who would be thinking and processing a lot on my own, even if I wasnt in therapy. I really enjoy being introspective and trying to understand myself.. sometimes to the point I wish I could just stop trying to "get it" and feel things and live. Very often the insights and connections I make between sessions are sparked not by anything that happened in session, but by something I read, something someone said, something I experienced.. etc. Then I go back to therapy and report them.. talk about what they mean cognitively.. and thats that. I guess the lesson is that I need to force myself to take it further, be more real, say more emotional things... but I truly dont feel like I know how a lot of the time. I know there's emotion buried in it, but I dont know how to verbalize it or mention it in the flow of therapy. I know understanding is the first step, but I've been in therapy on and off for about 8 years, and I feel like I have lots of understanding to spare. All it seems to do is make me realize how deep in all this I am and make me feel more hopeless.
Daisy, your post in particular gives me a lot to think about. Perhaps I do need to stop bringing up the weekly events. It would definitely help me to use some real-life friends to vent those issues, but the problem is that I dont have any currently. I isolate quite a bit.. that's my fault of course, but I'm not sure I'm able to stop it quite yet.. and it limits the talking and sharing I do outside therapy. The crisis of the moment always feels so important and so pressing, I dont think I'd feel good or feel heard if I left without ever mentioning it. But yes, that means the "real issues" get pushed aside week after week. I cant have it both ways. I think that's why I liked twice a week so much. There generally isnt enough crisis in one week to fill 2 hours.. but one hour, yes. Sometimes (often) the small crises have triggered much bigger issues, and often I'm even aware of what they are.. but after I tell the story, we seem to get lost in talking about it on a more surface level. I could talk to Ginny about that I guess, but I dont think either of us knows how to fix it. I think it's really my responsibility.. but I dont know how!
I've started reading a DBT book.. I'm trying to focus on the "distress tolerance" skills. I think I'm in dire need of some of those. Maybe it'd help me sort out what's really "therapy important" from just passing everyday nastiness.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 6, 2007, at 19:25:43
In reply to is therapy really useful?, posted by wishingstar on April 3, 2007, at 12:56:15
I've been through this myself. And yet, when I've tried a more rigid structure, it just inhibited me. So mostly I go with it -- it takes more time, but it works for me. I think Daisy has some good points about using your time differently -- I think that's easier to do for those of us who aren't in our 20s. When I was 22 (and started with current T), I was in constant crisis mode as well and overwhelmed by most parts of my life.
Take some time to figure out what works for you --it may take weeks, it may take months, it may even take years. But it will be time well invested, I promise you.
Sorry it's all so hard right now, though.
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